AIBU to be devastated about 3 year old?!

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My 3.5 year old DS came out from nursery with his upside down smile and a wobbly bottom lip, when I got him in the car and on the way home I was asking him what was up, he kept shaking his head and then I could see he was very upset (silent tears streaming down his cheeks) so I pulled over and asked him what was wrong, if it was something that happened at nursery? He said it was and I gently coaxed him until he told me, he said ‘the boys (names) at nursery said horrible and nasty words to me’ I asked what they said and he shook his head I asked again and he said ‘bad words mummy’. I comforted him and when home I asked him again what they had said and he wouldn’t say. I’m devastated my beautiful, kind hearted, angel has had to deal with this at the age of three! I am so so upset I don’t think I can get over it, I know the boys that said these things (still don’t know what they said he still clamps up when asked) are only 3-4 but I am so so angry and hurt about it, I can’t deal with it! I have spoken to the teacher and she was great about it but I felt like OTT crazy mum as I was so serious about it and they are only babies but it makes me sick to my stomach that he was so hurt and upset and not himself, I will have so much more of this to deal with, how do you cope with this?!

You could try playing a game with him. Tell him that some words are bad because they are used to try and hurt people but we don't have to let them upset us. Tell him that you bet you know more bad words than he does. Ask him if, just this once, he wants to tell you the worst words he knows and you'll tell him the worst words you know. Then take it in turns. Say "bum" and laugh uproariously (because it is so naughty and silly), then he can say fart or willy or whatever and you can laugh together and then carry on. See if you can make him laugh about the terrible words he heard. Even if he tells you a truly shocking word, try not to react too seriously, agree it is an awwwwfulll word and nobody should say words like that. Talk about dahl-esque words you and he could make up to use instead.

Basically try and let him know that you are unshockable but try and maintain the awareness that some words he should only ever share with you because he wouldn't want to hurt someone by accident. Hopefully he may open up when he realises he won't get into trouble from you for telling you what was said at nursery.

Most of our local party entertainers seem to make a very good living shouting toilet words at three and four year olds and having everyone collapse in delighted horror.

But if the words are beyond the realms of usual preschool naughtiness, then you need to go back to the nursery.

Teach him to be a bit less of a wet blanket? It's quite likely that the other children did not mean to be mean. They may not fully understand how it feels. Tell him to say next time if he doesn't like it. If they are doing it on purpose. Anyone who is deliberately mean for no reason is an idiot. Tell him that. Maybe teach him a catch all phrase like 'being mean is stupid' so that he can feel like he has stood up for himself and also so that he learns to take the moral high ground and no care what people like that say.

My lovely 5yr old came home from school once white faced and silent, it turned out a boy in her class had called her a fat fucker I was 😱 but basically had to reinforce positives and explain that he was in the wrong and that she should never use language like they EVER! His parents just shrugged their shoulder's, they weren't even bothered!

I wish someone had taught me to be more resilient!

I whole heartedly wish they had.

I wouldn’t have suffered years of bullying (and then just snapped one day)

I also would be a far more secure, resilient adult - instead I mull over words etc

As upsetting as it is they are only little, what's awful to them is nothing to us. Just this week my 4 year old woke in the night and came in to us saying he had bad dreams, I asked him to tell me what is was about. He said he couldn't telling me if was too scary and far too dangerous to tell me about! My mind was racing dreading what he would tell me if I managed to get it out of him. After reassuring him I was brave and could handle it, through the sobs he uttered it's the floor mummy! Another huge sob and the words it had spiders on it tumbled out! I had to bit my lip to hold in the laugh at the relief that that was all is was! As others have said unless there is a real delinquent in his class the reality is it's so mild you wouldn't blink if you heard it 😊

I think you need to find out what was said excalty

I'm assuming he wasn't too distraught at nursery or a teacher would have noticed end mentioned to you

You do need to toughen up yourself - as horrible as it is seeing your child upset /crying - you do need to teach him to 'fight' back

To tell them to go away if horrible. To tell a teacher etc

I don't blame you for being upset OP and think it's quite a normal reaction for you to have. He was clearly really upset, not just a few tears. You did the right thing in speaking to the nursery and hopefully if there was a big incident then it won't happen again.

