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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Left alone with two childrens whilst DH is visiting his mother with HIS DCs..

88 replies

Vanessatiger · 26/10/2017 17:24

Background: his mother is ailing, she lives in another country. His teenage DCs lives in the UK, whilst we live abroad.
DH missed seeing his DCs because of work, he

OP posts:
Original poster
Vanessatiger · 26/10/2017 17:31

So when I had planned a trip with my pregnant friend and my baby (6 months), DH was all up for it and said “no problems I’ll take care of our 2 yr old”. I was really excited about the trip as we had planned it for a while and it was to go with my friend 3 weeks in advance before she’d give birth.

My DH then said oh sorry it’ll be mid-term and I want to take my teenagers to see my mother.
Note: his mother has never met our DCs and never asked to meet them and didn’t say congrats when our newborn was born.

I was fuming as I’d be left alone with two children under 2 whilst he’ll be on holiday. I asked to come but he replied his mother won’t like it and seeing she’s frail he doesn’t want to upset her. So he left last week.

I feel he’s dividing the kids and that he doesn’t respect me and being inclusive of us as his family. He said he’s just being practical as flying with a 6 months old is pain.

Am I right to be fuming?

OP posts:
messyjessy17 · 26/10/2017 17:36

Holiday? Going to see his "ailing mother"? If she is dying you are being particularly unreasonable.

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 26/10/2017 17:36

*he missed seeing his DCs this summer because of work, he could only take 10 days off so opted to see his mother instead of seeing his DCs for the 14 days he’s allowed, as his ex is very strict with timing, it’s all or nothing. And he wasn’t allowed to change dates as they were pre-planned since the year before.

She didn’t respond about mid-term until a couple of weeks before that he could take them. So we were in a limbo, so we went ahead to plan my girly trip. Then ex said yes and DH wanted me to cancel. Obviously I couldn’t bring two kids along the trip with my pregnant friend as it would change the whole dynamic and involving me chasing the toddler the whole time.

So now I’m at home and he’s on holiday. They visited his mum for 3 days and went to a big city for the remaining days.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vanessatiger · 26/10/2017 17:38

Well, he saw her in July.
I admit I don’t like that woman because she’s never asked about my children. Well not only because of that (she also tried to ruin our wedding but that’s another story). She never warmed up to me so wheb our eldest was born she never said a word. I have argued with DH about it numerous times! How could he let his mother treat his child (and now children like this).

OP posts:
stella23 · 26/10/2017 17:40

You sound upset and cancelling your holiday, obviously that is a pain and not great. However, his mum is dying? So that trumps most things including a girly hoilday and he doesn't get much annual leave, are you a sahm? If so maybe you could both work part time so he had more time to see his dying mum and his teenage children.

Believeitornot · 26/10/2017 17:40

Well it’s his mother and we have blind spots when it comes to our own family.

Wooooooopsadaisy · 26/10/2017 17:40

Why did you have kids with him? Is he ashamed of you and your dc?

I'd tell him to not bother coming back

stella23 · 26/10/2017 17:40

Sounds like she's be dead soon so not to worry for too much longer

Wooooooopsadaisy · 26/10/2017 17:41

Ailing doesn't mean dying by the way!

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 26/10/2017 17:43

I live in a country where I can’t work. I’m on his VISA.
I married him for love obviously. His mother is a witch and always have been. She didn’t like me from day 1 and it has continued and she’s playing the “ I’m so sick” card. For years now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vanessatiger · 26/10/2017 17:46

Yes I’m upset I had to cancel because it’s not the first time that I had planned something and we hadn’t got any confirmation from the ex, sometime she says yes and sometimes she says yes-if they are holiday outside of the agreed custody agreement (which is summer only)

OP posts:
Original poster
Vanessatiger · 26/10/2017 17:46

*meant to write “no”

OP posts:
LadyDeadpool · 26/10/2017 17:48

Sounds like she's be dead soon so not to worry for too much longer

Wow, that's cold. Shock

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 26/10/2017 17:48

Ps. His mother asked us (my children and myself) not to come.

I’ve argued with him how could he even allow that to happen and how could he be comfortable bringing his other children there

OP posts:
WinnieTheW0rm · 26/10/2017 17:48

Well, it's shit that your plans have been mucked up.

But why did you plan something for half term when you don't have to? It's the most expensive time for everything, and you must have known that he might see the older DC during their school breaks.

i think finding a way of co-ordinating dates better in future might be the way ahead for longer-term harmony. Only you can decide if bottoming out your MQIl's antipathy towards you is going to improve things. What's your DH's take on that?

stella23 · 26/10/2017 17:50

No then I don't think too are being unreasonable, I think your dh dropping everything because the ex is being difficult isn't really fair. Could he have taken the others with him?

messyjessy17 · 26/10/2017 17:50

It sounds more about him seeing his children than his mother.

stella23 · 26/10/2017 17:51

Crossed post just seen she asked them not to come.

I'd tell him to stay there tbh.

stella23 · 26/10/2017 17:52

Sounds like she's be dead soon so not to worry for too much longer

I was being sarcastic to the op, but after reading the next few post I think her dh is an arse

Gazelda · 26/10/2017 17:52

Was there really no way of you going on your trip with the 2yo?

I understand why you’re peeved at the way mil behaves over your dc. Is there a particular reason for this? Does she not approve of your relationship for any reason?

I think you need to get regular arrangements fixed with his older DC. And your DH needs to see how he is allowing the situation to be more fraught than it needs to be.

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 26/10/2017 17:54

MIL is a classic narcissist, I don’t buy into her behavior and don’t particularly do as I’m told and she doesn’t think I’m good enough for her golden child (his sister is the scapegoat).

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 26/10/2017 18:01

Since you don't have a good word to say about your MIL, why did you ask your DH if you could come too?

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 26/10/2017 18:04

Because I didn’t want to feel left out and that my kids are left out, and that he went on holiday with his kids without us. They are only visiting for a few days and the remaining days are spent doing fun things...

OP posts:
Oldraver · 26/10/2017 18:04

Are you saying that he used his summer holiday to see his mother and not an y of his children ?

Mamabear4180 · 26/10/2017 18:07

You planned a trip when there was still a possibility of him going so in that sense it probably wasn't a great idea but your DH is allowing his mum to cut you and the two little ones off which is just plain wrong. Your DH saying the 6 month old will be a pain on the flight sounds like an excuse, he doesn't want you and the babies to meet his mum because his mum doesn't like you. He's torn really but he should choose you and stand up to his mum. You should all go together or not at all IMO.