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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell the fiancée about her husband-to-be's past affair?

301 replies

PastMistakes · 23/10/2017 02:27

Long-time member, have name-changed. I'm really unsure about this so I'd appreciate honest answers. I'm prepared to be flamed.

Back story: as a student I had a part-time job where I worked with a man who I got on with very well, but was not especially attracted to. Nothing went on whilst we worked together.

I eventually left my job, and moved to a new flat elsewhere in town. Ex co-worker owned a car, and offered to help me move a few things. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex. I was flattered, but thought this would just be a one-time thing. However, he was quite keen and so it carried on fairly regularly for a couple of months until I ended it after meeting the man who is now my DH.

Ex co-worker was, and continues to be, in a long-term, monogamous relationship. I was aware of this, but I'm not really here to defend what I did or explain why I did it. I never met the girlfriend, and at the time I had absolutely no interest in 'stealing' her boyfriend or letting her know about the affair in any way.

Fast forward a few years, and I hear through the grapevine that ex co-worker proposed to his girlfriend and they are engaged to be married next year. Ex co-worker has intermittently tried to contact me in the intervening years, but he's apparently lost my number and can only do this though emails that I ignore. (DH has always been aware of everything, and I have never been - or ever will be - unfaithful to him.)

I have no great desire to, but should I/WIBU to now let the fiancée know about the past affair before she married this man? Would she want to know? Or should I just leave well alone?

OP posts:
Temporary2002 · 25/10/2017 07:29

You should leave it alone and don't get involved.

Bonez · 25/10/2017 08:21

@Charolais your friend's boyfriend was making a mug of her and you knew about it and didn't say a word. Couldn't have been a very close friend of yours.

Middleoftheroad · 25/10/2017 08:32

Keep out of this and get on with your own life now. Put filters on your emails and block his messages.

TheLuminaries · 25/10/2017 08:40

Charlois I'm glad you aren't my 'best friend' - who needs enemies? OP's case is completely different as she doesn't know the fiance, it was far in the past and she is unlikely to be believed. You didn't have the integrity to tell your best friend what was happening under her nose at the time. That's not how friends treat friends.

TwattyvonTwatofTwatsville · 25/10/2017 17:26

mistress your comments to OP are pretty hateful.

She is clearly not 'invested', nor interested in this willy waggler and neither does she deserve your venom.

Honestly, I think some of the posters on here who want to flame the OP for a fling she regrets AS AN UNATTACHED teenager are pretty revolting.

Am sure your own lives are utterly without reproach in every way.

Original poster
PastMistakes · 25/10/2017 19:26

Mistress, I have never cheated on anyone and I would never be unfaithful to my DH.

I was single at the time of the affair, and had not yet met my DH.

OP posts:
Mumof56 · 25/10/2017 22:03

However, he was quite keen and so it carried on fairly regularly for a couple of months until I ended it after meeting the man who is now my DH

I ended it after meeting the man who is now my DH

I was single at the time of the affair, and had not yet met my DH

not yet met my DH

@pastmistakes. which is it?Hmm

MistressDeeCee · 25/10/2017 22:28

TwattyvonTwatofTwatsville don't be ridiculous, please. I can't "hate" someone I've never met. My comments are purely based on situation as described - Lord alone knows why you are singling me out amongst the numerous comments.

But that aside - if a woman doesn't want to be in contact with her ex via email then she blocks him. If she does not mind the contact - then she won't. In this instance there's a reason for maintaining contact and it sounds as if OP is liking the power re possibly hurting another woman (again - even though the woman didnt know, 1st time round). Im doubting the OP's DH knows either. Its sly.

I don't know if thats clear enough for you...if its not, Im sure you can sift thru the comments and find something more to your line of thinking. OP sounds as if she can handle herself. Maybe you're her mate or something but unfortunately not everyone is going to agree with you, or OP. This is 1 topic amongst many on MN, no biggie

AnyFucker · 25/10/2017 22:40

Well spotted Mumof56

Original poster
PastMistakes · 25/10/2017 23:02

Mumof - I was with ex-coworker. I then met DH and realised he was the one for me after some time and a few dates.

At this point - before I had ever slept with DH and before we had decided to become a couple/exclusive - I ended it with ex-coworker.

I don't feel that this is too difficult to understand?

OP posts:
Original poster
PastMistakes · 25/10/2017 23:05

In fact I remember telling ex-coworker that I was ending it because I had met someone I truly cared for and was never going to hurt.

Ex co-worker obviously tried to persuade me otherwise, but I no longer engaged with his attempts at contact.