Yes we all need to learn to be resilient but this is a 3 year old. Since we don't actually know what happened it seems harsh to say "get over it". Even if children have to learn how to deal with ppl being nasty - that doesn't mean that it isn't upsetting

[Flowers]. I feel for you. It is devastating, I know. My son got horribly bullied at around 4-5 years old, when he went to primary school. The kids were quite nasty, trying to stop him getting to the loo so that he'd wet himself, for example (he didn't, but still..). It upsets me to think about it even now, years later. I tried to deal with it through the school, but nothing really helped until I moved him to a different school, which completely put an end to it, thank god. Keep an eye on the situation, and encourage him to talk about it, so that you know what's going on & can take action if you need to.

Blimey! Talk about a storm in a teacup. No wonder the poor lad's 'sensitive' given your reaction, OP!

I clicked on this thread thinking someone’s 3 year old has been diagnosed with some life threatening illness or A sole survivor of major car crash.
Your reaction is completely ott and you are not going your child any favours it.

I taught my dc to never, ever let anyone see them cry. Laugh at them, pretend that the other kids are joking them Hold it in until they were in the car or out the door.

They are more "resilient" than we are, and this will happen all of their lives, unfortunately. Try to give him good skills and brace your heart bc this is only the beginning.

That said, one of my dc told me that someone said the "F" word..."Fart" as it turned out.

It's miserable and horrible and normal for the reactions of both of you.

I volunteered as often as possible so i could have an idea about the other kids and the rest. Also, dc are generally treated better if a parent is involved in school; by everyone.

Read, figure out how the skills he needs to deal with social situations and teach them to him. Tell him that he's loved and treat it as lightly as possible (joke about it, call the other kids "potty mouth gang" Basically let him know it's part of life, but here's how to deal with it.

Then. After he's in bed, have a glass of wine and a good cry. And remember that it's easy for people to give you advice, but when their dc are blubbing their way home, it's not a "get resilient" matter to them. So do not feel guilty for your kindness and heartbreak. We all go through this, as do our dc.

We all go through this, as do our dc

No, we do not. Most of us do not sit around and cry, heartbroken, because our toddlers had a tiny spat with another toddler
Don't imagine your ridiculous behaviour is common to all of us.

My 4 year old had only just started school when one day he very innocently used the words 'f*^%ing bitch' when things went wrong with whatever he was modelling with playdough. I nearly fell off my chair! One thing I was sure of is that he'd never heard these words at home!

When I asked him where he'd heard them he said ' at school says that all the time!'. I told him these were not words he should ever use, and I don't think he ever has since

So bad words might be have been used, but if your little one understood them, my guess is they were probably not as bad as you feared.

To be honest, at three 'poop head' gets them upset as a bad word. Though if the other children have older siblings they could be worse, but at the end of the day - a word is a word and the meaning of a bad word is no more powerful than a regular word. It's the connotations adults put on them that is the problem.

However his reaction concerns me more. To be that upset would suggest it was a personal insult or verbal attack not just a rude word. You could try play with his fav figures, acting out normal everyday things and he will more than likely act out what they did.

Teach him that bad words are just silly nonsense and that mummy is a safe person to tell anything too and he wont get in to trouble for telling you the bad words that they said.

Or make a worry box - an old shoe box with a post hole. He can draw a picture of a worry and post it in, tell him once something upsetting has been posted in then he doesn't have to worry or think about ir any more (he could whisper it or ask you to write it if he wants)

When I was about five or six, my older brother mentioned a 'Bloody Mary'. I told him he was naughty and it was swearing, but he said it was OK because it was a drink, so it was allowed.

With impeccable logic, I asked if 'bloody ostrich' was allowed. He dramatically gasped, told me that I'd just sworn, and that he was going to tell mom and dad. I ended up in tears. My dad burst out laughing when he found out why I was upset.

My brother could be a right cunt.

You’ve had a bit of a hard time op, but I don’t think it’s at all unreasonable for you to be worried. I’d be worried sick if either of mine came home in this state and they are a lot older than your ds. You know your dc better than anyone and if you are concerned there is probably good reason. I’m not sure how exactly you are supposed to ‘teach resilience’ when you don’t even know what you’re dealing with? I totally agree with putting a brave face on it and distracting the child, but I think it’s important to find out exactly what happened first.

You’ve had some great advice about how to get your child to open up. Try and speak to your ds and find out what upset him so much. Best case scenario it is something of nothing and your mind is put at rest, but if it isn’t you’ll be very glad that you took your ds and your own instincts seriously.

Maybe had a bad/ sensitive day and could only articulate it with that one part of it?

One of the teachers at my nursery gave me a great book called ' how to handle those ways and woes ( always a whirlwind where little one goes) ' explains situations in small rhymes and how to deal with them.
DS loved it. I feel for you both, nothing worse than picking up a child in distress.x