Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If there's not enough food for everyone you don't choose favourites?

391 replies

apintofmilk · 29/10/2017 19:03

I may well be being unreasonable. But I'm due a period and grumpy and hormonal. Oh and dieting.
So we went to my mums for roast dinner tonight. She knows I'm on a diet and I've been really good all week so I can enjoy a naughty home cooked roast which I've said numerous times.
Anyway we all sat down and my mum said "this ones apintofmilk's". I thought nothing of it until the end of the meal when I see my husband, sister and her husband all appear to have stuffing balls AND Yorkshire puddings on their plate and the other 3 adults (my mum dad and me) and 2 kids (too little to have stuffing to be honest) do not.
So I got a bit pissy and asked why and was told that there wasn't enough for everyone so they weren't bothered re not having any and they decided out of everyone else that I should go without. I said "well did you not think of halving Yorkshire puddings, or giving one person stuffing and one yorkshires" and they just answered "no".
I went mad. I just feel like I'm constantly bottom of the pile and was fucking annoyed they thought I should be the one to go without (not to drip feed my sister is also on a diet as we go together so nothing to do with me dieting).
Surely if you don't have enough food for all your guests then everyone should go without and they could have had the stuffing balls and yorkshires mid week on their own.
Also fuming that they tried to hide it from me and didn't explain at the start, they just tried to be sneaky and hoped I didn't notice.
Please tell me I'm not being unreasonable. I know how lucky I am that I even have a family that invite us to dinner etc etc. But tonight really fucking annoyed me.

OP posts:
Wetwashing00 · 29/10/2017 21:21

My serious advice is to address the real problem here, and that your feelings of being treated different to everyone else. Just be honest that the dinner issue pissed you off more than it should because it brings up the more hurtful feelings of not being worthy.
If it’s always been an issue and you’ve always kicked off I doubt they will really listen to what you say. It seems like it will just be laughed at as that time ‘apintofmilk’ threw a strop over a stuffing ball and Yorkie.

user789653241 · 29/10/2017 21:22

I just wonder why your mum couldn't make everything slightly smaller but enough number of each to serve everyone. Very odd.
It's not very nice to serve someone something and exclude others without asking.

Scabbersley · 29/10/2017 21:22

How childish. If your parents make you feel this bad I suggest you don't see them.

Or learn to be more assertive and stop having tantrums over who got more roast potatoes than you Hmm

Scabbersley · 29/10/2017 21:23

How childish. If your parents make you feel this bad I suggest you don't see them.

Or learn to be more assertive and stop having tantrums over who got more roast potatoes than you Hmm

Wightintheghoulies · 29/10/2017 21:24

The OP was perfectly justified in standing up for herself. And that is a good lesson to teach children.

It's completely countered by the fact that the op admits herself that she basically has a short fuse and only sees things in 'black and white'. Snapping after years is just about understandable, but reads to me like the op has always jumped down people's throats. I agree with another poster, her family probably walk on eggshells around her, not a nice thing to put up with. If they had put things on her plate that 'went against her diet', they probably didn't want to get it in the neck for that either, a no win situation when around someone with a short fuse.

As for the her attitude towards food, that is all sorts of unhealthy and definitely not passing on great ideals to her children.

Original poster
apintofmilk · 29/10/2017 21:26

I've been addressing it for the best part of 30 years. I just get told I'm being ridiculous when I try to talk seriously about it. I think because I've been treated so unfairly forever that is why I'm so anal about fairness and equality now.
All they do is brush it under the carpet or pretend it never happened.
My mum has genuinely never ever said sorry to me for anything in my entire life.
She'll just avoid me for a few weeks now and then rock up like nothing's happened and refuse to discuss it, or will just call me pathetic and minimise what has happened making me doubt myself if I do try to discuss it.

OP posts:
TinklyLittleLaugh · 29/10/2017 21:27

I totally get you apint. My lot are reasonable individually, but get them together and they are goady fuckers. And they definitely pick on me. I just see less of them nowadays.

GlitterNails · 29/10/2017 21:29

Well I think your family were bloody horrible, and completely understand your reaction. It's not about a Yorkshire pudding, it's about being treated as lesser than your sibling. It's also likely not the first time, so it just feels really shit.

Also as someone who has lost 5 stone on Slimming World, you are allowed treats and you can definitely be good all week then having something you're wanting, not that it's the point of the thread.

I also understand you being livid with your husband - he's the person that should have your back, not join in on awful behaviour.

I would be very hurt if I was always the person to get a shit deal - whether talking little things or big things.

Just as an example whenever my mum dishes food up - she always gives me the best 'bit' and me vice versa when dishing up for her. That's love.

Fishface77 · 29/10/2017 21:32

It sounds like this is the culmination of many things op.
Is your dsis the gc?
Yes you over reacted but if you know what they are like why go?

Whinesalot · 29/10/2017 21:33

I can't imagine not ever saying sorry to my kids. Try counseling op. It may give you the strength to go nc if that is necessary for your mental health or hopefully it will give you the tools to detach and deal with the consequences of growing up in your dysfunctional family. Perhaps it may give you the tools to demand change.

