WIBU to not subsidise DHs Shared Parental Leave?

[PurplePipp]

I'll start by saying that DH have separate finances and it works for us. We both pay into a shared account which all household expenses come out of and leaves us with the same amount of money left over for extras (our own cars, hobbies etc).

DH and I are adopting next year and will be taking SPL. I will be taking six months at full pay and have also saved up a lot of annual leave over the years so will be off for about 10 months in total. The plan was for DH to take about 12 weeks of SPL at statutory pay, to run parallel to my leave so we are both at home together and have a better chance to bond.

I am the main earner although we both work full time. I earn about double what DH does. I also average about 7 hours a week of overtime but the opportunity to do lots more. DH rarely gets the opportunity to work overtime.

For every week of SPL my DH takes, we need £100 in savings to subsidise his statutory pay. I recently received a large performance bonus that has gone straight into savings. I've picked up a project at work which means I can get an extra 5 hours of overtime a week, which will go into savings. This means we should in theory have enough to buy all the baby bits we need as well as DH taking 12 weeks of leave.

But DH has now been asked to work 3 Sunday's between now and Christmas. He is able to have this either as overtime or as time in lieu, and he has decided to take it as time in lieu and have the Fridays off instead so he still gets two days off on those weeks. I know it's a pain only having one day off a week, but this is only for 3 non-consecutive weeks and it's pissed me off a bit that he's not taking it as overtime. The Sunday's are also only 6 hours but paid as an 8 hour day, and I work this amount of overtime every week.

I'm going to have a chat with DH tonight to see if I can persuade him to take them as overtime instead, but if not WIBU to say that I don't want my overtime and my bonus to subsidise his time off if he has the opportunity to contribute to it himself but chooses not to? I'd still be happy to subsidise 6 weeks, but I kinda feel like why should I be working my arse off for him to have 12 weeks off?

The flipside of this is that he does work hard in his job, pulls his weight with housework and childcare arrangements and is genuinely a really lovely person. Our financial situation has always been this way so we generally agree that because I'm the higher earner I pay more towards the house and pay into savings because he's not able to, his financial contribution is smaller but we are both left with equal amounts of spending money as I think that's fair.

Money buys time with her new child. Dies that not really matter?

Haven't read all the thread but be aware when baby comes you need to be in full strength not wrecked. So very important to have me time and a short holiday between now and then as it will be full on.
Hope everything goes well.

Good luck OP! I wish you and your new family well.

Your initial post was a bit poorly worded (understandable) but your second one was much clearer, and obviously your DH gets it too! Don’t think AIBU is the right place for anyone genuinely looking for suggestions to post though.. every situation on here needs a clear villain and a clear hero, and when the OP is branded a villain there’s almost nothing he or she can say to redeem themselves. (And if they do they they will be accused of drip feeding).

Glad you’ve got it sorted IRL though!

Perhaps I’m reading this wrong because I’m not really getting the determination to say you are a rotten meanie like everybody else.

What it looks like to me is that you have busted a gut to make certain you can cover your leave and his before it happens and your purturbed that he has not taken the chance to for the sake of 3 days off have two weeks of his leave covered by his efforts instead of yours.

I would give yourself a break, you are both going to need to be rested for the excitIng changes ahead. Glad your talk with DH went well. Parenting only ever needs to be good enough, don't aim for perfect 🙂

I don't think you are being U at all.

Have you said to him "hey, DH - those three days of overtime are equivalent to two extra weeks at home with the baby. Please consider working the overtime because I'm feeling a bit upset you are putting all the onus of saving for the time off onto me"

At the moment he has no incentive to work any harder - you earn more, you work more hours, you've got it covered.

I didn't think your OP came across badly at all!

It's not time off - adoption is incredibly hard going on parents - if much rather my DH took time off in lieu than add what is really a small amount to our savings especially if between us we could afford to cover the cost of both our leave. He and you will need the capacity that being more rested will bring.

If there's a choice I'd go for time over money every time.

Finally finished the whole thread!
Well done OP! Unlucky phrasing of the original post though. But great that your DH only needed a nudge to get the picture.
Don’t exhaust yourself just because you’re not physically carrying a baby, you still to be a good place mentally and physically. If you both can’t make the 12week fund target, it is not the end of the world.
Good luck with the adoption

CurlyhairedAssassin

Curly just because I have an opinion that differs from yours it doesn't make me a troller! I change my name routinely because I don't want to be outed. I've said numerous things which make me recognisable. If I didn't change my name then people would know who I was! You're a total idiot. I gave my opinion. Get over yourself. I hope you sort something out OP. Despite the vile response of one, what I said still stands. I wasn't meaning to be rude

Yabvu, how awful!

Wow. I work part time. My dh earns loads more than me and works more hrs. In may I'll have my third maternity leave in the last ten years. Ill be off a year. My dh will pay as he always does. And happily so.

So you've had a chat and he's seen the error of his ways your point of view, and agreed he was unreasonable.

Excellent!

Hope all goes well for you and your new family.

Glad you DH was just a little thoughtless rather than deliberately selfish and that you've worked things out. Having kids inevitably leads to times when you are both stressed/overworked so being able to talk these things out before resentment hits boiling point is vital!

But this thread is really yet another lesson is how some people still think women are responsible for everything to do with kids isn't it? - all those patronising replies about how the OP should 'put the childs needs first', and yet zero requirement for her DH to do the same.

I'm glad you talked. He sounds a keeper after all! Seriously tho - a lazier, more chilled out dh will balance out your tendency to stress. (Our set up is very much the same.) As long as you keep talking all will go well. Good luck with it all.