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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell the fiancée about her husband-to-be's past affair?

301 replies

PastMistakes · 23/10/2017 02:27

Long-time member, have name-changed. I'm really unsure about this so I'd appreciate honest answers. I'm prepared to be flamed.

Back story: as a student I had a part-time job where I worked with a man who I got on with very well, but was not especially attracted to. Nothing went on whilst we worked together.

I eventually left my job, and moved to a new flat elsewhere in town. Ex co-worker owned a car, and offered to help me move a few things. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex. I was flattered, but thought this would just be a one-time thing. However, he was quite keen and so it carried on fairly regularly for a couple of months until I ended it after meeting the man who is now my DH.

Ex co-worker was, and continues to be, in a long-term, monogamous relationship. I was aware of this, but I'm not really here to defend what I did or explain why I did it. I never met the girlfriend, and at the time I had absolutely no interest in 'stealing' her boyfriend or letting her know about the affair in any way.

Fast forward a few years, and I hear through the grapevine that ex co-worker proposed to his girlfriend and they are engaged to be married next year. Ex co-worker has intermittently tried to contact me in the intervening years, but he's apparently lost my number and can only do this though emails that I ignore. (DH has always been aware of everything, and I have never been - or ever will be - unfaithful to him.)

I have no great desire to, but should I/WIBU to now let the fiancée know about the past affair before she married this man? Would she want to know? Or should I just leave well alone?

OP posts:
2late2 · 23/10/2017 03:31

I get what you're saying OP. Marriage is a commitment and she's committing without all the facts. That said, after 6 years I would probably leave it alone. If this is his character there are probably other women he's cheated with who will come out of the woodwork in due course.

MakeItStopNeville · 23/10/2017 03:34

Omg! NO!! Don’t get involved. It’s absolutely none of your business. It was 6 years ago. You don’t know why he emails you because you don’t pursue it. It could be anything from wanting to close that section of his life to having the clap and thinking he should tell you! Just let it go!

user21 · 23/10/2017 03:39

Ex co-worker was, and continues to be, in a long-term, monogamous relationship

Obviously not!

FixItUpChappie · 23/10/2017 03:41

definitely don't IMO

Skweeler · 23/10/2017 03:55

I would want to know about his shenanigans before I married him! Could you make email contact and see what the state of play is/his intentions would be now? Then take it from there? Just thinking of wife to be.

keepcalmandfuckon · 23/10/2017 04:02

Bloody hell I’d want to know. I can’t believe people telling you to leave it. Of course you should tell her!

hiddley · 23/10/2017 04:12

I would look at your own motivation.

Charolais · 23/10/2017 04:38

Back in the early 1970’s I was waiting to get on a bus in town and to my surprise my best friend's boyfriend got off the bus holding hands with a girl who was not my best friend or anyone I knew for that matter. He just looked at me horrified.

I never said anything to my friend because she was a very dignified and proud person and would have broke up with him if I told her what I saw. I didn’t want be responsible for that.

They have been married since the mid-70’s have two sons and 7 grandchildren. They have a wonderful marriage. If I had told her what I saw that day those 2 sons and 7 grandchildren, good marriage etc would not exist.

I agree with the above poster, keep your snout out of it.

FreudianSlurp · 23/10/2017 04:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FreudianSlurp · 23/10/2017 04:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RadioGaGoo · 23/10/2017 05:06

Have you told your DH that you once had an affair with a man in a long term relationship? If you haven't, maybe you are better off keeping quiet for everyone's sake

RadioGaGoo · 23/10/2017 05:07

Oh dear God. Early morning reading fail. Ignore me and carry on.

WetPaint4 · 23/10/2017 05:17

I'd want to know. Even if I chose not to believe it, or just to ignore it, at least I'd been given the power to decide.

