WIBU to not subsidise DHs Shared Parental Leave?

[PurplePipp]

I'll start by saying that DH have separate finances and it works for us. We both pay into a shared account which all household expenses come out of and leaves us with the same amount of money left over for extras (our own cars, hobbies etc).

DH and I are adopting next year and will be taking SPL. I will be taking six months at full pay and have also saved up a lot of annual leave over the years so will be off for about 10 months in total. The plan was for DH to take about 12 weeks of SPL at statutory pay, to run parallel to my leave so we are both at home together and have a better chance to bond.

I am the main earner although we both work full time. I earn about double what DH does. I also average about 7 hours a week of overtime but the opportunity to do lots more. DH rarely gets the opportunity to work overtime.

For every week of SPL my DH takes, we need £100 in savings to subsidise his statutory pay. I recently received a large performance bonus that has gone straight into savings. I've picked up a project at work which means I can get an extra 5 hours of overtime a week, which will go into savings. This means we should in theory have enough to buy all the baby bits we need as well as DH taking 12 weeks of leave.

But DH has now been asked to work 3 Sunday's between now and Christmas. He is able to have this either as overtime or as time in lieu, and he has decided to take it as time in lieu and have the Fridays off instead so he still gets two days off on those weeks. I know it's a pain only having one day off a week, but this is only for 3 non-consecutive weeks and it's pissed me off a bit that he's not taking it as overtime. The Sunday's are also only 6 hours but paid as an 8 hour day, and I work this amount of overtime every week.

I'm going to have a chat with DH tonight to see if I can persuade him to take them as overtime instead, but if not WIBU to say that I don't want my overtime and my bonus to subsidise his time off if he has the opportunity to contribute to it himself but chooses not to? I'd still be happy to subsidise 6 weeks, but I kinda feel like why should I be working my arse off for him to have 12 weeks off?

The flipside of this is that he does work hard in his job, pulls his weight with housework and childcare arrangements and is genuinely a really lovely person. Our financial situation has always been this way so we generally agree that because I'm the higher earner I pay more towards the house and pay into savings because he's not able to, his financial contribution is smaller but we are both left with equal amounts of spending money as I think that's fair.

DH is naturally lazy - I don't mean that to be nasty, he does work hard and he does that because he has to not because hes nayurally inclined to do so. He really values his free time.

I'm similar, but I think being the higher earner puts a bit more pressure on me having to be less lazy!

If you’re dh was lazy he wouldn’t work hard.

And good for him for valuing his free time! Life is too short to work harder than necessary.

Have you looked into whether you can take a mortgage payment holiday? Can you take the pressure off how much you need to buy/save.

We don't have a mortgage yet we are currently in the process of trying to buy our rented property (from family so no risk of losing our home if it doesn't happen right away) but no option to not pay the rent!

The only things we are budgeting for is the SPL, pram and car seat. Everything else will either come with the child from foster care or will be given to us in gifts etc. So the only way to reduce the pressure is to accept that 12 weeks of SPL for DH isn't doable, which was why I posted - wanted to know if I was being unreasonable to stop saving so DH could only have half as much leave.

believeitornot that wasn't a criticism of DH, it's a fact. His natural state is to do the bare minimum but he's also a decent person and knows that it's not acceptable to just do that if it means all the slack falling to someone else.

So for him working full time probably makes him feel like he's already pushing himself quite far above his natural state of bare minimumness, when for most people it's just normal reality. So he then doesn't feel the need to go above and beyond that if the opportunity arises.

I would be worried about your ability to support each other and work together as a team when you adopt.

Lazy is a derogatory term. His priorities are different....?

He works - that’s not lazy?

I would be worried about your ability to support each other and work together as a team when you adopt

What so you think you've picked up on in this anonymous internet post that our social worker has missed over the past 7 months of assessing my DH and I, spending hours upon hours of interviewing us and our friends and families and my DSD? What do you think the panel of experts, who completely interrogated us on everything she wrote in her report, have missed?

believeitornot lazy is the exact word my DH uses to describe himself when we've had this exact conversation in the past. He has spoken to me about having to overcome his laziness and how it's a daily struggle, so to me it's a fact not a derogatory remark.

This thread OP.

