Left alone with two childrens whilst DH is visiting his mother with HIS DCs..

[Vanessatiger]

Background: his mother is ailing, she lives in another country. His teenage DCs lives in the UK, whilst we live abroad.
DH missed seeing his DCs because of work, he

In the end of day, I already know the answer-that he’s an arse. I’m just too scared to leave him and I’m thinking of my children growing up without their father. But he’s a selfish person admittedly and he doesn’t treat me well. He thinks I live to serve him.

I’m just trying to find courage somewhere because I live in a foreign country with hardly any real friends.
I feel I failed in life. I left my well paid job for him so he could further his career, now I’m trapped. I haven’t worked for 8 years. No one would hire me again.

Any man who doesn’t see his dc much because of work isn’t much of a man tbh. Such a red flag and I wouldn’t even entertain a relationship - why did you?

Also, are you the ow? Could explain some of his mum’s dislike of you. Maybe next time suggest he just take your kids and his kids ie not you.

Because I didn’t want to feel left out and that my kids are left out, and that he went on holiday with his kids without us

She doesn't like you, you don't like her. So obviously you were not going to be invited. So is he not supposed to go away with his teens, and are they not supposed to see their grandmother?

You picked him, OP.

No I’m not the OW. He divorced 2 years before I showed up.MIL also didn’t like the ex, but the children are her first grandchildren so I guess she feels more for them

I'd have gone with the friend and carried the dc along. It'd be better than sitting home alone and missing out. Is there any reason his ex is using their dc as a way of manipulating the situation? How long are you together - were you the OW?

if your children are only 2years and 6 months why haven't you worked in 8 years? visa or no visa, you sat around for 5 years doing nothing??

he missed seeing his DCs this summer because of work

and now should miss seeing them again because you threw a strop?

And he wasn’t allowed to change dates as they were pre-planned since the year before

He had pre planned to see his children a year earlier

You don't like his mother, why are you upset you can't visit her?

If she's ill and dying maybe a 2 year old and a 6 month old would be too much for her, you yourself sound very upset you have to look after them for a weekend.

If a two year old couldn't be brought on your girls holiday because they would change the dynamic, the same could be said for your husband's "holiday".

He missed seeing his children this summer because of work, so he is seeing them now. That is more important that you taking a holiday without your 2 year old.

Part of the lesson is that if (when?) your marriage falls apart and he lives in a different country from YOUR children, he'll take time to see to them and try to maintain a relationship with them.

Do his older children come over and visit where you (and he) live now? What our friends in similar circumstances do is one trip a year back for just dad to visit, and one trip per year when the older children come and visit in dad's new home with dad's new wife and new children.

When you have 51 other weeks of the year to choose from why on earth would you choose the one week you knew he was likely to have contact? That almost gives the impression that you were actively trying to put a spanner in the works.

His older children obviously know their Grandmother and will need a chance to say goodbye which your babies have no awareness of. Their father will need to be the one who takes them. His mother is dying so they all need to see her.

She clearly hates you and you hate her. We don't know the background but given how vitriolic you are towards her I think it would be extremely inappropriate for you to insist you are taken to see her and it would be unkind and selfish to expect all of them to say their goodbyes to their loved ones with the cloud and awkward atmosphere you would bring.

I'm afraid when people are dying you need to prioritise that. You can rearrange your trip with your friend. Her Grandchildren can't say their goodbyes if she's dead.

The pre planned arrangement, as I read it was for the summer term. And he is making amends towards the older children by having them now. He did not need to take them to see his mum, he could have stayed at home with the older children and the 2 year old instead of taking them to his mother, whom from what I understood, has been dying for years. The other thing is, his ex and his mother is dictating their lives which is unacceptable and I completely understand OPs predicament. Wanting to go, even to stay in the background is understandable, as these young children are his family just as much as the older ones and the signal he is sending is that the younger ones are not as important as the older ones. This would hurt anyone one of us. But getting through to this man is clearly a difficult task, as mine would never do anything like this to me as he has always had my back and I his even when our families are playing silly buggers from time to time. Am curious to which country country you are in admittedly OP, as it would be interesting if you could get your own visa or not.

The teenagers aren’t allowed to fly alone. So no they haven’t visited us in this current location. We have moved a few countries now. He needs to pick them in the UK and fly to whereever. The oldest is 16 and youngest 14. She wants him to pick them up first before they can go anywhere. Yes it’s that pathetic.
Ex is bitter because of money issues. My husband has a quite high income and she always wants more. She throws a strop every now and then. He’s already paying private school fees, holidays, upkeep etc..

No I didn’t sit around doing nothing for 8 years, I did charitable work but unpaid. I’m not allowed to have a paid job and using my true capacity. There are countries who forbid spouses (women) to work you know.

