To not know how to feel about this revelation?

[Laurat859]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years. I moved in with him a few months ago, and with this came some shocking news from his Mum.
She came round and sat me down to tell me that her husband (my boyfriend's step-dad) is on the sex offenders register. The offence was against children, it was about 20 years ago (before she met him) and he has done time in prison for it. That is all I know about what he did.
She said that the reason she was telling me now was that obviously things have become more serious between myself and her son, and if we are planning on children in the future then I need to know. She said she needed to know my feelings because when she has grandchildren she wants to see lots of them and be able to have them stay over at their house etc etc. If knowing about her husband's past meant that I wouldn't let that happen then she said she would prepare to leave him.
She told me that he suffers with bipolar and when the offence(s) was committed he was in a really bad place and it wasn't under control with medication. Not that that was any excuse, but now his mental health issues are being treated well. Apparently as part of being on the register, he has yearly visits and he is deemed very low risk. She trusts him completely that nothing will happen again.
I was completely shocked. I have always got on well with him and he has done so much to help myself and my boyfriend. They have welcomed me into their family.
There is no way that I would stop my boyfriend's Mum from seeing our children when we have them. She will be a fantastic grandmother one day. But there was also no way that I could put her in the position that she is willing to leave her husband. They are a very close couple and I know that she would be devastated to be brought to do that. Myself and my boyfriend agreed that, should we have children, then as long as his step-dad is never alone with them, then of course they will see them.
Does this sound reasonable? Or am I being a bad mother before I am even a mother? It is playing on my mind that I have agreed to this, but what if I feel differently once said children arrive? What if, god forbid, something were to happen to them? It would be my fault for risking the situation.
I just don't know how to feel

20 years on and after prison time, the offence will have been very very serious, try and find out what it was. When you know, I imagine you will want this man nowhere near your hypothetical children. Those kind of urges do not go away. Do not tempt this person. You would be an absolute fool to let him anywhere near your children.

Oh my goodness, what a shocking thing to have suddenly been told. I think they are all minimising what he did, and that would trouble me greatly. There is no way on earth I would want children with that dirty secret in the family. And the fact your bf has never mentioned it to you is ringing massive alarm bells. Please make sure you are using extremely reliable birth control while you think this one through.

This is what sarah’s law is for.

Talk to the police. They will check all his offences, liase with ss and safeguarding, and then meet with you and tell you the risk to children, and any measures you should take.

I would be mustering all the strength I had to walk away from the relationship entirely if it was me.

It's too tempting in my opinion for a sex offender. He is not an ex offender: If your brain is wired that way, imo that's your sexual inclination. It's like telling anyone with any sexuality to stop being attracted to their preference. It's impossible.

You haven't had a child yet, so it's abstract. When you do you will have overwhelming protective feelings and you will not be so laissez faire, believe me.

On the same token, it's not fair for your mil to essentially give you the reins to her relationship. She's trying to exonerate herself of any guilt if she had to leave him. It's not fair on you.

In essence, I would say a) I'm not allowing my children to stay over, but you are welcome to stay over here without fil. b) If fil is present, he must never be left alone and c) say to her that under no circumstances will you become embroiled in her relationship.

They lied to you for four years. That’s a huge deal.

It’s not just your own kids that might be an issue.
Do your siblings have children? Friends? Family?
What about future Christmases, birthday parties, school concerts and sports days?

No one with children will be prepared to come to your house while this man has access.

No one with children will be prepared to come to any social occasion you organise (Wedding, Christening, birthday party) anywhere.

Even if they don’t have children most people wouldn’t care to socialise with a convicted child abuser. So you’d either lose friends or have to join in with the lying

Even if you say “Mil only sees DC and only at our house” you’d have to stop her taking photographs.

How the hell would you manage that?

This family lies on this man’s behalf. You could never, ever trust that he wouldn’t be given access to your child.

If you ever split up from your BF and he had EOW access how would you trust that he wouldn’t take the child to his Mum’s?

