AIBU to be devastated about 3 year old?!

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My 3.5 year old DS came out from nursery with his upside down smile and a wobbly bottom lip, when I got him in the car and on the way home I was asking him what was up, he kept shaking his head and then I could see he was very upset (silent tears streaming down his cheeks) so I pulled over and asked him what was wrong, if it was something that happened at nursery? He said it was and I gently coaxed him until he told me, he said ‘the boys (names) at nursery said horrible and nasty words to me’ I asked what they said and he shook his head I asked again and he said ‘bad words mummy’. I comforted him and when home I asked him again what they had said and he wouldn’t say. I’m devastated my beautiful, kind hearted, angel has had to deal with this at the age of three! I am so so upset I don’t think I can get over it, I know the boys that said these things (still don’t know what they said he still clamps up when asked) are only 3-4 but I am so so angry and hurt about it, I can’t deal with it! I have spoken to the teacher and she was great about it but I felt like OTT crazy mum as I was so serious about it and they are only babies but it makes me sick to my stomach that he was so hurt and upset and not himself, I will have so much more of this to deal with, how do you cope with this?!

I do understand how upsetting it can be. The same thing happened with DD at a similar age - after days of gentle probing (in case it was something concerning) - it turned out that a boy in her class had told her to "shut up".

OK, not a polite way to speak to people but hardly the crime of the century either .

Hopefully it's something equally as minor for your DS.

Sign of the times🙄
Thank goodness teachers no longer put red crosses by wrong answers.....

Posted too soon.

I imagine that most have gone through the tricky stages of guiding their PFB through events like the OP describes and have come out the other side. I can certainly look back and roll my eyes at my earlier self.

A trick we use at school is to say it with puppets, build up the scene, they generally quickly build up a rapport with a puppet. Then make up a little story about the puppet being sad because someone at their school told them some bad words etc. They need a puppet next to them to take a turn when ready too.

I've had a girl at school use a puppet to tell me that she'd hit someone and when I spoke to the girl directly - and not the puppet - she told me the puppet was a liar. Bless her, you've got to laugh sometimes!

Also at school I've had a girl tell me about some really bad words on the cover of a book at school. When she plucked up the courage, after plentiful reassurances I wouldn't tell her off, the book said 'What a din!' obviously meaning a noisy racket, but where we live din is short for dinlo meaning someone is a bit stupid.

Once they can write I encourage them to write it down and put it in an envelope. Sometimes I say, can I have a quick look when you're gone? Making it all matter of fact. These things have worked for me anyway :-)

I know its hard but honestly you need to realise he's likely to be exposed to words that you would prefer he wasn't exposed to. DS2 started in reception aged only just 4. V. naice selective independent school. Within the first week we were up at school because one of his classmates greeted DS2 with "Fuck off you fucker" every time he saw him.

OP in the nicest possible way you need to get over yourself and remember the kids are 3-4 years old. Tell your ds some children will say naughty things and ignoring them or telling a grown up is the best way to stop the behaviour. Remind him most children are kind to others and that's the best way to be. I'm a bit aghasted how devasted you are at this but you do need to pull yourself together before he starts school because you'll be dealing with this type of low level stuff for years

Its quite possible the other child just said something mean like calling your ds stupid or not letting him play and telling him to go away etc. My ds3 is just 4 and frequently tells me in tears that his big brothers are being mean. We used to go storming in asking what on earth they were doing to him to find out they wouldnt give him a toy they had been playing with all along and wouldnt give it up just because ds3 decided he wanted it and wanted it now!!!

Ds1 was sensitive when he was younger. Your ds may be a bit young for this but i used to do role play with him to teach him how to deal with a situation. I would be the 'other child' and he would practice standing up for himself and it would give him the confidence to put it into practice at pre-school/school. He could be as simple as practising to say "No, I don't like that" and telling a teacher etc,

To use the word 'devastated' here is entirely inappropriate. I thought something terrible had happened to your DS - as in accident or health issue.

So he's upset. I get it. And you're upset too. Wait until he's 13 or 14 or 15, when they have to deal with potential depression or bullying or worries about their sexuality or..... Honestly, I hate to be the one to tell you but you're going to face far worse problems, and so will he. Get a grip.

Agree with PP - "devastated" and don't know how you will get over it sound completely over dramatic. I really hope you aren't passing on this kind of ridiculous behaviour onto your son.

We don't know if OPs DS was upset at being called a Poopyhead, or called the N word, or something in in between happened, so it's all conjecture really.

OP, you have to accept that once you are a mother, you will only ever be as happy as your unhappiest child. So for everyone's sake, you do need to police your own reactions so that DS models positive behaviour and do all you can to boost his self esteem.

