To give up on my Mum friends?

[silenceisadistantmemory]

I’ve got in with a group of about ten women. All have babies roughly the same age. All good, been great to have during the past year.

However, the suggestions of where to meet have switched to always being in a particular place- which would take me an hour and a half and two bus changes to get to. They all drive and I don’t- can’t afford lessons or a car so this is not an option. Meeting these friends would probably be the only time I’d use said car anyway.

I have a very active toddler who will not tolerate that journey on public transport.

Time to give up? It’s depressing.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Op has asked to meet at another location, it's not been supportive. If they won't meet in a different location, they certainly won't put the,selves out to give lifts. Op if yiur afraid to ask for lifts, they won't meet occasionally in a location closer to yiu, are not good friends, I would Ditch. They all sound a bit Luke warm tbh.

[cluelessnewmum]

I do think mummy friends are different from real friends in most cases, ie will do what is convenient for most even if it leaves someone out, example from nct is we meet up on a day when most people working part time have a day off which means one girl misses out as her day off us different.

Alot of us have moved out of London now so the meet ups are much less frequent and are based on who has the impetus to invite people over, everyone is expected to make their own way there.

[ZigZagIntoTheBlue]

The majority of my mum friends have the same age oldest child as me, but their second one is older than mine (we waited and had a longer age gap). They consistently want to meet at a place which is unsuitable for my youngest, I've mentioned it several times as the reason for my bowing out but wouldn't expect them to change just for me. I second pp above who said arrange to meet smaller groups closer to you, or invite them to yours etc?

[Happydoingitjusttheonce]

Mum friends tend to come and go because often the only thing you hevdvin common is being a mother. Only one of my close friendships was made because we were mum friends. Are there other groups of mums at places you frequent who you could get involved with?

[messyjessy17]

You ditched all of your friends because they didn't somehow know you were expecting them to offer you lifts all the time ?
I'm sure they were sad about that.

[SleepingStandingUp]

fliptopbin because you refused to be honest with them over how you thought they might react?

[fliptopbin]

I ended up ditching all of my mum friends for this very reason.

[pancakesfortea]

I understand your situation OP. I don't drive. I live in zone 1 central London. Very few people here drive. I joined a local NCT class and made great mates. I stayed put, still live in the same flat ten years later, but they gradually all moved to the burbs, some of them to the same very-awkward-to-get-to burb and that has become the social hub. Understandable because there are more of them than me and also they have bigger houses, gardens etc.

But for me it's a complete pain in the arse. An hour by bus. I've stuck with it because they're great friends, and they do give lifts when they can - sometimes going quite a way out of their way which I'm very grateful for.

So I can see why you're annoyed, but you just have to decide whether they are worth the investment.

[SleepingStandingUp]

I know Urubu but here at least they're much more expensive than a regular cab. Fine for occasional use, not necessarily 30 minute across town every week.

[Ceto]

Thing is Poppy, if I do mention it, I’m immediately the diva expecting everything to revolve around me/ lifts everywhere. Nope, that’s just not me.

FFS, it's not being a diva asking for the occasional lift to somewhere these people are going to anyway. On the other hand, you may be seen as a diva if you are seen to flounce off just because they've gone for a venue you don't like. Does it occur to you that just maybe your friends would like to see you, and to put their wishes above your minor discomfort about asking to meet up somewhere a bit closer occasionally?

[Urubu]

Taxi's are a pita once child is out of the little car seat though. Car seat into taxi, out again, lugged into venue plus child plus possibly buggy and toddler paraphernalia. No taxi's round here provide car seats
You can go in black cabs with DC in buggy. Same as you would on a bus.

[SleepingStandingUp]

What do you mean "this was local"?

You used to meet up somewhere local or you've moved so now you aren't local any more?

