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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be unhappy that this story about me has emerged

184 replies

Inkandbone · 27/10/2017 22:37

Quite a while ago now, I did something wrong (nothing criminal) and because it was conceded the circumstances had been difficult I sort of got off quite lightly. No more was really said about it.

Until now when someone I knew then has told some people I know now.

It's not very rational,but I'm embarrassed and upset.

I guess typing it makes me realise there's nothing much I can do, but aibu for feeling this way?

OP posts:
youarenotkiddingme · 28/10/2017 12:23

You had a fight at school?

Let it go! I mean it nicely by the fact you are still embarrassed all these years later shows that actually you are a nice person who made a mistake. Lots of children make mistakes.

If anyone says anything about hearing you had a fight at school the "cunt deserved it" Grin reply would be numerous or you could just say "blimey! That was years ago"

LeakyLittleBoat · 28/10/2017 12:54

Acknowledge, dismiss, change the subject if anyone raises it with you. It's honestly not worth getting het up about. It's done, get over it. Just say: "Yeah, not my finest moment as a teen but everyone lived through it and the world kept spinning. Hardly front page news even then. By the way, how's your brother doing in his new job/new kitchen coming along?"

LaconicIcon · 28/10/2017 12:55

I've done a lot to be embarrassed about in my life. If anyone says they've heard something I just say, "oh its probably true, or it might not be because I start rumours about myself to make me seem more interesting". It honestly never goes any further than that, without shame the gossip about something trivial isn't worth knowing is it.

MargaretTwatyer · 28/10/2017 13:01

*Bubble, the OP asked if she WBUV unreasonable but in the initial post gave literally no information so it was absolutely impossible to say whether or not she WBU. She has gradually given more info but we've needed to ask a lot of questions to get it. And yes, stuff like was it part of a campaign of bullying or if the other girl was injured are very relevant to the OPs question. How she deals with this very much depends on the level of culpability and how serious it was

As someone said above, fights are part and parcel of school days so instant expulsion seems like it must have been a pretty serious incident (although the OP has avoided answering what sort of injuries the other girl was left with. And it does seem now like the OP attacked the other girl.

I think the OP is potentially being given really shit advice. If the other girl was quite badly injured and remains resentful that the OP wasn't prosecuted (as she says there was a feeling she 'got off lightly') the advice she's being given is probably the absolute worst she could get.

If there are people who are still shocked by her actions and if they had a lasting impact for the other girl involved or she was badly injured, then the OP breezily insisting it was years ago, it doesn't matter anymore, is all trivial and they're just nasty gossips is going to make them think she's a callous cunt who hasn't changed, doesn't have any insight into what happened and is to be avoided.

What the OP has actually said on here that she feels about the incident anyway is a far, far better way of truthfully dealing with it. It she fronts this mother up and says it's a huge regret of hers, she's very ashamed of it, it happened under difficult circumstances and doesn't reflect who she is now - the other mother is going to look much more favourably on her as acknowledging what happened, knowing it was wrong and regretting it.

I think it's a terrible habit of posters on here who are in such a headlong rush to tell a poster that they're in the right because they think it's nice or kind. But they don't consider that they might actually be telling the poster to do something incredibly destructive if they're not actually 100% in the right. And I think this may well be one of those occasions when the OP would cause even bigger problems for herself if she takes the advice of giving the appearance she did nothing wrong and doesn't care.

AdiosPieceOfToast · 28/10/2017 13:03

Her talking about it now says more about her now, than you then.

MiddleClassProblem · 28/10/2017 13:12

You’re not the same person you were when you were at school.

We all make mistakes, we all learn from them. I think it’s more about you confronting your past and realising that I’m somewhat it has change who you are today. Maybe if that hadn’t happened you would still have a fiery side that you now control due to how you feel about that incident.

I think you need to own it. Yup, what you did was wrong but you learnt from it. If people know, they know. For all you know they shoplifted at school, flooded the toilets or were having sex underage etc.

ShimmeringBollox · 28/10/2017 13:14

Tbh, I would judge the gossiper more than you.
If I was one of the fellow parents at nursery I would wonder why on earth he / she had mentioned it.

clippityclock · 28/10/2017 13:20

I thought it was going to be something really bad. I wouldn't worry about that. If someone said anything about someone else like that I'd think they were being the idiot and a gossip and I'd want to stay away from them not the person they are talking about.

whatsavings · 28/10/2017 13:34

You were bullied at school, the bully goaded you, so you hit her.
You weren't supported at your old school, so you left to go to 6th form elsewhere (where you were probably safer).

The End.

juniorcakeoff · 28/10/2017 13:40

Those of you who think the OP should be ashamed, have you really not done anything that has hurt someone in the past, especially when under 18?

Previous posters have it right, some people thrive on making others feel ashamed or embarrassed. I have a lovely friend who enjoys bringing out the stories from my teenage past when meeting my new friends. My advice is to own it - you tell the story how you want it told, and laugh it off / use it to show how you've changed. In my case it is easy as I am a boring bastard now so its obvious I am not like that anymore.

chirpyburbycheapsheep · 28/10/2017 13:45

I think it feels so bad because that is the type of person you are. Which means it feels much worse than it is.

This. I think I am a bit like you - I get mortified very easily. Please don't worry. If anything the fact that you care so much and feel shame is proof that you're a good person. Just laugh it off.

Also to the pp saying it must have been serious to get expelled, not necessarily. It depends on what school you go to. I went to a couple of very uptight schools (one secondary and one catholic 6th form). Minor things could land you in trouble. And anyway the op has explained that she wasn't exactly expelled.

for you op Flowers

ilovegin112 · 28/10/2017 13:48

it depends how serious it was, I don't think its just been a slight scrap like some people are suggesting say she's fractured the other girls (bully )skull would you say she should own it,

Bluntness100 · 28/10/2017 14:00

I also think all this it doesn’t matter it was just a scrap could be premature, maybe it’s not, but there is not enough info.

