To give up on my Mum friends?

[silenceisadistantmemory]

I’ve got in with a group of about ten women. All have babies roughly the same age. All good, been great to have during the past year.

However, the suggestions of where to meet have switched to always being in a particular place- which would take me an hour and a half and two bus changes to get to. They all drive and I don’t- can’t afford lessons or a car so this is not an option. Meeting these friends would probably be the only time I’d use said car anyway.

I have a very active toddler who will not tolerate that journey on public transport.

Time to give up? It’s depressing.

[Urubu]

"Mum groups" are not the same as friends friends though.
In this case, I agree that the majority decides.
If it is a short car ride but a long bus journey couldn't you take an Uber? (I don't drive either but do that sometimes)

[Aeroflotgirl]

Is that how they make you feel op, if you suggest a location near you or if they can give you a lift. If they make you feel bad for asking, I just would not bother with them anymore, they are only Fairweather friends.

[SleepingStandingUp]

Thing is Poppy, if I do mention it, I’m immediately the diva expecting everything to revolve around me/ lifts everywhere. Nope, that’s just not me
Who is saying you are the diva expecting everything to revolve around them?
If its them then def ditch them.
If its you, think about how you'd view a friend in the same situation. And give them the benefit of honesty

Do they have form for being bitches?

[SleepingStandingUp]

Taxi's are a pita once child is out of the little car seat though. Car seat into taxi, out again, lugged into venue plus child plus possibly buggy and toddler paraphernalia. No taxi's round here provide car seats

[strugglingtodomybest]

i do think you forget that the mobility of a persons car is for them. The person who pays for and owns the car. They can deviate as suits the driver, not every other random who wants to go places but not have the expense of owning a car.

Sorry, but didn't you object to being called selfish further up the thread? Do you know what selfish means? I think you've typed out a lovely example of it above.

Are you young messy? I'm only asking because my 2 friends who can't drive, can't drive for medical reasons, not because they're too tight to buy a car. Maybe you haven't reached the stage of life yet where people are getting ill? Or maybe you're just lucky that none of your friends have been struck down with debilitating illnesses?

OP, I think you should definitely say something to your friends, unless you're just not bothered about them? Are you sensing that they're never going to be good friends perhaps?

[DarkPeakScouter]

Jeez op, don’t burn your bridges before you’re off them! TELL your friends. If they then choose to not offer lifts then drift away but give them a chance! I had a baby and friends in my mum group were happy to give me lifts ( I’d bake the cake) or say they couldn’t do it.

[hazeyjane]

The 'mum friends' I made when my dad were little are my friend friends!

I don't understand what is diva like about wanting to meet somewhere more accessible or asking for a lift.

I remember when we used to go out with them as babies, my friends ds would scream blue murder in cafe's, so we went to each others houses, met in parks or in soft play - we wouldn't have said, 'ah well, tough tits, we're meeting in Costa, see you later', because we are friends, and, you know.....give and take.

[RhiannonOHara]

if I do mention it, I’m immediately the diva expecting everything to revolve around me/ lifts everywhere.

According to whom? Have these 'friends' said or intimated this to you? If they have then they're not worth having. If you've confected it yourself then you need to, and I mean this kindly, get a grip.

Asking for meet-up locations to vary so you can make it to some of them is hardly 'expecting everything to revolve around' you.

[silenceisadistantmemory]

Thing is, I don’t really want a lift. What I’d like is to meet people in the part of town we met originally.

Which probably makes me a diva.

[tinypop4]

I do think you're being a bit obstructive as this thread goes on - it's only one meet up outside of town? Have the other Meetups been in your town?
If you're not that bothered about this group then why don't you just attend some local toddler groups instead?

[RhiannonOHara]

Why do you keep saying diva about yourself, OP? Has someone accused you of being one? Or do you think it about yourself? You sound somewhat bitter and quite down.

I'll ask again: have your 'friends' said or intimated anything to you about thinking you're behaving like a diva?

[RosyPony]

“Hi folks, I’m finding it really hard to get to X as toddler isn’t keen on the long bus journeys anymore, do you fancy meeting up at Y in two weeks time? It would be great to catch up!”

Simple. No drama.

[Catwithglasses]

How often do you meet? Seems odd that it's always has to be in the same place.

