AIBU to be devastated about 3 year old?!

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My 3.5 year old DS came out from nursery with his upside down smile and a wobbly bottom lip, when I got him in the car and on the way home I was asking him what was up, he kept shaking his head and then I could see he was very upset (silent tears streaming down his cheeks) so I pulled over and asked him what was wrong, if it was something that happened at nursery? He said it was and I gently coaxed him until he told me, he said ‘the boys (names) at nursery said horrible and nasty words to me’ I asked what they said and he shook his head I asked again and he said ‘bad words mummy’. I comforted him and when home I asked him again what they had said and he wouldn’t say. I’m devastated my beautiful, kind hearted, angel has had to deal with this at the age of three! I am so so upset I don’t think I can get over it, I know the boys that said these things (still don’t know what they said he still clamps up when asked) are only 3-4 but I am so so angry and hurt about it, I can’t deal with it! I have spoken to the teacher and she was great about it but I felt like OTT crazy mum as I was so serious about it and they are only babies but it makes me sick to my stomach that he was so hurt and upset and not himself, I will have so much more of this to deal with, how do you cope with this?!

You teach them that another random 3 year old is not the boss of them. (I like to say at this point that I am, in fact, the boss of them, but this is probably not good practice.) Light and breezy, point out that the child is very clearly wrong and DS should trust his own judgement - "and what do YOU think, are you in fact a poo-head? Well then!'

If you take name calling too seriously (when talking to DS) you give the other child's words more power. By all means mention it to nursery staff but to your DS you need to model brushing it off, to help him brush it off.

I remember we had an older child round when DS was 3 and this child kept calling DS stupid. It really raised my hackles. I do think you've over-reacted OP, but I also remember that mother hen instinct taking over that day.

Could it partly be tiredness. Silent tears in an adult would suggest deep upset but could be due to exhaustion after a full on day for 3 yr old.

You teach resilience by being resilient. This is not about you and your emotions, it is about him learning to manage his. We’ve had years of practice at learning to manage ours. It’s horrible seeing our children sad but if you react like it’s the end of the world, he will feel like it’s the end of the world. If you say, oh that was mean of them and agree it wasn’t nice, he’ll be able to move on.
I’ve had a lifetime of my Mum mirroring my emotions and being devastated when things have upset me and to be honest, I’ve spent the whole time dealing with her feelings, not mine. Very unhealthy.

My dd is a highly sensitive person. Like me. However, if I were to react like you have today, she would be a lot less resilient.

As others have said, your ds was likely tired and overwrought. In these circumstances, he needed a hug and ‘oh dear, it sounds like you had a tough day.’ ‘You can tell me if you want to another time. I’m always here for you.’ Big hugs until he’s recovered and then let him go off and play/snuggle watching a film/put him to bed etc.

You need to be the grown up and not get drawn into the big, emotional tears. If he sees you getting upset by what other kids have said, you’re giving those kids power and taking it away from your ds. Then the world is going to be a big, scary place. And I agree with others. Lots of praise and bolstering.

I feel for you and him. It’s so hard when other children are awful to your child. One of my less confident children had this occasionally from the age of toddler to 16. This worked for us:

1. Be there to listen, support, cuddle, empathize, totally agree the other party was wrong.
2. Tell child to inform adults in charge if something like this happens.
3. Don’t hesitate to contact school when necessarily if you think something is getting out of hand.
4. Ensure life outside school has loads of positive friendships and experiences including the chance to excel at a hobby or sport.
5. Where appropriate, encourage your child to brush off insults and move on both physically (move away from negative people) and psychologically (act not bothered).

Interestingly, one of my more confident children never had these issues. I think the secret is high self esteem.

This reminded me of two horrified children coming to tell me a child in my class had said the "f word." I asked if the f word rhymes with duck... they looked confused so I asked them to tell me what it was.."fanny."
So your little one may not have heard anything horrendous, just a word they are not used to

There is a huge amount online about teaching children to be more resilient. However you will be becoming more resilient yourself as well (and quicker than you’re teaching it so you can model it).

This is quite useful. psychcentral.com/lib/10-tips-for-raising-resilient-kids/

All those saying teach him to be resilient, how exactly?

Tell him, "Sounds like they were being silly." Then talk about what he could do next time he feels upset - e.g. walk away, tell a grown up etc. Get him to come up with his own ideas about what to do - has much more impact than just telling him - but then help him come up with a good strategy.

As everybody else has said teach him to tell the teacher ASAP and reassure that they will deal with it. Maybe the children haven't said bad words but something bad as in "X is dead, your mum has AIDS" etc and other nonsense I had been told when I was a child. Or it could be something more innocent.

When my ds had just started school he came home and told me another child had used the "f word"....

The word was 'flipping'

I'd check what was said op!

