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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell the fiancée about her husband-to-be's past affair?

301 replies

PastMistakes · 23/10/2017 02:27

Long-time member, have name-changed. I'm really unsure about this so I'd appreciate honest answers. I'm prepared to be flamed.

Back story: as a student I had a part-time job where I worked with a man who I got on with very well, but was not especially attracted to. Nothing went on whilst we worked together.

I eventually left my job, and moved to a new flat elsewhere in town. Ex co-worker owned a car, and offered to help me move a few things. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex. I was flattered, but thought this would just be a one-time thing. However, he was quite keen and so it carried on fairly regularly for a couple of months until I ended it after meeting the man who is now my DH.

Ex co-worker was, and continues to be, in a long-term, monogamous relationship. I was aware of this, but I'm not really here to defend what I did or explain why I did it. I never met the girlfriend, and at the time I had absolutely no interest in 'stealing' her boyfriend or letting her know about the affair in any way.

Fast forward a few years, and I hear through the grapevine that ex co-worker proposed to his girlfriend and they are engaged to be married next year. Ex co-worker has intermittently tried to contact me in the intervening years, but he's apparently lost my number and can only do this though emails that I ignore. (DH has always been aware of everything, and I have never been - or ever will be - unfaithful to him.)

I have no great desire to, but should I/WIBU to now let the fiancée know about the past affair before she married this man? Would she want to know? Or should I just leave well alone?

OP posts:

BlueThesaurusRex · 23/10/2017 08:02

Have you thought about responding to the ex next time he gets in touch? Something along the lines of ‘heard you were getting married, hope you’ve stopped messing around?’

Missingstreetlife · 23/10/2017 08:02

The point is he still tries to contact op. That's why she thinks gf should know. So she could find out why he is contacting her and deal with whatever that is, or say to him that she knows he is getting married, wish him well and please don't make contact in future or she will tell gf.

Original poster

PastMistakes · 23/10/2017 08:04

Just to clarify a couple of things:

I am not jealous of this man. I do not want his attentions.

I didn't 'sit' on this for six years so that I could cause pain and destroy a wedding. I'm not some scorned woman out to get the fiancée. It's much more prosaic - I left the country with my DH and just forgot about ex co-worker and the fling. I was only ever temporarily reminded when he emailed me, but I would delete the email and just carry on with life. I had no idea he was even still with his girlfriend until I came back to the country recently and heard about the engagement.

It's clear that the intent behind the emails is not innocent.

I know it was a terrible thing to do; it was a foolish mistake and one I'm not proud of. However, as I said, I'm not here to defend or explain what happened but to gauge opinions on what is the best thing to do now. It's not necessary for posters to tell me off.

I have no nasty motivations to do anything to the fiancée. I just thought it was possible she may want to know before committing to this man. I said above that this was maybe an unreasonable assumption, and it looks like the majority of you think so and that IABU.

Thank you all for your thoughts. I will leave well alone in this case and not contact the fiancée.

OP posts:

Miserylovescompany2 · 23/10/2017 08:04

Emails sound like phishing attempts - you most likely won't be the only one receiving them?

I wouldn't tell her personally - I'd block his emails though.

TheNaze73 · 23/10/2017 08:05

Stop revelling in the drama, block & move on. He has

RidingWindhorses · 23/10/2017 08:06

If I were her I'd want to know.

However while I'm generally on the side of letting people know about cheating, and if it were a current affair I'd say yes, in this case I think it's too long ago now to be relevant. The contacting you doesn't add up to much on its own.

So in this instance I'd say no. Ignore all the misgonyst bollocks about jealousy and ruining weddings the rest of the hostile comments. Whenever there's a thread here about whether to reveal cheating there are a surprising number of women who are happy to collude in a conspiracy of silence under the banner of keeping their nose clean.

RidingWindhorses · 23/10/2017 08:07

Xpost with OP - I hope there have been enough sensible comments on here to be useful.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 23/10/2017 08:08

Interesting that you didn't block him despite the emails from him being unwanted.

whiskyowl · 23/10/2017 08:11

I never understand these threads. I particularly don't understand the "mind your own business" attitude. It seems to come from a rather 1950s kind of attitude of "What she doesn't know won't hurt her". And, lurking in the background, is some kind of very reactionary idea that it is somehow the other woman's fault, more than the guy's, that cheating has happened - that he is, in some way, not responsible for the choices and the consequences of his own actions. There's also a cognate idea that somehow the woman is doing this for revenge, deliberately ruining someone else's happiness. BUT THE HAPPINESS IS ALREADY RUINED. The guy chose to cheat. It is done. It doesn't really matter what the OW's motivations are - it's the husband who is to blame anyway.

