I'm telling him it's over today.

[bodytrappedmindnotstopped]

I’m saving me and my DC from this awful situation. Handhold please

Every step you take is a step towards freedom op. Imagine how calm your life will be once you have got though this. Imagine how peaceful and safe it will be for your dc.

When you are ready Womensaid are a great source of help and support and they understand how it feels to be in your situation.

If you want to find out more about the way he is behaving maybe think about reading 'Why Does He Do That'.

You don't have to do anything you don't want to.

@TooManyPaws Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I’m sorry this happened to you. I know I need to leave and in my head I’ve already left (that probably doesn’t make any sense!) and I do feel a bit better. I just know making the next step will be the hardest bit (whatever the next step is?!)

I’m looking forward to a calm and peaceful house and relaxing on my own company when I put the DC to bed. No doubt I will be lonely at times but I will be much less stressed which will also make me a better mum to my DC.

@rizlett Thank you I will look for the book you mentioned. I wish I could click my fingers and everything would be ‘done’. I know what I want I’m just scared of taking the next step and don’t know which way to go with this.

Thinking of you Body. You can do this. The children will be upset but they will soon settle and get used to a new life x

Is it normal to feel so up and down? One minute I’m feeling positive and know I’m making the right decision. The next I’m doubting myself. Is it me?

Yes. It's perfectly normal and even expected that you would feel just that way. BUT:

It's NOT you. It's HIM. He's manipulated your mind and your emotions, played you against yourself, with HIS up and down behaviour, to the point that even you start to doubt yourself. He's been cruel and horrible, then rapidly and/or drastically flipped to sweet and lovely, and that positively wrecks your feelings about him.

It's a fairly common tactic that abusers use - some intentionally, some unintentionally - to try to keep their victims from leaving. They grind down your self esteem, to make you doubt your own mind, while they intentionally deeply confuse you emotionally. They do something horrible that makes you feel angry or hurt or both, and then while you're still processing that anger/pain, they act so ridiculously sweet, or do something so ridiculously lovely, that it really jolts you emotionally; this changes your emotions abruptly so you cannot process them, and/or makes you wonder why you are feeling hurt and how you can ever get angry with him when he's actually quite sweet.

They constantly confuse you emotionally so that you never really understand how you're supposed to feel toward or about them, and you regularly doubt yourself and your feelings regarding them. Whether they intend to do it, or it's an unintentional side effect of their abuse, it is a very effective tactic! Because of his controlling and manipulative actions, the mistrust that you should feel toward him is actually redirected toward yourself.

I've been through a similar situation with an abusive ex myself, and once I finally realised it was over, I felt the exact same way you're feeling right now - and for the exact same reasons. I can attest that this really makes you doubt and mistrust your own mind. It's horrible.

Even if you don't keep a written log, do try to remember just what he says and does that is so horrible. Hanging up on you over nothing in front of his mum is a great example, as somebody else witnessed it as well and completely understood how horrible it was. Because he's confusing you so, and because he is intentionally trying to make you forget, or to at least downplay the severity of, his shitty actions, I think it would be a good idea to spell out to yourself exactly what a wretch he is and exactly what he does, as well as exactly how it makes you feel at the time, so that you don't forget when he tries to confuse your emotions!

If you don't do the written log specifically, I really recommend that you try to find some way to keep very clear memories of not only the horrible things he does to you, but also of the raw emotions that you feel when he does those things, before he can get to you to jolt your emotions. Maybe try some kind of memory tricks like association or mnemonics, something like that to help you remember both his actions and your immediate reactions.

You ARE making the right decision. You should NOT be treated this way, and your DC should NOT learn from him that this is how you treat the woman you love, that this behaviour is normal and acceptable. You deserve so much better, and you will even be happier alone, though it's probably very difficult to believe that right now.

You've got us all here on your side. Keep coming back to us, any time you need to, for ANYTHING. There is nothing - really love not one thing - that we would ever think is silly or not worth asking or embarrassing. We are here for you. Good luck. You can do this!!

It's completely normal to feel so up and down about this-I did but have never regretted it-my children and I are so much happier and all I feel now, looking back is huge relief. The next bit is the hardest-the actual practicalties of leaving, but take one step at a time and keep focusing on the end goal-those evenings when you can relax-I relish those moments.
Keep strong-good luck-you can do this.