Time to change the pattern of the last 30 years. It may help your relationship with your dp too, which probably isn't that healthy given that you were brought up the way you were.

C8H10N4O2 · 29/10/2017 21:33

It's not a good lesson to teach children...

...that its perfectly fine to treat one person less well than the others to leave one person out. That when treated less well that person is also in the wrong if they complain. That is ok to snigger and 'banter' about that person when they are unhappy.

Yes great lesson for the children - if treated unfairly or left out just bite your lip, doff your cap and say 'thanks ma'am'. Just want I wanted my children to learn. Not.

OP I think some of the responses here are ridiculous. I have no idea on what planet its considered appropriate to randomly miss out one guest when sharing out the popular items.

Yes ideally you wouldn't have let them get the rise out of you but if this is the normal pattern then I can see why it bugs you.

Rachie1973 · 29/10/2017 21:34

apintofmilk If anyone is likely to kick off between me and my sister then it's me. I'm quite firey and temperamental so god knows why they constantly do things they know will upset me

Erm.... you expect people to adjust their behaviour to suit you?

Whinesalot · 29/10/2017 21:37

OP I think some of the responses here are ridiculous. I have no idea on what planet its considered appropriate to randomly miss out one guest when sharing out the popular items.

This is what I can't get my head around. And so many.

C8H10N4O2 · 29/10/2017 21:40

Erm.... you expect people to adjust their behaviour to suit you?

Adjust their behaviour to eg treat her as they treat their other guest and child?

Seems like an entirely reasonable ask to me.

ElizabethDarcey · 29/10/2017 21:41

You sound like a big baby. You were rude. I hope your poor mother doesn't bother cooking for you for ages.

I think (as a bigger lady myself) I would also be humiliated to kick off about not getting enough food as I'd think it looked really undignified. What was stopping you having a bit of stuffing and a yorkie when you got home with a little bit of of gravy?

Is your sister smaller than you, OP? I think if I'd watched my children struggle with weight I would find it very hard to put yorkshire puddings on their plates when they were supposedly on yet another diet.

Original poster
apintofmilk · 29/10/2017 21:42

I've already said I'm a large size 12. Would hardly call that huge. I have 9lb to lose and my sister just under a stone.
The weight is irrelevant. The treating 2 kids entirely different is relevant.

OP posts:
MadMags · 29/10/2017 21:43

I still maintain that there are ways of being assertive that don't involve being aggressive.

I hope I never treat my dc unfairly. And I hope I never teach them that kicking off at people constantly is the way to deal with things.

haveagobletofblood · 29/10/2017 21:43

Perhaps your mum thinks you need more support with your diet than your sister. Given how you acted today i would guess you have serious food issues and she's right to think that way.

Whinesalot · 29/10/2017 21:46

And another ridiculous example.

What was stopping you having a bit of stuffing and a yorkie when you got home with a little bit of of gravy?

Well nothing at all but that's not the point. Why on earth should she? It wasn't the food itself. Her sister and the other guests got two extras but she didn't for no reason other than that is the norm. That she gets unfair treatment all the fucking time.
I never normally swear on here but I'm getting irrationally angry on the ops behalf.

Therealjudgejudy · 29/10/2017 21:46

Please don't go to your parents for Christmas dinner OP. That is allGrin

Insomnibrat · 29/10/2017 21:47

I think there are big issues around food which are being passed onto the children here.

I'd watch that.

flyingpigsinclover · 29/10/2017 21:47

Well, in that situation the hosts should go without, really, so I'm on your side.

The hosts did go without. So did the OP. Yes, it would have been good to have a yorkshire pudding and roast potatoes but you aren't at primary school now - you don't need to throw your toys out of the pram.

Here, have a Biscuit to make up for the food you missed earlier.

C8H10N4O2 · 29/10/2017 21:47

Is your sister smaller than you, OP? I think if I'd watched my children struggle with weight I would find it very hard to put yorkshire puddings on their plates when they were supposedly on yet another diet.

OP has already said her sister is also on a diet and is more overweight than she is. More than once.

Perhaps you are projecting your own issues?

Wightintheghoulies · 29/10/2017 21:48

Yes great lesson for the children - if treated unfairly or left out just bite your lip, doff your cap and say 'thanks ma'am'. Just want I wanted my children to learn. Not.

From what I gather, the children are under the age of three. They wouldn't get the complexity that their mum is angry over alleged years of mistreatment. All they see is an adult throwing a wobbly because they don't have stuffing and a yorkie on their plate. Considering how they already think it's ok to leave healthy food because they get 'extras' of nice things off mum's plate, all the children seem to be getting a life lesson in here is how to carry on having a bad attitude towards food. Adults might understand there's more going on, kids general don't. That's why mature people find better ways of dealing with repressed anger than to childishly flounce over a roast.

NameChangeFamousFolk · 29/10/2017 21:48

OP, you do say a few things that make me think that the various sides might have a very different take on the whole family dynamic.

I also think that the value in showing your children that you won't be 'walked over' is completely negated by setting an example of losing your shit when you perceive it's happening.

Standing up for yourself shouldn't equate to losing your temper, basically.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.