And I'm asking what you have picked up on in this thread that has actually made you think that DH and I shouldn't adopt? Do you want the name and address of my social worker so you can write to her and say "Pipp had a bit of a wobble because she's working a lot of overtime and her DH isn't, I don't really think they should be adopting"

I think if I were in your position, I think I would look at all of that as money that goes toward the family, toward both of you raising and bonding with the child.

I think I would try not to look, at all, at where the money comes from, but instead look at what it's going to, if that makes sense, which is ultimately the child's bond and happiness and security.

I didn't say you shouldn't be adopting. As you say, I haven't had the privilege of dissecting your entire being and discussing you with various family members and professionals.

Thank you JWrecks you are right. I just had a blip about the fact I'm putting in an awful lot of additional effort for our savings and he's been given an opportunity to make a contribution and has turned it down.

And what Jwrecks said ^^

It must be a very stressful time. Wishing you all the best

I'd always go for TOIL in preference to overtime.

You don't pay tax or NI on TOIL!

Darth well you seem to think that DH and I are not a good enough team when you've never met either of us and havent ever spoken to him, so of course i assume that you think you know a lot more than you do about us.

Saying he had to go without during bonding time with your future child because his work policy isn't as generous as yours

Where on earth do you get that from? She hasn't said that, she said she feels that she is working long overtime hours to enable them to afford his time off whilst he is turning down the opportunity to contribute similarly. I can see her frustration and tiredness.

Oh OP, what a hard time you're getting! I think some people are projecting a lot of extra stuff that simply wasn't in your posts. I agree that you sound tired and stressed and I'm glad you'll have a chance to take some time off before your child arrives.

Those who are criticising the OP for begrudging her DH parental leave - she's not! She's begrudging him time off which he will be using unproductively before their shared leave starts, and which he could instead convert into money that would help to fund that time, which she's said very clearly is a priority for them both.

I think you sound like lovely parents-to-be, who haven't quite communicated successfully on this issue yet. But I've every faith that you will! Maybe those saying your DH is also feeling the stress of the adoption process and could actually really do with that downtime are right, but you'll only find out if you ask him (as you've already said you'll do). Good luck!

Thank you JWrecks. I am stressed (clearly, obviously). I shouldn't be taking it out on you, or on DH!!

You’re about to become parents, you’re having a wobble, that’s ok. It’s an incredibly stressful time and added to that, you’ve undergone a rigorous adoption process. For what it’s worth, I see where you’re coming from and I think, since you explained more, I definitely think YANBU. Talk to him, maybe he’s feeling a wobble too. You’ll get through this but keep talking.

It's hilarious that having a job is equated with someone not being "lazy" - have you never had a coworker who you would describe as lazy? Or seen a thread on here about a man who works but sits on his arse at home and is rightly called lazy?

YANBU
The way your post reads to me OP, is that you had no issues working more to save more for your DH to have this extra SPL, however now he's been given an opportunity to work a little extra to help contribute to this savings he has chosen not to, because he already has you doing it.

I'd be pissed that he seems to think it's OK for you to do overtime to acquire more for the savings (that are actually for his benefit), but he doesn't want to do any overtime himself.

Thank you Sunny. It is posters like you (And others on here) who are actually really helping people in need of some support rather than just criticising. And I really appreciate that, so much. DH is just back so will have a little chat with him now about it, but honestly I think that now I've got the venting out of my system I realise how unimportant it really is. I'll work as much overtime as I'm happy to for the foreseeable, but I won't feel obliged. Whatever we have in the bank when we are matched can be used to figure out how much SPL DH can take. He won't complain if it's not as much as we were hoping because he's not a cunt but ive got to prioritise my own wellness for a while

YABU , you’ll need an attitutude I think when you have a family. I know a couple with kids who keep ‘separate’ finances and it’s exhausting listening to them argue over who owes what and who’s paid what towards the kids etc. I also think you are BU calling him lazy, it’s a shitty word to use about someone. If he has different priorities to you, you might find that really useful when you have a child. Having one parent not as driven by work will come in very handy...

Yes purplepip this seems a very sensible way forward. There is no sense in you working flat out for a shared goal if it isn't shared and it doesn't sound like it is. A more achievable goal that means you both have spare energy may be easier to reach and lead to less resentment for you.
I don't think money has to be in the same accounts for it to be shared, our money is pooled but we both have our own accounts that salaries get paid into and money gets flitted around between them. We just don't think of it as my money and his money.