Sigh, my posts always turn out soooo much longer than I intend them to!! Sorry for that massive wall of text!

But while I'm here, I should add:

No. You leave first. If after you've left, he sincerely regrets his behavior, if he sincerely wants to change, he will do so because he knows he is wrong and needs to change. For himself. Not because he's trying to 'earn his way back'. That type of forced change never lasts.

THIS! A thousand times, this! This is some of the best advice I've ever read. I know you responded to that post already, @body, but do try to remember these words and keep them in your heart and mind through this difficult and confusing time. They are the TRUTH, and understanding this will help you remember that you're absolutely doing the right thing.

Very, very well said, @AcrossThePond.

@JWrecks @Lovemysofa

Thank you. I can’t believe the kindness of complete strangers. You have all taken time out of your day to help me and I feel so grateful.

My kind is made up. I know that. I know his ‘tactics’ and I’m trying my best to not let his small acts of kindness affect my judgement. But I hat do I do next? I need to stay in the town I’m in for work and schools. I don’t have much money so can’t go somewhere temporarily. Ideally he needs to go but I think I’ll have a battle on my hands. His mumis supportive of me and would have me and DC at her house for a little bit if necessary but I don’t want to strain her relationship with her son as it’s just not fair. I don’t know what my options are and which way to go next.

Is it normal to feel so up and down? One minute I’m feeling positive and know I’m making the right decision.

Absolutely normal. Living with an abuser messes with your head and makes you doubt your own judgment.

It's absolutely the right decision. No-one should stay in a relationship where their behaviour is controlled and manipulated and where they feel afraid. And no child should grow up in an environment where someone is treated like that.

Do it for your children.

Sometimes if we are unsure of what to do next its because we haven't yet gathered enough information. Thats why you are doing a great job here asking us all the things you are thinking about. [although of course we all only offer our view]

It's ok to take time and gather more information so that you are fully prepared but its also ok to decide enough is enough and to just leave.

Is your house rented or owned and is it in both your names? Do you have any 'evidence' of his behaviour? [I think this is another reason for asking you to keep a diary of behaviour with dates etc - even though I understand this is difficult]

Remember there is no rush - unless you have had enough and womensaid might be a good place to find out more - even though it can be really scary to call because it is making the truth more real. Remember if you call them you are just gathering more info and support - not being pushed into making any decisions.

I mean they [womensaid] won't push you into making any decisions.

@rizlett I’m thinking of giving them a call. I don’t want to label him as an ‘abuser’ as I don’t see him like that at all but from what people have said in here he seems to fit the bill. To me he is just an angry man that needs help. A man that I don’t constantly want to be around anymore. His own mum said that she thinks he needs some sort of ‘help’ and that he struggles to be what a ‘good parent’ should be. She couldn’t believe that after so many years together he still texts me when I’m on a rare night out to ask if any men have ‘tried it on’ with me. I don’t want to love like it anymore.

I will keep posting here for support and advice. It’s so strange how I can open up on MN but keep so much inside in real life.

You don't want to live like that anymore.

That's a good step forward op.

That's what I love about mumsnet - that you can say anything - some will judge but those who have walked in similar shoes to yours will understand - and you are allowed to need [and accept] help.

Once I'd definitely decided to leave XH I found his "good" spells extra annoying. It proved he did know how to treat me decently, but that he chose only to do it when I was near the end of my tether. I used to buy into it because it was what I wanted to hear. Once I stopped caring it was all so transparent.

But I hat do I do next? I need to stay in the town I’m in for work and schools.

Well, believe it or not, you're in a pretty good position. You've got real world support and a few options. That's fabulous!

What you do next is just get started. You've got a little bit of work to do, but it should come all at once, and then a bit of waiting and settling. It can all go fairly quickly, and you can get a lot of things done right away. I really strongly recommend giving WomensAid a ring; I don't think they'll do any labelling of him or anyone, and as far as I know, you won't even have to give them his name.

