AIBU to be devastated about 3 year old?!

[alert]

My 3.5 year old DS came out from nursery with his upside down smile and a wobbly bottom lip, when I got him in the car and on the way home I was asking him what was up, he kept shaking his head and then I could see he was very upset (silent tears streaming down his cheeks) so I pulled over and asked him what was wrong, if it was something that happened at nursery? He said it was and I gently coaxed him until he told me, he said ‘the boys (names) at nursery said horrible and nasty words to me’ I asked what they said and he shook his head I asked again and he said ‘bad words mummy’. I comforted him and when home I asked him again what they had said and he wouldn’t say. I’m devastated my beautiful, kind hearted, angel has had to deal with this at the age of three! I am so so upset I don’t think I can get over it, I know the boys that said these things (still don’t know what they said he still clamps up when asked) are only 3-4 but I am so so angry and hurt about it, I can’t deal with it! I have spoken to the teacher and she was great about it but I felt like OTT crazy mum as I was so serious about it and they are only babies but it makes me sick to my stomach that he was so hurt and upset and not himself, I will have so much more of this to deal with, how do you cope with this?!

Agree with the general consensus op. It's awful when your child is sad and you don't get to hear the whole story but you do need to get some perspective on this, these things will happen and it's all part of the painful business growing up.

Next Time I would just pop back in and see the teacher before going to the car, it's hard wrangling info from an upset toddler, it might help hearing the teacher's explanation early on then take it from there.

Hope you're ok op

OP may get to nursery on Monday and find that her precious little angel has been roughhousing other children and calling them stupid and poo head as part of his game, that they have responded with 'I hate you' and that there are many parents wanting to talk to the teacher.
Or not.

Upside down smile... Wobbly lips...

JfC

Its upsetting but I think you’re overreacting.

Oh dearey me OP, you don't know that anyone was actually unkind to him, just that they said words to him that he didn't like, which at that age could be along the lines of "no I'm not finished playing with it yet"

Your reaction to this situation (which as yet is unclarified) is not healthy or normal & YOU will be the one causing your child issues if you don't give yourself a shake and rein it in!!

I’m devastated my beautiful, kind hearted, angel has had to deal with this at the age of three! I am so so upset I don’t think I can get over it, I know the boys that said these things (still don’t know what they said he still clamps up when asked) are only 3-4 but I am so so angry and hurt about it, I can’t deal with it!

Sweet Lord, I can't believe a grown up can have such a meltdown over something's this trivial. Do us all a favour and try to teach your child some resilience (somehow I don't think you have much of it either to be honest so these lessons would benefit you too) so as he grows up the rest of us won't have to pussyfoot around him just in case his precious feelings get hurt.

When my dd was very small our cat died. For the next couple of years whenever dd felt sad or upset she would say it was because the cat had died. I don't think she was trying it on, it was just a safe thing to say when she was feeling a bit overwhelmed and needed comforting and she didn't really have the words to explain why she was upset. Perhaps the OP's little boy has learned that adults will be sympathetic if he talks about 'naughty' words and is doing something similar to my daughter.

As for response I agree with everyone else. Immediate sympathy, but not too much followed by distraction. Little children sometimes find the world overwhelming and upsetting, a bit of love and something else to think about and they move on very quickly.

Hi alert,

Has your boy spoken to you about what was said to him yet?

I'm a very resilient person, I can come across as very thick skinned/hard faced at times and I work in an area where I always have to keep professional boundaries and have to have an ability to keep my work and home very separate. However, I know that I would feel exactly as you do when this (because it probably will...!) Happens to my son when he's older. Whether that's the right or wrong way to feel... just wanted to give you a hand hold as I've seen that you've had a bit if flack!

I imagine the op isn’t coming back. But I’d just like to say. The language used by the op would be more in line with a mother being devastated her child has been molested.

When my dd was 5, there was a non incident between my dd and her former bestie from school. The child was at my house on a play date. I misinterpreted something, which I thought happened. But didn’t. Still it wasn’t the terrible terrible situation the mother made it out to be. My dd is 9. The mother split the friendship up, her dd stopped speaking to mine for 6 months and the language she used made me feel as though my dd had molested hers.

