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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell the fiancée about her husband-to-be's past affair?

301 replies

PastMistakes · 23/10/2017 02:27

Long-time member, have name-changed. I'm really unsure about this so I'd appreciate honest answers. I'm prepared to be flamed.

Back story: as a student I had a part-time job where I worked with a man who I got on with very well, but was not especially attracted to. Nothing went on whilst we worked together.

I eventually left my job, and moved to a new flat elsewhere in town. Ex co-worker owned a car, and offered to help me move a few things. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex. I was flattered, but thought this would just be a one-time thing. However, he was quite keen and so it carried on fairly regularly for a couple of months until I ended it after meeting the man who is now my DH.

Ex co-worker was, and continues to be, in a long-term, monogamous relationship. I was aware of this, but I'm not really here to defend what I did or explain why I did it. I never met the girlfriend, and at the time I had absolutely no interest in 'stealing' her boyfriend or letting her know about the affair in any way.

Fast forward a few years, and I hear through the grapevine that ex co-worker proposed to his girlfriend and they are engaged to be married next year. Ex co-worker has intermittently tried to contact me in the intervening years, but he's apparently lost my number and can only do this though emails that I ignore. (DH has always been aware of everything, and I have never been - or ever will be - unfaithful to him.)

I have no great desire to, but should I/WIBU to now let the fiancée know about the past affair before she married this man? Would she want to know? Or should I just leave well alone?

OP posts:
WhataHexIgotinto · 23/10/2017 09:56

Setting up a block or filter takes up more time and energy

What nonsense.

You know nothing about this couple at all, or the dynamics of their relationship. She may already know.

KarateKitten · 23/10/2017 09:56

I think you should have told her at the time. I'd still want to know regardlessbut would feel deep rage at you for wasting 6 yrs of my life telling me then rather than many years earlier when I could have moved on.

It's sad really. I'm sad for her. Because she's likely not to have a nice marriage with someone like that and it's possible she has no idea he's a cheater.

KarateKitten · 23/10/2017 09:56

....telling me now (not then).

Original poster
PastMistakes · 23/10/2017 09:57

Bluntness, I've already explained I wasn't spitefully sitting on it. And I've already agreed it is best I don't say anything now.

Do you think it would have been better for me to find a way of contacting her and letting her know at the time? Was it my responsibility to let her know?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 23/10/2017 09:57

Oh and you could add a ps.

Ps I know it looks like I’ve sat on this info for six years waiting for the moment to cause you absolute maximum damage, but I’m really just trying to do the right thing, it’s not that I’m a complete and utter vengeful bitch at all”

I’m sure she’d be very understanding and think good on you.

Bluntness100 · 23/10/2017 09:59

Do you think it would have been better for me to find a way of contacting her and letting her know at the time? Was it my responsibility to let her know

If it wasn’t your responsibility then, why is it now? If you want to shag an attached man and then tell his partner then yes at the time is the time to do it, not let her get another six years under her belt, be in the midst of planning her wedding then decide it’s your responsibility.

Original poster
PastMistakes · 23/10/2017 10:02

I know I lacked empathy when I did what I did when I was in my teens. Again, I don't need to be told off.

Everyone has made their point, and it is overwhelmingly that I should leave well alone and should not even have thought of contacting her. I understand why this has been suggested, and I will thus not contact her.

OP posts:
Original poster
PastMistakes · 23/10/2017 10:03

I haven't decided it's my responsibility, have I? I was unsure whether it was, so asked for opinions.

OP posts:
WonderLime · 23/10/2017 10:04

Is he sending you personalised hook up emails, or are they just random ‘hi - fancy a shag’ type things? I wonder if it’s a phishing thing as I can’t really see why he would still be interested in you after 6 years.

After all, you said you’re not on social media and have no contact with one another - why would he still clinging onto hope that you will hope into bed with him?

whiskyowl · 23/10/2017 10:06

Oh honestly, it's like you all really believe these blokes only cheat because they've been brainwashed by the siren-song of the Other Woman.

They cheat because they're opportunistic, lowlife scumbags who will shag anything that moves given half a chance. If it wasn't the OP, it would have been someone else.

The person to blame for ruining the relationship is the party in the relationship who cheated. One hundred percent. Let's put the blame where it belongs.

formerbabe · 23/10/2017 10:06

These stories are always the same.

Couldn't give a fuck about the girlfriend or wife while you're shagging.

Then, suddenly, you remember the sisterhood and really care about her and her future life and feelings.

