Friend who drives let me walk home in rain?

[Tobythecat]

I have ASD and really bad sensory processing/overload issues. I don't work and was very isolated but 6 months ago I started going to a coffee morning for people with anxiety. A lady and her daughter (who has become a good friend) go there (the mum drives) but the mum doesn't like to offer me lifts , which is fair enough. I usually walk, but today it was raining. I live about a 10 minute walk from the venue but my support worker offered me a lift but he left the coffee morning early. I was expecting to walk home but was surprised that my friend and her mum didn't offer me a lift as it was pissing down, but the daughter gave me an umbrella instead. They were going the other way so it would've taken them 5 minutes out of their way to drop me home. Her son also has ASD but he is more functioning than I am.

AIBU to think it was a bit mean of her? I feel like a burden anyway and don't like to ask for lifts as last time I asked she said she was going shopping (I get sensory overload in the coffee morning and find it difficult to walk back/cross the road as i'm so disorientated from all the socialising and bright lights).

I drive and like to offer people lifts when convenient as I enjoy the company. I have a friend from work who I drive slightly out of my way for if we happen to be on the same shift; and tbh it’s mostly because it helps me to offload a bit in the car! On the other hand, I have a friend who doesn’t drive who expects me to drive her home or to a more convenient bus stop whenever we meet up and it’s really frustrating because it takes big chunks out of my day!

OP has already stated that her friend and DM were going to buy wallpaper. Maybe they had other things going on that day, didn’t want to get stuck in traffic (as venue is presumably in a town-centre type location) or were simply just excited to go to the DIY shop and din’t want to be held up. I don’t think it’s unreasonable not to offer a lift in that situation at all!

Toby I have ASD and probably wouldn't have offered you a lift because of it!
Like you the sensory overload can be stressful and I normally just want to leave things like that by myself so I don't have to talk to anyone.

Or I'd have got home and then thought "OH! Yes, I should have asked them if they'd like a lift"

What I'm trying to say, in a gentle way, is that there are any number of issues they may have or reasons why they may havenot wanted to or been unable to give you a lift.

ASD is shit a lot of the time, you didn't ask for it, but it doesn't mean other people are obliged to go out of their way to help you (although it's always nice if people do)

Also I know what you mean about the rain making things harder, I also don't like it... But I wouldn't expect other people to realise or understand that it would be am issue.

Perhaps If it happens again you could ask if they would mind dropping you off?

Er, I don't think that's a good idea, Cakey. Did you not see that they have previously said no to a lift request? I think the Op needs to accept that lifts are off the menu and plan accordingly, not be encouraged to upset/embarrass herself again.

I think YABU OP.

I think you are upset with the wrong person. Your support worker offered you a lift but had to leave early- you should discuss this issue with them. But your friend has done nothing wrong- it is her mum's car and so not for her to offer lifts. It may only have been 5 minutes out of her way, this time, but those " just 5 minutes" so often are a lot more than 5 minutes. And what about next time it is wet/windy/icey/cold- especially coming into winter? Will you expect a lift on every time there's inclement weather? And if not, why was it mean not to give you a lift this time?

Perhaps your friend's mum doesn't like giving lifts or is worried that it will become an expectation. Who knows, but agree with others that you may well be less anxious and upset if you have a back up plan for getting home in bad weather.

Like some other OP's, I think you need to focus on the positives- you did get there and back ok. It might not have been easy, but you did it. Next time, make sure that your support worker can take you home and if they need to leave early go with them or arrange a taxi or other way of getting home.

I would have given you a lift.

I would have given you a lift.

Where does that kind sentiment stop though? This is the mum's car-we don't even know if the OP's friend drives? Are you saying you would give unlimited future lifts to people that your adult children go to weekly events with? Only if it rains? What about if it's cold? Or if it's 20 minutes out of your way? Or if you needed to go shopping?

I can understand why it might have been a nice sentiment but I can see 100 reasons why the mum wouldn't have wanted to do it and it really shouldn't be expected.

'I would have given you a lift.'

Yes as would I, however it is a group for people with anxiety and possibly other mh issues. The op is expecting the friend and her dm to be totally understanding of her feelings yet she isn't even considering they may have anxiety issues themselves about driving with other people in the car. The DD may be sensory overloaded herself by that point. Who knows really.

Some people will offer a lift in the scenario you describe op but some won’t with it being the opposite direction and them having shopping to do.
Is your friend/her mum aware of the difficulties you have walking out and about particularly when it’s wet? Is it possible that your friend/her mum may have anxieties around running late, driving with unfamiliar passengers etc that you aren’t aware of? Or that they would have felt like they should drop other members of the group home who don’t drive as well which would be more of a commitment for them.
For whatever reason I think it is unlikely that you’re friends mum will be driving you home from future coffee mornings so you need to come up with a plan for the future. Is it usual that your support worker leaves early or are they supposed to take you home?
Maybe have a think about filling a bag with some supplies to help if you are stuck again. Make sure you have cash and a couple of taxi numbers in your purse for eg.
On the plus side though as pp have said you made it home despite a difficult journey so that is something to be proud of.

Some people get very anxious about offering lifts.

