WIBU to not subsidise DHs Shared Parental Leave?

[PurplePipp]

I'll start by saying that DH have separate finances and it works for us. We both pay into a shared account which all household expenses come out of and leaves us with the same amount of money left over for extras (our own cars, hobbies etc).

DH and I are adopting next year and will be taking SPL. I will be taking six months at full pay and have also saved up a lot of annual leave over the years so will be off for about 10 months in total. The plan was for DH to take about 12 weeks of SPL at statutory pay, to run parallel to my leave so we are both at home together and have a better chance to bond.

I am the main earner although we both work full time. I earn about double what DH does. I also average about 7 hours a week of overtime but the opportunity to do lots more. DH rarely gets the opportunity to work overtime.

For every week of SPL my DH takes, we need £100 in savings to subsidise his statutory pay. I recently received a large performance bonus that has gone straight into savings. I've picked up a project at work which means I can get an extra 5 hours of overtime a week, which will go into savings. This means we should in theory have enough to buy all the baby bits we need as well as DH taking 12 weeks of leave.

But DH has now been asked to work 3 Sunday's between now and Christmas. He is able to have this either as overtime or as time in lieu, and he has decided to take it as time in lieu and have the Fridays off instead so he still gets two days off on those weeks. I know it's a pain only having one day off a week, but this is only for 3 non-consecutive weeks and it's pissed me off a bit that he's not taking it as overtime. The Sunday's are also only 6 hours but paid as an 8 hour day, and I work this amount of overtime every week.

I'm going to have a chat with DH tonight to see if I can persuade him to take them as overtime instead, but if not WIBU to say that I don't want my overtime and my bonus to subsidise his time off if he has the opportunity to contribute to it himself but chooses not to? I'd still be happy to subsidise 6 weeks, but I kinda feel like why should I be working my arse off for him to have 12 weeks off?

The flipside of this is that he does work hard in his job, pulls his weight with housework and childcare arrangements and is genuinely a really lovely person. Our financial situation has always been this way so we generally agree that because I'm the higher earner I pay more towards the house and pay into savings because he's not able to, his financial contribution is smaller but we are both left with equal amounts of spending money as I think that's fair.

Sunbeam I assume so as she is working to make more of it happen

Our finances going forward as parents is sorted already, we had to go into a lot of depth as part of our assessment. This overtime issue is a one-off issue of me working myself too hard and DH having a rare opportunity to alleviate that. I won't be working overtime at all once we are parents so our income will be fixed, we will both be working 30 hours a week, and we will both have the same spending money (if there is any).

Sorry - if he's NOT putting in equivalent effort.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable and I get where you are coming from - you just want to feel you are both pulling out all the stops at the moment to get your savings as high as possible for when you need time off. I think I would feel the same too.

Now that you’ve explained that it is important for either you or your dh to be around your child for as long as possible, I do understand. In those circumstances, no, YANBU. He should be prioritising time for your child. Is there any reason as to why he doesn’t want to work the days? Is it a physically demanding job?

I think you are a being a bit mean and also coming across as though you think you are superior to him because you earn more.

In our house I am the main earner by some way, I also work much longer hours in a more mentally taxing job. Without my job we wouldn’t be able to afford our house or holidays.

However, I would not be able to do any of this without the support of my husband, emotionally and logistically, the man is incredible and his contribution to our lives invaluable.

I think before adding a very vulnerable child to your lives you really need to address how you view your husband, marriage is a partnership. It’s not about whoever puts more money in the pot being the better spouse.

Don't be quite so hard on yourself OP - Yes your original phrasing could have been better but you are understandable shattered.

DH and I share all our finances but I'm in complete agreement with you. This will make things easier for you all in the long run so he really should just suck it up and get on with it.

Talk to him and be honest about how exhausted you feel having done the brunt of the work. He needs to take some of the pressure off of you.

I think it very much depends on how he spends his 3 days off, if he uses the time to maybe decorate new babies room, having a good spring clean or similar then fair enough.. if he spends this time sat around watching TV or playing games then I would be very pissed off!

I think yanbu. If you are working overtime to allow you both to be with future DC to bond then so should he.

For those questioning our suitability as adopters - I'm having a wobble.

To be fair OP there was only that one person. Nobody else has been that stupid. I also quite agree that it makes sense for him to be around for the 12 weeks initially. These are specific circumstances that are different to most people's experience.

Slightly depends on what he is planning on doing with the days off. If he’s doing something useful such as preparation for the new addition ( congratulations!) then it’s a sensible use of time. If he’s planning to go to a casino then less so.

Why is it all or nothing? Maybe you should do less overtime when you are so stressed and exhausted? Adoption is ruthless and relentless for many new parents so perhaps you should actually be also focusing on relaxation and having some quality time both alone and together.

The costs of children are quite difficult to predict,too. You may budget for a and y and find that you actually need a and b instead. Adopted children doubly so. So I would also concentrate hard on living on a much lower budget.

