To not know how to feel about this revelation?

[Laurat859]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years. I moved in with him a few months ago, and with this came some shocking news from his Mum.
She came round and sat me down to tell me that her husband (my boyfriend's step-dad) is on the sex offenders register. The offence was against children, it was about 20 years ago (before she met him) and he has done time in prison for it. That is all I know about what he did.
She said that the reason she was telling me now was that obviously things have become more serious between myself and her son, and if we are planning on children in the future then I need to know. She said she needed to know my feelings because when she has grandchildren she wants to see lots of them and be able to have them stay over at their house etc etc. If knowing about her husband's past meant that I wouldn't let that happen then she said she would prepare to leave him.
She told me that he suffers with bipolar and when the offence(s) was committed he was in a really bad place and it wasn't under control with medication. Not that that was any excuse, but now his mental health issues are being treated well. Apparently as part of being on the register, he has yearly visits and he is deemed very low risk. She trusts him completely that nothing will happen again.
I was completely shocked. I have always got on well with him and he has done so much to help myself and my boyfriend. They have welcomed me into their family.
There is no way that I would stop my boyfriend's Mum from seeing our children when we have them. She will be a fantastic grandmother one day. But there was also no way that I could put her in the position that she is willing to leave her husband. They are a very close couple and I know that she would be devastated to be brought to do that. Myself and my boyfriend agreed that, should we have children, then as long as his step-dad is never alone with them, then of course they will see them.
Does this sound reasonable? Or am I being a bad mother before I am even a mother? It is playing on my mind that I have agreed to this, but what if I feel differently once said children arrive? What if, god forbid, something were to happen to them? It would be my fault for risking the situation.
I just don't know how to feel

OP, I'm so so sorry, but I agree with many others here.

Your DP didn't tell you for 4 years, and likely wouldn't have. He's normalised it so realistically cannot now be trusted to have any proper judgement about this situation now.

Your MIL is trying to minimise the whole thing, when in fact him still being on the register after so long means whatever it was, it was serious.

Your DP's stepdad could have done the decent thing and told you. He didn't.

You can never trust any of these people, you've been manipulated and they're hoping you'll accept this.

But for his MIL to tell you now, after 4 years, does suggest that there's someone else who knows, who has threatened to tell you.

You can find out the details I guess by using Sarah's law. But in any case I would suggest walking away from all of them. If you stay, it'll all fall on you to keep your children safe, and you'll never be able to guarantee that.

I agree that this must be a shock for you, and difficult to process.
You need to end this relationship. Your boyfriend has been in a relationship with you, for four years, and didn't tell you ....
In my opinion, any mother who shields or marries a paedophile, is in the same category as them.
Pack your bags love, and go home, if you can.

I'm struggling with why your boyfriend hasn't told you everything? Now it's in the open he has no reason not to tell you exactly what his step dad did, why is he keeping you in the dark?

I think you need to know more about what actually happened, his medicated bipolar and how he has been since (has he had any support?)

I've treated many people with Bi-Polar; none of them were sex offenders.
I've worked with sex offenders; most were utterly charming and manipulative and would say everything you wanted to hear in regards to their 'rehabilitation' and it was mostly bollocks. They justify their behaviour as then they are not responsible for it. I have heard the mental health card, blaming the victim, blaming others. Very few change their behaviour as they ultimately do not think they have done wrong. I refuse to work with them now for my own mental health.
Be very bloody wary- your MIL may have accepted his excuses, maybe your bf has, it's all part of the charm/ manipulation offensive. I would not let children anywhere near him and would be having stern words with bf about not telling you. And thinking whether I wanted a future with a family of sex offence apologists.

As hard as it may be, I would leave. No fucking way on this earth would I have kids with a fella who knew I wanted children with him and failed to mention the fact that his mother brought a paedophile into his life.

The lies, cover-up, the fact there was a convicted paedophile who is still on the register after 20 years!!!!!!!!

It would all be too much.

Not if he’s being visited annually 20 years later. exactly. He’s served at least 30months jail term to still be registered after even ten years. Christ knows what he did to get 2 and a half years in prison.

I think you need to walk. I also hope you have someone in real life that you can talk too.

OP, am so sorry you've been put in this position and I can follow your logic about how in-laws would obviously still see any future dc. I would probably have said the same myself before I had dc. After, nope not so much. In fact, not at all.

You need to go back to dp and discuss this further. You cannot be expected to make such a momentous decision with so little information - your mil/dp are backing you into a corner here and asking you to potentially risk the safety of any future dc - is that a reasonable request?

Tell her to leave him. Now. See how she responds to that. I'd guess that suddenly that idea might not seem such a good one. There is too much to go wrong here, unless they are both willing to cut him out of their lives. In which case they need to do it now, before dc are actually here.

OP, I'm sorry for the situation you're in. This thread must be a real eye opener - you're getting a lot of good advice, a lot of different perspectives.

Something new for you to consider though. To me, it sounds like your MIL wasn't saying "I'll leave him if you have children with my son" but "it's what our family's like. Leave now if you don't like it."

You need to speak to your parents and family. They'll have your best interest at heart. And they also need to know in any event. As other posters have said, their children will come into contact with your FIL...

Could you bear the thought of his dirty evil imagination as he watched your child innocently playing or even looked at a cute little picture MIL snapped on her phone. I don't think I could trust any of them.

Paedophiles are liars and manipulators and cannot be trusted no matter the length of time that has passed. They will take any opportunity.

Not something I like to talk about and I have so much guilt about this but when I was 12 was convinced to lie to social services by a Paedophile. Along with threats he also promised he would never do it again to anyone.

