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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think a 2 and 5 year old will be fine being vegan for one lunch?

450 replies

mauricesom · 27/10/2017 09:46

It's my birthday next week and I've booked somewhere nice that does a vegan high tea. I've invited my daughter (veggie) and her two sons 7 and 5.

I've booked us all for the vegan high tea but daughter says the children will need ham and cheese else they won't eat it. As I'm paying for it I don't really want to buy things I'm ethically apposed to.

Aibu to think they will be fine with hummus and carrot sandwiches for one meal? They both eat food like that at my house without any issues.

OP posts:
Theresnonamesleft · 29/10/2017 14:21

Gluten free isn’t nice. I accidentally picked up a gluten free wrap. Bit into and looked at the front to see gluten free (I only scan ingredients). The texture was like Weetabix. If the op was suggesting gluten free I would decline or offer to pay for my own.

MissesBloom · 29/10/2017 14:49

I don't think the daughter had an issue with the bread...she was saying her kids only like ham or cheese sandwich filling and op won't be allowing them to order it. I'm sure vegan bread is lovely and they've probably had that at grandma's house.

Still don't get why the daughter isn't allowed to buy the kids their own lunch.

Jaxhog · 29/10/2017 15:02

If your DD doesn't want her kids exposed to a vegan lunch, then she shouldn't come. Nothing wrong with a carrot and hummus sandwich btw. I love them, and am not a veggie.

cathf · 29/10/2017 15:13

I think this thread has moved away from the point somewhat.
It's not about veganism being 'weird' or how much posters' children love hummous and would eat it all the time if they could.
Nor is it about how awful and stuck in their ways carnivores are and how refreshingly modern vegans are.
Is it not about someone hosting and event and dictating what everyone will eat even though they know done of the guests may struggle?
I would say that was selfish and controlling.

SaucyJack · 29/10/2017 15:18

Selfish and controlling to pay for someone to go out for afternoon tea?

Read that back to yourself mate. It's ridiculous.

C8H10N4O2 · 29/10/2017 15:22

Still don't get why the daughter isn't allowed to buy the kids their own lunch

Its afternoon tea which is a package supply effectively a small buffet. Its not each person buying a round of sandwiches. Meat based afternoon teas rarely include plain ham or cheese sandwiches either, presumably because they are not particularly special.

know done of the guests may struggle?

No, the OP knows that the children happily eat vegan food in her house. She also knows that if they don't like the sandwiches there will be plenty of other options on the table. nobody ordering afternoon tea can ever assume ham sandwiches whatever variety of afternoon tea is ordered.

The idea of it being controlling to invite someone to afternoon tea which includes quite a variety of options to choose from suggest a shortage of grips.

If they don't like the sandwiches they can eat the cakes and scones which form the bulk of the meal for most people.

If the place has 'ham sandwiches' as a separate item on the menu presumably the daughter can pay for it. However the OP has said she would prefer not to be paying for meat.

ArcheryAnnie · 29/10/2017 15:30

No one has the right to tell a vegan or vegetarian to eat meat...the same goes for the reverse.

But MissusBloom you are saying it's OK to force the OP, who is vegan, to buy and pay for meat. You wouldn't force a Muslim to buy bacon, would you?

The kids eat vegan at the OP's house with no trouble. Why should the OP be forced to compromise her own ethics on her own birthday, when there are plenty of other things at the afternoon tea that the kids can eat?

RhiannonOHara · 29/10/2017 15:32

No, the OP knows that the children happily eat vegan food in her house. She also knows that if they don't like the sandwiches there will be plenty of other options on the table. nobody ordering afternoon tea can ever assume ham sandwiches whatever variety of afternoon tea is ordered

The idea of it being controlling to invite someone to afternoon tea which includes quite a variety of options to choose from suggest a shortage of grips.

This EXACTLY.

ArcheryAnnie · 29/10/2017 15:33

@cathf how on earth is it "selfish and controlling" for the OP, on her own birthday, to choose something she likes and can eat (and that she knows the kids will also eat because they've eaten it fine at her house), and not want to pay for something that violates her own ethics?

I'd say forcing her to violate her own ethics on her own birthday for the sake of an entirely superfluous ham sandwich would be the "selfish and controlling" thing, here.

TaraCarter · 29/10/2017 15:34

This is the most insane veggie thread I have ever seen on MN.

It's afternoon tea. The kids will eat the weight of a first generation iPad in small cakes. Each.

MissesBloom · 29/10/2017 15:55

Archery I've repeatedly said she should not be expected to pay for something different especially if it contains meat....however she should be happy for her daughter to contribute and pay for something her children will eat.

How hard would it be to add another round of sandwiches for 2 that contain a suitable filling? (Which the daughter should pay for).

They could just eat the cakes, but wouldn't it be easier just to let them eat lunch like everyone else? Its been made into a huge issue unnecessarily.

Again...comes back to op wanting to control what the kids eat. Not ok.

IcingSausage · 29/10/2017 15:55

OH FOR FUCK SAKE!!!!!

This is just getting ridiculous. What the fuck is vegan bread?!?!! And how does it have a massively inferior taste to non-vegan bread? It’s the SAME FUCKING THING!!!

