WIBU to not subsidise DHs Shared Parental Leave?

[PurplePipp]

I'll start by saying that DH have separate finances and it works for us. We both pay into a shared account which all household expenses come out of and leaves us with the same amount of money left over for extras (our own cars, hobbies etc).

DH and I are adopting next year and will be taking SPL. I will be taking six months at full pay and have also saved up a lot of annual leave over the years so will be off for about 10 months in total. The plan was for DH to take about 12 weeks of SPL at statutory pay, to run parallel to my leave so we are both at home together and have a better chance to bond.

I am the main earner although we both work full time. I earn about double what DH does. I also average about 7 hours a week of overtime but the opportunity to do lots more. DH rarely gets the opportunity to work overtime.

For every week of SPL my DH takes, we need £100 in savings to subsidise his statutory pay. I recently received a large performance bonus that has gone straight into savings. I've picked up a project at work which means I can get an extra 5 hours of overtime a week, which will go into savings. This means we should in theory have enough to buy all the baby bits we need as well as DH taking 12 weeks of leave.

But DH has now been asked to work 3 Sunday's between now and Christmas. He is able to have this either as overtime or as time in lieu, and he has decided to take it as time in lieu and have the Fridays off instead so he still gets two days off on those weeks. I know it's a pain only having one day off a week, but this is only for 3 non-consecutive weeks and it's pissed me off a bit that he's not taking it as overtime. The Sunday's are also only 6 hours but paid as an 8 hour day, and I work this amount of overtime every week.

I'm going to have a chat with DH tonight to see if I can persuade him to take them as overtime instead, but if not WIBU to say that I don't want my overtime and my bonus to subsidise his time off if he has the opportunity to contribute to it himself but chooses not to? I'd still be happy to subsidise 6 weeks, but I kinda feel like why should I be working my arse off for him to have 12 weeks off?

The flipside of this is that he does work hard in his job, pulls his weight with housework and childcare arrangements and is genuinely a really lovely person. Our financial situation has always been this way so we generally agree that because I'm the higher earner I pay more towards the house and pay into savings because he's not able to, his financial contribution is smaller but we are both left with equal amounts of spending money as I think that's fair.

WRT prams OP, if as I suspect you're likely to be matched with an older baby/toddler, you may be able to go for a more lightweight and cheaper model. Something like a Maclaren or similar is not what most people want from birth eagerly awaits shitstorm but does very nicely once they're a bit older. Whereas the ones that are several hundred are usually that much because they're designed to be both a pram and a trolley, to last you longer. You don't necessarily need that if you'll be getting an older baby or toddler.

There are some fab models out there suitable for 1 year olds and above that you could get for under £150 new, so you may not need to budget as hard for it as you might think.

For what it's worth I think you are right op and I think you have had a hard time.

And I think if the roles were reversed as others have said people would not say it's financial abuse. Imagine:

Dh and I are adopting, dh has a long commute that I do not have, he earns double what I do but also pays extra to the house so we can have the same spends. We are trying to save hard, he is doing overtime every week, I don't often get the opportunity buy recently I have, it's just three days bit would add a lot to our savings but I can't be arsed, I want to take the three days to sit at home and mumsnet, I know dh will keep doing overtime so it won't matter anyway

^ now how the fuck could that be financial abuse. That is exactly the situation here.

I earn about double what DH does

10 hours overtime earns you 100?

It's SPL which you're both trying to have with your new child.

You're taking 10 months off; he's taking 12 weeks. Because that's all the two of you can afford. I'm sure he would have loved to have had more time at home, too? Give him a break! You even say he works hard and is a great person. Sheesh.

The days he will be working and taking off in lieu are not days he would normally see his daughter, otherwise I would absolutely not object to him taking the time off!! We are both home as much as possible for my DSD. I leave the office early one day a week to collect her from school then log back on once she's in bed. DH does two morning school runs with her. And she is with us on one full weekend and then the Saturday of the following weekends.

The Sunday's days he is working are the only Sunday's she is not with us, and his days off in lieu are the Fridays of the weekends she is not with us. We are both around for her contact time with DH - usually both of us but always one of us.

FWIW, OP, I don’t think YABU at all. You work more hours than your DH, more overtime, and a commute. You’re working your arse off to help the two of you afford as much SPL as possible, and he’s passed up three non-consecutive weeks of overtime that adds up to less than a standard week of yours so he can sit and chill?

