To be fucked off with MiL's entitled attitude towards my kids?

[Neverwasapancakegi7l]

She's getting on my nerves.
She sees them twice a week. A full weekend day and I see her a day in the week with my toddler and she sees my other dc for a couple of hours after school too.

She has announced it isn't enough. apparently they are 'as much her children' and she wants them twice a month overnight too. It is fucking ridiculous. We are already contracted in to one day at the weekend for ever more and now apparently she wants two full weekends. They don't stop with my parents either, just for reference. So it isn't that it's unfair and she's losing out.
I'm so fed up. They aren't her kids however much she wishes otherwise and I'm not getting into some permanent arrangement where I don't see them two weekends a month. More to the point they don't want to go. Dc2 is only one and dc1 doesn't want to stop overnight.

Why are people like this? I used to see my grandparents every other weekend, particularly when I got older and started school and other things came up. To my knowledge they never moaned about it.

@PandorasXbox haha fair point!

Your MIL does sound very overbearing, but she actually doesn’t have any power over you and your DH at all. Once you start standing up to her and saying no, she will have no choice but to back off, especially if you reduce the contact that she has with her DGCs. I think you should do that anyway, as she already has too much as a result of her manipulation of you and your DH.

They are NOT her children however much she might say they are.

My DM is overbearing too, but she’s backed off now I’ve stood up to her.

You've got to break this arrangement. Start making plans for her usual day and say sorry can't do it this week. When I got married, PILs TOLD us we would be having dinner at theirs twice a week. We gradually weaned them off that by having other plans.

Say no and start pulling back on the other contact too. I had this with MIL - it will never end. I was knackered after my week and having to travel to MIL and put up with all her digs at me at her house for my one free day was crap - my MIL was quite narcacisstic and yours might have better intentions than mine but I felt she was a malign influence but my DH was still in the FOG. My MIL started campaigning for overnight and half term stays and started working on my eldest daughter to recruit her to the cause.

Say no - mine did her usual crying act in public and then started the "Grannies have rights too" mantra. Finally she told my DH that I shouldn't be "allowed" to take DD to visit my dad (at the other end of the country) and he started to back me up a bit more. She hurt herself in the end as her aggression caused her to see the DC less not more. I wish I had moved far away.

I had similar OP, and have come out the other side. The expectation of weekly (daily in the beginning!) visits really took me by surprise as we'd previously seen mil about once a month at most and there were no discussions otherwise before baby came along.

I think that's how these arrangements come about - vulnerable shellshocked new mothers are just railroaded into them when they don't know what's going on and by the time they're thinking straight again there are weekly visits on the agenda.

A few months in I got fed up with giving up my weekends, with having to account for my whereabouts and being given guilt trips if I was busy. And I resented giving up that much of my time entirely for mil's benefit - she didn't want to see me and dh, just coo over dd, and a 4 month old baby doesn't particularly get anything out of it.

Then I realised that I was a grown woman and simply didn't have to do it. So I completely disengaged and now direct her to dh to make arrangements for the most part. The result is we see much less of her. I would never stop dh taking dd to dd her, but I have no particular desire to spend a huge amount of time sitting in my mil's house while she chats inanely at the baby.

I think what irritates me most is the sense of entitlement. Previously she didn't care if she saw us 6 times a year, but as soon as we had a baby she suddenly felt entitled to hours of our time every week, and would sulk if we were busy. If we didn't have that relationship with mil before why does she think a baby suddenly makes a difference?!

I would say no, and just for future reference when it comes to making decisions about my children I out rank you all so do remember that.

Sorry. Only disappeared as out with MiL right now!
Back later!

Ring her today and tell her that the children won’t be able to see her this weekend. Arrange something, anything, that you can take them off to do for a few hours slap bang in the middle of the day, preferably quite a long way away.

Start as you mean to go on.

As a last resort, move!