OP posts:
Original poster
PastMistakes · 25/10/2017 23:07

To clarify even further, I was single when the affair started. That's what I meant when I said I hadn't met DH at the time.

I then met DH and we dated. Before I became exclusive with DH I ended it with co-worker.

I have never been unfaithful to DH.

OP posts:
Original poster
PastMistakes · 25/10/2017 23:11

My DH is aware of everything. It's obviously up to posters whether they believe that or not, I can't really say anything to prove it.

But that's the truth.

OP posts:
Original poster
PastMistakes · 25/10/2017 23:27

And I've addressed the blocking thing already. I run my own email server & it takes slightly longer to set up blocking than just to delete the emails. So I delete the emails. It's lazy, but I can't be bothered to go out of my way to change my setup. Why should I?

And he doesn't have my number, despite always asking for it, and I am not on social networks so I don't have anything else to block.

And what is the purpose of going out of my way to block the one or two emails a year?

So, if I don't, that's proof I'm not sorry enough? That I am absolutely gagging for this loser's badly-spelt, gross, and irritating emails?

Even if these are emails that I don't ask for, and don't reply to? This unwanted contact could be seen - as another poster pointed out - as low-level harassment. But because I don't go out of my way to block them it's my fault?

OP posts:
Original poster
PastMistakes · 25/10/2017 23:32

And then what's to stop him just changing his email address?

Do I just keep blocking them one at a time? Should I just block a whole domain?

If I do that, is that enough to prove I'm not a desperate woman determined to keep this man's attentions and ruin someone else's relationship?

I did not realise that going out of my way to stop this man behaving inappropriately was my responsibility, and that's its my fault that he continues to try and contact me.

OP posts:
Original poster
PastMistakes · 25/10/2017 23:39

Or maybe I should just change my email, even though I've had it for years for both personal and professional correspondence. Then I suppose I really have gone out of my way to do everything I can to make sure this man is no longer forced to contact me.

Would that be enough to demonstrate that I'm not a 'sly' person, Mistress?

OP posts:
EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 26/10/2017 00:01

Ignore them op no need to change anything just keep ignoring him I doubt you are the only one

It’s past you made a mistake we are all capable of being foolish at times

TwattyvonTwatofTwatsville · 26/10/2017 00:31

mistress your comments are not 'purely based on situation as described' as you wrongly called OP a cheat. The rest of your comments were your own rather weird and nasty spin on why somehow the OP has encouraged this twat. You end with saying they are as bad as each other?? So the OP who regrets her fling whilst a SINGLE WOMAN is, in your own words as bad as a man about to get married who still chases ex conquests?! And 'sly'because she hasn't blocked his emails? You sound bonkers.

OP - ignore idiots like this.

Notanumberuser · 26/10/2017 06:19

None of that answers why you read the emails. Why do you read them?

And yes, bit of fudging there on the single / attached thing. If I was your DH I personally wouldn’t be happy that you were shagging someone else whilst dating me. But that’s me.

PastMistakes · 26/10/2017 08:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 26/10/2017 08:22

OP

Fuck this thread - you don't need to answer or defend yourself to anyone

It's Aibu therefore a cast iron guarantee to get nasty

Hide thread that's my advice

TwattyvonTwatofTwatsville · 26/10/2017 08:38

OP - don't take it to heart.

I am frankly pretty shocked at the number of posters on here to seem to subscribe to the 'poor men.. not their fault if they are lured away from their partner by some scarlet woman' theory.

If you are in a committed monogamous relationship (like being engaged) and you contact ex lovers in the hope of getting another bite at the cherry you are a total and utter dick.
This man is probably trying it on elsewhere. I feel sorry for the woman he is marrying.

And I'm so sorry to hear about your assault Flowers. Concentrate on your happiness now with your DH and forget the judgey-pants posters on here.

whiskyowl · 26/10/2017 08:44

"Fuck this thread - you don't need to answer or defend yourself to anyone"

Yep.

This is Mumsnet, so you have to do inhuman amounts of frantic virtue signalling to be counted a good person. No-one here ever reads emails just out of idle curiosity, with no intention of cheating.

Honestly, the levels of contrarianism and ridiculousness on this site are insane.

DrKrogersfavouritepatient · 26/10/2017 09:10

.*If I was your DH I personally wouldn’t be happy that you were shagging someone else whilst dating me. But that’s me.
Why do we care about the DH (who was then just a new "interest")
I'm with Mrs Cropley from the Vicar of Dibley whose one regret was that she hadn't had enough casual sex.

Notanumberuser · 26/10/2017 09:15

I have never ever dated multiple people at the same time. And I’ve never had an affair with an attached person but not been shagging them. That’s a new one on me.