I now see how vehemently and disproportionately some parents react when there is a relatively minor incident or a non incident. The difference between the child in this scenario and the girl at dds School is the child wasn’t upset in the slightest. Because nothing happened in dds scenario.

I do now believe it is a good thing the children are no longer friends even though dd is still hurt by it. The girl is her mother’s daughter and not in a good way.

Op if you do read this, please try to get some perspective otherwise you’re going to be one of the tricky and difficult mums in the playground and you really won’t be doing your ds any favours.

Do encourage him to talk - but also bear in mind that he may need you to point out that he has misinterpreted something.

I remember my youngest (then aged 4) well and truly getting the hump with a boy on his class because ‘X pushed me’. He was really suspicious of this kid’s intentions and had a real thing about him. This thing is I’d seen the incident and poor X had tripped and stumbled onto ds3. No intention behind it at all. I needed to repeatedly point out to ds3 that it had been an accident (he was adamant that this boy had pushed him on purpose - he really, really had not!)

Similar thing happened with my niece - DB discovered the awful words were cuttlefish underpants !

Children are dramatic and often over react. When my daughter was 2 she wouldn't tell me what was wrong one day....it's turned out a girl at her pre school had told my LO that HER dad does smellier farts and my LO was upset about it!!

I’m a teacher...and this happens A LOT! Children get very upset at ‘swear words’ or words that they think are rude, and very often they won’t repeat them to the teacher as they think they will get into trouble. I always give them ‘special permission’ to say it ‘just this once in my ear’. They always do and 9 times out of 10 it’s something minor, like shut up, farty-bum or poopoo head. Actually, ‘shut up’ is THE most upsetting for most young children and ‘the ‘f-word’ (fart) the most popular ‘swear word’ 😂 in my class! I do agree with PPs...you need to find out from your child what was said and stop overreacting, otherwise he will pick up on this and become far too precious. And you will become ‘that parent’.

God some people are harsh on here. Truth is it breaks your heart when your children get upset when others are mean to them. I don’t care if they are 3 or 33 I want to take them down when my kids are upset! I can’t answer your question as I struggle with it myself! Mine are 14, 8 and 7. It literally kills me inside when they are hurting - I just try to make them feel better about themselves. Good luck xx

Truth is it breaks your heart when your children get upset when others are mean to them

No it doesn't. It's life, its not "heartbreaking"

I don’t care if they are 3 or 33 I want to take them down when my kids are upset!

That's just weird and a total overreaction to toddlers. Take them down? WTF?

I would love to read the responses to this if the three-year-old was a girl. I could be wrong, but I reckon there'd be less talk of resilience and more sympathy for this sweet little child who has suffered.

It doesn't matter WHAT the words were, in my opinion. What matters is that he was emotionally hurt by them. So what if it was 'poo face' or 'you stink'?! Doesn't make the pain he felt any less.

Maybe I'm biased because I've got one super-sensitive daughter (and another less so) but I really loathe this idea that 'there are bad people in the world so you have to learn to deal with it'. Yes, there are, and our job is to try and provide our kids with the confidence to deal with it... if possible. But often it's not possible! There are millions of adults who cry because of adult bullying or meanness –there are millions of adults who are STILL sensitive or vulnerable to nastiness as adults and I don't think you can blame the parents for it all. Some people are extra sensitive and many also learn to 'toughen up' much later on in life. So in the meantime, I say our job is to protect as much as we can.

I don't think you will ever get over it - I can still get upset when I think about my non-sensitive daughter responded to the first nursery we sent her to. She was only there for a week or so, but I'll never forget how that place/those people/the experience transformed her from a ray of sunshine into a teary-eyed silent child. I took her out and am SO glad I did. So I would definitely keep a sharp eye on the situation and be prepared to try a new place. Being THAT upset as a result of other kids is not normal, natural and you don't have to accept it.

