AIBU to be devastated about 3 year old?!

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My 3.5 year old DS came out from nursery with his upside down smile and a wobbly bottom lip, when I got him in the car and on the way home I was asking him what was up, he kept shaking his head and then I could see he was very upset (silent tears streaming down his cheeks) so I pulled over and asked him what was wrong, if it was something that happened at nursery? He said it was and I gently coaxed him until he told me, he said ‘the boys (names) at nursery said horrible and nasty words to me’ I asked what they said and he shook his head I asked again and he said ‘bad words mummy’. I comforted him and when home I asked him again what they had said and he wouldn’t say. I’m devastated my beautiful, kind hearted, angel has had to deal with this at the age of three! I am so so upset I don’t think I can get over it, I know the boys that said these things (still don’t know what they said he still clamps up when asked) are only 3-4 but I am so so angry and hurt about it, I can’t deal with it! I have spoken to the teacher and she was great about it but I felt like OTT crazy mum as I was so serious about it and they are only babies but it makes me sick to my stomach that he was so hurt and upset and not himself, I will have so much more of this to deal with, how do you cope with this?!

How exactly does one teach a three year old to be resilient?

Amazed at the consensus that this is what you need to do.

I think you need to figure out what was said first, like was it racist/abusive/sexual/extremely serious?

Or was it a minor incident like ‘poop head’?

Only then can you figure out the best plan forwards as you have half of the story now. He will recover from this don’t worry, will be forgotten in a week or so.

I must admit mine didn't know any bad words at three, but they didn't have any 'older cousins'.

I would like to know too so I can practice, if I can that’s great but I am struggling now whilst thinking how can I teach a three year old resilience, just how?!

cheby lots of children take things to heart, I would say trying to be breezy about it is a good start. Also, acknowledging that someone has been mean but pointing out that they were wrong or silly and distracting your child with something else, or reminding your child that there are times they don’t want to play/do whatever is going on and it doesn’t actually mean the other child was being unkind. And so on.

Of course it doesn’t always work but what you don’t do is react as though something utterly awful has happened. I mean if you’re a small child and an adult shows that they consider the (relatively minor) event to be truly terrible and something to be distraught about then that’s just going to reinforce their feelings isn’t it?

You can teach resilience.
Take every opportunity to boost confidence. What have they done well? Be specific
Don't overreact. The people who are unkind are the poo heads and not worth bothering about. (DON'T USE THOSE WORDS!)
Mix widely. If they only have friends at school then it's the end of the world if they fall out.
Allow them to experience success. Through climbing or music or singing.
Praise. Be specific. Your child is amazing. They need to know that.
Don't overreact. Your child being very sick is devastating. Some twit calling them a poo head isn't worth worrying about.
Model resilience. Show them how to bounce back.

Without wishing to be unkind, I think you may be overreacting just a lot tad. You do not know what has been said. You say your DS is kind and beautiful, I am sure the parents of the other children 'involved' think the same of them too.

Fins out what has been said. If it was truly awful then point out time that your DS has not been very kind in his words to you, there must have been some, when he was cross, or he really is an angel rather than human. Point out he did not mean them and compare the two occasions. That is how you build resilience in him!

All those saying teach him to be resilient, how exactly?

It's a matter of bolstering them really. At that age you are just setting the foundations. So reassure them, expain that sometimes people are mean, maybe they can't help it,/maybe they're having a bad day, teach them how to deal with incidents like that.

It's just teaching them how to cope with Life. Nothing special really.

You teach a three year old resilience by acknowledging he is is upset and moving on swiftly.

You wait until he comes home and tells you that a friend says he can't play with another boy due to the colour of his skin. Angry was he word I used. Not devastated. (much overused) or mortified (ditto).

School is crap for littlies. You just have to be there to help him through the many crap events he will encounter.

www.beststart.org/resources/hlthy_chld_dev/pdf/BSRC_Resilience_English_fnl.pdf

By modelling resilience yourself. Your reaction is pretty over the top guvennyou don't know what exactly was said to "your angel". So I'd be supporting him to tell me what was said, if he wouldn't tell me I'd be calm, comforting while also helping him think of what he could do if it happens again (tell nursery staff, move away from the boys, play with someone else) and helping him identify who can help him when things go wrong.

I wouldn't assume him level of distress reflects what was actually said to him and would explore what else might be going on and distracting him from it (e.g., you sound really tired too, will we go home and watch cartoons, what did you do with X today). That teaches him that things happen and they pass and we're ok at the end of it.

How awful. The poor love. And you. I’d talk to the nursery staff.

I worry that he is too kind and loving and caring

He's not. Nor is he especially more 'kind and loving and caring' than his peers. Trust me on that.

I don't think you're being ott. It's hard when they hear the way other children speak if they're not used to it. But he will make his own judgment of what he will think is accepted and what's not. He's mixing with other kids who have different backgrounds.
My DS was like this and he got used to hearing things he hadn't heard before but it didn't make a bit of difference in his friendships as they all went home and the end of the day and started again the next day I'd that makes sense.

If that makes sense...

Thank you all.

alert so sorry this happened to your boy., who may well be more kind and caring than others, or simply more sensitive.

My son had some unkind comments recently. Then a short while later asked for X and Y to come and play sometimes. But X was one of the boys who had been mean! So somehow he had gotten over it much more quickly than I had!

The message I would want to get across is
unkind words are not nice
But we can move on from them, especially if we do not accept having them spoken to us and make it clear we don't like it and won't put up with it.
Sometimes things are upsetting, and it is OK to be upset. But eventually we need to move on.

Also, remember that bad words might not necessarily mean swearing, it may mean saying something unkind, without swearing.

Yes Op seeing him as too kind and loving and caring gives me the impression that you’ve already decided he’s more sensitive and more delicate than other children. Please be careful not to wrap him in cotton wool.

I know it’s our job as parents to love and comfort them and that bit generally comes easily but it’s just as much part of the job to teach them to deal with people and situations they don’t like, to have the self confidence not to base their self worth on how other people treat them or whether another child wants to play with them. It’s not easy but it is necessary.

At least he has you and he can tell you about it.

on a tangent here, sorry, but maybe also stop your nephews using "such a girl" as an insult? I find that way more serious than poo-head or even naughtier words, you don't want your LO picking that up!

I understand why you are upset, he is so little, but, yes, hopefully it is just some silly words he has taken to heart rather than anything more serious

I agree; the cousins sound dreadful, no way would I be putting up with that sort of banter.

But yeah, model resilience yourself. Kids can be kind and sensitive but still be tough.

Coco I love your advice that children and adults!) need "to have the self confidence not to base their self worth on how other people treat them or whether another child wants to play with them. It’s not easy but it is necessary." Can I ask - in simple terms - what should be confidence based on? The way people treat you is a biggie, as an adult to, I can't help being affected by it myself, but would love to hear more of your words of wisdom, for the benefit of OP too of course!

sorry for typos - 'as an adult too'.

"I’m devastated my beautiful, kind hearted, angel has had to deal with this at the age of three!"

I think you need to teach him to grow up a little. He'll move on. Probably within a day. If you treat him the way it sounds, he's in for a tough few years.