WIBU to not subsidise DHs Shared Parental Leave?

[PurplePipp]

I'll start by saying that DH have separate finances and it works for us. We both pay into a shared account which all household expenses come out of and leaves us with the same amount of money left over for extras (our own cars, hobbies etc).

DH and I are adopting next year and will be taking SPL. I will be taking six months at full pay and have also saved up a lot of annual leave over the years so will be off for about 10 months in total. The plan was for DH to take about 12 weeks of SPL at statutory pay, to run parallel to my leave so we are both at home together and have a better chance to bond.

I am the main earner although we both work full time. I earn about double what DH does. I also average about 7 hours a week of overtime but the opportunity to do lots more. DH rarely gets the opportunity to work overtime.

For every week of SPL my DH takes, we need £100 in savings to subsidise his statutory pay. I recently received a large performance bonus that has gone straight into savings. I've picked up a project at work which means I can get an extra 5 hours of overtime a week, which will go into savings. This means we should in theory have enough to buy all the baby bits we need as well as DH taking 12 weeks of leave.

But DH has now been asked to work 3 Sunday's between now and Christmas. He is able to have this either as overtime or as time in lieu, and he has decided to take it as time in lieu and have the Fridays off instead so he still gets two days off on those weeks. I know it's a pain only having one day off a week, but this is only for 3 non-consecutive weeks and it's pissed me off a bit that he's not taking it as overtime. The Sunday's are also only 6 hours but paid as an 8 hour day, and I work this amount of overtime every week.

I'm going to have a chat with DH tonight to see if I can persuade him to take them as overtime instead, but if not WIBU to say that I don't want my overtime and my bonus to subsidise his time off if he has the opportunity to contribute to it himself but chooses not to? I'd still be happy to subsidise 6 weeks, but I kinda feel like why should I be working my arse off for him to have 12 weeks off?

The flipside of this is that he does work hard in his job, pulls his weight with housework and childcare arrangements and is genuinely a really lovely person. Our financial situation has always been this way so we generally agree that because I'm the higher earner I pay more towards the house and pay into savings because he's not able to, his financial contribution is smaller but we are both left with equal amounts of spending money as I think that's fair.

Yanbu op. People are saying he's having time off to look after your child but he's not is he - these three days are before that

The rephrased one makes total sense and I understand what you mean when you explain that. I'm regularly out the house 60-70 hours a week and at leaves me absolutely exhausted, so if you can work together to ease that sometimes (and he is out the house less than that normally) then I think it's fair to ask him to do that.

That said, I wouldn't get too caught up on this whole 'shared parental leave' thing. 12 weeks is a LONG time to be home together with a baby or small child! I know that after a month my dh was sort of ready to get back to work. It's nice to be home together while you are adjusting to the change, but you may find it's actually better to take time off separately so you both get alone time to bond as well and you don't stress the heck out of each other. That might mean it could be easier for one of you to go back to work while the other stays at home which overall takes the pressure off you feeling like you need to stress out so much now.

I really appreciate this but because of the adoption circumstances are slightly different. DH needs to be at home at the start to begin to build an attachment with the child before he goes back to work. If I take 10 months off, and then DH has 3 months off, and then our child goes into child care 3 days a week once we are both back at work, that's too much change in too short a period of time for a child who has already had an awful lot of change

Maybe you shouldn't be doing overtime either. If it feels so unfair maybe talk to DH about funding his leave another way? That could be him taking an overtime or could be cutbacks, other savings.

Have you discussed and decided about childcare and how that is going to be paid for? As that can really call in to focus whether it's worth the parent earning the least continuing to work, especially if their income only just covers the childcare costs.

This has all been discussed part of my employment package is a significant employer contribution to childcare costs, plus free hours from the age of 2 as a previously LAC means we won't really have childcare costs. We are both shifting hours around so that we are both at home one weekday each to do childcare too. And if it doesn't work out, DH as the lower earner will go part time and we will pool our finances - it just means we will struggle to get a mortgage.

But your "savings goal" is for YOU to have almost a year off work and your husband to just have three months. Why should he work six days a week so you can take that long off?

Peng she's complaining about the tine off in lieu he is having before the child arrives

I don't think you are mean. Being off work for so long is a worry so it is common sense to save as much as you can. It's about pulling the cart together, if your dh sees you doing constant overtime to save then he should do the same,especially as it's a one off.