Tbh I used to be the person who didn't possibly want to be a burden so just would avoid stuff and people and I realise now its just annoying. People want you there and if there's a reason you can, be honest and see what happens s

[Mammylamb]

I'd be honest and tell your friends that you are struggling to get there and ask that you either meet up nearer or if someone could give you a lift. A couple of us in my "mums" group don't drive and we usually try to meet somewhere accessible to public transport or give lifts. Hope it works out ok as it would be a shame to lose your Mum group; it's a great source of support

[Barbie222]

Thinking about it ten is a big group to manage and easily please. Is there anyone who's happy to use the bus and make a small splinter public transport posse?

[Barbie222]

I think it's one thing giving a lift to an adult, but I couldn't feasibly have offered or taken a lift when I had a double buggy and two car seats. There's a stage between about one and three when car seats aren't really mobile unless you have an extra person walking behind you carrying it. Also most people only really have space for one buggy.

It's a tricky one because if you do things easy for you it might be hard for them to park. I can se both sides here.

[Butterymuffin]

You're being a diva now with all the 'that's not who I am' and 'I won't be a burden' dramatics. Stop that and think about communicating better. Do you actually want to go, or would you rather make a martyr of yourself than be honest with your friends?

Lots of drivers simply don't know where public transport is good, or where it isn't. TELL THEM. Asking for a lift in return for petrol money is fine - people have the right to refuse, but there's no harm in asking. See whether you could get one bus and then one of the group could pick you up from there if it's near their house? Suggest that as you can't get there, maybe every fourth or fifth meet up could be at the old venue so you could join in then? Or send CakesRUs's message and see what comes back. But at the moment you're not doing a lot to help the situation, and there are options.

[Witsender]

Seriously, I'm not sure what you are expecting here. You acknowledge that if they all drive so probably don't give much thought to public transport problems. You've never mentioned it being a problem, yet expect the other 9 people in a group to be thinking of it?

Either ditch them but accept that this is you not them, or grow up and be honest that it is an issue, and suggest a monthly meet somewhere else or something.

[silenceisadistantmemory]

Until a few weeks ago, this was local

[Aeroflotgirl]

If that's what they are saying, than they are not very nice. I would find friends more locally.

[TheLegendOfBeans]

In the nicest way get your head out your arse!

I have a relative that - like you - is used to being super independent, capable and 110% in control.

I am driven bonkers the amount of times shit has gone awry/wrong because she’s too damned proud to ask for help/a lift or to even raise a perfectly valid point about a place I’ve missed because she’s so “DONT WANT TO MAKE A FUSS”.

Just fkkking ask. Unless you want to cut all 9 loose in which case go for it. But - contrary to the regular crackers examples on MN - most folk are reasonable and want to help. Sure you won’t be able to arrive/leave when you want to and you’re mercy to someone else’s timetable but that’s comprimise. Better to be put out for 45 mins than to lose the friendship and support of nine contemporaries.

So send the text and get the ISOFIX seat out of DHs car.

[Catwithglasses]

How often do you meet? Seems odd that it's always has to be in the same place.

I understand - I used to be in a similar position - but I think you have to put a group request out for a lift on occasion, or just say 'can we go somewhere this time that's easier for me to get to?' and gauge the response.

[RosyPony]

“Hi folks, I’m finding it really hard to get to X as toddler isn’t keen on the long bus journeys anymore, do you fancy meeting up at Y in two weeks time? It would be great to catch up!”

Simple. No drama.

[RhiannonOHara]

Why do you keep saying diva about yourself, OP? Has someone accused you of being one? Or do you think it about yourself? You sound somewhat bitter and quite down.

I'll ask again: have your 'friends' said or intimated anything to you about thinking you're behaving like a diva?

[tinypop4]

I do think you're being a bit obstructive as this thread goes on - it's only one meet up outside of town? Have the other Meetups been in your town?
If you're not that bothered about this group then why don't you just attend some local toddler groups instead?

[silenceisadistantmemory]

Thing is, I don’t really want a lift. What I’d like is to meet people in the part of town we met originally.

Which probably makes me a diva.