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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell the fiancée about her husband-to-be's past affair?

301 replies

PastMistakes · 23/10/2017 02:27

Long-time member, have name-changed. I'm really unsure about this so I'd appreciate honest answers. I'm prepared to be flamed.

Back story: as a student I had a part-time job where I worked with a man who I got on with very well, but was not especially attracted to. Nothing went on whilst we worked together.

I eventually left my job, and moved to a new flat elsewhere in town. Ex co-worker owned a car, and offered to help me move a few things. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex. I was flattered, but thought this would just be a one-time thing. However, he was quite keen and so it carried on fairly regularly for a couple of months until I ended it after meeting the man who is now my DH.

Ex co-worker was, and continues to be, in a long-term, monogamous relationship. I was aware of this, but I'm not really here to defend what I did or explain why I did it. I never met the girlfriend, and at the time I had absolutely no interest in 'stealing' her boyfriend or letting her know about the affair in any way.

Fast forward a few years, and I hear through the grapevine that ex co-worker proposed to his girlfriend and they are engaged to be married next year. Ex co-worker has intermittently tried to contact me in the intervening years, but he's apparently lost my number and can only do this though emails that I ignore. (DH has always been aware of everything, and I have never been - or ever will be - unfaithful to him.)

I have no great desire to, but should I/WIBU to now let the fiancée know about the past affair before she married this man? Would she want to know? Or should I just leave well alone?

OP posts:

Roussette · 23/10/2017 08:39

She thinks she's marrying someone who is faithful, OP knows she isn't

Do you know her? How do you know this? How do you know he hasn't fessed up on his past, how do you know, they didn't have a break after the OP's fling with him and they're back together now and have sorted out the past?

I like (not) how posters write what has happened with this couple with no knowledge.

PurpleMinionMummy · 23/10/2017 08:51

I'm normally in the tell them camp but I think that ship has sailed and you'd be best leaving it.

Original poster

PastMistakes · 23/10/2017 08:52

Roussette makes a valid point. I don't know if that scenario occurred or not - the fiancée may well already know.

I would be quite surprised if she does though. Would he continue to try and contact me after he became engaged (assuming a reconciliation with his girlfriend would have had to happen before the engagement) with her blessing?

I know that, at the time, ex co-worker was not in an open relationship. I suppose things could have changed there.

OP posts:

Original poster

PastMistakes · 23/10/2017 08:54

Well in any case he knows I'm married.

OP posts:

bluebells1 · 23/10/2017 09:00

Does your husband know that you carried on with a man in a relationship? If he didn't, how would you feel about the other man emailing your DH?

ToEarlyForDecorations · 23/10/2017 09:07

You were each other's random shag. It's a bit rich to go telling his fiancée that he was unfaithful. OK, he was and you were the OW but why upset their particular applecart over sex that was fairly run of the mill.

I screwed another woman's fiancé many years ago when I was single. Did I tell her ? No, I couldn't be bothered to. (The circumstances of how I met his fiancée would have you saying, 'yeah, as if, how convenient' if you saw it in a soap opera.) It wasn't me that was engaged. (He shouldn't have been so easily distracted, I'm no siren.) He was a loser which she would have found out during the course of their marriage anyway. I suspected their marriage wouldn't last because he was a prat so nothing I said to her was going to make a difference and why should I shame myself ?

TwattyvonTwatofTwatsville · 23/10/2017 09:07

I may be going against the majority here but I would advocate telling her.

It may have been years ago but as OP has pointed out he is still, once or twice a year contacting her, and she states that it is not innocent.

If he is still trying his luck with OP what's to say he couldn't be doing it with other past lovers, and maybe with more success?

I can speak as someone who has been there - my ex cheated on me before we were married - I found out two weeks before the wedding and went through with it still. But what I thought was a one-off infidelity wasn't, and there were people who knew about other indiscretions who didn't come forward.. I wish they had because I would never have married him.

The cheating that I thought was a one- off turned out to be a pattern if behaviour that happened again once married and the marriage didn't last.

Better to be forewarned, trust me. This mans fiancée may have other suspicions. He may have done this before and she needs to know before she makes such a massive commitment.

LexieLulu · 23/10/2017 09:11

I don't really see what anyone in this scenario has to gain from you telling.

Just sounds like you like drama

TwattyvonTwatofTwatsville · 23/10/2017 09:16

lexie maybe the truth? This woman should be forewarned as to what her fiancé has done, and the fact that he still tries it on with OP!

Better to know the truth about him and then decide whether she still wants to marry him than make possibly the biggest mistake of her life.

