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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

....to not invite this girl to my daughter's party because she's a nightmare!!!

783 replies

smokinhotchilli · 25/10/2017 23:27

This is so tricky! And all this is new to me so any advice would be great.
My daughter has been friends with a girl called Rose (made up name) for two years. They are both 4. There's a group of kids who have been close since nursery & they have all started school & are in the same class.
Have never been very close to Rose's mum but the girls occasionally meet up at weekends .... Or used to...
Since starting school, Rose has become a bit of a nightmare. According to my daughter, none of the group want to play with her, she hits, shouts, pushes, doesn't listen and is really naughty (all told to me by my daughter & the other kids) and they often tell the teacher .... I've seen Rose doing all of this before & after school.
My daughter is refusing to have her at her birthday party which is really soon & won't invite her. The mum texted to ask what's happening for my daughters birthday...
What would you do?
AIBU to ask the mum if everything is ok at home & mention Rose's behaviour in a gentle & considerate way? And then explain that my daughter doesn't want her at the party? Arghhhhh! Don't want to upset anyone.

OP posts:

Lethaldrizzle · 26/10/2017 11:41

My dd had a girl in her class that she complained about alot- the word bullying was used. Invited said girl for playdate now they are good friends!

Milkandtwosugars · 26/10/2017 11:41

I haven’t read the whole thread but my DD is in reception and my DS is in year one. They know when they don’t want to be friends with someone.
My DS had his finger fractured by a boy in his class (we had to go to A&E and he had a splint) and he said from now on that he doesn’t want to play with him.

If your DD doesn’t want Rose there then it’s her choice. I don’t understand why people are saying to override her - it’s her birthday party!

I would just say she’s picked a few people but keeps changing her mind, currently Rose isn’t on the list but you’ll let her know if your daughter changes her mind again!

I’m going through a similar thing, I have been friends with someone for nearly 5 years now and our DS are the same age. My friends DS can be a bit loud and in your face. My children aren’t like that at all and have decided they don’t want to see him anymore. I’m not going to force a friendship when they don’t want to. My children being happy is more important to me.
Unfortunately he’s starting the same school as my children soon so I’m worried about latching on. But I’m also to scared to tell the Mum so I’ve been making excuses not to see them. It’s going to be obvious soon, I’m dreading it. I don’t know what class he’ll be in yet either, so may end up with DS!

grimeofthecentury · 26/10/2017 11:42

Oh I also know a three year old who was millimetres from being blinded in one eye by a four year old who threw a rock at her and screamed "I hate you"

You'll probably have some sarky comment to respond as you seem so determined that kids can't be nasty & hurtful. By any chance is your own child one that assaults other kids but is excused by you for whatever reason?

hiddley · 26/10/2017 11:42

Where the hell are you rearing these 4 year old hoodlums? I give up on this thread. Next I'll be hearing Rose's surname is West and she's a serial killer. Mad I tells ya. Madz!

grimeofthecentury · 26/10/2017 11:43

I live in a nice town in the north. It's really quite common. You sound a bit strange to be honest.

Wooooooopsadaisy · 26/10/2017 11:48

hiddly you'd be surprised. By three year old was badly hurt (deep scratches that's bleed and scarred), he went for her eyes. He was also three. Dd was really scared and shook up, hurt.

Closest time I've ever come to hurting a child that day. His mother gave a weak 'xxxx don't do that, apologise ...'

His older brother burnt a shed down last bonfire night.

Families do exist like that

hiddley · 26/10/2017 11:48

Nope. No violence ever on ds' part. Not even the token biting at Montessori. It's really not quite common. Never been the victim of violence by the 4 year old Mafia mob either.

RhiWrites · 26/10/2017 11:49

I'm staggered at the amount of people who (based on no evidence at all) have decided the larger group are bullying, excluding, and being mean to Rose. One person said DD can't be that upset since she isn't crying every night and accused her of "telling tales"

Of course the children should be kind and understanding, why would anyone think they haven't been. Why are some of you keen to put out the message that you must include everyone even when they hit you.

Strawberry is rught, this message to girls and women is why violence is swept under the carpet, why social groups accept abusers and tell women not to make a fuss or speak out.

Arrange a play date with the child one on one where a parent from both families can supervise. Don't teach children that everyone must be included all the time even when they hit you.

hiddley · 26/10/2017 11:49

Some mothers do 'ave 'em.

ZandathePanda · 26/10/2017 11:56

I had a party for the class in Year 4 and left (shock horror) one girl out. She was a bully. She was awful and my daughter stopped growing for a year (!) which I attributed to the stress she was under from this girl constantly getting her minions to gang up on my daughter. One of my friends (single mum so at great personal cost) sent her daughter to private school rather than her daughter be with this girl at the local comp. Unfortunately we still had to put up with her. This bully is bright and ruined my Dd's top set English GCSE class until the teacher couldn't stand it any longer and the girl was moved. Dd said the class (and the teacher) were wonderful after that. She's now in one of my Dd's A Level classes though and still makes snide comments and changes the atmosphere. However, the minions have left and the bully is isolated as, by 16, even though she's bright, beautiful and rich, everyone has seen through her now. I felt really guilty at the time for leaving 1 child out of 30 but not now.

Jasminedes · 26/10/2017 11:58

I agree with explaining to your daughter that Rose is to be given a chance, but inviting her with her Mum staying, and explaining that there have been some group dynamic issues you are aware of, and can she help you keep an eye on them at the party. You could specify that your daughter has said Rose has hurt her. This is because your daughter has known Rose longer, so she is her link to the group (only in the short term) and as she is having some issues it would I think be unkind to not include her. Your decision though, and a tough one (just remember its not your daughters decision, as she does not have the insights you do).

