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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fucked off with MiL's entitled attitude towards my kids?

173 replies

Neverwasapancakegi7l · 26/10/2017 11:52

She's getting on my nerves.
She sees them twice a week. A full weekend day and I see her a day in the week with my toddler and she sees my other dc for a couple of hours after school too.

She has announced it isn't enough. Shock apparently they are 'as much her children' and she wants them twice a month overnight too. It is fucking ridiculous. We are already contracted in to one day at the weekend for ever more and now apparently she wants two full weekends. They don't stop with my parents either, just for reference. So it isn't that it's unfair and she's losing out.
I'm so fed up. They aren't her kids however much she wishes otherwise and I'm not getting into some permanent arrangement where I don't see them two weekends a month. More to the point they don't want to go. Dc2 is only one and dc1 doesn't want to stop overnight.

Why are people like this? I used to see my grandparents every other weekend, particularly when I got older and started school and other things came up. To my knowledge they never moaned about it.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 26/10/2017 12:21

She is being ridiculous. You could try saying something like we're going to fall out soon if you keep this pressure up. It's really getting on my nerves. |'d cut out seeing her a day through the week with your toddler. If she persists then you should not co-operate in plans and leave your DH to sort it out. She is way overstepping the line.

KimmySchmidt1 · 26/10/2017 12:21

suggest you ask your DH to pick between having his little winky pinched by mummy every times he's naughty and living with her for the rest of his life

or being a fvcking man with a wife and children who is able to have an adult conversation.

Your problem is not the MIL. Your problem is your DH throwing you under a bus because he is a selfish coward with mummy issues.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 26/10/2017 12:21

The they're just as much my children comment is a bit weird, granted.
However I don't think she should be made out to be a monster for wanting to see even more of her gcs.
You'd have something to say, if she wasn't interested in them.

GabsAlot · 26/10/2017 12:22

so your dh just goes along with whatever she wants

you need to have words-its not right-legally she has no rights to even visits so tell her to swivel

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 26/10/2017 12:22

The they're just as much my children comment is a bit weird, granted.
However I don't think she should be made out to be a monster for wanting to see even more of her gcs.
You'd have something to say, if she wasn't interested in them.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 26/10/2017 12:22

The Lord alone knows why that posted twice

StaplesCorner · 26/10/2017 12:23

What's does Mumsnet say when this happens, fellow posters? All together now - You Don't Have a MiL Problem, You Have a DH Problem!

Although in your case, sadly, you do have both. I suggest you start changing some of the arrangements. Say oh BTW just to let you know we wont see you next week but will pop round on Wednesday, then refuse to discuss it, as one poster suggested above with the "I want to see them" "no, its not convenient. Would you like tea?" "I'm entitled!" "No, but do you want a biscuit with that tea" etc.

I think you might find DH is harder to deal with than her. Why does he kowtow to her? Is there a back story?

Maelstrop · 26/10/2017 12:24

I would stop the definite one day at the weekend. When do you get todo stuff you want to do? I wouldn't allow her contact without you being present either. God knows what she's saying to the kids!

MissionItsPossible · 26/10/2017 12:28

Very strange that she thinks of your children as hers Shock. Disturbing.

JayoftheRed · 26/10/2017 12:32

Are you me?

PandorasXbox · 26/10/2017 12:33

I don’t understand how you’ve allowed this to happen and then think having a whinge on MN is going to solve everything.

mando12345 · 26/10/2017 12:35

I would mix it up a bit and sometimes cancel the weekend day if it doesn't fit in with you. Definitely no to the regular weekend overnight. Use the technique SierraFerrara suggested, to rebuff her suggestions. Practice it at home!
However she does love her grandchildren which can only be a good thing, just don't let her try and take over. To be honest my in-laws and mother were bone idle and although they loved my children never offered to help with them so I'd loved to have had your problem.

Babyjunglesafari · 26/10/2017 12:35

Omg I’ve had this with inlaws, the expectation that we’d spend every weekend with them.

Just start making excuses to see her less.

FizzyGreenWater · 26/10/2017 12:36

'MIL, they are NOT as much your children. They are in fact not your children at all. I am actually really worried about you saying this, it isn't normal for you to be so obsessed. I think you need to get a grip and start getting some other interests, this isn't healthy. I'm not enabling this any more as I think it can only lead to resentment and the children not wanting to be with you as they get older. We won't be doing every weekend any more.'