As an adopter I would see this as a red flag and am surprised that your SW hasn't raised this with you as a relationship issue that you need to resolve prior to adopting. Your relationship needs to be rock solid before you adopt a traumatised child

OP I too would question your suitability.

I agree with you, if those 3 day's mean he can have another couple of weeks off, he should be jumping at the chance. Maybe phrase it that way, rather than in your initial post though!

You really need to have a careful think about bringing an adopted child into this set up IMHO. You are already stressing out at all the financial implications. Which don't even seem very serious in the grand scheme of things. Three days pay or three days overtime why all this fuss about trivia. And what if this child doesn't settle into three days childcare. It all sounds very fraught to me already.

But your "savings goal" is for YOU to have almost a year off work and your husband to just have three months. Why should he work six days a week so you can take that long off?

I'm on full pay for all of my leave I've said that twice. I could have nothing in savings and still take 10 months of leave and still be better off because I'll be saving £300 a month by not commuting!

For those questioning our suitability as adopters - I'm having a wobble. I'm stressed and tired and I'm allowed to have a wobble. It doesn't mean the full 7 months of assessment my social worker has completed is all just fantasy, or that the panel that unanimously decided to recommend us to be approved are deluded. It means I'm having a wobble because I'm human.

Dailymail, if you read properly you'd see that the OP is taking 6 months at full pay and then holiday (also at full pay). Her husband however is not getting full pay and so is affecting the family finances, albeit for a very good reason.

Presumably she is prioritising time off with the child, in order to bond over time off now and wants him to do the same

YANBU. I expect my husband to provide for his family. Not solely but he does have a responsibility to earn money for us.

You are not born a low earner or a high earner. You get there through your choices. Some find it easier to earn money than others but you have to at least try to improve yourself.

It's about attitude not income level. You can have low earners who study in the spare time, take on extra hours, apply for different jobs and that is great.

I wouldn't want to be with a man who earned half what I do and made no effort to change it. It's not good enough to say I work full time so I'm doing all I can. You've got to be more proactive than that.

He has a baby on the way. He should be looking to bring in more money to pay for his family. If he doesn't want to work more hours, he should be applying for jobs that pay more for the same number of hours and developing skills to get those jobs.

YANBU

You have worked long hours and extra overtime to build a nest egg so both of you can benefit from long parental leave, yet he is not showing willing to push himself a little bit by adding 3 extra day's pay to the pot. He'll be working a 6 day week for 3 nonconsecutive weeks, that is easily doable.

Suggest you talk to him tonight and ask him to take the money instead. He may not have even thought about it and just asked for time off in lieu without thinking.

If you were the man people would be crying out financial abuse. You are married. There is no 'your' money and 'his' money. The money belongs to both of you. It's reasonable to expect him to take it as overtime so that you save a bit more for your new baby but it is not reasonable to act like you are being fleeced. You are not, if you don't like this kind of financial set up you should have married someone who earns more.

I agree with PP re the red flag.
Talk to your SW - you are either having a pre adoption wobble (perfectly normal, they will understand), or SW need to discuss this again with you - finances, childcare etc....you sound stressed out
there is an adoption board - head on over if you haven't already..(though i think you have?)

crossed post OP - aibu, so not the place

The DH is not getting a "long weekend" fwiw. He has been asked to work three Sundays and offered Fridays off in lieu, so in effect all he's done is switched his working days around.

If I were the DH and aware of the resentment this had caused, I'd say no next time overtime was offered!

Your response-phrasing of the problem actually asks a different question. Instead of suggesting your DH isn’t pulling his own weight, you’re now asking whether you share the same priorities.

I agree with PPs. Before the baby arrives, you and DH need to discuss the sort of balance you both feel you will need once the child is with you. Of course, neither of you will know for sure until the time comes, but I suspect this discussion might throw up some interesting answers.

Surely you benefit from him being at home for the paternity leave period too??

YANBU. If I were you, I would stop doing overtime to finance his parental leave. What's in the pot is in the pot - don't kill yourself to put more in there if he's putting in equivalent effort. Definitively don't agree with the majority of comments here. A lot of people used to leaching off their partner I think!