Yarent being completely U but possibly a bit too rigid in your thinking and that’s something to consider very carefully as you take this massive step.

Good luck.

Not a physically demanding job, it's a mentally unstimulating job that bores him. He's going to do a qualification next year that will help with a career change, timing hasn't been right for him to do so yet and we both agrees best to leave it until after the adoption so there is some stability in the early days.

He's not unmotivated and wants to do better, he had a shit start to life that affected his education and that has impacted on his earning ability.

YABU and if genders were reversed everyone would be screaming financial abuse.

Good lord! 6 months paid leave, lol. Here in the US we lay down for a few minutes, give birth and then get right back to work. I don’t know if anything had changed but when my baby was born 29 yrs ago, men went back to work the next day and the women did after a few weeks - if they worked outside the home - and those two weeks were probably unpaid leave.

I strapped my baby onto me and did farm work as soon as I could walk again (C.Section). We all bonded just fine.

How do farmers and other self-employed folk manage there? Serious question. Do they get full-paid maternity leave?

OP I think you should be grateful he’s such a good bloke and give him a break.

I get it OP. What happened to the usual MN 'rule' about having equal leisure time? Because at the moment that's massively in the husband's favour. I can see why you're miffed, OP. Has he said what he plans to spend those days on doing? If it is standard weekend stuff I'd say he could forego that on these occasions.

Posters are also referring to the OP having more 'time off' than him once their child arrives. It's not time off, surely? It's time spent on childcare, which isn't the same. So saying 'you'll have more time off when the child arrives' isn't fair.

Finally, the 'you shouldn't be adopting' comments seem overly dramatic and hurtful. Is no couple who adopts ever allowed to have a disagreement? Can't they be human and have problems in the relationship ever again?

You don't (yet) sound like a family unit. I don't think you can continue the financial arrangements in place once your little one is with you. Most couples pool their money, have joint savings and are invested both emotionally and financially and in every single way.

My husband and I have joint account and we pay each other the same amount each month for personal expenses (it is not much but is nice to have) in the end we are both very very working hard to achieve the same thing. We never argue about money as a result. Joint large purchases are discussed and agreed, small ones we buy ourselves. This has worked so well for us for decades because it is fair, and it recognises both of our contribution to our family regardless of who is earning the most at any one time.

Not if people actually read everything the OP has posted Strawberry.

His 3 days off are earmarked for the Xbox!

*However, I would not be able to do any of this without the support of my husband, emotionally and logistically, the man is incredible and his contribution to our lives invaluable.

I think before adding a very vulnerable child to your lives you really need to address how you view your husband, marriage is a partnership. It’s not about whoever puts more money in the pot being the better spouse*

Im not saying I'm working harder because I earn more. My feelings would still be relevant if we earned the same. I'm saying I'm working harder because I'm picking up a hell of a lot more hours and he has the opportunity to give me a bit of a break.

I value my husband a LOT. I appreciate everything he does for me and vice versa.

we are both working very very hard to achieve the same thing

Op maybe its just not realistic to both work so hard and he is better at stepping back and seeing that.

I understand your frustrations but please don't ever think of your higher earning as subsidising him as a parent. My husband is the higher earner and I would hate for him to think like that - and actually like your partner I often choose to work Less than I could. We are all different and it sounds like you may be putting yourself under unrealistic pressure.

Maybe the lesson here is you should back off the overtime a bit and deal with the result of that later on.

Can’t believe some of these responses. I think it’s really quite lazy and unkind of your DH to take TOIL instead of the extra pay when he KNOWS you BOTH need to be saving all that you can before the baby comes AND he sees you working all the hours god sends to try and prepare. If I had an opportunity to do some overtime and bring some more money into the pot but chose to have a day off instead, while sitting on my arse watching my DH bust a gut doing loads of OT, he would quite rightly be pissed off.

Why should the burden fall on one person? I think a lot of people misunderstand the first post. OP’s DH just fancies 2 days off at the weekend BEFORE the baby comes, not while he/she is here and settling in.

This would simply be working a 6 day week for 3 weeks - just 3 weeks! It’s hardly working yourself to the bone for years On end, is it? Plenty of people routinely work a 6 day week for overtime purposes, to earn extra money for the family.

No a couple of people have questioned if the time is right if OP thinks three days off or three days paid is a big deal. It just isn't. And why this fuss if there are no money problems and the leave is amply covered financially. This is such a trivial matter the difficulty and resentment it seems to be causing would suggest more underlying problems.

charolais with all due respect, the UK has some form of maternity pay for everyone because it's the right thing to do. No one should be asked to manage in the way you've described because it used to happen, or happens elsewhere.

Char are you aware this is an adoption? Your post is hugely misjudged

This overtime issue is a one-off issue of me working myself too hard and DH having a rare opportunity to alleviate that

Again you are forcing your financial priorities onto him

He is working full time already and will still be full time just on different days

Act on your own exhaustion and get some perspective it's only 3 days