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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be fucked off with MiL's entitled attitude towards my kids?

173 replies

Neverwasapancakegi7l · 26/10/2017 11:52

She's getting on my nerves.
She sees them twice a week. A full weekend day and I see her a day in the week with my toddler and she sees my other dc for a couple of hours after school too.

She has announced it isn't enough. Shock apparently they are 'as much her children' and she wants them twice a month overnight too. It is fucking ridiculous. We are already contracted in to one day at the weekend for ever more and now apparently she wants two full weekends. They don't stop with my parents either, just for reference. So it isn't that it's unfair and she's losing out.
I'm so fed up. They aren't her kids however much she wishes otherwise and I'm not getting into some permanent arrangement where I don't see them two weekends a month. More to the point they don't want to go. Dc2 is only one and dc1 doesn't want to stop overnight.

Why are people like this? I used to see my grandparents every other weekend, particularly when I got older and started school and other things came up. To my knowledge they never moaned about it.

OP posts:
DancingDragon · 26/10/2017 12:04

Say no. Easy. And say she cant have them every weekend either. Shes had her turn with her own kids. This is your time. You'll regret all that lost time with your kids that you gave to her if you dont.

Ellendegeneres · 26/10/2017 12:05

Oh fuck that. You need to make yourself busy on what she sees as her day. Regularly. I find it annoying when my dp want to see me every couple of months on their terms with me doing all the running and bearing all costs let alone someone else's mum and twice a week. I'd never have let it get into that pattern. Just say no.

stitchglitched · 26/10/2017 12:05

Stop this ridiculous every weekend schedule, that's like a contact arrangement for separated parents. This time of year is perfect for finding other activities to do, halloween stuff, then xmas stuff. Just say sorry I've organised to do x activity with the kids this weekend, we will pop over next saturday. Break the habit so that it is no longer expected.

ElfEars · 26/10/2017 12:06

She sounds an awful lot like my MIL. Luckily I saw what she was like with my nieces and nephews before DS was born. She used to correct my nieces when they called her Grandma 'when I'm looking after you I'm Mummy!'. Shock We keep visits to a minimum and she will never look after my DS. If I was you I would reduce contact. Otherwise if she's anything like my MIL it will start as overnights, then she'll ask for the odd week in the holdays here and before you know it she'll be telling you you can't cope and asking the children if they'd rather live with her.

SierraFerrara · 26/10/2017 12:07

Just say no?

MIL: I never see the grand children. I help to raise them so they should stay at my house.
You: That's a lovely offer but no thank you. Did you finish that book you were telling me about...
MIL: Stop changing the subject. They should stay with me stating next week.
You: No but thank you. Fancy a cup of tea?
MIL: But I want them to.
You: No. Thank you for the offer. Now, tea?

See how the power shifts by just repeating the same phrase and refusing to discuss it whilst staying polite? Don't get into justifications or suggest it will be a possibility in the future at some point. She needs to understand it's a no.

Are you happy with how much she sees them now? You don't seem to be?

whiskyowl · 26/10/2017 12:08

BIG GIRL PANTS AND BOUNDARIES!!

Flowers she sound very dominant.

PandorasXbox · 26/10/2017 12:08

You’ve enabled her behaviour.
Time to stop it today.

SaucyJack · 26/10/2017 12:09

Just say No!

But very, very, very, nicely. The time will (probably) come when you're grateful for an enthusiastic babysitter.

RhiannonOHara · 26/10/2017 12:10

Saying they are 'as much her children' is plain fucking weird. And what is this MIL obsession with having grandchildren overnight on their own? It's always coming up on here. My own parents, wonderful grandparents as they were to my nephews when they were children, were always very happy to wave them off at the end of a visit. Grin

'We are already contracted in to one day at the weekend for ever more'. No you're not, and using language like that doesn't help. Get your DH on side and stand the fuck up to her.

Siarie · 26/10/2017 12:10

Sounds like my MIL, she's crazy - genuinely believed she had parental rights over her grand children to decide and override whatever she wanted.

When we confronted her she went loco, started yelling, swearing, screaming, phoning constantly with nothing but alcoholic driven abuse. You can guess how that relationship is now.

But the main thing is that you are the parent, they had their children you get to decide how the boundaries are and if people can't accept that then they tough.