Kailoer · 23/10/2017 09:19

I'm going against the grain, you should tell her so she's armed with the knowledge before she becomes legally tied to him

whiskyowl · 23/10/2017 09:22

rousette - Look at it logically. Either she already knows, in which case OP's news won't come as a shock and can't do any damage. So there's no argument against letting her know. Or she doesn't know, and this is a huge shock, but something she really ought to know before making an emotionally and financially expensive mistake.

whiskyowl · 23/10/2017 09:24

You can "gain" something by very negative experiences, such as discovering an unpleasant truth in the short term that saves you from a longer term mistake.

Honestly, the rationalisation of total false consciousness on here is amazing.

whiskyowl · 23/10/2017 09:26

Put it this way: being happy because you're living in blissful ignorance of the fact that your life is a total lie is NOT actual happiness. It's humiliating false consciousness built on the worst kind of deception.

Ilovetolurk · 23/10/2017 09:26

Drip drip drip OP

As a PP said above you will sound deranged.

Such altruism

TwattyvonTwatofTwatsville · 23/10/2017 09:34

ilovetolurk how exactly will she sound 'deranged'? That is such a shitty thing to level at OP. Why? Because she was the OW? Because she would be telling this mans fiancée the truth about the man she is about to make the biggest commitment to? No, better she marries a cheat in ignorant bliss?? THAT is deranged.

The man is a cheat, he still tries it on with OP. I would bet money that OP is not the first, or last.

Pinkvoid · 23/10/2017 09:34

You’ll look pretty crazy tbh. What would you think if someone came along and said “Btw, I slept with your DH SIX YEARS AGO.” Would you even believe them? I’m not sure I would, I’d think they were a little unhinged to suddenly be telling me over half a decade later.

LightDrizzle · 23/10/2017 09:36

If the last contact had been the sex 6 years ago; I’d say no, do nothing, but given the intermittent attempts to make contact ever since, I’d say yes, let her make an informed choice before marrying him.

To all those posters fulminating about this being a narcissistic, attention grabbing, wedding spoiler on the part of the OP, she’s shown tremendous restraint to date don’t you think over the past 6 years? When she could have had all the relationship wrecking fun you’re projecting at any time she felt a little bored?
The OP clearly says she wouldn’t act as she did now, she’s not crowing and has entirely moved on. She’s asking for the right thing to do.
If I were the fiancée I’d want to know. I agree with other posters that it is very unlikely that you were his only “lapse” and he probably sends fishing emails/ texts intermittently to all. Not to mention habitually prospecting by offering help/ lifts to attractive women. What a shit! Lovely male colleagues have helped me (and their male colleagues) with things like airport drop-offs or shifting fridges, they managed this without scavenging for shags. He’s clearly on the prowl.

Lazy2Hazy · 23/10/2017 09:44

Oh do get over yourself

whiskyowl · 23/10/2017 09:44

The "deranged" comment is interesting. Firstly, why should the OP care so much what some random woman she doesn't know thinks of her? Secondly, a lot of how this goes over will depend on how it is done - there are many ways of breaking bad news, some show more solidarity and care than others.

The relationship isn't going to be wrecked by this revelation. It is already wrecked, it's just that one party in it may not know that.

Lazy2Hazy · 23/10/2017 09:46

Or maybe tell her, then she says she already knows. What will you do then?

PandorasXbox · 23/10/2017 09:48

I can’t help but feel that you pondering whether to tell this woman has nothing to do with altruism.

Bluntness100 · 23/10/2017 09:50

I actually find this quite appalling. Repeatedly shag an attached man who you don’t particularly fancy then six years later hear he’s getting married and deciding maybe you’ll horse on in there and try and cause some more damage to their relationship. Nice.

“Hey girlfriend, just thought you should know, I shagged your boyfriend a few times six years ago, was quite happy to keep it a secret and let you continue with this man for the last six years, I knew about you at the time, didn’t really fancy him but hey, any port in a storm, right, however now you’re getting married thought I’d get the knife in. Hope you’ve not had kids in the intervening time, or you’re not ill or anythjng. All a bit shitty I know, but hey that’s just The kinda gal I am. Good luck and all.”

TwattyvonTwatofTwatsville · 23/10/2017 09:50

lazy she may already know. In which case there is no harm done.

I'll bet she doesn't know about the emails fishing for second rounds..

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 23/10/2017 09:52

If you did say anything I'd be inclined to think its out of spite rather than concern for her, after all. You didn't give a shit about this poor unsuspecting women when you were shagging her partner, did you.

LightDrizzle · 23/10/2017 09:54

I’m sure OP knows that she is countenancing a thankless task. Believed or disbelieved, she is likely to cop a lot of flack. She behaved fairly crappily 6 years ago, nowhere near as crappily as her attached correspondent, but I think she is now prepared to put herself out to do the right thing, and credit to her. Credit too, for being honest with her husband about the past.

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