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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To give up on my Mum friends?

133 replies

silenceisadistantmemory · 26/10/2017 08:34

I’ve got in with a group of about ten women. All have babies roughly the same age. All good, been great to have during the past year.

However, the suggestions of where to meet have switched to always being in a particular place- which would take me an hour and a half and two bus changes to get to. They all drive and I don’t- can’t afford lessons or a car so this is not an option. Meeting these friends would probably be the only time I’d use said car anyway.

I have a very active toddler who will not tolerate that journey on public transport.

Time to give up? It’s depressing.

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 26/10/2017 12:08

"They can deviate as suits the driver, not every other random who wants to go places but not have the expense of owning a car."
Fuck me, I hope you're joking. Or one of a tiny minority. Otherwise I despair of the world, I really do.

messyjessy17 · 26/10/2017 12:10

Joking? No of course not. You saying that as a driver I should give lifts to anyone who needs one, or else I am "mean". Because if it applies to one person, it applies to all, doesn't it?
You despair? I despair that you have so little respect for other peoples time or costs and are so rude to drivers.

IfNot · 26/10/2017 12:19

So...do "randoms" (is this how you refer to your friends?) regularly expect you to ferry them about then Messy?
Have they taken advantage a lot?

Original poster

silenceisadistantmemory · 26/10/2017 12:19

Right, I’m ditching them.

I’ll not be a burden to others.

Wasn’t expecting like lifts. Means you have to stay/leave with the other person.

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 26/10/2017 12:21

"Right, I’m ditching them.

I’ll not be a burden to others."

Count the messages before you do that. And give it one last try. They can't help out if they don't know you need it.

BertrandRussell · 26/10/2017 12:23

"I despair that you have so little respect for other peoples time or costs and are so rude to drivers."
I'm not rude to drivers. I'm rude to mean spirited selfish people!

Original poster

silenceisadistantmemory · 26/10/2017 12:23

They know I can’t drive BTW, it’s the crapness of public transport in that area they probably don’t realise.

OP posts:

mustbemad17 · 26/10/2017 12:31

How many times have you met up? Not being funny, it becomes pretty obvious fairly quickly that somebody doesn't drive or has no access to a car!!

I am glad I am not meeting up with some of you though; if one person out of nine drivers cannot offer someone a lift then there is something drastically wrong with them 😑😑

AuntLydia · 26/10/2017 12:32

Thing is, between 9 of them nobody has to feel obliged to give a lift every meet up! They can work it out between them so OP can get there at least most of the time. Please mention it to someone op - they may be happy to move venue once in a while and offer lifts once in a while. There must be a compromise!

CakesRUs · 26/10/2017 12:32

I’d just be totally honest and say what you’ve said. “Guys, I’m not going to be able to meet up in future because (explain journey and no car). I don’t expect you to change these plans or accommodate me - but I just can’t do this new place. I’ll miss seeing you all though”. See what they say. If they’re all drivers, really, they could’ve taken you into account. I think it’s selfish.

AuntLydia · 26/10/2017 12:34

That's a nice message from Cakes there. Do that.

mustbemad17 · 26/10/2017 12:35

Usual etiquette (round here anyway) is if someone gives you a lift, you buy the first coffee & cake.

When did lifts become such a bloody warzone???

NerrSnerr · 26/10/2017 12:38

With my first I did offer lifts but I was always a bit worried about fitting an unfamiliar car seat in my car. Now I have two children we couldn’t fit a third seat in the back so we don’t have the space.

I would ask if anyone can give you a lift but be aware there might be reasons why not.

freshstart24 · 26/10/2017 12:38

Loads of great advice on this thread.

Another angle to consider is whether some of your time might be better spent trying to make new connections with people who are easier for you to meet with.

I understand why you want to retain contact with this group, but it does sound that it might be tricky. It could get even harder once your LO is bigger especially if you get less free time.

Personally I have found new friendships easier to form and maintain when people live closer, and maybe if you looked at some local groups you might meet some new people. I know its hard going to places where you don't know anyone but its very likely that you will strike up new friendships with people with children of a similar age. Maybe before you know it you will have new friends living a few streets away- great for sharing childcare when life gets busy!!