I think you've both done well to get to 3.5 years without him being upset, TBH

But you need to give yourself a shake, get over this and help DS to get over it too. It really really won't be the last time that something mean happens to him

My god! The drama!

You need to take it way down, OP. It's utterly ridiculous.

Hopefully then he'll take his cue from you. Because he probably didn't lick the over-sensitivity off the ground.

Totally agree that you have built this up into some sort of catastrophe. It’s really not. It’s crap seeing your DC upset by the mean words of others but you can help him get over it, to not own what was said and to help him come up with strategies for when it happens again. Which it will sadly.

Devastation needs to be saved for truly devastating stuff. And this needs to be put into perspective. If you watch ‘The Secret Life of 4 and 5 Year Olds’ you will see how usual this sort of meanness is. Their behaviour can be really unpleasant. Your DS needs to be able to walk away, tell a teacher or assistant and get a big cuddle from you and move on. You did the right thing talking to school. You will be ok and DS will be ok.

I get being upset - mine are nearly grown but their pain is hard to see.

But you do have to help them cope which means overcoming your distress, not letting DS be aware of it; have some good quality Mum n son time and help him overcome it with sensible advice about how to cope in case there's a next time.

Some children do take the lightest slight to heart, while others are never shocked, I know this because with my four children, two of them are broad minded, and since they could speak nothing bothered them. Even telling them both off was a chore because they would smile sweetly and get on with it....my other two both very sensitive...saying the word Bum used to send them into shock, but I think what folk meant by teach them to be resilient, is explain to your child that there are people out there that use silly or naughty words, but they can't hurt him! They just sound daft! Say all this with a grin, don't let him see how bothered you are by this, as otherwise you are simply justifying how shocked and upset he should be!
xxx

Talk it through with him, tell him that if someone has upset him tell a grown up, then go and play with someone else who is being a bit nicer!

Then talk about other things in his day like what he had for lunch and what lovely things you will be doing later even if it’s on,y bath books and bed 🙂

i think you may have to coax him to try and tell you what words it was then you can both decide if it was bad or hurtful words and how to deal with it if they say it again to him. if it is really upsetting him them please say to the nursery staff who can keep an eye on the situation. kids can be nasty ...too many kids are being brought up saying words they shouldnt really know at a young age because their parents / carers/ relations dont tell them off !!

my daughter was called a vagrant the other day, i find this totally unacceptable especially as all her friends found it funny and laughed the same girl would not have liked it if my daughter called her or her friends a tramp

Can’t believe all the harsh comments on here - this parent knows her own child and he obviously hasn’t got to 3 without ever being upset- it’s the level of upset which is concerning, plus the fact he won’t repeat the words. Having worked with kids, it could be silly things such as poo bum or pant head , but equally could be “ your mum’s going to die in a car crash “ “ my Dad is going to shoot (your parent)”
Etc , ( both of which have been said by pre school kids) This might be why he is scared to repeat it, and you might even get nightmares etc following. It’s important for your child to realise some children use unkind words/ threats etc because they are very unhappy, and that it is very important to tell an adult at the time. It does sound as though your son was deeply affected, rather than just “ upset” whereby he would have been more immediately upset and probably comforted by staff. Hope you get to the bottom of it and that he can avoid the perpetrator in future.

Can’t believe all the harsh comments on here to be fair, the OP did post in AIBU, it’s not exactly renowned for being lovey dovey.

As parents we reassure our kids,we teach them how to be emotionally resilient
And with that comes the experience that some other kids are mean
With practice he’ll be fine.so will you.its all part of life.youll both become adept

Calm down OP! you're getting a bit hysterical here..and will pass that onto your child if you carry on. He's going to encounter all sorts of unpleasantness in school unfortunately..you play it down, you listen and support. That's what being a parent is about. Try to get this in perspective.

I'm also surprised at the "teach him resilience" consensus . The other half of that is that responsible adults should check that some kids are not upsetting others by acting like brats... My feeling is people are being a bit harsh on you, OP. It's normal to feel upset by your kid being upset! Someone else above said it will pass, and it will.

Why are you surprised at teaching resilience,it’s a core life skill,protective factor
You teach a child how not be be completely crushed when someone is mean
Because,make no mistake,folk can be mean.and how one copes can lessen the impact

Cousins using such a girl as an insult is not good

missesthepoint
When my grandson was about 3 (ish) his parents were called to school to be met with very serious allegation that he had 'told another little girl he wanted to murder her'. His parents were obviously horrified and tried to find out why he had said such a nasty thing. DGS also very distraught because he knew people were cross and didn't know why. Between sobs he told them (and the teacher) it was because he really liked her a lot.

Turned out he had heard his mum come in from shopping / after work / after a hard day saying "I could murder a cup of tea" and he had worked out this was because she liked tea.