It’s a nightmare of epic proportions and they should have told you long, long ago.

I’m very sorry.

For me it’s not only about risk but about trust. The risk is too high and the trust would be shattered.

I’m fortunate enough to not have come face to face with this situation and other ‘issues’ (for want if a better word) like addiction such as alcoholism. I probably live a sheltered life and I’m probably quite naive in my view. But I do believe that people that who are faced with a vice will be very deceitful in covering it up in order to continue to ‘get away with it’. So who can really be sure, 100% sure (because nothing less will do), that any child is safe in the hands of either grandparent whilst he remains on the scene (and I’m not calling the grandmother a child sex offender but I think she is naive to ask you if it would be ok to have sleepovers etc and so her view is tainted).

Tell your own parents and other family members what you have told us and see what they say. Tell them that your FiL is a CSO who they and any children they have may —have already— come into contact with and see what they say. Tell the people you work with and your friends and see what they say. You don’t owe it to him or your MiL or your DP to keep this a secret.

Play out the social isolation in your head - what happens when you choose a relationship with a convicted paedophile for yourself and your future children. You will have no friends, your children will have no friends. People will rightly question your judgement and wonder what goes on in your house.

You’ll face a lot of difficult choices as you go through your life OP, but this is an easy one. You need to put a country mile between yourself and this family.

What Refusethelies said! At least you’re aware not to leave your children with these people (and yes I’m judging you future MIL too)

There are so many things wrong here OP. Firstly, your partner should of told you himself before you moved in with him. Secondly, if you are seriously considering letting a woman, who is married to a known sex offender, look after your potential children, tbh you are seriously lacking commen sense and have no business having a baby. The fact that this man is still on the register and being monitored 20 years later means that is was a very serious offence. That coupled with the fact he is bipolar, it's just too much of a risk to have any children anywhere near him. Your mil married him knowing what he did. Being bipolar does not excuse his behaviour. What if he stops taking his meds? What if your child triggers an urge in him? Do you really want to risk that. You know if you knowingly put your child in the company of someone you know is a risk, you could have them taken away by ss. Agree with a pp, these people have lied to you for 4 years. Please, please, do not have a child with this man unless you are willing to be comp,ethylene nc with his mum and step-dad. No decent mother would ever bring a baby into a situation like this. TBH, from your posts, you seem to minimise what he's done, and also you mil. She has KNOWINGLY married a paedophile, when she has a child herself. How can you ever trust her judgement

Also, think about the future. Every birthday party, every school event, every play date. You would have to disclose to every parent of a child that enters your house what this man has done. No one would let their child in your house if he was there. I know I would never let my child into someone's house if I know there was a person there who was on the register. Your mil and her husband would have to be left out of everything. Do you really want to live like that?

You can't possibly want to stay with your BF knowing that he kept this from you? You say you saw children in your future, so you must have discussed starting a family... and he never mentioned it? I couldn't possibly trust a man who didn't disclose something so important, and with serious implications for the rest of your lives together. Let alone trusting his MIL to be "a, wonderful grandmother", she is clearly completely untrustworthy and lacking in any common sensen.

You would be mad to stay in this relationship OP and I say you will end up seriously regretting it if you do.

You sound young (and niave) from your posts, if so you have plenty of time to meet someone else. Leave now and never look back.

Maybe he will never offend again, but there are just some things in life that are too great a risk. Your MIL has done the right thing by telling you. What you do with that information is up to you

The thing is it’s such a major, major lie. It impacts everything. From having a child where “grandad” is a convicted paedophile, to never allowing him to visit you when your child’s friends are there, to never let him alone with any children, to even the risk your child’s friends parents also use Sarah’s law and find out who and what he is, the fact school and nursery will need to be informed, although legally he won’t be allowed near, it has life time repercussions.

Social services will probably be immediately involved with any children you have to ensure you are prepared to protect them. This man is such a risk he’s still being visited and checked twenty years later.

For your boyfriend to be living with you and not tell you, for his mother to have to do it, then to do it in thr awful way she did.

