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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

....to not invite this girl to my daughter's party because she's a nightmare!!!

783 replies

smokinhotchilli · 25/10/2017 23:27

This is so tricky! And all this is new to me so any advice would be great.
My daughter has been friends with a girl called Rose (made up name) for two years. They are both 4. There's a group of kids who have been close since nursery & they have all started school & are in the same class.
Have never been very close to Rose's mum but the girls occasionally meet up at weekends .... Or used to...
Since starting school, Rose has become a bit of a nightmare. According to my daughter, none of the group want to play with her, she hits, shouts, pushes, doesn't listen and is really naughty (all told to me by my daughter & the other kids) and they often tell the teacher .... I've seen Rose doing all of this before & after school.
My daughter is refusing to have her at her birthday party which is really soon & won't invite her. The mum texted to ask what's happening for my daughters birthday...
What would you do?
AIBU to ask the mum if everything is ok at home & mention Rose's behaviour in a gentle & considerate way? And then explain that my daughter doesn't want her at the party? Arghhhhh! Don't want to upset anyone.

OP posts:
Willow2017 · 26/10/2017 14:33

Op has already said that rose has hit and scratched her dd.
She has also said she has seen rose doing this outside school.
The party is not exclyding rose. Only some of the nursery friends and some new friends are invited.

Friendships change. Rose isnt a best friend being suddenly dropped. Op said they only met out of school occaisionaly and she isnt friends with her mother. There is no obligation to invite her.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 26/10/2017 14:44

The op said that this behaviours has only just started. IF she had undiagnosed sen it’s unlikely she would have started behaving like this age 4 imo. As you said she would have been assumed naughty before then.
It’s a real shame that the majority of sympathy on here lies for the 4 yr old who may not be invited to a party along with the vast majority of her class rather than the 4yr olds who are being hit, scratched and called names.
I don’t think anyone is comparing adult and child relationships as like for like but I do think it’s important that children learn to set boundaries about what behaviour they are and aren’t willing to put up with from others from the off. No-one should be forced into being friends with someone or having them at their party.

MeAndMyElephant · 26/10/2017 15:02

It's your DDs birthday. Surely she can invite who she likes. She should not have to invite somone who hits her.
I would not talk to the mum - that would cause so many problems. I would text her saying your dd has chosen to have a very small party with just a few friends this year, but you look forward to seeing her for a coffee soon.

newnameforthis1 · 26/10/2017 15:04

Corbyn if Rose has undiagnosed SEN it is in fact EXTREMELY likely that starting school would create a change in behaviour. If the needs are EDUCATIONAL (and the clue is in the name Special Educational Needs) then the issues they create very often do not appear until a child starts school.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 26/10/2017 15:08

Second not talking to the mum. When kids behaviour is that bad they know. And I’ve never known of a parent be anything other than defensive when their child’s behaviour is questioned.
Your child is entitled to invite whoever she wants to her party. She isn’t excluding one child from the class. Why anyone would expect a child who is unkind to her to be included in the 5 or 6 children is baffling. They aren’t best friends. They aren’t destined to be friends for life. The other kid doesn’t have an automatic right to an invitation because they went to nursery together regardless of how she treats people.
If she doesn’t get many party/play date invitations and other children aren’t keen on playing with her she might actually change her behaviour.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 26/10/2017 15:12

Reception is very similar to nursery. Things can be exacerbated by change but a child doesn’t go from being fine to not. They won’t even diagnose ND conditions if no symptoms present before 3.
I guess it’s not impossible that the child had issues the op was previously unaware of but NT children also behave badly.
And sen would not mean that the ops dad has to accept being hit.

permatiredmum · 26/10/2017 15:18

When kids start school they suddenly have much wider friendship options.They will often grow apart from nursery friends, and the same thing happens again when they start secondary school.
I cannot see how forcing your DD to have someone who is mean to her at her party teaches your DD ANYTHING except that her feelings are not important to you.I certainly think it is unlikely to make her feel more kindly towards Rose!

MarieAntoinettezzz · 26/10/2017 15:27

A child having any sort of SEN doesn't mean that other children have to be friend with them (out of pity??) or that they should accept what should be unacceptable behaviours (such as being hit).

It's an explanation as to why you might want to be more lenient. As an adult (but please note that a lot of adults find that hard, very hard and that it still doesn't mean you should accept everything). Expecting that from a 4yo (who is still very very young and still learning about self control and boundaries and social relationhsip) is, IMO, a dream.

leighdinglady · 26/10/2017 15:47

I feel a bit sorry for rose with 4/5 girls saying they don’t want her at the party. I would wonder whether she is aware of that and feels pushed out. Kids don’t tend to be diplomatic when they dislike someone! I’d encourage DD to invite her (not force) and try to make it an enjoyable party where they make friends. Or maybe get them together for a play date before? Any sign of hitting etc, get the Mum to take her home

GrapesAreMyJam · 26/10/2017 16:02

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 26/10/2017 16:12

If you go around hitting people and calling them names they tend to not want to spend time with you. There could be a valuable lesson there for this child if the adults don’t start trying to force friendships.
Would people on here be happy if a teacher tried to force their child to play with another who was hitting them and calling them names? I doubt it yet the ops dad is expected to have this child at her party!
The ops dd might have to put up with this girls behaviour to an extent at school but she shouldn’t be made to put up with it in her own home.