It’s bread!!! BREAD!!! I buy Kingsmill wholemeal medium sliced from Tesco. Not Kingsmill VEGAN wholemeal medium sliced. Just the regular stuff, because until you slather it with butter, IT’S SUITABLE FOR VEGANS!

Whew. Sorry all but this thread is hurting my sanity.

BertrandRussell · 29/10/2017 15:57

Are there really people who would genuinely "struggle" if there was no meat or cheese on the table?

What exactly would they "struggle" with?

BertrandRussell · 29/10/2017 16:00

A "suitable" filling? Like marmite? Or jam? Or cucumber? Or peanut butter? Or tomato?

C8H10N4O2 · 29/10/2017 16:00

Its been made into a huge issue unnecessarily.

Oh the irony.

ArcheryAnnie · 29/10/2017 16:01

How hard would it be to add another round of sandwiches for 2 that contain a suitable filling?

The sandwiches provided for already have a suitable filling. The OP has confirmed that the kids already eat vegan food at her house. It's the mum who has a problem with there being no ham.

BertrandRussell · 29/10/2017 16:04

I want to know what a suitable filling is.

cathf · 29/10/2017 16:14

OK Bert. We get it that you are very enlightened and modern and struggle to understand people who are not as open minded as you are. We get it. So with that in mind, do you think that it's OK for one member of a party to dictate to everyone else what they will eat,?.I am still mystified why the original poster mentioned it to her daughter in the first place. Surely if she is vegan, the daughter is vegetarian and the children are used to vegetarian/vegan food anyway, it would be expected?

LoverOfCake · 29/10/2017 16:18

But this is not the OP's house. It's a venue which does offer non vegan options, it's the OP who is saying that the children cannot be allowed to have non vegan options because this goes against her beliefs.

If she'd planned the afternoon tea at a vegan restaurant the DD could easily have stated that as she didn't think her children would eat vegan options it would be best if they didn't go (and we're talking about a two year old here, they're not the most compliant of beings if they want to be fussy eaters,) But the OP has booked afternoon tea at an omnivorous restaurant and because she is vegan she has decided that everyone else must eat vegan as well.

I'd also be wondering how much of this is about the relationship the OP has with her DD, and how potentially controlling she was over her DD's eating habits while growing up, hence why the DD is putting her foot down now so that her mother does not enforce her eating habits on to the DGC. You can bet your bottom dollar that if this was a MIL posting the responses would be different.

derxa · 29/10/2017 16:20

This is the most insane veggie thread I have ever seen on MN.
You didn't read the vegducken Christmas thread then. The OP's mother wanted to bring a few slices of chicken to a vegetarian Christmas dinner.

C8H10N4O2 · 29/10/2017 16:22

Surely if she is vegan, the daughter is vegetarian and the children are used to vegetarian/vegan food anyway, it would be expected?

By George she has got it!

BertrandRussell · 29/10/2017 16:23

"We get it that you are very enlightened and modern and struggle to understand people who are not as open minded as you are."

Not true. What I don't understand is why people are making such a fuss about eating marmite, jam, peanut butter or cucumber sandwiches.. Which, when my children were small were among their top 5 sandwich fillings.

Madhairday · 29/10/2017 16:24

She's not dictating, cath. This is not her saying that she will buy them all their separate lunches but they must have what she buys. It's her ordering a full afternoon tea for 4. Htaf is that dictating or controlling? Really, if anyone would feel this about going out to afternoon tea with their mum and dc I'd be fairly astounded at their attitude. The dc will eat cake. And probably sandwiches. It's really a non issue, but because OP used the dreaded v word people are up in arms at the thought of these poor neglected starving dc who will struggle so very much at being made to sit down with their Nana and eat cake. I mean, how very dare she.

C8H10N4O2 · 29/10/2017 16:25

But this is not the OP's house. It's a venue which does offer non vegan options, it's the OP who is saying that the children cannot be allowed to have non vegan options because this goes against her beliefs.

a) we don't know this for sure
b) the OP says she does not want to pay for meat for ethical reasons
c) the children are 7 and 5 (see the very first post) and have previously been happy to eat vegan at her house

But lets not worry about facts eh? Lets stick with the wicked vegan being mean and controlling by inviting her family to afternoon tea (and paying for it) on her own birthday.

LoverOfCake · 29/10/2017 16:28

As for the idea that because the OP is paying she gets to call the shots, where does that end?

Would her own daughter only have been allowed to have vegan school dinners on account of the fact her mother was paying for them? If she took the GC to the beach would they not be allowed an icecream on account of the fact the grandmother wouldn't want to pay for non vegan icecream or would she make them have vegan?

Absolutely in one's own home one can decide what does and doesn't go, if of a certain religion you didn't eat certain meats or insisted on halal or whatever, fine. If you're booking a meal out to a specific restaurant you could state that you'd booked a meal out at x vegan or halal restaurant or whatever other cuisine you chose and if people didn't like it they could say no.

But if booking an event at a restaurant which does provide other options then it is absolutely unreasonable to expect your guests to adhere to your choices, whatever those choices are.

But as I said in PP, IMO this is likely about far more than just the OP wanting to enjoy a vegan birthday tea and likely goes deeper into the OP's relationship with her DD.