To ignore her?

[AwayInLalaLand]

I received a series of Facebook message recently from a woman I don't know at all and have no mutual friends with. Apparently, in 2011, I went on four dates with her current boyfriend.

Her messages are very long and she asks a series of personal questions including did he get you pregnant? Did you have an abortion? She asks because "he can't remember". I didn't respond and she's been messaging since calling me unfair for not answering.

I never slept with him.

She is saying it's upsetting him not knowing if he has a child and I owe him an explanation. Funnily enough he has messaged me or attempted to contact me in anyway. She has given me her mobile number and is demanding I call her.

Am I being unreasonable ignoring her and just blocking her or should I respond and fix his memory? I just feel that six years later it's ridiculous to message me out of the blue about impossibilities.

What Karate said.

I feel quite sorry for her tbh. There probably is a woman somewhere who told her then boyfriend she had an abortion but kept the baby and this woman is now trying to find out the truth.

An old colleague of mine went through something similar. It was all a tangled web of lies and confusion with her boyfriend pleading he couldn’t remember/he was lied to/he had a child somewhere etc. It emerged initially because they were talking about planning a baby together and he spilled out this history of there being a possibility of an unknown child already out there. At the time, my colleague was distraught as she felt she didn’t know the man she was planning a future with. It all got sorted and they are (presumably) happily married now but it was a tough time for her. She was distraught at the time but her now husband was going through a very difficult time as he had been made redundant and he wasn’t coping well and he was the one taking up the past and all his perceived past wrongdoings and berating himself over them.

I think I'd have replied, very briefly: "Hello, we've never met. I did date X, but we only went out four times back in 20XX. We never slept together, so there was no possibility of pregnancy or abortion. I hope that sets your mind at rest. Without wanting to seem unfriendly, I'd prefer it if you didn't contact me again, as this is something that's very much in the past for me, but I wish you well for the future."

If she contacted me again after that, other than with a simple thank you/acknowledgement, I'd block her.

There probably is a woman somewhere who told her then boyfriend she had an abortion but kept the baby and this woman is now trying to find out the truth.

The OP has no idea if that's the case. I think madness lies in trying to second-guess what might be going on in this person's head/life.

But it might not help them to engage. It might make their distress greater if you offer up one tidbit of info and then hide away

Maybe, but doing nothing and not even treating her with a bit of dignity seems cruel.

No, I had no children with him. We went on 4 dates and didn't sleep together. There is nothing more I can tell you. Please don't message me again.

and then block isn't really giving her 'tidbits'.

I just think that if she is distressed enough to be hounding someone like this, the mental anguish must be unbearable.

Of course the OP doesn’t know but in all likelihood this woman had been told some sort of information that she is trying to make sense of.

It is also more likely she is genuinely distressed as just ‘unhibged’ but as nobody actually knows imo it is unnecessarily cruel not to have sent one reply.

'in all likelihood this woman had been told some sort of information that she is trying to make sense of.'

No, it's not 'in all likelihood'. No one has any earthly idea.

And telling this stranger 'No, I had no children with him. We went on 4 dates and didn't sleep together.' It's none of her fucking business, distressed or not.

FB can distort things; it's worth remembering that if it didn't exist it's fairly unlikely that this woman would have found the OP and therefore that the OP would have been faced with this problem of whether or how to respond.

Can’t you message him and ask him to talk to her. I bet he doesn’t know what she is doing. He must know you didn’t sleep with him?

I'm not deliberately not treating her with dignity or trying to be cruel. I had a notification I had a message request. About two hours later I got round to checking it and found four messages from her. Each lengthy. Getting more intrusive and rude. It was late when she messaged me and I decided to sleep on it because I don't know her and the messages were a bit much. So, the following evening I went to respond and found a lot more messages and that's when it became intimidating and I became unwilling to engage with her because she seems very aggressive. It doesn't show that I read her messages until I "accept" her messages to be able to respond.

