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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to not subsidise DHs Shared Parental Leave?

240 replies

PurplePipp · 02/11/2017 17:11

I'll start by saying that DH have separate finances and it works for us. We both pay into a shared account which all household expenses come out of and leaves us with the same amount of money left over for extras (our own cars, hobbies etc).

DH and I are adopting next year and will be taking SPL. I will be taking six months at full pay and have also saved up a lot of annual leave over the years so will be off for about 10 months in total. The plan was for DH to take about 12 weeks of SPL at statutory pay, to run parallel to my leave so we are both at home together and have a better chance to bond.

I am the main earner although we both work full time. I earn about double what DH does. I also average about 7 hours a week of overtime but the opportunity to do lots more. DH rarely gets the opportunity to work overtime.

For every week of SPL my DH takes, we need £100 in savings to subsidise his statutory pay. I recently received a large performance bonus that has gone straight into savings. I've picked up a project at work which means I can get an extra 5 hours of overtime a week, which will go into savings. This means we should in theory have enough to buy all the baby bits we need as well as DH taking 12 weeks of leave.

But DH has now been asked to work 3 Sunday's between now and Christmas. He is able to have this either as overtime or as time in lieu, and he has decided to take it as time in lieu and have the Fridays off instead so he still gets two days off on those weeks. I know it's a pain only having one day off a week, but this is only for 3 non-consecutive weeks and it's pissed me off a bit that he's not taking it as overtime. The Sunday's are also only 6 hours but paid as an 8 hour day, and I work this amount of overtime every week.

I'm going to have a chat with DH tonight to see if I can persuade him to take them as overtime instead, but if not WIBU to say that I don't want my overtime and my bonus to subsidise his time off if he has the opportunity to contribute to it himself but chooses not to? I'd still be happy to subsidise 6 weeks, but I kinda feel like why should I be working my arse off for him to have 12 weeks off?

The flipside of this is that he does work hard in his job, pulls his weight with housework and childcare arrangements and is genuinely a really lovely person. Our financial situation has always been this way so we generally agree that because I'm the higher earner I pay more towards the house and pay into savings because he's not able to, his financial contribution is smaller but we are both left with equal amounts of spending money as I think that's fair.

OP posts:
TempusEejit · 02/11/2017 17:51

So you get ten months "off" and your DH only gets three? Yet you feel hard done about your DH wanting to do a 5 day week not 6? YABU

Uptheduffy · 02/11/2017 17:53

I completely agree with you OP.
You work overtime = more money for the family
He works overtime = more time off for him (and not when the new arrival has come either!)
How is that fair, I don’t care if sexes were reversed it’s not!

crisscrosscranky · 02/11/2017 17:54

YABU and IMO financially controlling but then I don’t understand desperate finances once you’re married let alone have children.

Uptheduffy · 02/11/2017 17:56

Also I don’t think you have separate finances, you share the money and have the same left over for personal expenses, how is that not shared? Confused

Lethaldrizzle · 02/11/2017 17:58

Share everything!

reallyreallyreallytired · 02/11/2017 17:59

I think you need to seriously rethink how you view your relationship and money especially now you are going to be a family!

Ilovetolurk · 02/11/2017 18:00

OP you say you're exhausted yet you're going to ask your DH to potentially make himself exhausted too

His job is not your job and if he feels he needs 2 days off a week you should respect that

Asking your partner to work 6 days a week because of your priorities is just wrong to me

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/11/2017 18:00

Neither of you is bu. You are doing all you can go get the maximum leave possible for yourself. If your dh wants to take less parental leave and more time of in lieu now, that is a choice. I do, however, understand your frustration because it does sound a bit of a no brainer. But then I’m not him doing his job.

Please get some external help to try to resolve your financial issues if you are unable to resolve them. Issues around money can be extremely toxic.

Adopting is a big step and can cause a lot of friction in a marriage. Dds friend is adopted and her parents are now divorced. The father has a new partner and there are suspicion there was an overlap. The child and sibling have suffered.

Justanothernap · 02/11/2017 18:00

Also I don't see that they do have separate finances in a lot of ways (I know that's what OP said). They put in differing amounts according to income to cover household bills, and have an equal disposable income. Unless I've got that wrong?

That's how we do it. Works for me as I can keep track of my spending more easily. Otherwise I'd probably spend more than my share. Also means I can do nice things for my husband out of my money - as opposed to spending our money on him.. if that makes sense?!

Witsender · 02/11/2017 18:03

I think he should blinking well do the overtime tbh. Why should the load fall on you?

BoneyBackJefferson · 02/11/2017 18:04

such a big red flag.

I am not convinced that you should be going forward with the adoption.

MummytoCSJH · 02/11/2017 18:05

I agree with you op, YANBU. The fact that you will have almost 10 months leave is irrelevant considering you've already stated you've saved up your annual leave for this - you're fully entitled to it. 2 weeks extra parental leave for 3 days work is well worth it. He is prioritising himself having days off over money for the family and it's not fair on you when you put more in than him.

MayCatt · 02/11/2017 18:05

YANBU. Aside from anything else, when you work overtime it goes into the joint pot for your family. When he works overtime it's essentially spent on himself so he can have a long weekend Hmm I wouldn't be thrilled either OP.

7to25 · 02/11/2017 18:08

What happens after the leave runs out? That's what worries me.