There was one incident after but after but otherwise all seemed OK. But actually he had secretly moved on to another child.

Can you talk to one of your family about it and get their perspective?

I hope you haven't been asked to keep this 'secret'

I think its important OP to speak to your DH and actually get to the bottom of whether he himself has had abuse from his step-dad.

I don't think its as simple as "he should have said something"

He can never see them because they will build up trust and he will abuse it, maybe years later.
They will have to be warned, and repeatedly reminded of the danger which is not hypothetical but clear and present, real, close and immediate.
Would you let your children cross the motorway?

I think you need to find out more about the offence. And if he is still subject to checks after 20 years, I would think that means his offence was serious and he is deemed an ongoing risk (even if small).

Not only that, but you may find that as part of the terms of the register/his supervision he obliged to disclose any children he has continuing/frequent contact with and that this may mean supervision of those children by social work. You need to be prepared for that.

My own personal view is that I would not be willing to allow my children to stay in a house as an adult on the sex offenders register after 20 years and still subject to supervision, even with another adult present. You can never guarantee he will never be left unsupervised, and even then abuse can happen with other adults around. It's just not worth the risk, you're priority has to be the child. Think of the terrible impact on your child, and your family, if you get it wrong.

With other posters, I worry about an element of emotional blackmail from your MIL "I'll leave him if you won't let me see your (hypothetical) children". That's a huge amount of pressure to place on you. And not fair. She should have told you about it all, and then if you do have children you could decide what you wanted to do- once she knew what you had decided, she could decide what to do. She may have done it with the best of intentions, of course, but I would be wary.

MIL is saying she would leave him but would that be before you fell pregnant or after? Because after is a bit too late isn't it, we can all say things with the best of intention but sometimes there is no follow through.

Yes, what happens if you and your partner split up. You would be completely powerless to protect them 100% yourself and would have to trust your dp completely, when he could be bitter and angry towards you. I'm not saying he wouldn't want to protect them, just that will he be lax for those few minutes here and there?

That's even if you agree now that they never stay over because mil can't guarantee never sleeping or popping to the loo or kitchen.

The things the mother forgot to tell you.

He was jailed for more than 2.5 years.
He is considered a high risk offender hence why he has assessments annually and still 20years on.
He will have restrictions against him. Irrelevant of what the mother is saying or asking from you, thr police and social services will not permit your children to be with him, and you put yourself at risk in considering doing so. He will not be permitted to be new, schools for example or locations where children are.
He also likely has a sexual harm prevention order against him which means he has to notify thr police if he starts a new sexual relationship.

I do not understand why this woman has asked you to let your children stay with him never mind be near him. She must know it would not be allowed, unless she intends to lie to thr police.

As said, if he is still having annual assessments this is what the police classify as a high risk offender. You have a major decision to make and there is only one you can make.

It's very hard to suddenly find yourself in the middle of what is another family's drama. They've found their own dysfunctional way to brush it under the carpet and are asking you to do the same. To refuse you have to hurt your boyfriend, hurt his mum, and basically tear their "family" apart. That's a LOT of pressure bring brought to bear on you.

I would have a serious discussion with your boyfriend and explain you will never be happy leaving your children with his mother, even if she did leave his stepfather, as she has displayed shocking judgment and poor boundaries marrying him in the first place and staying with him this long. Tell him he needs to explain this to her and you don't want to discuss it any more with her as it makes you uncomfortable. Then what she chooses to do about her relationship is not on your head.

Also have a gentle conversation with your boyfriend about whether he himself was abused. If do, insist on him recieving therapy before you even consider procreating with him.

Finally,make a decision whether you will ever be happy to spend any time with SF/MIL again in any context, children or not. And then stick to it.

Op can I offer you a different side.

I found out my dp was having a relationship with a 15 year old.
We split up however we have 1 dc together.
He can't have unsupervised access is on the so registrar for life and got a 36 month prison sentence.

Even though I distanced myself from him straight away I have had horrible names shouted at me and my dc in public and I was constantly defending my view that I had no idea what he was.

Don't have the association with him. Trust me you don't won't the hassle.

He doesn't have to be left alone with your child to hurt them. Offences happen in busy houses; when some one is in a different room; and even in the same room. He will be looking at your child with lust even through his partner sharing innocent family pictures. You can't allow his mother to be part of your child's life.

I think you need to leave op. There are the factors of the safety of your future children because the whole family clearly accepts what he did because he's been taken into the fold and none of them have ostracised him.

You then need to consider what kind of people do that. Are they still the people you thought they were?

Pre-dc can you play happy families at Christmas, birthdays etc?

What an awful situation for you op. I really think you need to get away before you're anymore invested or worse still come to accept him too.

MIL brought a paedophile into her child's home and married him. NC with her.

PIL is a paedophile. NC with him. (He wouldn't even be allowed into a school to read with children when surrounded by and supervised by school staff, and she wants to have her GC overnight, which she knows is not allowed).

DP didn't tell you. Leave him. They are all minimising, and you seem to be too. Wake up OP and thank your lucky stars you you found out now.

Does this man have no access to children at all?? No other family members with children, they lied to you your partners mother is already enabling this man by staying with him for so many years. I wouldn’t even bother finding out his crimes unless you really want to upset yourself further. My advice stay as far away from this family as possible. Report if you are aware of any contact this man has with children currently.

I would question her motives for coming to you now. I wonder if she felt she could get in first. Perhaps she's concerned that, once you have children, someone else will bring your attention to this. Maybe she's hoping that you'll be complicit in over-riding any agreement with authorities not to see SF if she gets in first.