Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

AIBU?

To give up on my Mum friends?

133 replies

silenceisadistantmemory · 26/10/2017 08:34

I’ve got in with a group of about ten women. All have babies roughly the same age. All good, been great to have during the past year.

However, the suggestions of where to meet have switched to always being in a particular place- which would take me an hour and a half and two bus changes to get to. They all drive and I don’t- can’t afford lessons or a car so this is not an option. Meeting these friends would probably be the only time I’d use said car anyway.

I have a very active toddler who will not tolerate that journey on public transport.

Time to give up? It’s depressing.

OP posts:

Report

VioletCharlotte · 26/10/2017 09:12

OP irl most people have no issue giving lifts occasionally to people who can't drive. So long as you've got a car seat and it wouldn't take them miles out of their way, I'm sure your friends won't mind a bit. Just offer to buy their coffee when you arrive to show your appreciation!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 26/10/2017 09:12

I'd definitely reply and say "I don't drive so it'd be a 2 hour journey to X on the bus (unless anyone has room in the car for us, I have a seat available). Any chance we could move to Y location? Otherwise I'll have to skip this one". If none of them bite, I'd be happy to ditch them for being selfish. I would have been happy to give lifts when I had one child, less so now that I have two as even when DD1 is out at school removing and refitting her car seat is a pain. I'd be happy to meet somewhere convenient though.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 26/10/2017 09:13

But do people have spare car seats? I don't. And my friends who don't drive also tend not to have car seats - does the OP?

Papafran · 26/10/2017 09:15

However, giving lifts is not as straightforward as everyone on this thread seems to suggest. Does the OP have a car seat, if no car? Do the other mums already have wrong sized car seats in place which they don't want to move (it's always a faff). I am often unable to offer lifts where I would like to do so for car seat reasons.

Come on, moving a car seat is no more than a minor inconvenience if you think about it. It's the same as when people say that they can't offer a lift because it would mean an extra 10 minutes journey time. It's pretty selfish if you can't remove a seat and then put it back again. However, it is true that the OP's child needs a seat though, so if nobody has a spare and the OP doesn't have one, that would be difficult.

teaortequila23 · 26/10/2017 09:15

If they know it’s hard for you and they are not willing to change the location then do you even want to hang around with ppl who don’t care your on a bus for 2hrs.

Chimchar · 26/10/2017 09:19

To be fair to the group, if you don’t tell them that it’s a journey of hell to get to the venue, and you just stop going, they will think that you’re not wanting to join in.
I agree with all the other posters who say you must speak up.

Maybe you could suggest somewhere closer to you with the reason why.
If they’re good friends, they will help you out.

I hope you can get this sorted. Weekly meet ups with my ‘Mum’ friends saved my sanity when my kids were small.

hazeyjane · 26/10/2017 09:22

I don't drive (have tried and failed multiple times), but have always just said to friends, 'sorry I'm going to struggle to get to xyz place' - I ended up with people often coming round to mine, but also had friends who seemed happy to help out (of course they might have been rolling their eyes and whinging about me behind my back, but hey ho).

I was also the annoying one who had 2 babies a year apart and lived in the arse end of shitsville when they were babies.......god they hated me didn't they!

HolyShet · 26/10/2017 09:22

"I'd love to see you all but it's an hour and a half and two buses to get to X. Could we try X instead this week?"

Or just try to meet one who lives nearer

Is it NCT?

strugglingtodomybest · 26/10/2017 09:26

Would that not make me the annoying friend who expects to be given lifts all the time?

People get torn apart on here for that!

They do. But in real life there are plenty of people willing to help their friends out.

I have 2 friends who don't drive and I, and the rest of their friends, am happy to help them out with lifts. They provide the car seats and I'm quite happy to spend 2 mins moving one of mine out the way.

SnorkellingCat · 26/10/2017 09:27

Could you offer your own car seat and to split any parking costs? It's not so cheeky then really is it?

silenceisadistantmemory · 26/10/2017 09:30

This means I need to buy another car seat, argh. We have an isofix one in my husbands car.

