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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fucked off with MiL's entitled attitude towards my kids?

173 replies

Neverwasapancakegi7l · 26/10/2017 11:52

She's getting on my nerves.
She sees them twice a week. A full weekend day and I see her a day in the week with my toddler and she sees my other dc for a couple of hours after school too.

She has announced it isn't enough. Shock apparently they are 'as much her children' and she wants them twice a month overnight too. It is fucking ridiculous. We are already contracted in to one day at the weekend for ever more and now apparently she wants two full weekends. They don't stop with my parents either, just for reference. So it isn't that it's unfair and she's losing out.
I'm so fed up. They aren't her kids however much she wishes otherwise and I'm not getting into some permanent arrangement where I don't see them two weekends a month. More to the point they don't want to go. Dc2 is only one and dc1 doesn't want to stop overnight.

Why are people like this? I used to see my grandparents every other weekend, particularly when I got older and started school and other things came up. To my knowledge they never moaned about it.

OP posts:
LightDrizzle · 27/10/2017 13:12

NewLove - to be fair though, perhaps the last time she was interacting so much with a tot, she was “mummy”.
I regularly call my much loved DCs by each other’s names or the dog’s name before correcting myself, so I can see myself doing this in the future - and swiftly correcting! I’ve occasionally called senior colleagues “darling” e.g. “Sorry darling!” if I brush them in passing or something, not something I would ever do consciously, and in the past I’ve had to bin long faxes to customers with quotes on because of a fatal “x” after my signature.
I’m not proud.

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 27/10/2017 17:32

Not on my nelly would she have them that often! I would tell her she can have them one weekend a month and have them for tea every fortnight - all the children together.

Maireadplastic · 27/10/2017 18:10

I'd bloody love it.

Abbylee · 27/10/2017 18:46

Let them stay, but give them sugar and drinks first. Let them pee the bed, cry, wail and she will beg you to come and get them.

(Or just laugh and pretend she said a joke)

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 27/10/2017 18:59

Wait til she starts dressing your DC in your DH's/his sibling's childhood clothes and starts 'accidentally' calling your DC by his name... My DM not MIL

KeepItAsItIs · 27/10/2017 19:11

Ffs man up and say no! You are not contracted at all. How ridiculous. It's got like this because you have allowed it.

Ropsleybunny · 27/10/2017 19:13

You and DH need to be on the same page over this. It's all gone too far but they are your children and you get to say what's happening, starting right away. Make a decision about what's acceptable to you and stick to it.

FaveNumberIs2 · 27/10/2017 19:36

Tell her to knob off. They are your children and you will decide what’s best.

If there’s one thing mumsnet has done for me, it’s make me grateful for having no parents and no parents in law.

dragonara53 · 27/10/2017 20:34

I am a mil and grandma of 9 and step gran of 7. I see some of the gc's a couple of times a week and others a couple of times a year. No way do I have them overnight, I was very mumsy when my lot were growing up but now I don't feel like I want to babysit or anything. I always told my dk's I would only babysit in an emergency or for a special night out if they couldn't get anyone else. I was 34 when the first grandbaby was born and still had young kids at home. I'm 53 and like to do my own thing now but maybe I'll want to babysit when the first great grandbaby comes along. To be quite honest I don't really like kids much now my maternal instinct has fled.

magpiemischief · 27/10/2017 20:38

Just be busy. That way you can keep the idea of them staying because sometime you might actually want them to. The children could have their friends round. Go to clubs You could arrange a family mini break or to take them to an attraction. You could have school PTA stuff etc. However if they were to stay occasionally you could have a couples mini break, a night on the town, friends round for the weekend, do decorating without them getting under your feet. If you do boundaries nicely you might be able to achieve a better balanced more mutually advantageous relationship. Explain it would be lovely for them to stay with her occasionally but you’ve other things to fit in too which you need to do with them as their parents.