Tell him that sometimes people (the children whoever they are) do things that are naughty and hurtful to people because they wish to look clever, are experimenting with words and sometimes just want attention because they feel upset and sad about something. Tell him if it happens again he should tell them that he feels hurt by their words (as well as report it to a member of staff of course). I think helping children to understand why it happens and how to respond if there is a next time is useful. I also would relate an anecdote from either your or someone else’s childhood to make him see that it can happen to anyone and it’s not him it’s them who have the problem.

He'll be fine. Try not to make a big thing of it and then he won't. Tell him it's not nice that people said bad words and get him to tell his teacher if they do it again, she'll be better placed to deal with it and assess the situation. If you're upset then he'll be even more upset. My 4 year old got upset the other day - full on tears - because my brother called her a nutter. She thought he said knob head - which she'd heard him call me and then saw her nanny (our mum) tell him off so she knew it was bad! It might be completely innocent and even if it isn't, it's probably a one off with a kid repeating something they've heard rather than bullying!

Do us all a favour and try to teach your child some resilience (somehow I don't think you have much of it either to be honest so these lessons would benefit you too) so as he grows up the rest of us won't have to pussyfoot around him just in case his precious feelings get hurt.

Nice.

Or how about kids stop being little shits?

Sorry. It’s part and parcel of growing up.

Sorry you’re upset OP. You’re entitled to be upset. Your son is also entitled to be upset. Maybe have a chat with him when he’s feeling better. You can say he won’t get into any trouble for repeating the bad word. Then whatever that word is, try to help him see that sometimes kids say bad things, and some kids are nice, some are not.

I have three boys aged 13, 10 and 6. Recently the youngest one was singing a tune with his own lyrics: Poo, poo, poo. A mother with a 2 or 3 year old was shocked and said 'please ask him to stop' covering her child's ears. I apologised and did as she asked. Every bone in my body wanted to say 'It's POO! It's nothing! Just wait!'

I didn't.

If he is sensitive then that is a beautiful quality, and some people's comments about 'teaching him to be resilient' is what used to be said about kids being bullied - 'toughen them up for the real world' and such thinking. If he was really upset I think it is really important to find out exactly what was said? I think trust here is more important than 'teaching him to be resilient'. Is there anyone else that he might open up to? like one of your friends or relatives, encourage him to share it by sharing something horrible that someone said to you and how you dealt with it maybe.
It is good that you spoke to the teacher because they can keep an eye, its as important that the children who were rude know that they upset someone, I would though keep an eye on it and suggest to your son that he plays with other children, he doesn't have to play with them.

Perhaps the ones saying ‘teach him to be more resilient’ and ‘get a grip’ and ‘stop being so precious’ maybe they’re the parents of the nasty kids that make others cry

Take them down

I've read it all today.

My PFB had 2nd cousins who didn't hold back on their language. DC's know not to use such language, luckily they never have.

I think you need to have a barrier, so rather than the words you mentioning being traumatic, he sees them as just being silly. That way if someone says something he won't internalise it and get upset.

It is hard to see anyone upset, in an ideal world it would be all rainbows and fluffy clouds. Life isn't like that though.

By teaching him not to internalise what's being said by a peer, so what adults say goes, but if a boy in your class gets stroppy just ignore it, people have bad days and do things out of character. You'll probably be playing nicely tomorrow, that kind of thing.

Life is going to be like this, other DC will be mean at times, you have to teach them to let it go over their heads. Unless persistent then it's a different matter.

Best of luck OP

Be mindful that you can also make him over sensitive by having such a reaction to what is almost certainly something small making him feel it was huge and awful and devastating. Bad words in your house might not be bad words in other people's homes. I hate the word fart and will not condone the use of that word, everyone around us uses it liberally.

It is possible your ds just had a bad day and it was mixture of things he was uncertain about. When my dc have days like this there is nothing quite like a big hug and turn up your favourite music, unless it is serious teach dc to enjoy the rest of the day and close the chapter of the school events. Home should be home, school is school and there will always be some days that are better than others. Toughen up a little, there will be plenty of far more demanding and challenging situations as he grows older and calm considered parenting is the way to stay sane.

Perhaps the ones saying ‘teach him to be more resilient’ and ‘get a grip’ and ‘stop being so precious’ maybe they’re the parents of the nasty kids that make others cry

Don't be ridiculous.