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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be unhappy that this story about me has emerged

184 replies

Inkandbone · 27/10/2017 22:37

Quite a while ago now, I did something wrong (nothing criminal) and because it was conceded the circumstances had been difficult I sort of got off quite lightly. No more was really said about it.

Until now when someone I knew then has told some people I know now.

It's not very rational,but I'm embarrassed and upset.

I guess typing it makes me realise there's nothing much I can do, but aibu for feeling this way?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 28/10/2017 10:49

Op, basically you were expelled? I wonder if you are underplaying this too. Put on immediate study leave and not welcome back is pretty much explosion. It must have been pretty serious at the time. If you were basically expelled and you think you got off lightly, then that’s saying something.

Were you bullying someone? Another girl? Did she get hurt? If this woman remembers it all these years later and is talking about it, I suspect there is more to this than you got into a bit of a fight.

coldcanary · 28/10/2017 10:49

One fight in school isn’t exactly a scandal and I certainly wouldn’t be reluctant to leave my kids unsupervised with you if I knew you!
DH laid a particularly nasty kid on his arse while still at school - it happens, he’s constantly left unsupervised with our own kids and other peoples without an issue. Smile
Unless you’re regularly spotted fighting outside the local pub on a Friday night I would be practicing phrases like ‘if that’s all you’ve got on me then I’ve obviously got quite a boring life!’

Bluntness100 · 28/10/2017 10:50

Don't worry at all! Everyone's done stuff like that

You were also told to leave school immediately and not to come back? BS has everyone done what ever she’s done.

Bubblebubblepop · 28/10/2017 10:51

Saying you can't come back for sixth form isn't expelling is it? It's quite common if the school don't want to deal with the pupil or don't think they're Clever enough.

Or should we know spend our lives in penance for our poor behaviour at school? The point of school is learning

Bluntness100 · 28/10/2017 10:53

Saying you can't come back for sixth form isn't expelling is it

For me if you have a place at sixth form and the school with draws it and you’re told to leave immediately on study leave then yes this is the equivalent to expulsion to me.

Original poster
Inkandbone · 28/10/2017 10:57

To be honest, I was expelled in a way, which is why its so mortifying.

I wasn't a bully, though. I think if anything the girl concerned was bullying me a bit, although it doesnt really excuse my reaction but she said a few things that made me very angry and I lost it.

I wasn't technically expelled but only because it was so close to us leaving anyway. And I was going elsewhere for sixth form but was told I was no longer welcome to return. I really liked and respected the headteacher and am still upset by that last conversation I had with her.

OP posts:
Rudgie47 · 28/10/2017 10:57

I wouldnt worry OP, a lot of people have done miles worse than that and have rebuilt their lives and are now respected amongst their friends and family.
I'd just ignore her and not give anyone else any explanations either. You owe nobody nothing and whats done is done.

Bubblebubblepop · 28/10/2017 11:00

Everyone has done things they're ashamed of OP, especially as teenagers . It's part of learning and being responsible to make mistakes. Ignore the bullies on here (ironic) trying to make you feel bad

Bluntness100 · 28/10/2017 11:01

I think I would move on from it op. We all have things in the past we are ashamed of. Was the girl hurt? The school gave you quite a serious repercussion and if this woman still remembers it, I’m guessing she was at the same school, then possibly it’s one of those things that sticks in folks memories. All you can do is accept it and come to terms with what happened.

JingsMahBucket · 28/10/2017 11:01

OP, you don't have to answer anymore wheedling questions about the situation on here or in real life. Ignore the people being nosy. You don't have anything to apologize for. Plus, some of the info may be revealing.

Ginkypig · 28/10/2017 11:02

I think it feels so bad because that is the type of person you are. Which means it feels much worse than it is.

Fuckit2017 · 28/10/2017 11:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TSSDNCOP · 28/10/2017 11:03

So you were 16. The memory of it still lives with you, particularly the discussion with the head.

It sounds like you carry quite enough guilt on the incident around with you as it is. Let her talk, tomorrow it'll be old news. Head up.

PuppyMonkey · 28/10/2017 11:06

If anyone asks about it, which sounds highly unlikely, just say: "Yes, I finally snapped and had a fight with a bully at school." And people will say: "Good on ya." Confused

blanklook · 28/10/2017 11:06

Just say something along the lines of 'What did you do all those years ago and why resurrect this now?'

'Gosh, that was so long ago, let's see what we can remember that X(the gossip) got up to in those days.'

or Big Hints like 'well, if we're dragging up the past, you'd be amazed what i could tell you about X'

CrumpettyTree · 28/10/2017 11:07

Sounds like you were goaded into lashing out on one occasion. If I'd heard of that happening while the person was at school it certainly wouldn't make me think my child was at risk on a playdate and i would forget about it.

Garlicansapphire · 28/10/2017 11:15

Oh my god. Its such a small and inconsequential thing and at a young age - you really shouldn't feel any shame about it at all.

If some silly person told me that about someone else I'd just think she was a petty, snivelly, gossipy bitch.

You could always say to her 'you know what happens when I fall out with people' with a threatening death stare whilst clenching your fists.... (Sorry OP that was an unfeeling joke) ... Fuck her.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 28/10/2017 11:21

Right this is going to be very easy for me to say, but. If you committed no crime. Just move on. We've all got our past and our skeletons in the closet, gossips included. I promise you really are a 9 day wonder. They be talking about some other poor unsuspecting soul next week

ludothedog · 28/10/2017 11:22

I had a fight once with my brother in physics class. He absolutely deserved it.

OP, we all have a past.....

I used to have an issue with substances. I now work with substance abusers. My experience has helped me with my work. However, I would be mortified if my boss/work colleagues were to hear some of my stories and about some of the scrapes that I use to get myself into.

about shame, it's a useless emotion. It only serves to make you feel bad but doesn't help to change anything. Acknowledge that is how you are feeling and then forgive yourself. Honestly, I'm sure that what is a big deal for you will be yesterdays news for the other nursery mums. and if they don't see it that way, well they can GTF.

Original poster
Inkandbone · 28/10/2017 11:24

Hope so! It's just so not me, you know?

OP posts:
Dozer · 28/10/2017 11:26

You were a teen and made a mistake.

The acquaintance will come across badly to others if she gossips or bitches about you.

Agree with PPs suggesting you have your “narrative” ready to use if needed.

Winterhotchocolate · 28/10/2017 11:26

As someone listening to that story my first thought was ‘why is she even talking about this? It was at school and totally irrelevant now.’ I expect most people will just look at this girl with confusion if she brings that up. It would be very odd to me.

But that doesn’t change your feelings about it. I think she is triggering old feelings of shame that u have over this incident. I think you need to let yourself get these feelings out and then u will be able to see it in the same way as the rest of the world sees the incident : totally irrelevant, a fairly typical teenage story, and not even crossing our minds!

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 28/10/2017 11:27

They're talking about someone having a fight in prehistoric times.
I think they need to get out moreHmm

Oldraver · 28/10/2017 11:45

If she 'hints' at your secret, I would just say...

"Oh that, no-ones interested in trivial stuff like that, but the gossiper is never well thought of"

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 28/10/2017 12:04

A threesome with Santa and his elf.Grin