To ignore her?

[AwayInLalaLand]

I received a series of Facebook message recently from a woman I don't know at all and have no mutual friends with. Apparently, in 2011, I went on four dates with her current boyfriend.

Her messages are very long and she asks a series of personal questions including did he get you pregnant? Did you have an abortion? She asks because "he can't remember". I didn't respond and she's been messaging since calling me unfair for not answering.

I never slept with him.

She is saying it's upsetting him not knowing if he has a child and I owe him an explanation. Funnily enough he has messaged me or attempted to contact me in anyway. She has given me her mobile number and is demanding I call her.

Am I being unreasonable ignoring her and just blocking her or should I respond and fix his memory? I just feel that six years later it's ridiculous to message me out of the blue about impossibilities.

In all fairness I would have responded something along the lines of

‘We never even had sex now get a grip and leave me alone,stop messaging me’

Mainly because if you ignore people of the type she presents as they tend to ramp up there efforts so you have to be clear with them

It would actually be perfectly all right to reply
'I have no idea who you are but if you contact me again I will report you for harassment, now fuck off.'

You don't owe this mad cow anything.

Makes you wonder what type of a sob story he's given her. Or if he's mixed you up with someone who came after you.

I probably would have messaged "Why? What on earth has he told you?" but then I'm a 'Meddlesome Matty" and that's a teapot lid I'd have to lift.

I agree with Needsa. Ignoring her is just going to send her mind into overdrive and you don't know what is really going on. While none of that is obviously your issue, it wouldn't hurt to alleviate her distress.

It will take you a minute to write a quick note saying you never had sex with the man and because you are very uncomfortable with her communication that you are going to block her.

I would simply say "I had four dates and never slept with XY, so of course no pregnancy. I am blocking you now, please do not message again."

Then leave it.

This is not your problem in the least. Her behaviour is outrageous, intrusive and rude - and if you've had nothing to do with him since a handful of dates six years ago, he's not your problem either.

I think the thing that's niggling at me is that he's told her something in order to manipulate her or get money out of her. Her increasing, um, 'shrillness' kind of indicates that he's playing on her emotions in some way, and I can't imagine it's for any good purpose.

I know it's not OP's responsibility and it's not the same, but I guess I'm looking at it in the light of a gf messaging a prior gf something like "Did XX have a bad temper/borrow money off you/whatever when you were together?". I'd want to help a 'fellow woman' out if they were possibly in a bad situation, or heading that way. Not to the extent of baring my secrets or answering extremely personal questions, but I guess if I can spare her some pain or embarrassment with a few simple answers I'd want to do it.

If he were actually terrified and stressed out that he might have an unknown child out there (with a woman he never slept with), I imagine it would be him contacting you. And I imagine his messages would be more reasoned and level.

It's pretty clear to me she's a jealous or overbearing gf contacting all the women in his fb list, checking up on him. She sounds... difficult, to be diplomatic. Stay as far away as you can.

I feel for the poor bloke, honestly. If you were close to him still, I'd recommend letting him know that she's doing this to you (and possibly other women he momentarily dated years ago). But as you're not close or in regular contact, I'd strongly recommend staying right out of it!

One of my friends saw her boyfriend's ex with a child and was convinced she'd had his child secretly. She started asking everyone about her and stalking her.

It wasn't the Ex's child. It never really blew over and they broke up fairly quickly after that. I still can't believe how she obsessed and how totally irrational she got.

Forgot to add - We did think maybe she was infertile though from something she'd said, or that she wanted his child to raise.

Definitely not unreasonable to block. 14 messages in 24 hours would ring alarm bells for me.

Is he on your Facebook OP? Is that where she’s got information from you / seen pictures of your DC etc? Worth checking your privacy settings and locking them down and him out possibly?

On second thought...

I would simply say "I had four dates and never slept with XY, so of course no pregnancy. I am blocking you now, please do not message again."

Then leave it.

...I think this is a good idea. It's short and succinct, and it leaves no open questions. It should get her off your back for good, and it should ease her mind some as well.

The only thing I would change, is I might add that it was 6 years ago and you haven't been in contact since.

I get the idea that she is worried he's doing something or checking up on him, so if you let her know that it was ages ago, no child is possible, and that you don't even talk to him any longer, she'll most likely just check you off her list and leave you alone for good. And if she doesn't, you've done everything you can - just block her!

@GeekyWombat this is the thing. No I don't have him on any social media. I don't post about the DC on Fb. We went to the same Uni and live at least four hours away from eachother. I have no idea how she's found me (I don't have my real name on FB) or how she's gotten any information about me. I check my privacy regularly she can't even see if anyone liked my cover photo/profile picture

I'd go with what Italiangreyhound suggests. I think it's a bit cruel to not respond to her. And yes, I know it's not 'up to you' or anyone else to manage her relationship problems but it wouldn't take much to at least put her mind at rest. Her boyfriend is clearly giving her cause to behave irrationally like this.

Away Have you taken a look at her profile - are there many friends / photos etc attached to it? Could it be a sock puppet he’s set up on a fishing expedition or some such.

It just feels like such a weird thing to do - especially if she’s not gone through a friends list of women and put together a list of people she’s querying or some such.

Just block her. You owe her nothing. Don't let her issues become your problem.

Just reply
You're hiding nothing

I hate this 'not your problem' attitude. It's not, but you could help her by giving a few seconds of your time

Maybe you could unblock her briefly and send her a message telling her what you've said here - you dated him four times and never slept with him. So that's that. Then block her again.

Block

He's probably gone round getting a few women pregnant and she's found out somehow.

Blocking her is potentially going to escalate the situation. You may find her turning up on your doorstep. You don’t know if she’s a rational person pushed to breaking point or has mental health problems. Personally I’d want to avoid this scenario.

Send her Italiangreyhounds message:
I had four dates and never slept with XY so ofcourse no pregnancy. I am blocking you now, please do not message me again.

It’s succinct and will hopefully get her off your back.

Going against the grain, I’d be tempted to tell him what she is doing. She sounds like she could end up dangerous towards someone, her boyfriend included.

I’d be tempted to tell her that I had three children with him and 'thanks for helping me track him down, he owes me a lot of money for back child support'.

I would send her a 'sorry, you are mistaken...' Type message, then block.

I'm not sure why someone who is clearly in great mental distress is worthy of such derision tbh.

It's shocking to see how unsupportive people are towards a stranger's MH and just how far some people have to go in understanding.

She might well be 'insane', but she is clearly in genuine distress.

Replying to her might make no difference at all to her peace of mind, but then it might. She might not actually be insane. She might be like one of the many women who post on her who feel driven towards unreasonable behaviour by her partner's actions/words and is too caught up in it to realise that, if she is that unhappy, she should just walk away.

I would imagine that her greatest fear though (whether mentally ill or just a bit unreasonable) is that whoever she is contacting isn't going to give her any peace and might, even worse than that, be talking and laughing about her behind her back.

I agree with Italiangreyhounds suggestion too.

Yeah, I don't see why it's such a big problem to tell her what you've told us before you block her. Why ignore her whilst she gets more distressed? It seems just wilfully cruel.