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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell the fiancée about her husband-to-be's past affair?

301 replies

PastMistakes · 23/10/2017 02:27

Long-time member, have name-changed. I'm really unsure about this so I'd appreciate honest answers. I'm prepared to be flamed.

Back story: as a student I had a part-time job where I worked with a man who I got on with very well, but was not especially attracted to. Nothing went on whilst we worked together.

I eventually left my job, and moved to a new flat elsewhere in town. Ex co-worker owned a car, and offered to help me move a few things. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex. I was flattered, but thought this would just be a one-time thing. However, he was quite keen and so it carried on fairly regularly for a couple of months until I ended it after meeting the man who is now my DH.

Ex co-worker was, and continues to be, in a long-term, monogamous relationship. I was aware of this, but I'm not really here to defend what I did or explain why I did it. I never met the girlfriend, and at the time I had absolutely no interest in 'stealing' her boyfriend or letting her know about the affair in any way.

Fast forward a few years, and I hear through the grapevine that ex co-worker proposed to his girlfriend and they are engaged to be married next year. Ex co-worker has intermittently tried to contact me in the intervening years, but he's apparently lost my number and can only do this though emails that I ignore. (DH has always been aware of everything, and I have never been - or ever will be - unfaithful to him.)

I have no great desire to, but should I/WIBU to now let the fiancée know about the past affair before she married this man? Would she want to know? Or should I just leave well alone?

OP posts:
Florence16 · 23/10/2017 06:36

I don’t see why you were happy to let someone go about living their life when you shagged their DP (that you supposedly didn’t even find remotely attractive) and only when a diamond comes along do you start giving a shiny shit. You’ve let her build a life with him for six years. Insanely cruel to do something about it now. You aren’t god, you have no idea what their relationship is like and the fact an engagement is a trigger for this 100% believes this is not for that poor woman’s benefit at all. You can try and mask it however you like, but this is all about you, just like shagging someone you didn’t even like because you could. Have you told your DH about this thread and what you want to do? If I were him I’d be pretty worried about who I’d married from the attitude you’re showing. Doesn’t sound like you’re remotely different to six years ago.

GnomeDePlume · 23/10/2017 06:40

What is the nature of him trying to get in contact? Is it possible that rather than rekindle the affair he is trying to get in contact with you to say 'please dont ever say anything, I'm a different person now'?

twinone · 23/10/2017 06:44

Struggling to see why you would want to say something after 6 years.
It would make you look bitter and jealous.
Are you?

mimiholls · 23/10/2017 06:46

@charolais or she could have gone on to have children and then grandchildren with someone who actually respects her. I'm so glad you're not my 'best friend'.

LoislovesStewie · 23/10/2017 06:48

I'm one of those who thinks you should say nothing. I too find it odd that news of a wedding should make you think that you should tell her. Some people stay in a relationship but unmarried for ever; would you decide to say something under some circumstance then? Say after 20 years? You don't see him or talk to him so why are you so concerned now? I'm also one of those who would not want to know; I wouldn't want another person to decide what is best for me.No-one else knows what goes on in another's relationship , just leave it alone.

MrsCrabbyTree · 23/10/2017 06:54

PastMistakes, don't allow others on MN to make you feel worse than you apparently do. Everyone makes a mistake or two and we don't all make the same mistakes. No-one is perfect. No-one. Now is the time to move on from that time 6 years ago and let the past remain in the past. Also, not every partner would like to know about infidelities.

PerfumeIsAMessage · 23/10/2017 06:56

Whatever the wrongs of what the cocklodger did, or does, telling his fiancée now, when you've known all along he was in a relationship just makes you look like you've got a strop on because he's marrying someone who's not you.
Yeah he's a shit. You were a shit to fuck him knowing he was in a relationship. You and him fucking didn't make him leave her back in the day, he will just paint you as woman scorned now.
Let it go.

user21 · 23/10/2017 07:06

Why is he a cocklodger?

1Wanda1 · 23/10/2017 07:09

There was a problem like this on the Grill Graham feature on Graham Norton’s radio show on Saturday. The answer was: not your circus, not your monkeys.

You don’t know what’s happened in the intervening period. Maybe the bloke has stopped cheating on his girlfriend and decided to settle down. Maybe he hasn’t. Either way it is not your business. Even if you were to tell her, you’re telling her about something 6 years old. What’s she supposed to do with that?

I would just get on with your own life and put this out of your mind.

Rheged · 23/10/2017 07:12

Gosh, leave well alone.

Bluntness100 · 23/10/2017 07:15

Omg, you are thinking of contacting this woman and saying hey I shagged your husband six years ago??? Heard you were getting married so thought I’d tell you. He sends me the occasional email still.

I’d honestly think you were deranged. Which is what I am sure he’s going to tell her. Honestly. Move on, it was six years ago.

HopefullyAnonymous · 23/10/2017 07:20

Still intrigued to know what your husband thinks.

FenceSitter01 · 23/10/2017 07:21

These threads are always about power and exercising it. The Op has information ie power, she can use to damage someone elses life/reputation. It's classic abusive behaviour.

AccrualIntentions · 23/10/2017 07:25

No way. Stay out of it. And block his number/email address/whatever. Absolutely none of your business.

schoolgaterebel · 23/10/2017 07:26

No, don’t contact her.

You do not know what’s happened in their relationship in the last 6 years, leave them alone.

UnicornRainbowColours · 23/10/2017 07:28

Why are you asking strangers on the internet? Leave them alone and stay away.

Runningissimple · 23/10/2017 07:29

I'd want to know and I completely understand why the imminent wedding makes you want to tell him. I'm surprised that so many posters would want to get married in blissful ignorance.

HotelEuphoria · 23/10/2017 07:35

No you shouldn't say a word. Nothing to be gained, and really if you had no feelings for him you shouldn't really care what us happening with his life now.

Sweetpea55 · 23/10/2017 07:42

Bloody selfish of you if you do.

Bruceishavingfish · 23/10/2017 07:52

The time to say something was back then.

You knew he was in a relationship. You knew it was long term. You must have known there was a good chance that they would get married eventually.

Maybe he has changed. Maybe he has cheated since. Why this sense of responsibility to tell her now?

You let her spend 6 years of her life with this man. You dont know him now. But you have decided now is the time to tell her.

Because this is about power. And you wanting to exercise it. You should have told her then

CloseToTheBone · 23/10/2017 07:53

If you had evidence that he had been unfaithful to the fiancée with a string of others in the 6 years since your fling with him, there might be justification in warning her. But if all you know is the one indiscretion with you, then I would say it's a long time ago and there is nothing to be gained by raising it with anyone. You have changed, he will have changed, it's well in the past. He may have told her all about it, he may not, she may be fine with it, she may not, you just don't know. Minding your own business is the best policy here.

Slartybartfast · 23/10/2017 07:56

Why do you think you are so special Angry

you do seem to have a high opinion on yourself.
why do you want to stick your oar in.
it is absolutely none of your business

you should be happy that he is settling down, but no, you want to ruin it!

Uokbing · 23/10/2017 07:56

Wowsers, I wonder if OP is having second thoughts about posting this now!

elevenclips · 23/10/2017 07:57

Long time ago, leave it.

Roussette · 23/10/2017 07:59

6 years???

No you flippin' well shouldn't tell her, who knows what has happened in that 6 years and it's not up to you to be judge and jury on someone's life.

You're obviously aggrieved with him about something and want to hurt him because I just wonder why he is on your mind so much. It's none of your business, keep out of it.