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AIBU?

To give up on my Mum friends?

133 replies

silenceisadistantmemory · 26/10/2017 08:34

I’ve got in with a group of about ten women. All have babies roughly the same age. All good, been great to have during the past year.

However, the suggestions of where to meet have switched to always being in a particular place- which would take me an hour and a half and two bus changes to get to. They all drive and I don’t- can’t afford lessons or a car so this is not an option. Meeting these friends would probably be the only time I’d use said car anyway.

I have a very active toddler who will not tolerate that journey on public transport.

Time to give up? It’s depressing.

OP posts:

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messyjessy17 · 26/10/2017 10:37

Lot of people very presumptuous here about lifts, and very rude about those who have no desire to be unpaid taxi drivers for people.
First off they are a mum group OP has only known a year, so its not like they are true friends at all.
Secondly this attitude of you're so selfish if you don't give a lift thats only 20 mins out of your way...right so I should drive 20 mins to someones house, provide a car seat or move my car seats out of the way (and no we don't have isofix ) drive to the venue, make sure I leave at a time that suits them, drive back to theirs, drive another 20 mins home...all because they don't drive? And how often am I meant to do it, once a week or twice? Every week? And for every non driver I know?

I give people lifts, as and when it suits me. But that kind of arrangement is a hassle for one side and taken for granted by the other. And you've some cheek calling people selfish if they won't do it.

hazeyjane · 26/10/2017 10:45

Fair do's messyjessy - you only have to say no!

RhiannonOHara · 26/10/2017 10:46

Yes, you're right, Monkey; I should have read more carefully!

messyjessy17 · 26/10/2017 10:46

I would probably say yes actually, but my point was about posters calling other women selfish bitches for not immediately offering themselves as a taxi service.
Women would say yes because they know that kind of woman would be bitching and calling them names if they didn't.

hazeyjane · 26/10/2017 10:51

Do you know what, if my friends played the game of 'well she's a pain in the arse not being able to drive...' And, 'ptcha, what a bitch not offering xxxx a lift' ......I don't think I could be arsed. Don't groups of friends have a bit of give and take? I help out friends, they help me out.....its nice.

Lethaldrizzle · 26/10/2017 10:54

I read about this new app called mush which is like tinder for mums. Get some new closer friends!

messyjessy17 · 26/10/2017 10:56

Don't groups of friends have a bit of give and take?

Yes, but if someone is driving you around the place you are taking. What are you giving?

hazeyjane · 26/10/2017 10:57

Really, driving is the only currency of friendship? Who knew.

BertrandRussell · 26/10/2017 10:58

"Lot of people very presumptuous here about lifts, and very rude about those who have no desire to be unpaid taxi drivers for people"
Are they? Show me where so that I can add some extra rudeness!

messyjessy17 · 26/10/2017 11:02

You were the one who said "it's a lift, not a bloody kidney". And several other posters said it was selfish and thoughtless of people not to offer lifts.
It's not just one lift though is it? It's every time. And you've no idea how far these people live from OP anyway.

EsmeWeatherwax · 26/10/2017 11:04

I’m sorry, but I’d be mortified if I thought somebody from my group of friends was feeling left out because they can’t drive, and I would go out of my way to go pick them up. OP, I’d definitely say something, tactfully as has been previously mentioned, and if you get no response then I’d rethink the group.

I’m permanently giving lifts to people on nights out etc, as I rarely if ever drink, and it never bothers me at all. I’d much rather everybody was there and having a nice time. Although if you’re getting lifts all the time I’d also offer money for petrol etc.

IfNot · 26/10/2017 11:07

God that's mean. Some people who drive are clueless about how inconvenient public transport is though so you should definitely say something. I wouldn't think twice about giving you a lift. But then I don't get the people who act like letting you in their car is the greatest of impositions. I often give my friend a heads up when I'm planning a trip to Lidl a few miles away cos she has no car ( and can't afford lessons right now-it's very expensive!). I'm going anyway, so if I can take someone else why wouldn't I? Such selfishness is the reason our roads are heaving. In fact 9 people going to the same place should be car sharing if possible anyway.

messyjessy17 · 26/10/2017 11:12

*I wouldn't think twice about giving you a lift. But then I don't get the people who act like letting you in their car is the greatest of imposition

Easy enough to say on here, but what if OP lives 20 mins drive from you and the meet ups are twice a week?
Wouldn't be calling it mean not to pick her up every time then. would you?