I understand - I used to be in a similar position - but I think you have to put a group request out for a lift on occasion, or just say 'can we go somewhere this time that's easier for me to get to?' and gauge the response.

[TheLegendOfBeans]

In the nicest way get your head out your arse!

I have a relative that - like you - is used to being super independent, capable and 110% in control.

I am driven bonkers the amount of times shit has gone awry/wrong because she’s too damned proud to ask for help/a lift or to even raise a perfectly valid point about a place I’ve missed because she’s so “DONT WANT TO MAKE A FUSS”.

Just fkkking ask. Unless you want to cut all 9 loose in which case go for it. But - contrary to the regular crackers examples on MN - most folk are reasonable and want to help. Sure you won’t be able to arrive/leave when you want to and you’re mercy to someone else’s timetable but that’s comprimise. Better to be put out for 45 mins than to lose the friendship and support of nine contemporaries.

So send the text and get the ISOFIX seat out of DHs car.

[Aeroflotgirl]

If that's what they are saying, than they are not very nice. I would find friends more locally.

[silenceisadistantmemory]

Until a few weeks ago, this was local

[Witsender]

Seriously, I'm not sure what you are expecting here. You acknowledge that if they all drive so probably don't give much thought to public transport problems. You've never mentioned it being a problem, yet expect the other 9 people in a group to be thinking of it?

Either ditch them but accept that this is you not them, or grow up and be honest that it is an issue, and suggest a monthly meet somewhere else or something.

[Butterymuffin]

You're being a diva now with all the 'that's not who I am' and 'I won't be a burden' dramatics. Stop that and think about communicating better. Do you actually want to go, or would you rather make a martyr of yourself than be honest with your friends?

Lots of drivers simply don't know where public transport is good, or where it isn't. TELL THEM. Asking for a lift in return for petrol money is fine - people have the right to refuse, but there's no harm in asking. See whether you could get one bus and then one of the group could pick you up from there if it's near their house? Suggest that as you can't get there, maybe every fourth or fifth meet up could be at the old venue so you could join in then? Or send CakesRUs's message and see what comes back. But at the moment you're not doing a lot to help the situation, and there are options.

[Barbie222]

I think it's one thing giving a lift to an adult, but I couldn't feasibly have offered or taken a lift when I had a double buggy and two car seats. There's a stage between about one and three when car seats aren't really mobile unless you have an extra person walking behind you carrying it. Also most people only really have space for one buggy.

It's a tricky one because if you do things easy for you it might be hard for them to park. I can se both sides here.

[Barbie222]

Thinking about it ten is a big group to manage and easily please. Is there anyone who's happy to use the bus and make a small splinter public transport posse?

[Mammylamb]

I'd be honest and tell your friends that you are struggling to get there and ask that you either meet up nearer or if someone could give you a lift. A couple of us in my "mums" group don't drive and we usually try to meet somewhere accessible to public transport or give lifts. Hope it works out ok as it would be a shame to lose your Mum group; it's a great source of support

[SleepingStandingUp]

What do you mean "this was local"?

You used to meet up somewhere local or you've moved so now you aren't local any more?

Tbh I used to be the person who didn't possibly want to be a burden so just would avoid stuff and people and I realise now its just annoying. People want you there and if there's a reason you can, be honest and see what happens s

[Urubu]

Taxi's are a pita once child is out of the little car seat though. Car seat into taxi, out again, lugged into venue plus child plus possibly buggy and toddler paraphernalia. No taxi's round here provide car seats
You can go in black cabs with DC in buggy. Same as you would on a bus.

[Ceto]

Thing is Poppy, if I do mention it, I’m immediately the diva expecting everything to revolve around me/ lifts everywhere. Nope, that’s just not me.

FFS, it's not being a diva asking for the occasional lift to somewhere these people are going to anyway. On the other hand, you may be seen as a diva if you are seen to flounce off just because they've gone for a venue you don't like. Does it occur to you that just maybe your friends would like to see you, and to put their wishes above your minor discomfort about asking to meet up somewhere a bit closer occasionally?

[SleepingStandingUp]

I know Urubu but here at least they're much more expensive than a regular cab. Fine for occasional use, not necessarily 30 minute across town every week.