WIBU to not subsidise DHs Shared Parental Leave?

[PurplePipp]

I'll start by saying that DH have separate finances and it works for us. We both pay into a shared account which all household expenses come out of and leaves us with the same amount of money left over for extras (our own cars, hobbies etc).

DH and I are adopting next year and will be taking SPL. I will be taking six months at full pay and have also saved up a lot of annual leave over the years so will be off for about 10 months in total. The plan was for DH to take about 12 weeks of SPL at statutory pay, to run parallel to my leave so we are both at home together and have a better chance to bond.

I am the main earner although we both work full time. I earn about double what DH does. I also average about 7 hours a week of overtime but the opportunity to do lots more. DH rarely gets the opportunity to work overtime.

For every week of SPL my DH takes, we need £100 in savings to subsidise his statutory pay. I recently received a large performance bonus that has gone straight into savings. I've picked up a project at work which means I can get an extra 5 hours of overtime a week, which will go into savings. This means we should in theory have enough to buy all the baby bits we need as well as DH taking 12 weeks of leave.

But DH has now been asked to work 3 Sunday's between now and Christmas. He is able to have this either as overtime or as time in lieu, and he has decided to take it as time in lieu and have the Fridays off instead so he still gets two days off on those weeks. I know it's a pain only having one day off a week, but this is only for 3 non-consecutive weeks and it's pissed me off a bit that he's not taking it as overtime. The Sunday's are also only 6 hours but paid as an 8 hour day, and I work this amount of overtime every week.

I'm going to have a chat with DH tonight to see if I can persuade him to take them as overtime instead, but if not WIBU to say that I don't want my overtime and my bonus to subsidise his time off if he has the opportunity to contribute to it himself but chooses not to? I'd still be happy to subsidise 6 weeks, but I kinda feel like why should I be working my arse off for him to have 12 weeks off?

The flipside of this is that he does work hard in his job, pulls his weight with housework and childcare arrangements and is genuinely a really lovely person. Our financial situation has always been this way so we generally agree that because I'm the higher earner I pay more towards the house and pay into savings because he's not able to, his financial contribution is smaller but we are both left with equal amounts of spending money as I think that's fair.

Sorry I think you are being mean too.

YABU and

This is why I never understand why people split their finances. You’re creating a new family, a unit. Holding money aside for yourself is just and making your dh save “his” money for leave is even more

Nasty, obviously money is more important than being equal partners in all ways. With this attitude to split finances your relationship is doomed.

Id show him edited version of the above post, explimg that your working your butt off and those three extra days would give him the two weeks

Yes to what everyone else says, but also - parental leave (whether taken by a man or woman) is not time off. Far from it! You're both likely to work much harder and be much more tired than in your paid jobs. It will be hard and stressful - and much more so if you can't pull together as a team.

This is a terrible idea and really mean.
IMHO this is not how a family works

I get you're exhausted and working hard, but again 'so he can have his 12 weeks' - you're making it sound like he's off on holiday! SPL is brilliant for children and, I think, particularly brilliant for adopted children. Try to view it as your hard work combined is giving your new family the best possible start, not you 'gifting' his leave.

I don't think you're being a bitch, but I do think it's time you reassessed how finances are going to work. You will be parenting together. Makes sense to have family money, surely?

I think you're being harsh. You're in a marriage and you chose to work the hours you work and commute where you want to work etc, presumably he doesn't ask you to do it.

I think this is a good reason why finances should be pulled.

YABU for thinking full time childcare for 12 weeks is 'time off'. My DH 'subsided my parental leave' for 3 years. It was fucking hard work for both of us (& very rewarding & lovely & I feel very lucky etc), but it isn't 'time off' nor is it any less valid than working. Difference is I just wasn't getting paid for it.

If you're that caught up over money & you think parenting/childcare is easier than paid work then it doesn't bode well. You also sound very clinical about it, where is the warmth/love/team mentality- you're going to need all of them.

Op to go against the grain here... I see your point. We have separate finances and it works fine.
Perhaps mention your point of view gently and explain that you are feeling exhausted and need some support at the moment. Perhaps he could split it so some over time and a day off??

