To not be able to cope with all the extra curricular activities, days out etc?

[busymum2017]

Long time lurker but first post so be gentle with me.

I’m completely exhausted and need help!

A bit of background, I am married with three girls age 4, 5 and 7 and I work as a teaching assistant. My girls just asked me tonight if they could join rainbows/brownies tonight and I said no because I just don’t feel like I can cope with any more running around than I already do. They have gone to bed crying and I feel awful :(

I don’t know if I’m just pathetic but I feel like I’m struggling as it is, I feel like I am just rushing through their childhoods with no time to enjoy it. I will post an example of my week and if anyone can give me any pointers that I can’t see to help free up some time so I don’t feel so exhausted that would be great! Or maybe I’m moaning about nothing and this is what life with children is like?

Mon: work 8am - 3pm (girls go to breakfast club). School finished 3.15 home by 3.45. Make snacks and drinks, sort and pack away clean washing, cook dinner, make packed lunches, clean up from dinner, upstairs for baths, stories, spellings, times tables, everyone in bed by 8pm. Go and do a 20 minute exercise video (as advised by doctor I am overweight and un fit and my health is at risk) empty bins, then bath and collapse infront of tv/mumsnet for one hour then go to bed.
Tue: repeat above except I work until 4.30 home at 5pm (girls go to after school club) and I do not sort the washing. Clean loos instead of empty bins at night.
Wed: work 8am-3pm, go to gymnastics straight from school where each girls class is at a different time due to abilities, we get home at 7pm (girls eat in cafe I can’t afford too as well) baths etc everyone in bed by 8.30, then I cook clean up, iron uniforms, empty bins, too tired for any exercise and collapse.
Thur: repeat above but replace gymnastics with swimming and cafe food with happy meals.
Fri: work 8-3, come straight home after school, tidy messy house with colours papers jigsaws etc everywhere, dinner, clean up, baths etc then collapse In front of tv and fall asleep as so tired from the week.
Sat: take oldest to musical theatre for the morning then I go to the supermarket with younger dc. Come home make lunch pack shopping away, then do something nice with the girls like cinema, park, visit a relative etc for a couple of hours, come home, cook clean up bedtimes etc
Sun: clean house takes 3 hours, washloads, ironing, homework, cook roast, clean up, baths bed etc sit on sofa and think Sunday was worse than a week day :(

My dh works nights including weekends he has Mondays and Tuesdays off instead. He does garden, car stuff, family admin and bills, diy, decorating plus ebays our old stuff and takes over time at work if it’s available.

I want to study for an extra qualification but just can’t see how I could fit that in :(

6 weeks holidays are fine and I feel like I’m relaxed in those 6 weeks but the one week and two week holidays we catch up with relatives, old friends, school friends etc. I try and keep one day a week in the hols free but this week a friend who I have not seen for 2 years wants to meet up so that’s my one free day gone where I wanted to go and buy new bins for bathrooms new toilet brushes as our bathrooms are looking grim, girls winter shoes etc so now I will have to do that one night after school making yet another rushed night.

How can we slow down and enjoy life instead of constantly rushing here and there? Or is everyone else the same? Or probably worse and will tell me I’m lucky I don’t work full time?

Not rtht. I'm a TA with 3 kids too (mine older 13, 10, 8), it is hard work. Do you work at the same school as your children? I am also studying two gcses this year, which is hard. Something needs to give.

I used to make myself ill with the running around, you need to have clubs that work for you, the late night ones are too late.

My week is Mon - leave home 8, back home 12.45 to walk dog, return to school 1.15 , get home 3.45. Sort dog, bags, lunches, make quick dinner as brownies at 5.30 and collect @ 7. Helping with homework etc in that time. Dh usually gets home 7.30-8, he has tea whilst I make sure kids are in bed, he walks dog, we go bed 10.30.

Tues, the same except no clubs, but I go to my Gcse class 7-9.30, and we have sitter for kids.

Wed we have guides, 6-8. Thurs chess club we all get home 4.45. Fri I run an after school club, we get home 4.45, scouts at 7-9. Weekends do cleaning, washing, although at least one load a day during week.

dh works mon-Fri and alternate Sats, Sunday are our family day as he's def home. once a month church parade.

Plus had all the open evenings for new schools and parent consultations I always do.

Good luck op,

What you describe definitely sounds like it deserves its own thread where you can get support. You have probably scared the OP off this thread with your (very justifiable) anger at the system.

There is no excuse for name calling.

It is pretty normal to be rushing around with the activities after school etc but I would say -

• Far too much cleaning. 3 hours on a Sunday! And a roast! You must be mad. I don't know anyone who cooks a roast every Sunday these days. I did it myself for years until I realised that no one cared if they had something different instead.
• don't bother cooking after activities if the dc have eaten and it's late and you are knackered. Beans on toast or something on those days.
• no more ironing. I spent hours of my life ironing years ago but these days most fabrics don't need ironing even if you don't tumble. When the uniforms are on they are fine unironed. I literally iron the odd thing once a month say. Not day to day stuff.
• wet beds. Yes I had that with dc for years and it is hard. They might grow out of it. If not one of my dc is now on medication and it has finally stopped.

I think you should just cut corners instead to make it more manageable.

Oh OP you sound completely overwhelmed and knackered. Do you have good friends? Could you maybe invite them over for coffee and have a good chat about how you feel just so you don’t feel so isolated and overwhelmed? Can you maybe work homework into other daily tasks? Mine used to read to me whilst I was cooking/ironing etc. Times tables in the car? Maybe sit down with your partner and talk calmly how you are feeling. Maybe he gets defensive when the subject is approached. This is not ok but my husband tends to do this. Also get your children involved in household tasks. Explain to family you are a team and all need to help. I hope things get better for you soon.

OP why does your DH just do his own ironing but you do yours and the girls'? Why can't he do everyone's on one of his 'days off?' And you do work nights, you're up stripping and changing wet beds regularly.

Also just another thought and this may sound weird with you being so tired but I found it really helped. I get up earlier to fit exercise in so even if you set your alarm
and fit in a quick 10 minute walk before kids get up and your day starts. I find it helps me physically and mentally. Not sure if this would fit in with your partners night shifts? Try and find 10 minutes at least where you can get outside, walk and clear your head.

I think you need to work smarter around the classes like gymnastics. It's crazy having to be there all night as they're all at different levels. They are small children, not training for the Olympics!!

I'm sure there will be other similar clubs or classes or related activities like dance where you could have all three in at the same time or at least two in one and the smallest one separately. Swimming may be more problematic as they do seem to progress through levels.

And of course your husband should be doing more.

Could dh not take them to brownies on a Monday or Tuesday? Its literally only a drop off, you could continue what you need to do and the girls will be happy. It’s a fantastic thing for them to do and it sounds feasible if your dh will do that for HIS children.

I think you should get them going on school dinners. There will be something they like and aren’t allergic to. Cut out the café and happy meals, that’s got to cost about £50 a week. Tell DH that you’re getting a cleaner to assist with that money.

Pick 2 days as your “days off”. He’s a selfish arse he really is.

Don't feel guilty about not doing anymore activity! My dc only does drama one night a week after school. Agree with online shopping so much easier! I'm currently filling out the dla form and agree put the worst day down! Be prepared its a killer of a form to fill in.

You have a very busy life and seem to put a lot of pressure on yourself. You aren’t unreasonable for saying ‘no’ to your daughters’ guide/brownie/rainbows request. They do lots of extra curricular activities already. You must try and build in even half an hour’s down time for yourself in the evening. Clean less. Tidy less. Sit down more. Get the kids to help. Maybe if they help you out more they can go to brownies. You need to take care of yourself as well. You give so much but maybe you need to take a break.