It sounds, from where I'm sat, like you should be able to trust his mum to put you and the DC up, safely, for a bit, so that's what I would do. Unless there is something I've missed somehow indicating this would be a bad idea, I'd recommend you go with your original plan of staying with her for as long as you can manage. Hopefully she will let you stay until you can get your own housing sorted, but if not for that long, there are definitely other options apart from hotels that are just too expensive. However, I would be surprised, after what you've said of her, if she would ever let you and her DGC go stay in a shelter when she's able to house you, but be as open and honest with her as possible, and ask her up front how long she will be able to keep you. See if she's willing to work out some kind of rent, or a chores rota, or anything at all that you can do to make taking you in easier for her.

As soon as you get safely set up at MIL's, you'll need to spend a couple hours on the phone. Ring WomensAid first, as they can help you, at least give you solid advice, with just about everything, all in one place. Ask them about a solicitor to talk about dealing with your exP. You can ask them for any advice on speaking to your local council about housing and tax credits and getting things moving quickly in your situation, so that you can get the ball rolling on getting your own place in your current area and get out of MIL's place quickly. Also get information from them about temporary/emergency housing, just in case you end up needing it, even though it sounds like you shouldn't - just be prepared. There is temporary emergency housing that is quite comfortable, available to women and children in your situation. Honestly, ask WA about everything you can think of, even if you've got information and advice from us here, even if you think it may be silly. They are seasoned professionals when it comes to this!

You'll want to speak to the solicitor - and I would really recommend somebody referred from WA as they will have dealt with situations like yours regularly and know all the ropes - as soon as possible, to get started working out laws and requirements regarding maintenance, contact, etc. They may also have some advice or information for you regarding housing and credits as well, so you should at least ask their opinion on that, too. You will be able to get your own place on your wages, whatever they are, particularly as you have DC to whom you will be primary carer.

After you speak to the solicitor, ring up to inquire about housing in your current area as soon as possible, armed with any advice or info you could get from solicitor or WA. As you don't want to stay with MIL for too long, and going to stay with your mum would just be too far for a long term solution, iirc, you'll want to get housing questions answered as quickly as you possibly can.

Speak with your own mum as soon as you can as well, let her know what's going on, and make backup plans to stay with her in case you ever need it. You may also want to make arrangements to spend weekends with her, in case you need a break from MIL, want to give her a break, or if you just want to see your mum! It may be a good idea to just ask her to have a look around for any jobs in her area, juuuust in case MIL's falls through or you don't feel you should stay with her any longer, or whatever, and you end up really needing to go out to your mum's.

Let your employer know the details, like you're moving to MIL's on X date, you're staying locally and will be working as normal, however it's possible that exP could become a problem, and if that happens you may need to make some arrangements for time off work or make up time, or something. Keep your boss in the loop with only as much info as they need, and feel out (or even ask outright) if they're able to be supportive and flexible for you, or if you'll struggle with them.

I know this all looks like a lot of work, and it probably seems overwhelming, but it's really not much when you boil it down. There is a lot of detail above, but the long and short of it actually isn't much more than this:

• Speak to MIL and prepare to stay with her for a while.
• Ring WomensAid re advice and solicitor.
• Ring solicitor re housing, tax credits, maintenance, contact.
• Ring council re housing
• Have a back up plan to stay with your mum if MIL allows exP too much.
• Tell your employer the details and possible problems as soon as possible. Ask if they can be flexible temporarily to help you through this.

The majority of it is just talking and spending time on the phone! It may look like a lot of work, and some bits may be a little time consuming, but none of it is difficult work.

You've already done the hardest part: recognising that you're in an unhealthy relationship and deciding it's time to move on. The confusion and emotional turmoil you're dealing with right now will be, by far, the most difficult thing to endure. But you can do it!

I find it very hard to put myself first, and I have endured a lot of really shit situations for far too long because I've been too timid, or just unwilling, to stand up for myself. However, there is nothing in the world that could stop me from taking a stand for my DC! So if you're at all like me and you have difficulty in taking these steps for yourself, in making your stand for yourself, then try to remind yourself that this is for your children even more than it is for yourself. Getting them out is better for them in general, but it will also make you better for them as well. When you're happier and less stressed, when you're not being controlled and manipulated and mistreated by your exP, you will be a better, more emotionally available, more empathetic, more patient mum for your lovely children. When you're free of being abused, and your DC are no longer witnessing and learning abusive behaviour from exP, you will ALL be better off for it. So try to think of this as more for your DC than for yourself.