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 26/10/2017 11:59

I never said a 4yo isn’t accountable for their actions. They need to have a consequence every time. I said they aren’t responsible in the same way as an adult.

Young children can't foresee consequences of their actions like an adult. Young children can’t control and direct their emotions in the same way as an adult. There is a reason the age of criminal responsibility is 10.

Smitff · 26/10/2017 12:03

Such a lack of kindness and compassion in display here, clearly Generation Entitlement is raising the next generation in their mould.

In my book it’s poor parenting all round. These children are 4 and 5 years old. The parents should absolutely be demonstrating, leading by example, overruling where necessary - on BOTH sides. A 4yo’s birthday party really shouldn’t create so much angst and drama!

MyDearAnnie · 26/10/2017 12:05

When you are 4 yourself being hit by another 4 year old is the same as us being hit be a grown adult!

Umm... No. Yes, they are peers but it’s not the same at all. Neither is good but a NT adult can be held responsible for their actions in a way that a 4 year old can’t.

I didn't read this comment in the same way, I think the poster meant that the experience of being hit by a four year old when you are four yourself is similar to the experience of being hit by an adult when you are one.

Not that a four year old hitting is the same as an NT adult hitting.

newnameforthis1 · 26/10/2017 12:05

Smokin please, please, please invite Rose to the party.
My child was a "Rose".
He's a (very) clever boy who finds it REALLY hard to write.
His reception teacher assumed he was being naughty/defiant/attention seeking when he asked for help. She "knew he could do it if he wanted to" and flatly refused help or allow anyone else to. She essentially just bullied him and part of that bullying included using peer pressure to try to "encourage" him to do the things he was asking for help with.

She is a complete bitch and a shit teacher who should never be allowed near any child as far as I'm concerned - BUT he was not the only person damaged by her crappiness. All of his classmates learned to be bullies. All of their parents supported them in this. They are not horrible people and I was friends with several of them. I could not believe that people would stand by while their children bullied mine but they did. Their children will have come home with similar tales about my "Rose"s terrible behaviour. He appeared not to be listening - he was. He appeared not to be trying - he was.

Please don't do to Rose what was done to my child.

You should be concerned that your daughter thinks it is ok to say these things about her friend - where has she heard them? Are you ok with her being alright where it is ok to publicly write off a child who faces challenges in the classroom? What if your DD is next?

Most primary teachers have absolutely no idea about the challenges faced by children with dyslexia (at least three in most classes) or dyspraxia (another 3) or with a visual or auditory processing difficulty (another 3 of each?) or how to support children facing these challenges. Please invite Rose to the party and please, please, please ask the school to address the fact that your child has learned to think and speak about her friend in this way whilst in their care. xx

HappyFeetAgain · 26/10/2017 12:06

I wouldnt invite her and it really doesnt matter to me that she's 4. So what, your daughter doesn't want her at her party so why ruin a special day for her. Just tell the mum the girls aren't getting along now so you dont want to upset your daughter. It's up to her what she does with that.

newnameforthis1 · 26/10/2017 12:06

sorry *Are you ok with her being in an environment...

HappyFeetAgain · 26/10/2017 12:06

CorbynsBumFlannel · 26/10/2017 12:07

Not wanting to be around someone who is hurting you isn't excluding it is sensible. Would anyone here invite a colleague that was horrible to them to their birthday celebration so as no to exclude them if you weren't inviting everyone from work anyway? How would you feel if your boss told you you had to? I feel sorry for all the poor kids whose parents would force a child who is nasty to them into their birthday party.
The girls mum is going to be aware of her child's behaviour and she needs to work on it rather than trying to wangle party invitations by texting the host and making them uncomfortable.

MyDearAnnie · 26/10/2017 12:10

newname

What happened to your son is awful, but there is nothing to suggest that the situations are in any way similar.

please, please, please ask the school to address the fact that your child has learned to think and speak about her friend in this way whilst in their care

She is going to look utterly ridiculous if she turns up at school accusing her child's teacher of encouraging the children to think and speak badly of Rose

CorbynsBumFlannel · 26/10/2017 12:10

Excluding in the context of bullying would be leaving someone out for no reason or because they look different etc. Staying away from someone who calls you names and hits you isn't exclusion. It is the natural consequence of behaving horribly towards someone.
It's sad that people are now so tripping over themselves to be 'inclusive' that they have lost all sight of what it means and kids who are experiencing physical bullying are now being labelled as bullys themselves for not wanting to be hit!

MarthasHarbour · 26/10/2017 12:11

OP i have only read your posts and not the whole FT.

but this stood out to me:
my daughter has been pushed & scratched by Rose. Also called names.

THIS IS WHY I WOULD NOT INVITE HER and this is exactly what i would tell her mother.

I sympathise, i was new to all of this once and i wish i had more backbone. If i as a parent had feedback about my child as above then i would agree he shouldnt be invited and would deal with it myself.

Please dont make your DD have someone who pushes and scratches her and calls her names come to her party.

Viviennemary · 26/10/2017 12:14

The child simply can't be left out if she is your DD's best friend. It was a bit forward of the Mum to ask you about your plans for the party. And tackling the Mother about her DD's behaviour doesn't usually go down well. It's difficult. And I don't agree with her party her choice at the age of four.

MyDearAnnie · 26/10/2017 12:15

Would anyone here invite a colleague that was horrible to them to their birthday celebration so as no to exclude them if you weren't inviting everyone from work anyway?

Quite.

I might start responding to every thread on here where someone is getting hit and shouted at with "I think you should think about how they might be feeling?" "what did you say/do to them?" "Poor them" "Just be kind".

And see how long I last...

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