“I dont know you at all, but bombarding me with 14 messages in 24 hours makes it obvious that you are very anxious about this. To put your mind at rest, we went on four dates in 2011 and never slept together so no baby or abortion would have been possible. There is really nothing else to say on the subject so I would appreciate it if you didn’t contact me again but I wish you well for the future”.

Isn’t this a bit like when the police say that you have to make it clear to a stalker, just the once, that their attentions are unwanted?

Ooh sorry - x-post. How are her messages aggressive? Has she threatened you?

Block her. why are you reading the messages? those people are not in your life and they can not be unless you respond. block her then delete her.

I wouldn't engage at all to be honest, I'd just block. Who you have or have not slept with is your business and I wouldn't want to get caught up in anyone else's drama.

“Do you have any evidence that she actually is his gf? He might have his own stalker who is escalating.....”

That was my first thought. Have you any evidence, apart from her messages, that he has a relationship with this woman?
He may not even know her!

I’d send a reply, firmly telling her not to contact you again, then block.

Omg she sounds like perhaps she has questioned him about all his relationships and wants names and details 😂 lunatic. I actually feel sorry for her, what a way to live.

Block her.

I personally might consider messaging the guy (you dated all of 4 times many years ago) at this point and be very blunt along the lines of: I am getting threatening, harassing messages from what appears to be your current GF. If they don't stop immediately, I will be contacting the police about her stalking and harassment of me.

Or just contact the police. You feel threatened, and they haven't stopped. Let them have a chat with her.

"Christ on a fucking bike, I hope they lock her up forever. What a lunatic." Luckily Aquamarine we no longer lock Mentally ill people up indefinitely, we try and treat them and support them to have a life.

OP, if she was in NZ, I would say that we know her. My DD had a similar grilling from a distant relatives new GF. She definitely has a Personality disorder of some sort and it was certainly not because of a story he had fed her. The family are begging him to end it, but he already feels responsible for her.

There are people with PDs/Anxiety/Paranoia etc of all Genders, don't assume it's the mans fault that this is happening.

So if some bloke was busily messaging exs demanding to know details of their sex lives would we be saying 'ah bless, treat the poor guy with a bit of dignity?'

Aside from that I fail to see how indulging this woman is treating her with dignity.

I feel quite sorry for her tbh. There probably is a woman somewhere who told her then boyfriend she had an abortion but kept the baby and this woman is now trying to find out the truth.

Sorry for her, yes, but she should be discussing with her partner, not stalking and harassing women on the internet.

And frankly, if she doesn't trust his word or that he is looking for the truth, then she herself should walk away.

There is no excuse for inundating a stranger with confrontational and challenging messages.

Just to add, having known three people who went on to be attacked by the people doing this, I would always say report to the Police.

In one mans case, it had a massive affect on his life, because he had to fight off the Harasser and they sustained a head injury that put them in a coma. He wasn't a violent man and it never left him, what he had, had to do etc.

So if some bloke was busily messaging exs demanding to know details of their sex lives would we be saying 'ah bless, treat the poor guy with a bit of dignity?'

Very good point.

Sounds dodgy

I think Cora's suggestion is perfect.

"" CoraPirbright

“I dont know you at all, but bombarding me with 14 messages in 24 hours makes it obvious that you are very anxious about this.To put your mind at rest, we went on four dates in 2011 and never slept together so no baby or abortion would have been possible. There is really nothing else to say on the subject so I would appreciate it if you didn’t contact me again but I wish you well for the future”* .

"It's a big mess and honestly I'd rather be as far away from it as possible"

Then block & ignore.

So if some bloke was busily messaging exs demanding to know details of their sex lives would we be saying 'ah bless, treat the poor guy with a bit of dignity?

Well yes, probably, but we'd only hear about it on here if it were a man messaging a woman. This is a woman messaging a woman.

Men would deal with this more directly. Or dump the woman and move on.

would it really have hurt to put the womans mind at rest?