And there I've gone again making another utterly massive post! Ack I'm sorry! But I do hope that it is at least valuable information/advice, love. I do hope this is helpful to you in some way.

I wish you the best of luck! And remember, we are all here for you. Loads of us have been through exactly what you're going through, so we understand just how hard this time is, and we can be here for anything - for help and advice, and even if you just want to cry and get angry and throw things. We'll hold your hand and make you a cuppa and give you a shoulder to cry on and talk you through it!

Excellent post and list by @JWrecks

I'd put at the top of the list: finances. Gather as many financial papers (or copy them) to take with you. If you can, get or know his income/assets/pension. Know how much it takes to run the house. A solicitor will want that info.

And be prepared that once you have gone that he will be uncooperative in all things.

If you don't have or can't get this information, leave anyway. It's not make or break. Your and the DC's happiness is paramount.

OMG YES! How could I have forgotten! YES, FINANCES!! Thank you @AcrossThePond!! That may be the most important thing!

@body, do what you can of making copies or taking photos of all financial documents while he's out, of course. I wouldn't recommend ringing anybody while he is home, even if you think he can't hear you, and the same definitely goes for gathering financial info. Try to do everything without alerting him to your plans (as he could get dangerous if he discovers them) and go on as though everything is normal as much as you can.

And please understand, as sooo many of us did not/do not in your situation: his finances are your finances too!! You have EVERY RIGHT to see and know the full household income and expenditures, even regarding accounts that are solely in his name. All monies are FAMILY monies! Do not be afraid to see and record that information, and do not feel as though you are 'snooping' or 'stealing' because you are absolutely not.

That works both ways, though, so don't try to hide any assets or accounts from him, either.

OP I would also ask to speak to your DCs school - at least to the individual form teachers if you can get the time off work to do it. Just to explain what will be happening so they can understand if your DCs behave oddly/need help coping for a while. Also new contact numbers if neccessary. That would be nearer the time to when you make the move.

Thanks so much again for everyone’s practical advice. Feel strong this evening. Iv come home from m work to his displaying complete and utter ‘dickish’ behaviour. Little does h know he’s making this easier for me. I already anticipate I will probably get the ‘cute’ texts tomorrow. He’s asked me what’s wrong? I told him ‘Nothing. I’m fine.’ And replied ‘You’re clearly looking for an argument. If that’s what you want I’ll give you one of them when the kids are in bed.’ He said that in front of my DC. He just doesn’t think of the impact of his words. My DC (eldest in particular) will now probably go to bed worried that we will have a row. He’s so fucking stupid. Little does he know his behaviour is making my decision a lot easier.

Sorry just noticed all the typos. I’m rushing!

Wow what a knob he's not helping the situation at all.

This is just proof that your children will be fine when you leave. They'll probably actually be relieved. Not to say there won't be a bit of a shake up, but they'll soon realize that they love the peace, too.

As far as him asking you 'what's wrong', for some reason these dicks seem to have a 'sixth sense' about their wives victims getting to the end of their tethers. So don't be surprised if you get more 'what's wrong' type questions. Now's the time for a headache, bad tummy, bad day at work, constipation, anything that might explain you being 'off'. And I know it's hard, but if you do notice this, it's time to step up your timetable.

Hi, teacher here. Please keep your DCs school informed, even if it's just to say that you've had to leave the family home for X weeks. Local schools often have to. Take emergency placements anyway.

@AcrossthePond55

Yep...absolute dick. He then followed this up with making me a cup of tea and bring it to me in the bath ‘Enjoy babe’ and then 10 minutes later telling me how much of an effort he’s made to be happy tonight and I don’t even care. In his words ‘How do you expect me to be happy when you’re miserable?’ He has no idea! I told him that just because he’s chosen to be ‘happy’ today I don’t have to praise him for it and go along with his stupid game. He walked away when I said that and went to bed. I actually feel sorry for him. His head must be in more of a state than mine. I honestly don’t think he knows who the ‘real’ him is.

@sadiemm2 Thank you. At the moment all I’ve done is made the decision in my head but when I start to make practical changes I will definitely be speaking to DCs teachers.