I’m an older FTM who until the sixth month of pregnancy, had cycled everywhere for 25 years. Not used to car etiquette!

OP posts:

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 26/10/2017 09:40

No need to buy another car seat OP! Isofix seats are easy to move, and your friends cars will almost all have isofix.

I on the other hand drive a 17 year old car, hence why it's a palaver to install car seats correctly.

Serialweightwatcher · 26/10/2017 09:45

Just send a group message and say it's too hard for you to get there for the reasons you set out here and see what happens from there - bit selfish of them all to not realise how hard it is for you

FloatingCamel · 26/10/2017 09:45

Could you start cycling again now?

Willow2017 · 26/10/2017 09:49

Asking to meet somewhere else now and again is not being a diva. They should be happy to meet where everyone can get to.
If you have arranged things and they didnt come then they really are not friends. I would never expect someone to go to those lengths to meet up i would expect to meet at different places to accommodate everyone so no one gets left out.

Tell them how difficult it is to get there and ask if you can meet closer to you sometimes. As they all drive it shouldn't be a problem. If they dont then you know where you stand.

RhiannonOHara · 26/10/2017 09:55

I don't know why people are focusing on the driving, and implying that the OP is being awkward or should suck it up because she doesn't drive.

However you get there, always meeting in the same place is only fair if it's a spot to which everyone has to travel approximately the same distance. The other fair way of doing it is by cycling locations so that different people have an easy journey and a longer journey every time.

MonkeyJumping · 26/10/2017 10:01

I don't think anybody has said the op is being awkward, in fact lots of us have told her to speak up and ask for lifts.

ZoopDragon · 26/10/2017 10:07

I would simply say it's too difficult for me to get there on the bus, and wait for someone to offer a lift. It nobody offers (knowing you can't make it otherwise) they probably don't want you there. I don't mean to sound harsh, but a group of friends always meeting at a place that's inaccessible to one person sounds like they're excluding on purpose.

If it's just thoughtlessness, they will arrange a meeting place you can get to or give you a lift.

Alternatively can you invite a few of them to your home or somewhere near you?

SnorkellingCat · 26/10/2017 10:09

Could you cycle half way or where you get the second bus then get on the bus at that point?

ZoopDragon · 26/10/2017 10:10

And do offer petrol/parking money. I expect most of your friends have isofix so your seat will fit in their car.

Crunchymum · 26/10/2017 10:14

Majority rules I'm afraid.

If the venue suits 9 out of 10 people the sadly that is the venue.

Could be many reasons it suits to meet where they do - the majority of people could live closer to the venue/s, which seems fair enough to me?

It's shit OP but no one is obligated to drive you. I say this as a non driver thankfully I'm city centre so it's rare for my driver friends to need their cars anyway

Merryhobnobs · 26/10/2017 10:22

It is really hard isn't it? I didn't have a car either and it meant I had to miss out on a few things - I think people thought I was just silly for not having a car and they all were so used to having cars that organising things to be more public transport suited never ever crossed their minds. I did get lifts a couple of times but I hated being a nuisance and I don't like not being independent. It depends on how friendly you are - you could be honest and say I really want to see you all but I just can't get to that location, next time can we go to x instead? Or have them at your house? I do now have a car as I am back at work and unfortunately the bus route had changed and timings were not working out for nursery etc. Although everyone in our group is also back at work so it's even harder to all meet up now. We do now meet up in 2s or 3s for walks, coffee occasionally instead of all 5 of us.

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

BertrandRussell · 26/10/2017 10:23

"Could be many reasons it suits to meet where they do - the majority of people could live closer to the venue/s, which seems fair enough to me?"
What rubbish. They have cars! And presumably we're not talking a 40 mile journey?

hazeyjane · 26/10/2017 10:28

majority rules that's harsh! I think I'm fortunate that my friends have more of a no-one gets left behind! attitude.

KanyeWesticle · 26/10/2017 10:29

Explain and give them a chance to fix it. If they are good friends they will want to make it easier for you.

If they don't, no loss (they reveal their selfishness, which proves you right - you were going to ditch them anyway).

Don't be put out they are not mindreading and anticipating your struggles - tell them.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.