Jerseysilkvelour · 26/10/2017 11:15

Have they chosen this place because it's toddler friendly I.e. A soft play? As you've all hung around together this long before it's been an issue, I'm guessing you all live quite near each other anyway. Toddlers become hard to accommodate anywhere around that age which is why I'm guessing 10 mums with toddlers would head for a soft play.....

I'm sure one of them could give you a lift - I was always the one without a car and I just had my own car seat and asked for a ride from someone if needed.

If all else fails, at least it won't be winter forever and you can meet in public parks. But I would explain to them what the issue is rather than just drop out of the group.

Jerseysilkvelour · 26/10/2017 11:17

Ooh and I always chip in for petrol or buy coffees etc when I've kindly been given a lift somewhere with my child.

BertrandRussell · 26/10/2017 11:18

"You were the one who said "it's a lift, not a bloody kidney"
I know I did. But I didn't think that was particularly rude- I was hoping for the opportunity to be ruder.

LadyLoveYourWhat · 26/10/2017 11:23

Think it's bonkers that the group take 9 cars to the same place anyway, when my baby group visited the mums who were further away from the main bunch we'd share the driving and take three full cars rather than 6 half empty ones. What a waste!

hazeyjane · 26/10/2017 11:25

Thhhrrrppppppfffffffftttttttt

There you go Bertrand, although I'm never really sure how to best type a raspberry.

Ceto · 26/10/2017 11:25

The MN objection to lifts is usually in relation to people taking the piss, e.g. expecting a lift every day or every week, expecting the lift giver to change their plans in order to give the lift, expecting the lift giver to go out of their way etc. I suspect that that wouldn't really apply in this case - there's very likely to be more than one person who is able to offer, and you could reduce the burden on them by offering to cycle or take the bus to and from their house.

Ineedfun · 26/10/2017 11:27

Just say you would love to come but it's hard to get to. I give people lifts all the time and it's no bother. You're driving anyway do what the difference? The ISO fix car seat is easily moved.

BertrandRussell · 26/10/2017 11:31

I do think that some people forget how very mobile cars are. They can go to all sorts of places. Including deviating from their normal routes. And they are quite fast too-a couple of miles out of there way takes no time at all!

IfNot · 26/10/2017 11:39

what if OP lives 20 mins drive from you and the meet ups are twice a week? Wouldn't be calling it mean not to pick her up every time then. would you?
If they persistently arrange stuff twice a week she can't get to then yes, they are mean. And no, it wouldn't bother me to go get someone. It's 20 mins drive, not trekking up the Andes. But then, I had no car for years (couldn't afford it) so I am happy to be able to. And I have never actually met anyone who has been cheeky about lifts. I suspect they only exist in MN land..

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Firenight · 26/10/2017 11:41

My NCT group did similar: meet ups all booked for my work days. I took the hint and sought new friends. Those new friends are still close 7 and a half years on.

PoppyPopcorn · 26/10/2017 11:42

Think it's bonkers that the group take 9 cars to the same place anyway,

Impossible to say whether it's "bonkers" or not without knowing where everyone lives in relation to the place being visited. In my circle of friends sharing lifts is very common and I'm always grateful for any arrangement dropping off/picking up kids which means I get three kids once every three weeks rather than my own child weekly.

But this is all academic - OP has not told her friends that the reason she's turning down invitations is down to logistics. They don't know she can't drive.

messyjessy17 · 26/10/2017 12:05

I do think that some people forget how very mobile cars are. They can go to all sorts of places. Including deviating from their normal routes. And they are quite fast too-a couple of miles out of there way takes no time at all!

i do think you forget that the mobility of a persons car is for them. The person who pays for and owns the car. They can deviate as suits the driver, not every other random who wants to go places but not have the expense of owning a car.

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