Re planning holiday that week. I was going to accompany my pregnant friend to the country where she’s supposed to give birth. She can’t give birth where we live (not a country of choice to give birth). I only had that window as the following week her in laws and husband and DS would come down so it wouldn’t be much holiday.
No, I wanted a holiday as in some shopping, relaxing, and massages. I couldn’t do with 2 kids dragged along. So not actually actively trying to hinder him seeing his kids. But I felt I needed a wee break as I barely slept since nipper got out, and husband has been in and out of country every month or so. I feel it’s my turn to travel and enjoy myself.

People who have flown with 2 kids (and alone) would understand being alone at home would be easier than going away for a week where you need to source drinking water, food for the kid etc.. (we are not talking about holidaying in Holland here).

Well my mother in law slammed the door at my wedding (first time I met her as well as we live so far away) and yelled at my husband that he spends too much time with me! That’s not normal in my mind. She treats him like a child. When we had gone out at night, assuming she was asleep (We stayed in a house together during the wedding) she burst out from her bedroom and said she worried sick something had happened to her son as we came back so late. And she blanked at me. That’s the 2nd day I just met her. I didn’t realise she was mentally ill then. My husband already warned me she wouldn’t like me as she gas never liked any of the girls he brought back home.

You don't want to see her, she doesn't want to see you? So...whats the problem? It's his mother and older children he sees infrequently, let him enjoy time with them!

I can't understand why on earth you looking after your children is an issue. Maybe if you had a newborn I'd understand more.

Seriously, give him a break. I really hope you don't stop him.

OK, taking everything into account, I’m afraid I do think you are being unreasonable to be ‘fuming’. It was always on the cards that he’d be having the older D.C. this week. You know the difficulties with his ex. And you know the difficulties with his DM. Surely you had anticipated this situation?
Yes, you deserve a break. But it could have been planned so much better.
And, FWIW, I don’t think I’d have let my teenage DCs fly unaccompanied either. I’m sure they’re capable, but bearing in mind at he hasn’t seen them for so long, and he is apparently wealthy, then surely it’s not too much to ask?
I’m sorry you are in an unhappy marriage. How do you think you can change that?

Not that it’s an issue looking after my own children, but I’m peeved off I had to forfeit my own holiday so he could enjoy his. He has never and never will look after the children alone while I go on holiday. Why is it ok the other way around?

Do you have other children? He is having contact with his older children who live in a different country right? And seeing his mum who you don't want to visit? It's not exactly a holiday!

Stopping someone you love seeing their mother and children is unreasonable. Get over yourself.

Most airlines would accompany a minor. You don’t need to fly across the globe to pick two teens up. The teens are seasoned travellers. Ex allowed oldest one to visit his maternal grandfather in Australia by himself. He flew on his own. But when asked if they could fly airline accompanied to nearest civilised big city where we are, she says no they are too young.

The teenagers aren’t allowed to fly alone

Why?

BTW, I have flown with an infant and a toddler and no other adult. It's pretty common the in expat community.

The high income and ex thing is something you will most likely understand better in a few years. Clearly, being married to a high earner requires a lot of sacrifices. You've started making them, and you'll find that as long as you are married to him you will keep making them. So you need to decide if that is what you want.

His ex made sacrifices for years. She wants her children with him to reap the benefits. Chances are, you will too. International moves can make it easier to hide money, so divorces/maintenance/child support can be very contentious.

I suspect that if you keep being so difficult, you marriage will fail. He's divorced wives and left children before. His mother is difficult, and you knew that when you married. It's one thing you and his ex have in common.

If you want actual marriage advice, I've moved 11 times for my DH's job and understand the international moves better than most people. I'm a first wife, so my sympathies lay that way. But I do understand the situation you are in and how difficult and lonely it is. None the less, fighting with your DH about who gets stuck with the 2 year old is NOT the solution

I don’t really love him anymore, I guess that’s where the fault is. So I don’t feel bad about stopping him to see his mother or children. It sounds bad. But I feel bitter.

And he isn't on holiday. He is seeing his children. How many times a year does he see them?

Quit referring to it as a holiday. He is parenting. They existed before you were on the scene.

You sound as bitter as you say his mother is, and very childish and feet stompy banging on about your holiday and having to look after your own children.
Presumably you knew your husband had other children and a parent when you married him and started to enjoy the expat lifestyle you are clearly provided with.

I guess I’m actively trying to make my marriage fail in a way. Because I resent his mother and ex. And now him.

There are countries who forbid spouses (women) to work you know

This could be the reason why his children haven't visited you. I wouldn't be keen on allowing my children to such a country, getting them back could be hell if he choose not to let them leave.

His children have visited us when we had picked them up in other countries. They just haven’t visited us here as we just moved.

Trust me my husband would let them leave. He barely has time for them when they aren’t around. He wouldn’t even contemplate wanting them around full time. And I wouldn’t want it either. Looking after someone else’s teens. No thanks!

OP, I think it’s time You ended the marriage. You don’t like your DH, his ex, his DM, his DC. I think that you need to call it quits now, for everyone’s sake.