magpiemischief · 27/10/2017 20:43

Oh and you can get them to stay at her’s when they’ve dreadful, craft project, homework to do! She can get all uber competitive granny and produce the best Easter bonnet monstrosity ever!

manicmij · 27/10/2017 20:47

Say no. Children don't want to go and are a bit young to have such regular contact week in week out. It is good to have someone will to takes dc overnight now and again but not on a regular basis. The MIL is unhinged.

bambambini · 27/10/2017 20:58

You have control so put a reasonsble limit you hopefully can all be happy with but tbh her seeing them a few times a week seems really normal for where I’m from. Iblivevaway from family and it makes me sad we can’t hsve that casual close Family set up.

pollymere · 27/10/2017 21:42

Mine wanted my dd to stay for days at a time. My dd said no in a loud voice. I think she's expecting way too much and they're also far too young for overnight stays.

crispinquent · 27/10/2017 21:45

This sounds like you are speaking about my mil. I am considering relocation. Not kidding.

Protectingmydaughterfromfilth · 27/10/2017 21:54

This is madness. Once or twice a month is standard.

Why aren’t you standing up to her? Are you scared of her?????

bambambini · 27/10/2017 22:14

“This is madness. Once or twice a month is standard. “

Wha a fucking stupid thing to say. Why would you say that? Standard for who - for you?

BertrandRussell · 27/10/2017 22:19

Where does "standard" come from? When my children were little they saw my mum once a week and my mil every 6 weeks because we lived close to one and not close to the other. My brother saw our mum every 6 months and his mil every day. Once again because of distance. There is no "standard.

Hebenon · 27/10/2017 23:05

I agree that standard is different for everyone and depends on all kinds of things. But wanting your grandchildren to spend the entire weekend at your house half the time is quite a lot more than standard for the vast majority of people. And the crucial point is that OP doesn't want to do that because she wants to see her children at weekends.

Standard can vary hugely, though. DD has never spent the night with either set of grandparents without me because she just doesn't want to and has been vocal about it since she was able to be (PILs weird about this, my parents totally fine with it). SIL sends her kids to her parents around three nights a week every week and sometimes more. What works for me clearly would not work for her and vice versa.

FastForward2 · 28/10/2017 03:25

This thread appeared shortly after thread about 'Isn't it sad when grandparents don' t offer to babysit....' With mine I had no parents or pil nearby to help or babysit so was saved from all these dilemmmas. Did not know how lucky I was!

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/10/2017 05:06

Wait til she starts dressing your DC in your DH’s/his siblings childhood clothes and starts ‘accidentally’ Calling your DC by his name...

My mother decided to call my dd and my brothers ds (only children) by our childhood nicknames. She hardly ever called me by the one she chose because she wasn’t very nice to me, preferring ‘shrew’ as I was growing up. She really cannot see how strange choosing to do this is. My mother’s a true narcissist.

When I was pregnant with dd, she got the cot down (as we’d clearly be having load of overnights) and announced it would be fine for dd to sleep in it. She couldn’t find a mattress to fit. But that was fine, she’d just stuff some towels down the sides Confused. I put her straight on that one.

Boundaries boundaries.

goose1964 · 28/10/2017 06:41

My kids spent a lot of time at my in laws, but it was mutually agreed. Now they are adults they are very close to their grandparents. However we were always given the chance to say no. I'm so sorry that your MiL oversteps your boundaries you need to be from ( as a couple) with her

Imabadmummy · 03/11/2017 21:28

I loved going to my grandparents. I remember going and staying all weekend from being quiet young - gran still worked when I was really young so couldn't go midweek....but once she retired if I could go 24/7 I would have!
As I got older I actually asked to go more often - and sometimes I was allowed to go straight after school on a Fri & mum would pick me up Mon morning to take me to school.

I would love my kids to go to their grand parents over night. Some child free time for me and husband...or am I reading this all wrong???

Of course if the kids don't want to go and stay over then I wouldn't force it. Better if the kids go willingly.

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