Aderyn17 · 26/10/2017 12:10

I used to get this sort of thing with ILs - the expectation that we would spend every Sunday over there. You end up gettong resentful because you feel your life isn't your own.
You really do have to be brave and tell her that instead of increasing time, you will on fact be reducing it because contrary to her belief, they are not 'as much her children as yours' and this current arrangement isn't working for you!
It does take bravery to have that conversation but in all honesty she isn't worrying about how you feel, so long as she is getting what she wants, so the time has come to reclaim your family.

I did it with mine because I was never getting any weekend time with just dh and my dc and I was fed up of never being able to make other plans without the expectation that we would make up 'their' time.

HardHatForTesco · 26/10/2017 12:11

You are absolutley not contracted to her everyweekend!!!! Just say no!!!!
I could not live my life like this, it will only get worse if you don't sort this out now.

HipToBeSquare · 26/10/2017 12:11

Wow.

And Elf what the actual fuck Shock

Clawdy · 26/10/2017 12:12

She does sound annoying. But I have to say, having brought up my four kids on my own, with no family help on either side, I would probably have swapped with you in a heartbeat!

Jasminedes · 26/10/2017 12:12

Tell her they need more weekend time at home, and give her the days they won't be coming, in advance. You can tell her you want them to treasure their time with her, so not to make it too routine. I would worry that she will become very controlling over them.

LoverOfCake · 26/10/2017 12:13

I don't understand how people let it get to this point.

Contracted to one day a weekend? Where has that come from and how has it come about?

Just say no. Does your DH join in this one day a weekend at his mother's? If not then it's even easier to say no. If so then leave him to it and have a day off every weekend where DH gets to spend the time with his mother and his kids, and make it clear that overnights are non negotiable.

And bear in mind that the kids are only that little for so long and that things, and your thoughts will likely change as time goes on. I.e. My mother and my mil used to do my head in when my DC were little, fast forward to now they're teens and the relationship is different and dictated predominantly by them. And actually the grandparents' attitudes has changed for the most part anyway.

But if while they're toddlers you don't want to spend one day a week with the mil or whoever else, then don't.

Jasminedes · 26/10/2017 12:13

I would be wanting our weekends mainly to ourselves, and maybe visits to family should be whole family visits.

tiredmummy1991 · 26/10/2017 12:13

Be busy on ‘her day’ she isn’t entitled to see them, it is totally up to you and your dh, say no to the overnights cause you dc don’t want them, it’s about what they want not her!

MissFlashpants · 26/10/2017 12:14

OP, genuine question - what on earth are you doing? You have two very small children so you still have time to change this.

You (actually, your DH) need to put a stop to this crap. They are emphatically, demonstrably not her children. If you continue with this you'll be part time parents. And when your kids get old enough they won't want to go all the time anyway, they'll have clubs and friends and playdates that will get in the way.

Better to get all of this on an appropriate footing now, before the kids get older and it becomes 'their fault'. Stand up for your family!!

DartmoorDoughnut · 26/10/2017 12:14

You’re not obliged to do anything. Woman up and tell her no. Make plans with your/your toddler’s friends on her days and tell her you’ll see her soon.

zzzzz · 26/10/2017 12:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KurriKurri · 26/10/2017 12:16

AS soon as she says they are as much her children correct her very firmly - 'what a bizarre idea - of course they aren't'

Counter any suggestions of more contact with 'actually we feel they need to be spending more time with us as a family, so we'll probably cut out the weekend visits, you can visit during the week'

Get the message across that she doesn't call the shots, you do.

ElfEars · 26/10/2017 12:16

I know Hip she's mental. I just feel so lucky that we have older nieces and nephews so we could see what she was like before we had DS. And that my OH knows what she's like and is very firm with her.

mustbemad17 · 26/10/2017 12:16

As somebody who grew up with a very overbearing Nan I say to you please do not allow her to think she has rights over your children. It became exceptionally frustrating as a child to have things arranged or dictated around what she wanted without giving any shits about what we as kids wanted.

Nip it in the bud now. And tell your OH to grow a pair & remind his mother that they are not her offspring & as such she has as much say over what you or they do as the bloody postman does!!!

Carebear1357 · 26/10/2017 12:18

I didn't start staying over at my grandparents until I was about 8. I then called my nan up to see if it was ok as I enjoyed it. It was natural and I would not have liked it if I had been forced twice a month to do it!!

Reduce the hours your mil has them and she'll realise how lucky she's been and will hopefully wind her neck in. She's one of those that given an inch will take a mile by the sounds of it. Just make up excuses as to why they can't cone over e.g. illness.