Not fair from where I’m standing.

As for the people saying you shouldn’t adopt, they’re disgusting - please ignore them. Some muppets are very brave behind a screen.

*I earn about double what DH does

10 hours overtime earns you 100?*

After tax, pension deductions, and student loan repayments - yes. Is that not believable?

I’d be pissed off if I was doing overtime to contribute to joint savings and my dh was given the same option but took extra days off instead. I don’t think this is any different really. Have a chat with your dp - hope it goes well and best wishes for the adoption x

If you're on full pay / holiday pay but saving on commuting costs, can't that offset the reduction in income from DH?

YANBU

It isnt about amounts but about effort and why should one person put all the effort in and the other not? Sounds like he takes your high earning for granted.

If you're on full pay / holiday pay but saving on commuting costs, can't that offset the reduction in income from DH?

It will, the £100 a week we need is on top of statutory pay and what I'm saving on my commute.

If you regularly work longer hours than your dh, I can understand why you're cross at this. I'd ask him to do the overtime too OP.

I think when you become a family you have to become more united including financially. I don't see how it works otherwise myself.

I think your title would be better worded "AIBU to expect DH to put in as much work as me towards Parental Leave costs?" because imo thats the issue here rather than "subsidising" anyone.

You life sounds very calculated and spreadsheety. Such control when you new DC arrives will be near on impossible to manage - I suggest you throw your spreadsheets out of the window right now. Congrats by the way, but please loosen up!

You are already doing enough, Op. Leaving work early to pick up his daughter from school and then making up the lost working time later when she is in bed. What is he doing while you are back working on the computer later in the evening?

Maybe you should have some rest time for yourself while he has contact time with his daughter?

Just talk to him, and tell him you're exhausted with all you're trying to achieve, your long commute, your overtime, etc. He needs to know about this. He may not be aware of how much its affecting you and actually think you're happy putting all this effort in.
I think we often expect our partners to know how we feel without telling them, which is unfair.
It sounds like its got to the point where a relatively small thing like this is bothering you too much. Tell him that.

Maybe you should have some rest time for yourself while he has contact time with his daughter?

He starts and finishes work a few hours later than average, so on the one weeknight she's with us he gets home just before her bedtime. So I could log back on when DSD is home and infront of the telly but I prefer to have some one on one time with her, take her swimming or something, then log back on once she's asleep. DH will cook dinner and do all the housework on that evening, then watch football or something for downtime. Which works for us

You life sounds very calculated and spreadsheety

to be fair, when adoption is involved, you have to be. Questions about how they are affording/planning to make sure they can take off the required amount of time after the adoption is standard, and very very intrusive. You have no privacy at all when you are adopting so the more "spreadsheety" stuff the OP has, the better.

YABU. The savings are surely family money - even if you don't think so a court would during a divorce. Saying he had to go without during bonding time with your future child because his work policy isn't as generous as yours and he doesn't want to work overtime is borderline economic abuse... Really think about what you've written and how unfair it is

OP, you sound like you are really invested in the family unit and you will both make great parents to your adopted child too. Ignore all the shitty comments about not adopting. . Hope they haven’t knocked your confidence.

I agree with a PP. talk to your DH. He may not realise how tired and stressed you are working all th extra overtime. He may not realise the financial impact his not taking the paid overtime will be.

All that info in the OP is irrelevant. Are you a couple parenting together? You both work properly. You both prioritise shared parenting by planning your SPL together. You are not subsidising anyone - you are each contributing towards your child's well-being. Work-life balance is also important.

You’re so wrong, LondonGirl. what if OP decided she just didn’t want to work any overtime?

I think it's good you've got your finances sorted but i am worried you are stressing yourself out.
As an adoptive parents it's as important to manage your emotional and physical energy as your finances.
I think your husband perhaps errs to the slightly lazy - but at this stage, knowing what's coming up - i think his attitude is right.
Have you looked into whether you can take a mortgage payment holiday? Can you take the pressure off how much you need to buy/save. (People are going to shower you with gifts)
It's a stressful time and you genuinely NEED to look after yourself before and while you parent a traumatised child. However bad you feel now it's going to get worse before it gets better. As wellas utterly joyful at the same time.

Op if I read your posts right, really you’re not happy that you feel like you go the extra mile to support the family and that he doesn’t to the same extent. If that’s the case I think you should talk to him about your concerns