It's a complete cliche.

sofato5miles · 23/10/2017 10:06

Keep quiet. And, no, woman don't always find out, and the same goes for men too. My SIL is a case in point. Her DH was unfaithful through uni and pre marriage but has been faithful since (appara) and they have been married for over 25 years.

Slartybartfast · 23/10/2017 10:07

what does he say in his emails to you?

BlondeB83 · 23/10/2017 10:09

So you feel the lies and deceit are worse now they’re engaged? Bizarre.

LightDrizzle · 23/10/2017 10:09

I find it more “deranged” to be posting stuff like “What if she already knows? What will you do then?” as if the only motives for informing the fiancée could be competitive or destructive. It says more about the commenter living in a High School Heathers parallel universe than the OP. As previous posters have observed, if the fiancée knows, then the OP is doing no harm, she is either ignored or gets a reply dripping in condescension from the fiancée informing her of the fact.
However I think the fiancée should be able to make an informed choice before marrying. She is a real person with a life and she is he crux of this dilemma, not the OP and her character, I’ve been divorced, it was the right thing to do but no fucking picnic. Can we not accept that people can do bad things and good things over a lifetime? Must the OP be either the madwoman in the attic or an angel of the hearth and nothing in between?
I think there is a lot of projection going on in this thread. It’s weird as fuck.

RidingWindhorses · 23/10/2017 10:12

Oh honestly, it's like you all really believe these blokes only cheat because they've been brainwashed by the siren-song of the Other Woman

Not only that but they subscribe to misogynist notions of women's behaviour all bitter, jealous, vengeful, trying to ruin peoples' lives. One can only imagine that these posters are like that themselves.

Some women here have spent far too much time reading the tabloids and listening to worthless men spout crap about women.

It's very depressing.

Theseaweed · 23/10/2017 10:13

My god no. This would just seem spiteful. It's nothing to do with you and if you were going to say something maybe you should have done it years ago.

Roussette · 23/10/2017 10:16

I'd too like to know what his emails say, don't tell me OP you don't open them because I don't believe you.....

I just think it is not your place to drop a bombshell on them from a great height after all this time. And even as whisky says she knows about it, does she really want it all churned up now?

Original poster
PastMistakes · 23/10/2017 10:17

If I were to speak to the fiancée and she already knew, then I would just apologise again and we'd all carry on with our separate lives without any further contact.

What else would you have expected me to do in that instance?

OP posts:
Annwithnoe · 23/10/2017 10:17

Has he been in contact with you since he has been engaged to her?

whiskyowl · 23/10/2017 10:20

rousette - I don't know how to state this more clearly. It. Already. Happened.

Of course, the moment something sickening like cheating is revealed stays with you forever, BUT it's important to realise that it's a retroactive shock. The actual harm, the cause of the pain, already happened. And that pain is not the fault of the messenger or the Other Woman - it's the fault of the man who broke an implicit or explicit promise to be faithful in choosing to unbutton his fly for an extra-marital shag. He's the one who owes the wife a duty of fidelity and care, and he's the one who has broken a promise (implicit or explicit) to be faithful. (If no such promise has been made, e.g the relationship is open, then the wife can just tell the OP that in response and no harm done).

The marriage is ruined ALREADY. It's just the wife-to-be may not know it yet.

Aderyn17 · 23/10/2017 10:23

I think she has a right to know. If he wasn't still trawling, I'd say leave it alone after all this time, but he is still trying it on and she should be told what kind of man she is marrying before it is a done deal.

I am uncomfortable with all the accusations that the OP wants to just wreck a wedding, is jealous, will sound deranged. There's nothing in her OP which suggests anything other than her being a woman who has grown up in the past 6 years, knows she didn't behave well and wants to give this other woman a heads up that her bloke is not who she thinks!

Original poster
PastMistakes · 23/10/2017 10:25

Yes he has. I heard about the engagement earlier this year, when I met up with a friend who I went to university with and who worked with us both. She keeps in touch with everyone, and obviously doesn't know about the fling.

Yes I read the emails before deleting. They're chatty, personalised, full of innuendo and always signed off with an invitation to 'catch up' at his place or similar. Just the usual things men say to try their luck.

OP posts:
elfinpre · 23/10/2017 10:29

I think if he is still trying to hook up with you and pestering you now then you'd be doing her a favour by letting her know. If it's firmly in the past, however, let it stay there.

Original poster
PastMistakes · 23/10/2017 10:30

I just smiled and nodded when friend told me. I didn't ask for the information before anyone accuses me of that.

I hadn't actually spoken to the friend in years either. I really did not expect to get an update on him.

OP posts: