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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how having children affected your career?

465 replies

Fluffysparks · 23/10/2017 11:36

Just that really. Were you employed before having the DC, how much time did you take out and do you think it affected your career? I’ve just realised that it probably has with me, in more ways than one, and I’ve been quite lucky as well...

OP posts:
Fluffywhitepompoms · 24/10/2017 18:22

My career has definitely suffered. Band 5 NHS worker since 2008. Had two periods of maternity leave and I’ve been part time since returning after the first. Had two band 6 interviews and both jobs went to full time staff that had considerably less experience than me. I’ve got the chance of a band 6 now but only if I’m willing to increase my hours, which I’m unable to do as I need child care from 6.30am and until 9pm on the days I work, as DH works away a lot/long hours. I’m glad I’m at home with my DC so much and able to go to assemblies and open mornings at school so easily, but totally frustrated in my career.
Made me tearful to read someone’s comment above that after reading this thread she/he will make more effort to employ/promote/support workers like us.

otherdoor · 24/10/2017 18:43

Most couples have a choice over who goes part time after kids. If a woman makes the choice to let her partner prioritise his career over hers, I don't see how she can then complain when she finds she no longer has the same opportunities to progress as he does.

My DH has been promoted since DD was born. Before she was born we earned almost exactly the same and were the same level of seniority. Ok, I had ten months of maternity leave, but in the grand scheme of things that's not a long time. The fact he is now more senior than me is primarily down to the choice we made together as a couple, that he would continue to work long hours and I would scale back.

Babbitywabbit · 24/10/2017 18:46

Anatidae- your post reflects a lot of the views here.

Bottom line is, having children changes us all- we all fall massively in love with this little person and overnight they become the most important thing in our lives.
BUT that doesn’t mean everything else in our life disappears, or suddenly becomes unimportant. Many women want to continue to pursue a career they may have trained for years for. They may be doing a job which is essential or very useful to society. They may enjoy all the things a career can provide - mental stimulation, social life and yes, a degree of self worth (not saying you don’t get self worth from other things too but work can be an important source)

It’s pretty depressing to see that many women do feel regret for missed opportunities

Amatree · 24/10/2017 18:51

This thread is so depressing. I'm all for either mums or dads giving up paid work or taking a step back to be with kids when that's a considered decision made by the couple together. But it sounds like loads of women on here feel they got shafted, almost by accident. I've just gone back to work after 11 months and before I was even pregnant DH and I made a plan that we would both go to a four day week (enough to be taken seriously and still progress but only leaving DS in nursery 3 days). Fair enough I had to do the pregnancy/childbirth part biologically but once that's done, we're both parents 50/50. If women want to be taken seriously in the workplace all the sick days etc. have to be split. I wouldn't dream of having kids with someone who wasn't prepared to step up and actually parent leaving us both something in the tank to have a decent career. It's early days but our situation seems to be working. I have no intention of sacrificing my hard won career, pension contributions etc. just because I have the ovaries.

Impostress99 · 24/10/2017 18:54

I have no intention of sacrificing my hard won career, pension contributions etc. just because I have the ovaries.

This . For as long as I live. And every time someone tries to make me feel guilty feel r feeling this way, or alludes it makes me a less than adequate parent, the more I shall say it and feel it ever stronger, and ever important to teach any young woman who I may ever mother/mentor.

LonginesPrime · 24/10/2017 18:58

ever important to teach any young woman who I may ever mother/mentor.

And young men.

Impostress99 · 24/10/2017 19:00

Oh absolutely. The More DS grows up the clearer it is to the feminist in me how very important the raising of men is

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 24/10/2017 19:09

Sadly,ALL The disparaging comments I’ve had about working FT have all been from females
Comments not directed to my dp (or their own dp) about FT work
They'll proudly declare their dp is too busy to attend an event,but tsk and comment when I say I’m not at play/sports day/etc
There’s no parity in the expectation heaped on female working parents

Dozer · 24/10/2017 19:14

Most men are simply unwilling to make changes to their working lives after DC. They may well not reveal this until it comes to the crunch. At that point women can be in conflict with their H, work “full time plus” too and organise a LOT of childcare (assuming no family help) - let’s face it, most men won’t organise the childcare - or go PT, or quit.

I know countless women who have gone PT or quit. And only a handful of men.

“Lean in” - if as it so often does this means long hours and travel - requires a partner willing to do an equal share at home.

Misty9 · 24/10/2017 19:19

BUT that doesn’t mean everything else in our life disappears, or suddenly becomes unimportant

No, but it does leave an awful lot of women feeling conflicted. Myself included. Hell I'm not even that great at parenting but I feel the pull and therefore the conflict between that and focusing on my career for which I worked bloody hard and long. I believe it's a myth that a parent can 'have it all'. There is a sacrifice somewhere.

otherdoor · 24/10/2017 19:22

I believe it's a myth that a parent can have it all

Totally agree! And that applies to men as well as women.

juliej00ls · 24/10/2017 19:24

It’s not necessarily a back and white issue. I have stepped down from senior management due to finding it too much to balance everything and enjoy life....I didn’t want to endure. There were other factors that before having children I would have dealt with easily, but given the emotional energy this would have taken away from me and my children I decided to quit while I was ahead and carve out a new pathway for myself.