Petalflowers · 23/10/2017 05:26

It's too late now. If you were concerned about letting the gf know, you should have said something at the time, especially as they had already been together a while.

pigeondujour · 23/10/2017 05:27

I wouldn't, six years later and with their engagement as the catalyst. She will likely see it as evidence that you're either barking or intent on having him off of her, and you'll end up bearing the brunt. Your husband knows about it, so you're in a no risk situation; I'd keep it that way.

Dafspunk · 23/10/2017 05:29

You’ve said yourself that you’re a different person from what you were 6 years ago. Maybe he’s a completely different person too. Either way, it’s none of your business and you should just leave it.

LoverOfCake · 23/10/2017 05:47

Do you want to tell her because you're jealous? Because you thought he would ultimately want to be with you?

After all you were quite happy shagging this woman's partner, now you think you should ruin her wedding as well? After all, you were quite happy for her not to know for the past six years so let's not pretend that this has anything to do with being honourable or because you think she's entitled to know the truth, you didn't care about that for the past six years you only care now you can ruin her wedding. Sounds like this is all about you and nobody else, and if I were your DH I'd be wondering what your agenda was as well.

KC225 · 23/10/2017 06:00

When was the last time he tried to contact you? What us the nature of the contact? Is it some kind of neutral Facebook request or is it or is he trying to rekindle the past?

It's a tough one. You knew he was in a relationship back in the day and didn't care about her feelings then. But for all those saying don't get involved - YOU WERE INVOLVED that is the whole point.

I would want to know all the facts if I was getting married but I am not sure you will be believed or come out of this well.

Bonez · 23/10/2017 06:07

@Charolais that's not to say he ever stopped his affairs! Lots of men (and women) have happy and successful marriages while still disrespecting their spouse behind closed doors!

LoverOfCake · 23/10/2017 06:13

Well, presumably the OP hasn't been bothered enough about his contact to block him in the past six years?

There is no other reason for doing this than bitterness and spite. After all, if the OP has changed (and from what she wants to do here it doesn't sound like it,) maybe he has too? Maybe the fiancé already knows? Maybe the bloke felt guilty about it and told her everything at the time?maybe the contact is to say that the fiancé would rather like to tell the OP's dh what kind of woman he is married to?

It's incredibly arrogant to assume that the OP should be the one to tell her what kind of man she is marrying when she is the one who has been with him for the past six years and OP was merely a shag on the side.

They could have had a good relationship, bought a house, had a couple of kids in six years and OP would have been happy for her to remain oblivious. But now that there's a wedding in the equation she suddenly should know? Riiiiiiiight.

Florence16 · 23/10/2017 06:14

This thread makes you look awful OP. You shagged someone else’s DP without a second thought, and only now when a wedding is on the cards for them, do you feel like doing something about it? SIX years later? Shock for all you know he told his DP. You did a horrid thing and if you were a decent person you wouldn’t be contemplating causing a shit storm before a wedding. I am really shocked by this post, what a vile person you are. Nothing on MN has left such a bad taste in my mouth before. Confused

BoomBoomsCousin · 23/10/2017 06:16

I would want to know OP. I might well hate you for telling me (and for the affair), but I'd want to know before I married him (I'd have wanted to know immediately, but certainly before I took steps that would make it harder to dissolve our relationship).

MrsCrabbyTree · 23/10/2017 06:29

If I were you I would not tell the finance.

It's too long ago for your involvement to be the only relevant factor. He may have been faithful since. If he has not, then let the more recent OW tell her. Either way, it is no longer something for you to concern yourself as I think the potential backlash is not worth it for a mistake so far in your past.

I really feel for you but please just leave their relationship chips fall where they may and look after you and your family.

EasterRobin · 23/10/2017 06:30

6 years? I would say no. It's not a current situation and you've no reason to think it would have any bearing on their ability to have a long and successful marriage. In the nicest possible way, you are no longer relevant to them.

DenPerry · 23/10/2017 06:31

I'm shocked at the replies. I would want to know my husband-to-be is a completely different person to who I thought.. I would want to know he was putting his dick in someone else even if it was 6 years ago. I'd also reply to one of his emails and see what he wants to confirm he is still at it.