And your husband should be helping out more. Yes he brings in the money but you have a lot more falling on your shoulders.

Your husband sees Monday and Tuesday as his days off.. but when are your days off?!?! Grrrr

Your dh needs to do more. I did night shifts for years. I still did all my housework, drove dd to clubs, was a rainbow and guide helper, helped with children’s reading at the school.

Your dh is taking the piss, seriously. When do you get your days off?

you have a “d”h problem, clearly. you are not his slave.
can he take dc to evening/afternoon activities?

talk to him.

I wonder whether, rather than arguing and cajoling, just calmly telling the dh what he is going to be doing on which days would be a way forward. 'On Mondays you do the Aldi shop and cook x portions of a meal of your choice for the week ahead/the freezer. On Tuesdays you collect the girls, give them dinner and supervise their homework/reading/times tables, and take them to Rainbows/Brownies (if it is on the day). Every day you spend 15 mins doing a bit of cleaning (hoovering, clean loo/sinks, whatever) or tidying either before you leave for work or when you get back.' Put it up on the fridge. If he refuses, or 'forgets', then all services for him or things that make his life more pleasant stop. No cooking (have food in for him to sort himself something after work), washing, ironing, certainly no sex, his dirty dishes get dumped in his wardrobe or car.

I found it very tiring taking ds to 3 extra curricular activities as well as school run at primary school twice a day (it was too far to walk for him/us). So in the end after a few years I stopped taking him to these extra things. I was a single parent with no family support and it just got too exhausting.

He doesn't miss it. Though he did do a stint of Beavers/swimming/drama. He got bored after a few years. It also go too expensive in my opinion. I have since suggested one activity but he doesn't want any. As long as he is mixing and has friends I don't think they need all these activities forever. He is 12 n ow and enjoys mixing and playstation and football with friends.

Rosiebucket could you perhaps vent your bile elsewhere, away from the op? Four doffing posts harping on the same thing for gods sake.

If op is entitled to additional, she should get it - end of.

• sodding

Oh, and no facilitating relationships with his side of the family (visiting, present buying etc.), no birthday or Christmas presents for him, no remembering important (to him) dates that he would otherwise 'forget'.

Rosiebucket sounds like you need a thread all to yourself. I didn't even get through a fifth of that repetitive rant.

You are basically functioning as a single parent. Have you thought about separating? You would probably be better off practically and financially, plus you would get a break sometimes. He would lose his 'days off' as there is a chance he might have to do some actual parenting then.

Op sounds really hard and your husband needs to help more. Im really shocked he has 2 days off to do as he pleases and you get none. What have you actually said to him? Have you really explained you cant go on like this and how serious it is? On a practical note i think if they want to do rainbows they need to drop another activity you cant do everything. On the late nights when you are eating out how much does that cost ? If you could cut that out could you afford the cleaner ? On those days could you make tea to take with you? Im guessing if they have had packed lunch you dont want to give them another lot of sandwich type things but what about pasta salad or soup in a flask with rolls ect . Is there any way you could drop a day at work i think if you had one day a week to yourself it would be much better for you. I sometimes race my little boy so he has to tidy up before ive done the dishes ect he usually goes for this but is only 4 but might be worth a go ? Do they all have a seperate 20 min bath or are the little ones in together ? Could sometimes you just wash them and then cream might save a bit of time. Re bed wetting have you had any advice re this ? Do you lift them at all ? I would suggest pull ups but as they cant use have you looked into any other options to try. I would also knock the roast on the head maybe now and again but no way every week. Could you get a dance based dvd to do and do 20 mins together with girls, instead of doing roast you could go on little bike ride, do nature trail walks ect so you are doing exercise and having fun with the girls. It sounds like you are doing everything and i really hope your husband steps up even if he just did a hour of housework and tea on his days off it would be such a help to you and he would still have time to himself. Have you tried just saying oh can yoy hoover and sort the washing today before you leave ? Would he do it if asked?