They feel claustrophobic with someone else in the car.
They feel self conscious about their driving
They can’t handle the responsibility
They get very anxious driving on roads they don’t know
Etc etc,

They were going wallpaper shopping straight after, they usually mention appointments to me but they were just going to buy some wallpaper

OP, i'm an Aspie and the anxiety (plus social anxiety) can be extremely difficult to manage - you need to give yourself credit first for just getting there, credit for socialising and credit for handling what could have turned into a difficult situation.

On this occasion, they already had something planned so they were not being unreasonable to not give you a lift home.
It isn't our place to assume it's 'ok' for someone else to go out of their way to do something for us, even if it's 'only 5 mins'.
She won't offer you lifts home any other time because it then becomes routine, a habit, and it becomes expected of her and that just takes the piss.
Also nobody wants to be put in a position of explaining why they can't give you a lift each week.
They offered you an umbrella though so obviously did think about you

I know you feel as though people don't care 'enough' about you to do this 'small' thing.......but that isn't true.
You have a friend who enjoys your company, and who cared enough to do what she could to help you (umbrella)

I think they've actually (unknowingly) done you a favour.
They're showing you what their boundaries are.....do you know your own boundaries?
You could have easily ended up in a co-dependent dynamic - which is NOT healthy for anyone.

Don't listen to the negative thoughts - try to keep your focus on the positives.
The most important thing - you managed to walk there and back without having a panic attack/episode
You did it by yourself and under pressure
You did it despite everything you were feeling/going through.
You're building good relationships - don't allow the negative thoughts to sabotage this.

I drive and I don’t always give lifts. Sometimes, something that only takes 5-10 minutes according to non-drivers takes a lot longer and can mean a lot of additional time stuck in traffic when I am tired and unwell. I would expect an adult to be prepared for the weather. And why does your anxiety trump that of others? You don’t know if it causes a lot of stress to the other person to deviate from their plans and drive somewhere new.

Is there a community transport scheme where you live?

If the coffee morning is a regular thing, then this might work for you.

Google 'Community transport (town you live in) and see what comes up. They are not just for people who are physically disabled, but for anyone with a transport need. I have used ours for years. You have to register with them and book in advance, but that would work well for a regular event like this and maybe some other things that you might otherwise struggle to get to and from!

You haven't mentioned whether your male or female(nor should you be obligated too). I would happily offer a women a lift but not a man.

Im aware women commit violent crimes as well.

I wouldn't want someone likely bigger in an enclosed space, especially someone I don't know from Adam around my DD.

Sorry if that doesn't apply to your situation OP.

YABU and unfair.

I understand that the rain causes you problems but it's not this other people's problem. Most people wouldn't think a ten minute walk would be a problem. Even if it did cross their mind they might have thought you would just wait until the rain stopped or that you would have worked something out with your care worker.
You don't seem to have considered that there might be a good reason why they couldn't offer a lift. Perhaps there was junk in the car, perhaps the child was acting up, perhaps they were in a hurry 🤷🏻‍♀️ Even so they don't need an excuse. It doesn't mean that they are not nice or that they are selfish, it just means that this time they didn't want to help you.

What sort of anxiety do the driver and her daughter suffer from? The post is all about the OP's needs but the other ladies might have significant issues.

Polly, when quoting my post, you missed out the most important bit, in that no one owes her a lift. Yes it is rude, asd or not.

We have no idea why she didn’t offer, I give people lifts but I hate it because I am a much better driver when it’s me and the children. I am able to get over it to give lifts but can imagine why others would be very anxious.

I wish OP would come back because I think we need a bit more information to truly ascertain whether mother of friend was being mean not offering a lift.

In further post, OP says the friend has been round to her house for lunch and OP gave the mum some clothes. I would always give lifts to my dd's friends (although I suppose they are much younger than OP) as there's give and take - not just with lifts. But the fact that the friend's mother seems determined not to give lifts - she has previously given excuses - suggests that there's more to this situation than meets the eye, even if it's just that she really doesn't want to get into any kind of regular arrangement.

I don't think the friend had done anything wrong.
It's not her car,
The mum was going in the opposite direction.
I drive and I would hate to be tied to giving someone a lift. They're ate many , many times when I don't go straight home. Often it is spur of the moment such as I will call at Xs house. Or I will go to the shop etc etc etc.
You need to work on ways of helping yourself. I don't mean to sound harsh but there are plenty of times that I would prefer not to drive. Non drivers always have a get out clause. I've stopped going on nights out where 'friends' won't take their turn in driving yet moan that a taxi is too expensive. I'm not being their unpaid taxi when they don't return the favour.

the fact that the friend's mother seems determined not to give lifts - she has previously given excuses - suggests that there's more to this situation than meets the eye

I agree.

I think you are unreasonable to expect a lift and to be disappointed, that is just petty of you. You need to learn to get yourself to and from places. I have anxiety and hate getting to and from places but it has to be done and I also don’t drive so have to walk everywhere. No one has to offer you a lift and you can’t say that you would because you don’t drive and therefore don’t understand what giving lifts is like.

YANBU. I would never have let you walked.