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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fucked off with MiL's entitled attitude towards my kids?

173 replies

Neverwasapancakegi7l · 26/10/2017 11:52

She's getting on my nerves.
She sees them twice a week. A full weekend day and I see her a day in the week with my toddler and she sees my other dc for a couple of hours after school too.

She has announced it isn't enough. Shock apparently they are 'as much her children' and she wants them twice a month overnight too. It is fucking ridiculous. We are already contracted in to one day at the weekend for ever more and now apparently she wants two full weekends. They don't stop with my parents either, just for reference. So it isn't that it's unfair and she's losing out.
I'm so fed up. They aren't her kids however much she wishes otherwise and I'm not getting into some permanent arrangement where I don't see them two weekends a month. More to the point they don't want to go. Dc2 is only one and dc1 doesn't want to stop overnight.

Why are people like this? I used to see my grandparents every other weekend, particularly when I got older and started school and other things came up. To my knowledge they never moaned about it.

OP posts:
Hissy · 26/10/2017 12:56

Well said Willow

Bucketsandspoons · 26/10/2017 12:57

All of the above posts!

Totally agree as well as being clear that she's entered batshit territory now and you're not coming too, that you need to gently but very firmly stop the every weekend day, and really think about her having 'her day'. Lots of visits, but on your term and not a pattern that she can make fixed and then becomes an issue as she feels its an entitlement removed when it has to stop.

And it will. When your two are in school, she's going to lose her week day anyway and you'll want your weekends - she'll be demanding half of them! Is nursery or preschool anywhere on the horizon? Is that a potential reason to start making things a lot more flexible and reduce contact a bit? She isn't a nrp however much she is establishing herself as one.

SweetIcedTea · 26/10/2017 12:58

A word of warning, while married I was expected to spend from lunchtime onwards at my PILs house every Sunday, we had to have a good excuse not to go. This didn't apply to their other children/their partners because we had the only Grandchildren.

I'm now divorced and my ex PIL still want me and my children to go every week, I've had a real struggle to manage their expectations, we do go every few weeks, but I'm not prepared to go every week. Can you imagine if I was to start a new relationship, they'd still want us there for Sunday lunch every week.

Same at Christmas, we were expected to be there from lunchtime Christmas day onwards, same Boxing Day, and then for several meals in between Christmas and New Year, then New Years Day lunch.

It's very difficult because they have been very supportive but I'm trying to build a new life. Put your foot down now, break the routine, it only gets harder.

PandorasXbox · 26/10/2017 13:00

I’m sure half of these MIL threads are started for a laugh. The more ridiculous the better. Half the time the OP takes no notice of the replies anyway.

Bucketsandspoons · 26/10/2017 13:03

Another reason to be wary: if you and dh were to split in the future and this arrangement is still going, or if MiL throws a real hissy fit and goes to one of the many solicitors advertising all over the internet and gagging to explore grandparents rights to contact in court, if she can prove an established routine a court may well support the continuation of it.

Taylia · 26/10/2017 13:06

This is crazy, I would be putting my foot down.

I wouldn't put up with not having my children 1 day out of the weekend either. But then I work mon-fri so weekends are precious.

How do you manage holidays? Are you not allowed to go until after "her day" fuck that.

Theresamayscough · 26/10/2017 13:09

Oh ffs!!!!

Me and dh would bloody love some is time. With 5 kids all grown up and grandkids who we all adore but we never have time off. Every weekend we are entertaining one of the buggers. Grin

Your mil is idiotic. Who wants a 1 year old overnight? Seriously we do as it’s a help out but it’s no picnic.

Who are these mils? How old are they? Don’t they have jobs and a social life? All the mils I know in rl are like me and yearn for some me time and less responsibilities not more.

Anyway op just say no no no
And really what can she do.

Theresamayscough · 26/10/2017 13:13

pandoras

I agree I don’t know any mils my age (51) who don’t work or have busy social lives.

Not troll hunting as this may well he genuine but the amount of frankly unbelievable mil threads on here is getting stupid. Not mirroring rl or not my rl experience anyway.

No sane person wants a toddler overnight and getting up ar stupid o clock wen they have done all that with their own kids already. Yes you help out and do overnights but you don’t beg for them ffs.

silkpyjamasallday · 26/10/2017 13:16

Eurgh I feel for you OP, I have an in law like this, demands multiple weekly visits and one whole weekend day without fail, and just 'pops in' on me when she feels like it. She has lost her mother husband sister and best friend all in the last 5 years and has nothing in her life other than DD and her dog. She is incredibly demanding and because I felt so guilty we have barely had a weekend to ourselves since DD was born 13 months ago because of her constant demands. She constantly asks to have DD for a sleepover, despite the fact she is breastfed, cosleeps and said relative is disabled and cannot actually look after DD. No excuse we give, be that other plans or illness is a good enough reason for her to not get her way, and she throws almighty strops with passive aggressive text messages. Thankfully I now have DP on side after she ignored my wishes on shutting the dog out of the room when Dd is toddling about, I was ill and hadn't gone over so she felt she could do what she wanted and the dog knocked DD over and nearly bit DD. I have also caught her giving DD sips of wine! AngrySo we have just started saying no, it bliss as the sulking means I don't have to deal with her again for up to a week. Yes she is lonely and has suffered a lot of losses in the recent past and that is sad, but it is not my responsibility to fill her life at the expense of my own and DDs. Honestly it is totally worth the guilt and the sulking, just say no OP!