Amatree · 24/10/2017 19:48

**let’s face it, most men won’t organise the childcare - or go PT, or quit.

So don't settle for 'most men' Hmm

cantlivewithoutcoffee · 24/10/2017 19:52

I expected my career to stay still while I was raising children and it appears that's exactly what will happen. I am AHP so paid under agenda for change in a profession that has more females than males (not as female dominant as nursing though). I was full time senior B7 before going on mat leave and an opportunity for a part time B8a came up towards the end of my mat leave which I applied for and got. I was pretty much doing everything listed in the job description in my previous role and I can't see any further progression until I step up to full time. I am happy to stay in this post for the foreseeable future though.

My husband and I decided together that we would prefer to prioritise one of our careers rather than both step back while children are young. I am happy to take the sacrifice and he is the higher earner so it makes sense financially for me to do so. The job I have enables me to keep my hand in the career I worked so hard to get while I bring up children and I can then look at stepping up when I am ready.

My mum is a professional (completely different field) and did something similar - was largely self employed working a couple of days a week while we were young and stepped up her hours to full time when youngest started senior school. Has since done further studying and is really enjoying her career. It feels like the perfect long term solution for me as I get the best of both worlds. Most important thing is that it's my choice to do this and I'm not being forced into it or side-lined because of having a baby

catiinbo0ts · 24/10/2017 19:54

It fucked it. Massively.

Merrynsmummy · 24/10/2017 20:00

I'm part time.. which means that my boss, a woman incidentally, doesn't give me a fair share of the work and all the 'nice' jobs get given to the full time staff.

Merrynsmummy · 24/10/2017 20:01

Oh and it's a male dominated industry. So that also limits career progressing

Schmoochypoos · 24/10/2017 20:05

Ruined it

Both DH and I ran businesses in the same area and although I had a few months off I could never manage to go back full time because it’s not a traditional 9-5 business.

So something had to give and it was mine. Sad

Really sad as I’d put 5 years serious hard work into it, but I was the face of the business and it just didn’t work without me

HottySnanky · 24/10/2017 20:07

I had a job, not a career, before I had kids. I worked in the arts - it was badly paid and unsocial hours; which meant I could go back after 1 year's ML with dd1, because I only had to pay for 2 days childcare while working 5 (over evenings and weekends). About a year before I got pregnant my role changed, I was sent on a training course - but really I was kind of winging it, no previous experience in a similar role but I worked with my boss and I thought I was doing ok. Then I come back from mat leave and my boss has decided to keep my (much more experienced) mat cover on in my role and assign me all the shit no-one else wanted. My confidence nose-dived. Got pregnant with DD2, realised that working evenings and weekends with 2 small DCs much harder, DH was on a loooong commute and pulled his weight but one day I looked at the dark circles under his eyes as he'd fallen asleep at 8.30pm and realised enough was enough. Didn't go back after DD2, and the crappy artsy admin wages wouldn't be enough to cover childcare but DH's wage not enough to make ends meet... so now I stack shelves 3 nights a week. I'm desperate to retrain and use my brain - DD1 is now at school, DD2 still at home for another 2 years, but having read this thread about school hols and pickups and all the rest of it I wonder if starting again, and competing against younger, child-free applicants, would be worth it...

Bubblebubblepop · 24/10/2017 20:08

"- let’s face it, most men won’t organise the childcare - or go PT, or quit."

If my husband hadn't contributed equally to choosing and arranging childcare, I would've left the children there with him on my first day back from MAT leave

If he wouldn't do his share of pick ups the children would go uncollected.

I am NOT giving up my independence and career and money for a person who can't be arsed to make sure his children are looked after.

BakedBeans47 · 24/10/2017 20:10

Yeah I think it probably has but more due to my husband’s working pattern he works evenings and weekends so I haven’t been able to climb the ladder as I can’t work or attend things late nights and weekends as I have to be there for the kids. I feel like I have underachieved quite a bit from where I could be but what can you do.

Dozer · 24/10/2017 20:10

All very well saying “don’t settle for it”: the vast majority of women do IME.

BakedBeans47 · 24/10/2017 20:12

I went back to work (new job) when my eldest was 7 months old and after mat leave when my second was 9 months old. 4 days a week.

LonginesPrime · 24/10/2017 20:15

having read this thread about school hols and pickups and all the rest of it I wonder if starting again, and competing against younger, child-free applicants, would be worth it...

It’s absolutely worth it, snanky, if it’s what you want to do - obviously the logistics matter, but these kinds of problems can be overcome so don’t let the complications put you off if you want to retrain!

And there’s always competition for every job - don’t sell yourself short.

What do you think you would want to retrain as?

witchhazelblue · 24/10/2017 20:24

All very well saying “don’t settle for it”: the vast majority of women do IME.

And an awful lot of lose don't have a choice. This is what happened to me. My ex-h was all very keen for a family (he wanted children more than me) but when DC came along low and behold he went to work and I did a FT job, plus all the childcare outside office hours. You wouldn't have guessed this would happen before DC came along.

The final straw for me was when I was offered an incredible job that I had to turn down as I would have needed then husband to do some of the nursery school runs so I could commute. He said no. I decided then that we were finished. So I became a single parent and still had to turn the job down, but I couldn't be with someone who cared so little. I couldn't have just walked out to work leaving DC with him, it doesn't work that way. And I'm sure my story is far from unusual.