To DH:

'I know you don't like saying no to your mum but this is going beyond keeping her happy. She needs to back off here for her own good. She is pissing me off now but this is only going to get worse as they get older unless we nip it in the bud. They are going to have parties, friends, playdates, activities, if we don't stop allowing her to dictate the weekends the children are going to grow up HATING her when they have to pander to her and miss out. No more weekends. We do what we want and we invite her every now and again, we'll make sure they spend time together once a fortnight at least but no more.'

Gemini69 · 26/10/2017 12:38

YOUR the Mother ... Your the Boss.... say NO .. in fact I'd deliberately real back on the contact she already has... Flowers

tiggytape · 26/10/2017 12:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LaurieMarlow · 26/10/2017 12:39

Tear up this imaginary contract and tell her you can no longer commit to every weekend. She can still see them more occasionally.

And no, they are not 'as much hers' what a fucking ridiculous thing to say. Don't worry about her blaming you, all you are doing us standing up to her. Sounds like that's a novel state of affairs for her.

She'll have to keep you sweet in the long run as you will determine the access. Reward the good behaviour and punish the bad.

Itsanicehotel · 26/10/2017 12:39

You need to be firm. Thy are NOT her kids and you need family time at the weekends.
Until we were mid teens, my brothers and I spent all Saturday with one set of Gps and sundays with the other set. And we were bored witless and resentful.

I live a long way from my DGD but even if I was next door I’d be glad of any visits I got. I’d not be demanding them or saying she’s my child as much as theirs. That’s a real unawareness of boundaries. My DD and her family have their life, need time together at the weekends and if I’m included in that time then that’s lovely. You shouldn’t demand it though. Being firm now will prevent even more entitlement from building up hopefully.

RaininSummer · 26/10/2017 12:41

Apart form your husband obviously not standing up to his mother and supporting you, is there an element of him liking being effectively childless one day every weekend? Does he like family time?

Ceto · 26/10/2017 12:46

MIL: I want to see them more, they're as much my children as yours.
OP and DH: No, they're not as much your children as ours, obviously; and no, there is no chance of them spending whole weekends with you on a regular basis. Whilst we're at it, we need to knock the one day per weekend arrangement on the head too.

Job done.

MammaTJ · 26/10/2017 12:49

As a Granny myself, this is weird. The best thing about my relationship with my absolutely adorable granddaughter is that I get to have some fun with her, then hand her back for the hard bits!

All of this time with her Grandchildren, surely she then gets more of the hard bits. Why would she even want that?

I do call my Granddaughter 'My girl' sometimes, she is mine-my Granddaughter, that is! She is not as much mine as my DDs and SILs though! She is certainly all theirs when she wakes in the night, when she is teething and snotty and grotty with it!

Be firm with your batshit MIL! No means NO!

Willow2017 · 26/10/2017 12:50

No you are not 'contracted'.
No she has not got a say in where your kids go and when.
No they are not hers either.

Stop the crazy now.
Decide you have things to do sone weekends and kids cant come. Why are you running your weekends around her?
You are the mother you decide where they go and when.
This is only going to gey worse take back control now.
And tell your dh that he isnt a child any more and stand up to her and back you up by telling her that your family is not his mothers to control.

This is only happening because neither of you are standing up for your kids. You are the parents you are in charge of them not her.

Billben · 26/10/2017 12:52

She used to correct my nieces when they called her Grandma 'when I'm looking after you I'm Mummy!'

Holy cow! Now that is deluded.

Mrskeats · 26/10/2017 12:54

The suggested answers Fizzy gave are perfect.
This will get worse as YOUR children get older and have their own minds about what they want to do with their weekends/get invited to things.

senzaparole03 · 26/10/2017 12:55

When i read the post, I assumed the father was dead (or in jail) and the MIL visits were part of a court-mandated visitation plan.

That's how it sounded.

I am shocked that it has gotten to the stage where you can't plan your own weekends! Where is your DH in all this??
Does he know your concerns?

There are some fantastic suggestions in this thread that I cannot add to, but I'm certainly keeping in mind should i ever face this!

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