I'm telling him it's over today.

[bodytrappedmindnotstopped]

I’m saving me and my DC from this awful situation. Handhold please

Thanks again everyone. I’m going to work in a bit to tell them the situation. I feel like if I don’t tell people in real life then it won’t happen and I know it NEEDS to happen. I don’t understand him at all. He’s just text me as normal saying that he hopes I have a good day. What is he playing at? It feels like a bit of weight has been lifted already just because in my mind I’m making moves. I’m going to feel like I can breath again when all of this is done but I know I’ve got so far to go yet. My priority is my boys and I need to stay focussed and NOT end up feeling sorry for him like I always do. He’s got serious issues which need addressing and all the while me and DC are taking the brunt of it.

@lanbro It’s good to hear from someone who’s done what I want to do. How are you feeling now? Do you have DC?

Walking to work and so glad I didn’t stay at home moping around.

Re what he is playing at: stupid mind games and control is what that's about. Ignore and carry on regardless.

Now just had a text saying ‘I love you xxx’

He knows something's changed. Don't let him hoover you back in. Even if he starts being Mr Perfect, remember that's not the real him.

You do need to get out sooner rather than later though because of the effect on your children.

This s classic abuser behaviour, just leave OP. Don't even tell him, just go

Do it for your children of not yourself

Good luck OP, you can do this and make you and your DC happy

Is it normal to feel so up and down? One minute I’m feeling positive and know I’m making the right decision. The next I’m doubting myself. Is it me? Should I just accept that ‘this is how he is’ and just try and carry on? Do I tell him to go to stress/anger management first to see if he can change? Or do I just give up and tell him I’ve had enough? I didn’t think I’d be doubting my mind so soon

It's a huge life adjustment so I don't think there's any such thing as 'normal' OP. You're doing the best thing for yourself and your children and that's all that matters

It’s natural to feel like this.

You will mourn the life you envisioned for yourself with him.

Nobody can tell you to leave or stay it has to be your decision.

He sounds really awful. His screaming and shouting will affect the DC. They’ll grow up thinking this is a normal relationship.

Just keep telling yourself you have to go for the children's sake. Do it for them. Tell yourself:

He is not a good father.
He is damaging them.
They need to get away from him.

Good luck OP

Is it normal to feel so up and down? One minute I’m feeling positive and know I’m making the right decision. The next I’m doubting myself.

It's 1000% normal. We cling to what we know, even if it's bad. We fear what we do not know even if it's the right thing to do.

Is it me?

No, it's not you, it's HIM.

Should I just accept that ‘this is how he is’ and just try and carry on?

I think you know the answer, love. No one should ever accept less than being treated with kindness and respect. No one should ever live in a home where their children are frightening and bullied. And it's not 'just how he is'. This is how he chooses to behave. Huge difference.

Do I tell him to go to stress/anger management first to see if he can change?

No. You leave first. If after you've left, he sincerely regrets his behavior, if he sincerely wants to change, he will do so because he knows he is wrong and needs to change. For himself. Not because he's trying to 'earn his way back'. That type of forced change never lasts.

Or do I just give up and tell him I’ve had enough?

Telling him you've had enough is not giving up. You are making a deliberate choice to have a better life. That's the opposite of 'giving up'. That's stepping up bravely and taking control.

And let the school know?

Keep your log of events - even when they seem loving gestures. When you doubt, look at the log and you'll see the pattern.

@AcrossthePond55 Thank you. I really needed to read that. I will read it over and over again. I know I’m doing the right thing. I’m just so scared of the unknown like you said. I’m scared that I will be lonely, I’m scared I won’t manage financially, I’m scared that the DC will miss him and will be mad with me, I’m scared that I will lose contact with his family who are the only people I’ve been close to in 10 years. Just completely and utterly petrified. I need to show my DC that this isn’t an acceptable way behave and also it doesn’t have to be tolerated. I just hope they know I’m doing it all for them.

But you're scared now. Scared of making him angry, scared of the DC doing the wrong thing and making him angry. So all that will change is what you're scared of.

But most of the 'new things you're scared of' will be things that you can do something about. Letting his family know you care and want to be in touch. Applying for benefits, child maintenance, a job (if it's feasible). And yes, it's possible that the children may be upset, but that can be dealt with and is usually short-lived once they realize how peaceful and calm their new home is.

As far as being 'lonely', well, I'd rather be alone than wishing I was! And to be honest, aren't you a bit 'lonely' now? Once you break away you will be free to form new friendships, reconnect with old ones. And you'll be amazed at how wonderful it is to sit down in your own home, alone, peaceful, calm, listening to the quiet and know that he and his anger and horrible words are locked on the outside and you no longer have to let him (or them) in!

I hesitated to mention this in light of your upset at your mother's words, but I found it very helpful to write down some of my ex's most egregious behaviours and words on a piece of paper. Then I folded that piece of paper in to a small square and tucked in in a pocket, a purse, a sock. It was always nearby. When I felt myself 'weakening' I touched that piece of paper and I got strong again. I didn't have to read the words. It was just a tangible reminder that I had done the right thing.

I feel like I might actually throw up at any moment. The realisation that I’m doing this has hit me.

@AcrossthePond55 Thank you so much for your wise words x

You're quite welcome, my dear.

You aren't truly alone. The countless thousands of us who have been where you are and come through the other side are standing right behind you.

Hope you are ok op. 💐Have you posted before about this which led up to this post? Anyone got link?

This bit is so hard, the hardest bit of the whole process actually.

Try and take comfort from knowing that although it’s so horrible, you’re doing the worst bit right now, and you are surviving.

I've just found your thread and want to say that you need to protect your children. I grew up with a father with a hair trigger temper who shouted at us all the time and, still, in my 50s, it has affected me so deeply that I have just been referred to psychology yet again. Don't let him do this to your children - protect them from him and uncertainty of living with this type of abuse.

Congratulations!! Good luck with the future, you will get through this initial shock of change

Please block his number or do your best to ignore his recent ‘cute’ texts. It’s another faucet of controlling behaviour. Don’t let him get into your head

Please, please ignore him if he tries to act loving, caring and kind now....you KNOW that’s not the real him, you this behaviour won’t last and you know the reality of his temper

If you haven’t left him yet, could you ask your mother/his mother or someone else you trust for moral support, & to help you get your stuff and calm down the situation? Might make it easier to take the step