In my experience people are not asked to leave school immediately over a scrap and the op stops short of saying this girl actually bullied her, but it seems the girl goaded her with some comments and the op attacked and to such an extent she was asked to leave school immeditaly and only to return for her exams.

I don’t know, if this was your kid, or you, and you were seriously hurt by someone, I doubt you’d be so forgiving. The op is not saying the school over reacted, in fact the opposite, she’s saying she got off lightly for what she did. In addition years later it appears someone at the school still recalls it and has talked about it. It’s also something the op is ashamed about.

For me, I’d reserve judgement till I know the extent of this and not simply assume it was a scrap.and the op is a lovely person who did nothing wrong.

MargaretTwatyer · 28/10/2017 14:03

I don't think anybody has said she should feel ashamed. But the OP has said she does feel ashamed and embarrassed about it.

And possibly she's right to feel that way. If the other girl was quite badly injured then there would have to be something quite wrong with you not to regret it and be ashamed of it. If she gives the impression that it's not something she regrets she'll make herself look awful to the other person who'll just think she's callous.

And people are misrepresenting the thing about 'not exactly' expelled. The OP quite clearly said that they would have expelled and she only avoided it because they were so close to the end.

So if she says she 'wasn't supported and left to go elsewhere' to someone who clearly knows the story, not only are they going to think she's not a nice person who doesn't take responsibility, they'll think she's a liar to boot.

As I said, awful advice. The OP sounds like a decent person who did something wrong and regrets it. Her own instincts on this incident seem to be way more appropriate than than a lot of the advice she's being given here. If she's honest about what happened and how she feels about it she'll come across well and be able to overcome it.

I think if she took a lot of the advice on here and laughed it off as nothing and lies saying it was her choice to leave because the school were at fault, she would come across as a total bitch and dishonest and ostracise herself from other mothers. It's just rotten, rotten advice. Meant to make the OP feel better short term while she's on the net but will make things much worse for her IRL.

AlexanderHamilton · 28/10/2017 14:04

I've had the other side of this. Ds goes to a drama group. The leaders are great & such a positive influence on the kids.

At a wedding I attended recently it appeared that I had several acquaintances in common with another guest. He delighted in telling me all about the chequered past of the drama leader. How as a 'Christian' he had forgiven but will never forget etc. How the drama leader lied & was involved in shady stuff

I thought about it, thought about the PE son I knew know (who has recently completed a degree as a mature student & who is a mentor for disaffected kids in a local school) & thought you know what, I don't care what he did when he was 16. So I never mentioned it.

OP, just do as others have said, shrug it off, no big deal.

CakesRUs · 28/10/2017 14:08

You were younger then (as it was a long time ago) and, as you feel embarrassed about it, you have obviously grown up. Regardless of what you say to anyone, that’s good for you to know yourself.

Bluntness100 · 28/10/2017 14:11

OP, just do as others have said, shrug it off, no big deal

Right, and if as an example, it was your son she had seriously hurt and maybe hospitalised would you be saying it’s no big deal ? What about If it was you, not your son she attacked and maybe hospitalised, would you be saying no big deal, shrug it off? Whilst rhe memorty of the attack stays with you forever?

You, like us, have no idea the severity of this incident or the impact on the other child. Saying it’s no big deal isn’t very nice. When it could have been, it could have been a very big deal indeed or it may not have been, the point is you don’t know. All you know was another child was attacked and to such an extreme she was asked to leave immediately and not to return.

MarthasHarbour · 28/10/2017 14:14

'Oh she has always been such a gossip. There are two sides to every story you know'.

Look them in the eye and say that. Don't engage any further. You don't owe anyone (including MN) an explanation.

Original poster
Inkandbone · 28/10/2017 14:20

Bluntness & others what do you actually want me to do? Genuinely.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 28/10/2017 14:21

Honestly, if someone came up to me and whispered "You know that inkandbone? Well, let me tell you something! She got into a fight at school when she was a teenager!!!! Can you believe that!! OMG, I was so shocked!!" I'd probably burst out laughing at the absurdity of someone thinking that was juicy gossip.

Shakey15000 · 28/10/2017 14:24

There’s nothing you can do to change the past, and that’s where it belongs. You’re obviously remorseful and (one would hope!) a different person now.

Ignore and ignore further. I question the motives of the person who felt it necessary to gossip.

usernameinfinito · 28/10/2017 14:26

Ignore it OP. Everyone fucks up. It's all in the past now.

MargaretTwatyer · 28/10/2017 14:27

Ink, I really think you should be honest and describe your feelings about the incident to this mother just as you have done here.

You've come across quite well to me. You seem to have a bit of insight into the situation, you regret it, you're embarrassed about it. It happened in difficult circumstances but you take responsibility for it. You don't think it reflects who you are today. Honestly, I think you should deal with it with this mother just as you have done on here. Because to me, the way you feel is appropriate and shows you're a decent person who made a mistake. Trust your own instincts on this.

Bluntness100 · 28/10/2017 14:43

Op, as I already said,, simply accept it and move on, you can’t change the past. We all have things we are ashamed of.

My comments were part of the discussion with other posters saying it was no big deal etc. My point was it may well have been and likely was and as you had not, as is your right, explained, then they can’t presume this was nothing more than a simple scrap..

Original poster
Inkandbone · 28/10/2017 14:46

Incidentally there was no permanent damage to either party.

OP posts: