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Original poster

To not know how to feel about this revelation?

425 replies

Laurat859 · 21/10/2017 23:36

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years. I moved in with him a few months ago, and with this came some shocking news from his Mum.
She came round and sat me down to tell me that her husband (my boyfriend's step-dad) is on the sex offenders register. The offence was against children, it was about 20 years ago (before she met him) and he has done time in prison for it. That is all I know about what he did.
She said that the reason she was telling me now was that obviously things have become more serious between myself and her son, and if we are planning on children in the future then I need to know. She said she needed to know my feelings because when she has grandchildren she wants to see lots of them and be able to have them stay over at their house etc etc. If knowing about her husband's past meant that I wouldn't let that happen then she said she would prepare to leave him.
She told me that he suffers with bipolar and when the offence(s) was committed he was in a really bad place and it wasn't under control with medication. Not that that was any excuse, but now his mental health issues are being treated well. Apparently as part of being on the register, he has yearly visits and he is deemed very low risk. She trusts him completely that nothing will happen again.
I was completely shocked. I have always got on well with him and he has done so much to help myself and my boyfriend. They have welcomed me into their family.
There is no way that I would stop my boyfriend's Mum from seeing our children when we have them. She will be a fantastic grandmother one day. But there was also no way that I could put her in the position that she is willing to leave her husband. They are a very close couple and I know that she would be devastated to be brought to do that. Myself and my boyfriend agreed that, should we have children, then as long as his step-dad is never alone with them, then of course they will see them.
Does this sound reasonable? Or am I being a bad mother before I am even a mother? It is playing on my mind that I have agreed to this, but what if I feel differently once said children arrive? What if, god forbid, something were to happen to them? It would be my fault for risking the situation.
I just don't know how to feel Sad

OP posts:
flumpybear · 22/10/2017 09:26

I’d need to know Exactky what his crime was- somethings may Be a little less worrying like he was 16 or 17 and dated a15 nearly 16 year old - this was common place at my school HmmShocksixth form boys dating GCSE year girls and vice versa tbh

But it really sounds far more serious - personally I would tell her not a chance! your mil wouldn’t be able to police it say if your child stayed over and she was asleep - who knows what he’d be up to, plus can you trust her? She clearly trusts him with her young boy as was when they got together - blind to it springs to mind - plus SS May get involved - if I found this out now with my young kids ud be horrified because you may never know a thing til it’s too late

Madreputa · 22/10/2017 09:26

So your MIL have known for ages that her partner is a paedo yet she stayed with him? And her son was still probably a minor when they got together? Fuck off!
This is so wrong on so many levels.

MeMeMeMe123 · 22/10/2017 09:33

For starters OP:

Lies
Deceit
Cover-ups
and that's just your relationship with your OH

Awful situation and I sympathise. You need space and time.
You have been horribly manipulated and its a LOT to process.

Bluntness100 · 22/10/2017 09:33

I personally would strongly consider leaving too, the only thing that would stop me

A commitment from your partner that any children will never even meet this man
The exact same commitment from his mother
An apology that she tried to put the decision on you over her marriage and an acceptance that it’s her decision to stay with him or leave.
A commitment that any of your families children or friends children will never be exposed to this man.

With all these things in place and if I was convinced they all meant it, and would not try and sway me in future, or come up with random excuses where he will have contact (but it’s mums birthday, it’s your birthday, it’s the school nativity, whatever) I may consider staying.

However the cynical part of me says a woman who will marry a convicted child sex offender and who is now to all intents and purposes trying to secure his future contact with children, I’d wonder if she also was this way inclined, many women do enable these men. And on the face of it, she is enabling him to have future contact with young children. She even wants them to stay over night in her house with him.

Bluntness100 · 22/10/2017 09:34

somethings may Be a little less worrying like he was 16 or 17 and dated a15 nearly 16 year old

Not if he’s being visited annually 20 years later.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 22/10/2017 09:35

Run for the hills and never look back! Your dp and his mother have set you up for a life of never being able to relax when you have a child, constant arguments, awkward situations, worry, pressure, emotional blackmail and they knew they were doing this and purposely waited till you moved in to make it harder for you to leave. Sneaky pricks the pair of them - when someone shows you who they are listen and run

GlitterGlue · 22/10/2017 09:36

Fucking hell, not only would I not leave my child with the step father, I wouldn't leave it with anyone who showed such poor judgment as to knowingly marry a sex offender.

The boyfriend, it's difficult. I'm not sure there is a right time to pipe up 'by the way my sf is a sex offender'. What's his reason for not mentioning it?

StripeyDeckchair · 22/10/2017 09:36

He's a sex offender.
The offences were against children.

Therefore he wouldn't come near any children of mine under any circumstances.

What your mil chooses to do with that decision is up to her, not you.
TBH I'd be worried about her being around the children given her laid back attitude towards sex offences against children. But at least she was honest with you now.

PushingThru · 22/10/2017 09:37

Get away from all three of them as fast as you can.

Sensimilla · 22/10/2017 09:37

It's not just staying over, is it? What about swimming, the beach, lifting a grandchild on and off play equipment, holding the baby, sitting on his knee, going to nativity plays, sports days, the local park.

You aren't only putting your own kids at risk, but all their friends....who presumably you won't warn that grandad is a paedophile, so their parents can't make informed decisions

Sensimilla · 22/10/2017 09:38

I think maybe if you don't have kids, you canyon foresee all the situations when it's going to be dangerous

Raininspain66 · 22/10/2017 09:40

She married a pedophile Hmm
I would never trust anyone who married a pedophile. She's just as bad as him.
Luckily you don't have children because you are just as bad as them it sounds.

aintnothinbutagstring · 22/10/2017 09:41

Why would you even want to bring a beautiful innocent child into that sort of situation, they all sound so seedy, I'd have a bit more respect and higher standards for myself and my future offspring and run for the hills. You have the luxury of having this information now, act on it.

Jigsisaw · 22/10/2017 09:42

I can't believe that she knowingly married a sex offender when her own child was only 15. So she presumably entered in to the relationship when her son was what age... a few years younger? A child?
She began a relationship with a sex offender when she had a child.

I don't know what you should do. Don't react yet. Don't announce your reaction yet. But you're sorting it all out in your head.

I do agree with a pp that she has a distorted way of looking at this and even if she came over to your house to mind your imaginary child, could you trust that he wouldn't just arrive, and that she wouldn't let him in?!

Raininspain66 · 22/10/2017 09:46

Have you posted about this before? I'm sure there has been something similar

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 22/10/2017 09:51

Hell would freeze over before I would allow him to breathe the same air as my children.

Crunchymum · 22/10/2017 09:55

Why didn't your DP tell you?

What does he think of it all?

Another vote for no way on Gods Earth would I want my kids around this man.

JustMumNowNotMe · 22/10/2017 09:56

So your boyfriend knows his step dad is a child sex abuser, but doesn't tell you? Hr talks about having kids with you, you move in with him, and he still keeps it from you?!!

Its not an in laws problem you have, its your DP you cannot trust.

EllaHen · 22/10/2017 10:00

I imagine you are still in shock. The magnitude of what you have been told will take time to process.

Your dp has a relationship with his Mum and Step Dad. There may come a time when you can't protect your dc from his trust in them.

For so many reasons you need to walk away.

Being lied to for 4 years while you developed a relationship with such people is manipulative. Your dp manipulated you. Let that sink in.

Please read everyone's posts.

flyingpigsinclover · 22/10/2017 10:03

There is no opportunity for you to realistically trust your DP, MIL or her husband. Would you want a convicted paedophile and paedophile facilitators/apologists to have access to your child?

StepAwayFromGoogle · 22/10/2017 10:08

OP, I know you don't know this now, but when you have children you won't want to leave them with anyone who even makes you feel even a bit uneasy. This is off the scale in terms of that. There is no way you can trust him around your children. Ever. Or your MIL - she married a convicted paedophile when her son was 15. Thus putting him in danger. Your OH obviously had no say in this but he didn't tell you about it. I get that it's not an easy thing to bring up, but he really should have trusted you before now with that information.

PoptartPoptart · 22/10/2017 10:21

This is not meant to sound patronising op but I’m sure a lot of other posters will agree with me when I say you really have no idea how differently you will feel about this if you do go ahead and have a child in these circumstances.
At the moment this is an imaginary child and while you can appreciate the seriousness of this situation you have no idea how differently you will feel about it once you become a mother yourself.
That raw, primal, maternal instinct will kick in tenfold and you will feel physically sick to your stomach at the thought of anyone ever hurting your baby.
Before I became a mother I could read threads like this and make a moral judgement, as any decent human being does. Having a child of my own intensifies these feelings of protection that I cannot even begin to explain.
I would die for my child in a heartbeat and faced with any given situation I would kill anyone who was trying to harm them.
Please rethink this relationship, you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of problems.

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 22/10/2017 10:21

Did you dp know that his mom was going to tell you/talk to you? Did her partner?
Your partner CHOSE NOT TO tell you even when you were talking about future kids? He didn't tell you when talking about your respective pasts, childhoods, relationships with parents/step parents, you giving up your( ?)home to move in together? Yes it's difficult - AND? AND? What other important information has he withheld?
I think at this stage, this would be almost my biggest problem. I dont know how you get over that. Before you even start on what you were asked/told. Of course, the answer is not within a hairs breadth will he have contact or even know who they are and what they look like. Children trust people.

Truly awful situation to be in . So sorry for you to have trusted your partner and now find this out.

peanut2017 · 22/10/2017 10:23

No way in hell would I bring my child within the same room as a registered sex offender. Doesn’t matter if they are never left alone with them.

Why didn’t your oh ever tell you this?

StellaHeyStella · 22/10/2017 10:24

20 minutes ago or 20 years ago, it would be all the same to me, once a sex offender, always a sex offender.
In these circumstances I would be unable to be in this man’s company (let alone allow any future children to be around him, supervised or not) without my skin crawling and my complete inability to be in any way pleasant to him going forward.

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