JemimaLovesHamble · 02/11/2017 18:08

You're not being mean at all. First-commentitis strikes again.

So OP can work overtime and save, but it's "mean" for her DH to do it?

I'd be wary of pooling finances. If your instinct is to earn more money when you can, and his in a low paying job is "Yay I get 3 days off!", you may run into trouble if he suddenly has access to your income too. Also be very wary if he suddenly suggests becoming a SAHP...

Ifearthecold · 02/11/2017 18:09

Separate finances will only get more problematic when your child arrives and issues such as taking time off a sick DC comes up. You can choose to work as many hours as you want but I don't think it is fair to insist your DH does, given that he is working full time. As he earns half of what you do the trade off between tiredness and money earned will not be the same for him as well as you. It might also be worth making sure that you are not worn out by the time DC arrives as that is likely to be tiring and stressful time that you will need energy to manage.

Jasminedes · 02/11/2017 18:10

I think your plan to tell him that you feel a bit cheesed off he is taking toil instead of earnings is a good one. And maybe you need to think about what you need too - maybe a chance to step back from the overtime for you in preparation for this big change in your family. Look after yourself and each other.

scottishdiem · 02/11/2017 18:12

I would look at your feelings and then sit down with your DH and communicate about finances and joint finances and how you are going to pay for raising a child.

Women post here about trying to earn a wee bit extra for things like a holiday or a spa day with friends and get told that their husbands are bad for wanting household money to be household money. This is no different.

You both need to get together to create some mutual expectations.

Original poster
PurplePipp · 02/11/2017 18:15

The way I phrased this whole thing was wrong and I apologise for that as it makes me come across awfully.

For those commenting on our financial arrangements, it's no different to us pooling our money together into a shared account and then splitting what remains between us after all expenses - the reason we can't do that is because DH has a shit credit score so we won't be able to get a mortgage if our finances are tied. We get equal spending money and that will continue after our child is here too, we will just have less spending money!

I phrased it wrong, so how about this?

DH and I have a savings target that we need to hit next year, and doing so will be equally beneficial for both of us. DH, through no fault of his own, is not able to financially contribute to this target so I have been working a lot of overtime to make sure we can hit it for the past 12 months. However, DH has now turned down the opportunity for overtime and therefore has turned down an opportunity to financially contribute to our savings goal. If he had accepted, it would have inconvenienced him for short term, but would have taken the pressure off me so I can have a bit of a rest. WIBU to re-evaluate if the savings goal is actually a priority for DH, and if it isnt, to stop doing quite so much overtime? I'm currently out of the house for 62 hours a week so am feeling a bit tired!

OP posts:
glenthebattleostrich · 02/11/2017 18:15

Separate finances can and do work. DH and I don't have a joint account, we agree who pays what and ensure we have equal access to money. I can easily log on and transfer a bit over if I need to as can he. Different set ups work for different people surprisingly!

As for the overtime, of course he should do it as paid overtime. Why is it ok for the OP to be half killing herself with extra hours?

ArcheryAnnie · 02/11/2017 18:16

....I don't think you are being mean. If you are doing overtime, and he is turning overtime down, and it's before you've adopted, then I see why it rubs a bit the wrong way.

mindutopia · 02/11/2017 18:18

I get what you're saying, but ultimately, you are going to have a shared income and shared financial responsibilities once you have a child together. It's not 'my money' and 'your money' anymore. So however you end up working it, it's for the benefit of the family rather than for each of you individually. My husband certainly will be 'subsidising' my leave next year as I only get 9 months paid. I've saved up some, though that is paying for me now to an extent (my contract on my current project ended last month but I don't go out on maternity until January, so no salary between now and then). He'll pay everything for all four of us from October of next year until I go back to work (sometime between January and April ish). That's good for all of us as me being home saves us money on nursery.

That said, I wouldn't get too caught up on this whole 'shared parental leave' thing. 12 weeks is a LONG time to be home together with a baby or small child! I know that after a month my dh was sort of ready to get back to work. It's nice to be home together while you are adjusting to the change, but you may find it's actually better to take time off separately so you both get alone time to bond as well and you don't stress the heck out of each other. That might mean it could be easier for one of you to go back to work while the other stays at home which overall takes the pressure off you feeling like you need to stress out so much now.

ZippyCameBack · 02/11/2017 18:19

Adoption is hugely stressful and you are probably just in a panic and stressing out. You want everything to be perfect and arranged exactly right, that's totally normal. But you really need to take some deep breaths and talk to your husband. Have a talk about it all and about how you are feeling generally.

Siarie · 02/11/2017 18:19

YABU, if you look at it just as over time I can see why you think you are justified but what your dh is actually doing is swapping a weekend day for a week day which I can understand wanting a break from the working week.

More so than anything I do think it’s the way you’ve written it all out that strikes me as the oddest. It does come across as mean spirited

DPotter · 02/11/2017 18:20

It could be that he can't carry over TOIL after a certain amount of time. I know at one place I work, TOIL has to be taken within 3 months, so if your dates are certain yet, he's thinking better to take the TOIL now rather than loose out.

Having said that, it doesn't sound as if you're both on the same sheet with regards maximising income prior to your SPR and adoption ans that does need sorting out.

Have you discussed and decided about childcare and how that is going to be paid for? As that can really call in to focus whether it's worth the parent earning the least continuing to work, especially if their income only just covers the childcare costs.