I find it unbelievably depressing that this attitude lingers on.

Her happiness, her health, her future are at stake. I would want to know in her shoes, because I am a modern woman who does not choose to live in a shadowy half-world of suspicion, doubt and repressed grief.

pantrylightout · 23/10/2017 08:12

You sound like you are bored and looking for some excitement.

Original poster

PastMistakes · 23/10/2017 08:13

Not blocking on email is not some great interesting clue that I'm desperate for drama/attention. Setting up a block or filter takes up more time and energy than the second it takes to delete any infrequent contact from him. That's it. I just delete immediately.

He does not have my number.

I am not on social media so I have nothing to even block there.

OP posts:

RidingWindhorses · 23/10/2017 08:14

Agreed Whisky.

I'd like to know where the rubbish about jealousy and bitterness comes from in these threads. Are all these posters are jealous and bitter themselves so they attribute to the OP their own feelings, or is this just sexist brainwashing that that is what women are like?

Penfold007 · 23/10/2017 08:20

What would you say to her? Hello I'm the woman who had a sexual relationship with your son to be husband whilst I knew he was in a long term relationship with you. Oh by the way he still contacts me every few months
I really don't understand what you hope to achieve.

viques · 23/10/2017 08:20

Will you let his fiancée know that you had casual sex with your ex co worker AND provide her with your husbands phone number so she can share the news with him?

RidingWindhorses · 23/10/2017 08:22

She wasn't with her DH when she had the fling with this guy...

RavingRoo · 23/10/2017 08:23

She won’t believe you.

Bruceishavingfish · 23/10/2017 08:25

It really doesnt take longer to block an email address.

pigeondujour · 23/10/2017 08:25

And he knows about it. That for me would be the crux of it - OP and her husband both know the deal, they're sorted. It's up to the other guy to speak to his wife-to-be - or not and deal with the implications of hiding it, even if that just means his own guilt/pressure.

SuperBeagle · 23/10/2017 08:26

How do you know he's engaged? Did he tell you this through email?

whiskyowl · 23/10/2017 08:26

penfold - Maybe it's not "hoping to achieve" anything - OP has said time and time again she has no agenda, she just wonders if it would be best to be honest with someone who is about to marry a cheating scumbag, perhaps unwittingly, perhaps not.

There is NO happiness for this woman. There are only three choices:

Living in a world where she is the victim of a colossal lie and acknowledging it
Living in a world where she is the victim of a colossal lie and choosing not to acknowledge it
Knowing the truth

This is because the breakage of the trust between them has already happened. The cheating is done. It doesn't change that if she doesn't know about it. It is a fact already.

Roussette · 23/10/2017 08:26

After 6 years this just wouldn't feature on my radar at all. Another life another time and I honestly think it's not on to even think of contacting her. It's not 1950's behaviour, it's just past history that should stay in the past.

whiskyowl · 23/10/2017 08:30

It's NOT past history, though - he cheated on this woman and he is still with her. It's in the present, because it's very probably an active lie in their relationship now. She thinks she's marrying someone who is faithful, OP knows she isn't.

I don't get what people don't understand about this. If I knock over and kill a child on the road through reckless driving, it doesn't become "past history" because it was 10 years ago. It will eternally be true - it is an event that can't be taken back, that will always be in the present because it changes the fabric of reality for everyone connected with it. Cheating is the same. It's evental - it changes a relationship from being faithful to not and it cannot be taken back. What is more, the bloke in question continues to contact OP looking for further opportunities. This is very much in the present.

RidingWindhorses · 23/10/2017 08:32

And he's continuing to contact her, I'd imagine he's doing the same to other women too. Perhaps more successfully...

victoire1208 · 23/10/2017 08:36

You were complicit in the cheating. She loves him, you'd be a faceless accuser with unknown motives. You would be the bad guy and he will get away with it and her wedding/relationship tainted. I believe you when you say you aren't interested in him but I wouldn't get involved if I was you. I would worry about my husband's perception of my motives for muscling myself in to an ex's life after 6 years.

MrLovebucket · 23/10/2017 08:39

I'm boggling a little bit at why you had sex with a man you (a) knew was in a long-term relationship and (b) who you were "not especially attracted to"

Personally I wouldn't tell the girlfriend. Block this man on email, social media etc. and move on.

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