She is very lucky to see them as much as she does!
I have friends who never see their grandchildren as they stopped bankrolling their Ds's and DIL's lifestyle when they retired (cos they couldn't afford it any more) so visitation rights ceased!

She is being ridiculous, the GC's will get to resent her if she insists.
Why are people like this?

"If we didn't have that relationship with mil before why does she think a baby suddenly makes a difference?!"

Of course it does! I wouldn't really care much if I never saw my mil again and I'm pretty sure she feels the same about me - no falling out or animosity- just very different people with nothing much in common. But that makes no difference to the relationship she had with my children-that is very close and important to all of them. And nothing to do with me.

out with MiL right now!

Show her this thread

Why do so many women have such a huge problem in being assertive? This is surely a widespread problem that needs addressing.

We cannot control other people's personalities or emotions, only our own. So change the way you behave or react and don't worry about hers.

Sit her down and say : I am (we are) really happy that you want to be part of your grandchildrens lives but your constant demands and whinging are getting on my nerves and all I feel like doing is just not seeing you at all because you make it so stressful. At this point I am (we are) willing to let you see them on one set day per month but that is all. Any other visits can be arranged as and when but please remember that the more you demand the more inclined we are to say no.

There is no need to be rude, or to fall out. Say what you have to say clearly and concisely and then just get on as normal. Ignore any bad behaviour past that point - change the subject or walk away. It's exactly like dealing with a toddler. Mean what you say though, keep conversations light and breezy and stop letting her get under your skin.

YANBU. Just say it's not convenient and don't budge.

Does your DH have siblings? Would they be up for a get together - one of the days that mil is expecting 'her' children, send her actual children round and ask her if she can spot the difference.

Either say no

Or tell DH if the kids stay over so does HE!'

You can then have a peaceful weekend

Why are people like this?

Because you are letting her be like this. If you said a firm 'no' and stuck to it, then she would likely stop. Conforming to her schedule... as you are apparently doing right now (meeting with her on her chosen weekly day)... of course she will expect you to keep accommodating her.

God I think this would be me if mine lived close enough. Just say no. No no no. They're your children. Not hers.

We fell until the trap of seeing the PIL every weekend for most of a day. Gradually I swapped the days as the Saturday was ruined as I had Sunday lunch hanging over me. Eventually managed to get out of every weekend and now dh will say no, the kids go when they want too just need to stop them ringing so much/at weekends as there's no time for us t have done anything to report.

I've only read the OP but my immediate feeling was to stop all "contracted" visits and see them when it suits YOU. And tell her every time she says it that the children ARE NOT as much hers as yours

No sleepovers and reduce the contact so it is a compromise rather than all on her terms. Thank her profusely for everything she has done, but only allow what you feel is right and nothing more.

I am sorry but your relationship does not sound healthy at all.

The MIL is like this because she’s been allowed to. There’s no mystery to it.

The OP has allowed it. That is all.

If she expects you to show up with your kids, just don't go. and tell her you forgot. Don't discuss any other days she tries to have your kids, just say no. I doubt you'd be able to use her for child care either if you intend to go back to work, she'll drive you nuts.

You really need to learn to say no and mean it. She can strop all she likes. She is part of your extended family, not your nuclear family and she needs to know this.

Agree there is no mystery at all you have allowed her to think she has rights to a certain amount of time with your children! She wants to up that! You need to go back to square one no set days no every weekend no pattern! See her when it suits you but don't let it fall in to a pattern again! Ideally sit her down and tell her the truth but if you don't want to do that just explain as the kids get older there are too many other commitments to keep the arrangements going as they are.

I'd cut back on how much she sees them now- start having a few weekends where you have family plans both days so she stops thinking she's entitled to a whole day at the weekend with them! What a nightmare.

Do you have issues being assertive generally or is this a problem of your DP forcing the family to visit his DM?

You could make plans on the days she wants to see you and wean her off a weekly visit. Your DP needs to support you in this though - you should be in a team making plans that are good for all of you in the family.