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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend who drives let me walk home in rain?

227 replies

Tobythecat · 24/10/2017 12:43

I have ASD and really bad sensory processing/overload issues. I don't work and was very isolated but 6 months ago I started going to a coffee morning for people with anxiety. A lady and her daughter (who has become a good friend) go there (the mum drives) but the mum doesn't like to offer me lifts , which is fair enough. I usually walk, but today it was raining. I live about a 10 minute walk from the venue but my support worker offered me a lift but he left the coffee morning early. I was expecting to walk home but was surprised that my friend and her mum didn't offer me a lift as it was pissing down, but the daughter gave me an umbrella instead. They were going the other way so it would've taken them 5 minutes out of their way to drop me home. Her son also has ASD but he is more functioning than I am.

AIBU to think it was a bit mean of her? I feel like a burden anyway and don't like to ask for lifts as last time I asked she said she was going shopping (I get sensory overload in the coffee morning and find it difficult to walk back/cross the road as i'm so disorientated from all the socialising and bright lights).

OP posts:

gandalf456 · 24/10/2017 17:15

This thread is odd.

I drive and would most certainly offer a lift to a non driver under these circumstances - even an acquaintance and even if I was popping into town.

If I am walking and someone offers a lift I usually decline as i find the walk clears my head . I would accept in torrential rain though

KenBarlow · 24/10/2017 17:19

I drive and don’t offer lifts where possible, it costs me time and money and those are two things I could do with a lot more of

Delatron · 24/10/2017 17:19

I think the length of the walk is important here. It would never occur to me to faff about offering a lift to someone that went out of my way if they only had a 10 minute walk...

I understand it's harder for the OP but looking at it from the other side, why wouldn't you be able to walk for 10 minutes? That's what they will be thinking.
30 minute walk is different.

DancesWithOtters · 24/10/2017 17:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lovemusic33 · 24/10/2017 17:32

I think they should have offered you a lift (I would have) but your ABU to expect them too, it's best not o expect anything from anyone. They probably thought you would be fine walking home, just because you have ASD that doesn't automatically mean you can't walk home in the rain? Both my dd's have ASD, one has a lot of sensory issues but they would be fine walking ten minutes in the rain, it's not nice walking in the rain but it's never killed anyone, 'you won't melt' is what my mum used to say to me .

NewLove · 24/10/2017 17:36

I'm a bit confused as to why your support worker left before the end OP - shouldn't they have been the one giving you a lift home?

formerbabe · 24/10/2017 17:36

I drive and don’t offer lifts where possible, it costs me time and money and those are two things I could do with a lot more of

This is exactly how I feel. I'd also worry that a one off offer would lead to an expectation that a lift will be provided every time.

TrickyKid · 24/10/2017 17:38

Yabu. A ten minute walk in the rain is no big deal and as you've said they were going in the opposite direction.

orangewasp · 24/10/2017 17:39

Although I don't think you can expect lifts, I would offer one to any friend in this situation, it's just the nice thing to do.

PollyHasAKettle · 24/10/2017 17:40

Yabu. A ten minute walk in the rain is no big deal and as you've said they were going in the opposite direction

It probably was a big deal to the OP what with being on the spectrum and yes she could have gone with her support worker but perhaps she had a bit of dutch courage when he/she said they were leaving and she thought 'I can do this'.

Topseyt · 24/10/2017 17:45

OP says on the very first page that her processing difficulties are the reason she has not learned to drive. It would make it dangerous.

I know of another autistic adult who cannot drive for those reasons. She has virtually no sense of danger at all. That is my understanding of why she has not learned to drive.

OP, I think on the face of it it does sound a bit mean of them, but if they were going shopping for wallpaper straight afterwards then it just might not have been possible because nobody really wants someone else tagging along unnecessarily for that.

You can't expect a lift. Nice if they offer, but don't expect it.

LilyPondFrog · 24/10/2017 17:46

@melj1213 yes, as I said, it's rude to have not offered the OP a lift when it was raining. The OP has ASD and an extreme sensory issue that will have no doubt exacerbated in the rain- the friend seems to have known about the OP's issues.