As an adopter I would see this as a red flag and am surprised that your SW hasn't raised this with you as a relationship issue that you need to resolve prior to adopting. Your relationship needs to be rock solid before you adopt a traumatised child.

Surely 3 extra days you can spend together as a new family is worth more than him doing 3 days overtime!

I think the stress is getting to you. I take it you have a link? Congratulations.

As others have said the 12 weeks is really for your child's benefit, so if you can do it, then do it.

Second, and I'm sure you have been through it with your SW, have you worked out how the finances and responsibilities are going to work after the year is up? (You don't need to go into details here). So are you planning to use childcare (many AC can't cope with that very well), how is that being paid for, who takes the time off if AC is unwell etc.

Finally, just to check, are you aware there is an Adoption board here (under Becoming a Parent).

Are you more anxious about money whereas he is more a 'quality of life' person perhaps?

Adoption is very stressful (we adopted a sibling pair), try to be gentle with yourselves and keep communicating.

Having separate finances in a marriage makes me think of flatmates.

Especially when you get discussions about funding parental leave. Parental leave to look after your child.

Awful.

I see your point as well OP.

A way to re-do your finances, but so that you both have the same amount of individual 'spending' money each month is to do it the other way around. Both salaries go into a joint account out of which all family and general life expenses (mortgage, bills, kids clothes, etc) are paid and then you have a standing order going out to your separate personal accounts for £x per month.

This is what DH and I have done since we started co-habiting 15 years ago it means that we never really notice who's earning more than whom because we both have the same amount to spend each month on ourselves (i.e. clothes, any separate hobbies, etc). It's also meant that we have always had a very 'joint' attitude to money. We're a family. It all just goes in the pot.

YABU. You earn double, and you're getting 4x the time off your husband is getting, but you sound resentful of him having a decent rest.

I think the way you have described the situation above is ok. Could you say something along those lines to him. I'd think about it carefully though - it is easy for this scenario to tip into being financially controlling. Which to be fair you have recognised.

Also did you make the financial plan you currently have together? is he aware of the extra your doing for your family or blissfully unaware?

Maybe he just hasn't realise what the three days mean to you - I presume a bit more time together at home and feeling like a team as oppose to all the financial responsibility of parenthood resting on your shoulders.

I kind of agree with believeitornot tbh

At least, this kind of situation is why I don't and wouldn't ever have separate finances with my OH. Having said that, I would happily tell OH to take overtime if we were short of money, for whatever reason.

At such a time, nit picking over money, i doubt these are your only issues. You don’t sound like a team. Sorry.

I understand you wanting him to take the days as paid overtime to add to the pot, he should if he can. What I don't understand is this whole you subsidising your husband? I don't really get how separate finances like this work with having children? Surely you are a team and you are working together towards the same pot?

YABU with regards to your bonus.

On the issue of overtime, I can see why you're annoyed that you'll be doing more than usual while he's turned down that option. However I don't think it's a good or sustainable idea to think of it in terms of one partner subsidising the other. That way lies madness, once kids come along.

Also if he's the lower earner and you're the one with bonuses and easier access to overtime, is he going to be the one who takes the lion's share of child related time off while you forge ahead and earn more for the family? If so that's even more reason to get out of this mindset now.

If 3 days overtime pays for an additional 2weeks parental leave I can see why you want him to take the pay rather than the TOIL.

But I do tend to think that joint finances make more sense once you have kids.

You could have one joint accout and a current account each and put all the money in the joint account and then you could each have an allowance out of it again? Then it might feel less like you're "subsidising" him because it would highlight that ultimately you're both contributing to your family. Everyone has their own way of doing things though, of course!

I can see why you are feeling a bit annoyed about it but I do think pooling money would help it all feel like less of a stark contrast. Also, it really annoys me when it’s suggested that making more money = working harder (not saying you are saying this but it can build from resentment). My DH makes several times my salary but freely admits that I work more hours and harder for mine (teacher). He’s subsidising a year off for me this year due to my ill health but we look at it as looking after the ‘team’ which is our family.