NikiBabe · 26/10/2017 13:20

That is as much contact as a divorced non resident parent would get.

Is she mad?

Wreckingball25 · 26/10/2017 13:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Theresamayscough · 26/10/2017 13:24

Well look you don’t have to start these things? It’s as much your fault as your in laws fault.

They can ask and you can say no. Stop being a martyr and woman up! That goes for anyone moaning on the thread that they are ‘expected’ to visit on certain days and for certain hours!

More fool you for agreeing in the guest place

Theresamayscough · 26/10/2017 13:25

If my mum or mil said ‘she’s not yours she’s mine’ I would assume mental instability and never leave unsupervised Hmm

Baileystruffle · 26/10/2017 13:26

Lucky you with free babysitting on hand. I'd love to have a couple of nights a month I could go out with my dh, happy the dc were in good hands.

Underparmummy · 26/10/2017 13:26

OP you need to stop this now. Foot down. NO to the sleepovers and sorry, but we're doing something else next weekend. Stop the expectation.

SugarPlumLairy · 26/10/2017 13:30

Good lord no!
Just NO!
If you're kids made outrageous demands I sure hope you wouldn't give in to them in thus fashion.
Start missing the weekend day she has gotten used to having. Make your own family fun times and special memories and when she gets nasty point out theses are YOUR kids and she has no rights to them. Seriously you need to be head botch in charge she needs to back right off.
I don't know how you put up with it thus long 🙄

HornyTortoise · 26/10/2017 13:32

Your mil is idiotic. Who wants a 1 year old overnight?

Is this really so strange? My parents used to love having the kids overnight when they were very small. From a few months upwards actually. Same for PIL. They used to try and tempt us to book nights out and stuff so that they could have the kids overnight. Was never a problem as we knew how to say no if we didn't want to...just didn't realise it was so odd for people to like small children sleeping over so they get a bit more time with them :S

Heartofglass12345 · 26/10/2017 13:36

I would not be spending a fukk day every weekend with her thats ridiculous! Tell her to have them overnight on the weekend and you and you hubby can have date night and a lie in Grin

Heartofglass12345 · 26/10/2017 13:37

*full Blush also i meant instead of you having to spend the whole day with her lol

IdentityRequest1 · 26/10/2017 13:37

Agree - this is madness, you can't even plan your own weekends?! Tell her you aren't free one weekend, and as DC2 is getting older you want to be having more day trips out at weekend as a family anyway. So you aren't free X weekend. Say it politely, and any fall out just direct to your husband. This is not a situation that will get better on it's own...

Chocolaterainbows · 26/10/2017 13:41

I'm actually slightly jealous. My Mil sees my kids about once every 3 months Confused

Apple23 · 26/10/2017 13:42

Why not cut the weekends down so she has one child one day at the weekend, then the other child the next time?
No need for you to be there, DH can do the drop-off and pick-up. Both children get 1:1 time and she'll manage one easier than two, so they'll have a better time. Easy to swap the children over if one of them has an event that day and she still gets some granny-time, you don't have to see her and DH will put a stop to it once of his own accord it becomes to inconvenient.

Nousernameforme · 26/10/2017 13:43

Why not use this as a good time to bring up the contact you already have. Say no sorry the twice a month thing won't work for us. Incidentally, we are finding the set dates to be quite restricting on our own family activities so we will leave that for now. If you want to take them for a particular day, let us know and we will get back to you if they aren't already busy.
The DC will have lots of weekend partys and groups to start going to as they get older what happens if nana kicks off and says they can't go on her time

PandorasXbox · 26/10/2017 13:45

I am not doubting whether this is true or not. I’m saying all too often someone throws the MIL grenade in the room for you all to froth over then either disappears or says very little.

Interesting.

Notagainmun · 26/10/2017 14:04

My ILS tried this bullying shit with me when I was a young mum. I visited often while DH was at work but instead if staying for a few hours I would get pissed if with the passive aggressive comments and leave.

When DC2 was tiny I flipped and asked them why dud they think we didn't call very often and DH even less. They didn't have a clue that instead of getting their own way by being so shitty they were actually shooting themselves in the foot.