NerrSnerr · 26/10/2017 12:39

Also are there any baby groups local to where you live? That’s where I met my lasting ‘mum friends’ as meeting up is so easy as none of us have to drive.

SleepingStandingUp · 26/10/2017 12:48

OP as a fellow non driver I think you're making a bit of a drama out of it.

"So shall we meet up at X at 9?"
"I really can't get there that early on the buses as it would mean leaving before 8. Can we male it later?"
See what they say.

"So we meeting at X place as usual?"
"We really can't do any longer - toddler hates being stuck on the bus for that long. Can we do Y next time as thats central for us all?
See what they say.

We split journeys5so have lunch in the middle or i take lots of bus toys to keep mine entertained. If that doesn't work, can you time it around naps?

You say you've been friends for a year bit honestly they're not friends if you a) plan on ditching them because you won't be honest with them b) plan on ditching them without being honest c) can't or won't be honest

PoppyPopcorn · 26/10/2017 12:50

*it’s the crapness of public transport in that area they probably don’t realise.

They almost certainly don't. I haven't been on a bus for years and wouldn't have a clue. It's not something I have to think about. But they won't know IF YOU DON'T TELL THEM.

Ceto · 26/10/2017 12:53

Right, I’m ditching them.

I’ll not be a burden to others.

Seems rather extreme. As many people have pointed out, offering the occasional lift wouldn't necessarily impose any burden given that they're driving there anyway, and indeed they may be glad of the company. OK, you'd have to arrive and leave at the same time, but is that so dreadful that you'd rather give up completely on something you enjoy?

Or how about at least looking into some of the alternatives people have suggested, e.g. cycling or suggesting that they use a venue you can get to more easily, at least some of the time?

Aeroflotgirl · 26/10/2017 12:54

Suggest meeting them near you, and see what they say. Or if you are in a WhatsApp group, ask if anyone can give you a lift. If their unwilling to do either, I would ditch them, they don't sound like friends.

RhiannonOHara · 26/10/2017 12:57

You're being a bit pass-agg.

'They know I can’t drive BTW, it’s the crapness of public transport in that area they probably don’t realise.' So TELL them. 'I really like meeting up with you all but I just can't do this journey with no car and with terrible buses/a restless toddler. How about we meet somewhere that we can all get to easily, like [x location'?'

If they say a flat no, or moan, then they're probably not worth having as friends anyway. But at least you'll know.

tinypop4 · 26/10/2017 12:58

Why would you drop friends over this? If I was in a group of 10 women, 9 of whom could drive and I couldn't, I'd see if anyone had space for me and baby in their car. Get a cheap car seat as a spare.
I'm sure out of 9 drivers one would be fine about this on the basis they'd like to see and include you. If I was one of the 9 I'd most definitely offer.

I have a friend from my 'mum group' when I had DD1 - she didn't drive, the rest of us offered her lifts for meetups and she had a spare car seat. No biggie.

PoppyPopcorn · 26/10/2017 13:02

Don't think that OP is that fussed about continuing the friendship anyway, if she's not even prepared to mention the crap public transport.

hazeyjane · 26/10/2017 13:06

Messyjessy, you really don't need to give people lifts if you don't want to, and don't do it whilst gritting your teeth about the massive favour you are doing them. Doings favour for someone whilst resenting it, is no favour at all.

I would be mortified if I thought that my friends were thinking about me in the way that you do.

Op, be honest with your friends, say, look I struggle to meet up in xyz place because of the shitness of public transport, is there any way we can meet somewhere that is a bit easier to get to, or could I have lift sometimes and I will stump up for coffee/lunch/babysit (or whatever) in return.

Original poster

silenceisadistantmemory · 26/10/2017 13:17

Thing is Poppy, if I do mention it, I’m immediately the diva expecting everything to revolve around me/ lifts everywhere. Nope, that’s just not me.

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 26/10/2017 13:21

No you aren't. And the vast majority of people on this thread say you aren't.

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