FrancisCrawford · 26/10/2017 16:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jaxhog · 26/10/2017 16:50

I think you have to have your daughter's back here and tell the mum honestly why Rose cannot come to the party.
You need to respect your daughters decision not to invite her. Otherwsie she'll be learning that her views are not always respected.

Cockmagic · 26/10/2017 16:56

It depends on the party, is it a big disco type do it just a handful of kids?

If it's the former it would be really mean not to invite her, she's probably having difficulties adjusting.

FrancisCrawford · 26/10/2017 17:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Willow2017 · 26/10/2017 17:01

Leigh
Its really not up to op or her dd to find out if rose can behave around her daughter or not. If she is doing it at school thats enough reason not to invite her.

There is a mix of boys and girls at the party she isnt being singled out at all.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 26/10/2017 17:11

If she is doing it at school thats enough reason not to invite her.

I think it's largely irrelevant. The OP tells DD she can invite 5 children to her party. DD says 'Chloe, Jamie, Isaac, Amelia and Sam'. The OP invites them as instructed, there is no need to invite Rose even if she wasn't hitting, this is reception where their friendships are transient anyway. Perfectly reasonable and Rose's mum texting the OP is just Hmm

GreenTulips · 26/10/2017 17:52

The OP tells DD she can invite 5 children to her party. DD says 'Chloe, Jamie, Isaac, Amelia and Sam'. The OP invites them as instructed, there is no need to invite Rose even if she wasn't hitting

Totally agree with this, just think of Eva Tim an Alice who haven't been invited and haven't been hitting the other children- they aren't invited either

The mother however is cheeky trying to gin an invite - bully boy tactics - not surprised reply

hiddley · 26/10/2017 18:17

I'm surprised the mother even knows when your dd's birthday is coming up. I wouldn't have a clue of kids birthdays. Your dd must be mentioning it at school and Rose has possibly heard that she is persona non grata and has told her Mum.

PortiaCastis · 26/10/2017 18:19

I wonder if anyone is hitting rose

crunchermuncher · 26/10/2017 18:30

I wonder if anyone is hitting Rose
Worth exploring the circumstances with DD but I would beware of how you broach this. Otherwise you would be just teaching your kid that you don't believe her and your first thought is that if anything bad happens to her, it's probably her fault. Which is an extremely dangerous message! Presumably OP knows whether her DD has a tendency to telling porkies to get out of trouble/ blaming others. It doesn't sound like that's the case.

OP don't make this your DDs responsibility to fix. Help her learn boundaries. Please don't make her birthday party all about someone else. What kind of message is that?

Nanny0gg · 26/10/2017 18:49

I guess to me it comes under the 'do as you would be done by' umbrella

If it was your little 4-year-old girl whose behaviour was so bad other kids were all talking about her, what would you want the parents to do? Leave her out of parties, or talk to you about it?

This, with bells on.

And comparing a 4 year old who hasn't fully learnt how to function in society (as we see it) yet with adult friends and colleagues is frankly, nonsense.

Willow2017 · 26/10/2017 19:02

She is not the only child in class not going to the party.

It really is down to the birthday girl. She can invite just a few friends for her party. Does she chose friends or pick the person who hits and scratches her and leaves out one who doesnt?

Why should rose get preferential treatment over the girls other friends? Friendships change and evolve once at school. Its not set in concrete.

Most schools advise parents not to discuss behaviour at school with other parents outside school anyway. As long as school are dealing with it which is ops priority.

JingsMahBucket · 26/10/2017 19:54

If it was your little 4-year-old girl whose behaviour was so bad other kids were all talking about her, what would you want the parents to do? Leave her out of parties, or talk to you about it?

Why not both? The two are not mutually exclusive. Talk to the mum about her bad behaviour and not invite her to the party. When Rose is better behaved, then she be invited to future parties. Until she shapes up and reigns it in, then no invites for her. Simple.

Original poster
smokinhotchilli · 26/10/2017 20:20

Hello MN!
I've been out most of today.
I have just looked and seen 350 comments here. Wow
Am never going to have time to look at them all but I'm gonna try.
I guess I posted here last night because I genuinely don't know what to do. I tried reversing it on my daughter today & asked how she'd feel if she wasn't invited to Rose's party & everyone else was. She said she'd feel sad, so I asked if she thought Rose would feel sad about being left out of her little party & she said 'yes but I feel sad when she shouts at me and calls me names & i don't want that to happen at my party'
All the parents are invited too & her mum or dad would be there.
Still don't know what to do.....

OP posts:
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