Regardless of what direction the friend was due to be driving in and regardless of whether the friend had plans, any 'friend' would have helped the OP from a situation that could have caused extreme distress.

UnbornMortificado · 24/10/2017 17:51

You don't know her reasons.

I drive but do get anxious, I personally won't drive with other people's children in the car. Luckily DH does 90% of the driving so it's not really an issue.

It's not even that I'm a bad driver, I've been driving over 10 years without so much as a scratch. Anxiety is irrational like that, she could of had a crash in the past or anything. I was in a crash as a child with a family friend, I think that's where the issue stems from.

TabbyMumz · 24/10/2017 18:06

I think the op is being quite rude to be honest. No-one is responsible for giving her a lift. It always amazes me why non car drivers think car drivers owe them a lift. They don't. They have probably spent up to a thousand pounds on lessons, thousands on purchasing a car, more in car tax, mot and petrol.

3out · 24/10/2017 18:07

‘The reason is rather immaterial. OP can't drive so needs to organise suitable transport or clothing/shoes/umbrella for herself.’

That’s perfectly correct, but saying the OP chooses not to drive shows a lack of empathy. It would’ve been different if you just said ‘OP doesn’t drive’.

Wh1stles · 24/10/2017 18:08

I would give a friend a lift/ or hope to rrceive one. Some peiple arent very GIVING friends.

PollyHasAKettle · 24/10/2017 18:11

I think the op is being quite rude to be honest

Yep, people often think that about people who are on the spectrum.

They have probably spent up to a thousand pounds on lessons, thousands on purchasing a car, more in car tax, mot and petrol

I imagine the OP would like to be able to if her pesky ASD didn't get in the way of things.

FrancisCrawford · 24/10/2017 18:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Akire · 24/10/2017 18:16

If it took 15m of my time to save you an hours walk I would offer. But if I’m saving you 10m by adding 10m to mine. Then no.

MsPassepartout · 24/10/2017 18:23

It would have been nice if they’d offered you a lift, but I don’t think they were being rude or unreasonable to not offer a lift.

There’s plenty of possible reasons.

Maybe they assumed that OP was happy, willing and able to walk home as she knew it was raining when she decided to go to the group.
Sometimes people like some time alone to relax and decompress after socialising, and a walk home - even in the rain - can provide that opportunity. If the friend or her mum like that sort of alone time, OP wanting a lift might not have occurred to them.
Maybe they had an appointment or other time fixed plans later on in the day, and giving OP a lift wouldn’t have left them with enough time to do the wallpaper shopping and still do the other things.
Maybe the mum finds driving stressful at the best of times and can’t cope with the extra stress of giving lifts.
Maybe she’s worried that if she offers a lift once you’ll expect one every time.
Maybe she’s worried that she’ll upset other people in this group if she offers OP a lift instead of them.
Maybe the car is really messy and she’s ashamed to let people (other than family) inside it.
Maybe the road system where OP lives means that it’s actually going to take more of their time than “just 5 minutes” extra.

Whatever the reason, it’s extremely unlikely that they were happy about causing any distress or inconvenience. The notion that someone would find not being offered a lift very upsetting probably wouldn’t even occur to most people.

Kailoer · 24/10/2017 18:26

it doesn't matter why the lift wasn't offered.

you should not expect it.

your friend's mum is not responsible for ensuring you don't get wet on a 10min journey home. that's your responsibility.

OP, kindly - learn to not expect these things from others and plan accordingly. it's nice if someone offered but other people have enough problems/commitments/expectations on them, they really can't be adding relative strangers into the mix as well!

Aeroflotgirl · 24/10/2017 18:31

Yes it would have been nice, but she doesn't. Mabey look at alternative transport like taxi if it's raining or bus.

FrancisCrawford · 24/10/2017 18:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PollyHasAKettle · 24/10/2017 18:44

Fair point Francis. I should have said 'perhaps the OP would like to be able to if her pesky ASD didn't get in the way of things'

Lethaldrizzle · 24/10/2017 18:50

a ten minute walk? in the rain? pah that's practically good for you!

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