He's only 3, practically a baby, why shod he have to be resilient. Bullying is not nice at any age, I am shocked at some of the responses on here. I wod go calmly to the nursery and ask to see the manager, to ascertain what happened, how they are going to deal.with it.nastiness, has got to be nipped in the bud. Some of the kids will be older.

Aeroflot
But we don’t know if there was any nastiness or bullying.

It’s nit nice when kids are mean and your LO is upset by it. But I’m reasonably confident he’ll be over it before you know it. I’m also reasonably confident that one day your beautiful kind hearted angel will probably be the one who’s being the meanie too. It’s all part of growing up

Just give him a few treats this weekend and leave it for now. Over analysing it all may make him even more anxious.

That is what op has to find out from the nursery. Something must have happened for him to be that upset.

You are his mother, get a grip. You have to deal with it because who else is there to help him learn to live in the world? How will you cope further down the line when bad stuf happens, curl up and whimper or look after your son’s emotional well-being like a rational adult?
He was upset, you need to be calm and give him a sense of proportion. He takes his cues from you.
Talk to the nursery when you are feeling more in control and find out what happened between a few preschoolers.

I upset a 3 year old yesterday at nursery
She cried and was devastated
My crime?
I wouldn't let her eat her biscuits until she had finished her sandwich and cucumber

That is what op has to find out from the nursery. Something must have happened for him to be that upset.

In the kindest possible way, if the OP's overreaction is typical, then it's probable that nothing happened and he will have learned how to do react like that to small things from her. Just look at the way she's reacted to this; to be "devastated" over this, and all the other heart-tuggy words the OP used, is absolutely ludicrous. Children learn from behaviours you model, so he's likely doing exactly what he's seen his mum do.

You teach him by not making a huge massive deal out of it. You give him a big hug, wipe his face and tell him that people will say nasty things.

My middle child entered reception year with a sen kid who knew ALL the swear words so bt end of a month ds could repeat them all (mine has sen too). You learn to resilient as a parent too

You have to be calm, matter of fact and not so dramatic.

insancerre
I upset a 3 year old yesterday at nursery
She cried and was devastated
My crime?
I wouldn't let her eat her biscuits until she had finished her sandwich and cucumber

lol I wouldn't let my 3 year old run around with a lollipop in her mouth this morning. Cue massive meltdown and floor beating tantrum.

OP honestly, toughen up a bit! Sorry, but you have years ahead yet and this level of angst over 3 year olds could mean a long hard 15 years of school to come.

I’m devastated my beautiful, kind hearted, angel has had to deal with this at the age of three! I am so so upset I don’t think I can get over it

This is just self indulgent and making it about you. It's not parenting. It's not about your feelings.
You clearly haven't taught him any resilience already, time to start now, without the mawkish dramatics.

OP, you both need to be more resilient.
It is horrible when your kids are being hurt and you feel they are being bullied, but that's life. They won't be like by everybody, they won't be the center of the world and they wont' be the teachers favourites either.

Never forget that some little kids at nursery have bigger brothers and sisters, and they can be mimicking their behaviour or mis-repeating what they heard. Some kids are even allowed to watch tv with their parents from birth - and they are surrounded by completely unsuitable materials, even if it's just the news.

Just hide your feeling. Your natural instincts are to protect your kids and pushing the ones hurting them out of the way, but you have to pretend not to get involved or bothered. Your child will have fall-outs with some friends, then be back to best-friend the following day. You really can't get too involved.

Play it down to him. As others have said, comfort him of course but don't let it become something huge in his mind, by your reaction. Be matter of fact outwardly, even if you are inwardly feeling very different. Remember that he will take his cue from you in this.

If you say, oh that's not nice, to be called names, or whatever and then firmly move on to doing something nice to distract him, it will fade much more quickly. And as has been said, he will learn as he gets older not to base too much of his own self worth on what others say.

Of course it is not nice to see your little fellow upset, that is completely natural, but being 'devastated' and 'unable to move on' is an over the top reaction, in my opinion. By all means, if it transpires that it is something more than usual three year olds stuff, then approach the nursery, (he need not even know that you have done this), and ask them to sort it.

What words would your 3yr old know are not nice words as I can't see him hearing loads of nasty words at nusery.

You need to tell him he won't get wrong for telling you what they said as I don't think you can do much unless you know what was said.

You do need to get a grip here OP. Children at that age do and say nasty things to each other. They are only just developing any kind of friendship and will fall out and in more often than you can keep up with.
You sound like you think that your child is in some way more special and sensitive than any of the others. Trust me he is not and will most probably be the one saying the unkind things to someone else's precious angel at some point soon because that it how it works when you are 3.
If you react in this totally over the top manner every time another child is a bit unkind to yours then you and he are in for a very miserable time for the next 15 years.