Then you couple in what did he do. Exactly. Why didn’t she spell it out? Did he rape a child? How many children? Who were they? where are these children now. Was it his own kids? A partners? How did he get access? How old were they? What is their gender? How was he caught and convicted?

I think I’d struggle to be part of this, I’d not bring a child into it, that’s for sure, your partner and mother have shielded this man. They have put you in an unforgivable position.

There's too much that's too wrong. All said in above posts. Bf should have told you. "Father in law" committed this crime "when he was in a bad way"... if that's what he does when he's in a bad way then look out. "Mother in law" might not be capable of making healthy relationships. .. so you have secrecy, abuse, unhealthy relationships and then imagine children in that mix. I'd leave.

I'd seriously consider leaving as well.

That his other made such a decision & he still has contact with her.

There's too much minimising/normalising going on for me.

You’ve been severely deceived by your bf, his mum and her partner.

I can not actually believe you need to question this. It’s all well and good saying he isn’t a risk now, is that because he hasn’t had the opportunity to be around really young children? Please don’t risk your future children in the hope that everything will be ok. You sound a bit blinkered op, I’m sorry.

Social services will know about him and if it’s decided you don’t have the correct judgement to keep your child safe, then it could have very hard consequences for you and your children.

How could you be happy to even let this man SEE your child? I mean, you and your partner, MIL etc could all be there in the room, but would you want this man to even LOOK at your child? Even if he never physically touched them, could you bear to wonder what perverted scenario he might playing out in his head? He could be looking at YOUR CHILD and getting aroused imagining all the things he would like to do to him/her.
I also don’t think I could ever trust a woman who knowingly married a child sex offender.
Op this is a really tricky situation for you.
Personally, I think I’d have to cut contact with the both of them.

My boyfriend was 15 when they got married.

So how old was he when they met?

It would seriously concern me that your MIL brought someone into her son's life who was a sex offender.

Laura- I get it's tough when it's people you know and have a good relationship with, rather than a hypothetical situation. But please please realise that unfortunately these people in the periphery of your life that you thought were good people, that have helped you out loads as you say- are not who you thought they were. It's a shock, and will take a while to get your head round, and that's normal, but don't just push this to the back of your mind and go back to what you thought you knew before.

I would be very honest with your partners mum- thank her for being honest, tell her that you're completely shocked about what she's told you. That you will NEVER allow a child to have ANY contact with a known paedophile- not just no overnights, but that this man (who you thought you knew, but through no fault of your own did not) will not be part of your life, or that of any future children. Tell her that you also find it incredibly hard to trust her now as well- whether or not she leaves this man- after finding out that she chose to marry a known child abuser. You don't have to be angry about it, just shocked and incredibly concerned, and above all absolutely, unshakingly clear that your future children come first, and this man will have absolutely nothing to do with them.

As that saying I heard on mumsnet the other day goes 'When someone shows you who they are- believe them'.

This is an awful situation to find yourself in,OP. Just to add to earlier posts, it would be very hard to police such a relationship. What of MIl breaks up with him now but they get back together when your future DC is there. Even if you break contact with MiL, what about social events you and your family may be invited to where he is also present. The risk is just to big. I would not carry on with this relationship. I can’t believe they have lied to you for 4 years. Sorry OP

she said she needed to know my feelings because when she has grandchildren she wants to see lots of them and be able to have them stay over at their house

To be honest this statement would piss me off even without the addition of a paedophile partner!

I think she's being very unfair to you. She needs to make her own decisions and deal with the consequences. It isn't fair of her to say that you can tell her to leave her partner - in exchange for you letting her have any future children to stay at her house. I can foresee in years to come her saying 'but I left DP because of you'.

Your boyfriend and Mum should have told you this years ago

They all knew, your partner and his mum and step dad but they didn't tell you anything until you'd made yourself vulnerable by giving up your own home and moving in with him?

They are abusers, all of them.

Get out now and make a good life for yourself. You deserve better.