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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not know how to feel about this revelation?

425 replies

Laurat859 · 21/10/2017 23:36

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years. I moved in with him a few months ago, and with this came some shocking news from his Mum.
She came round and sat me down to tell me that her husband (my boyfriend's step-dad) is on the sex offenders register. The offence was against children, it was about 20 years ago (before she met him) and he has done time in prison for it. That is all I know about what he did.
She said that the reason she was telling me now was that obviously things have become more serious between myself and her son, and if we are planning on children in the future then I need to know. She said she needed to know my feelings because when she has grandchildren she wants to see lots of them and be able to have them stay over at their house etc etc. If knowing about her husband's past meant that I wouldn't let that happen then she said she would prepare to leave him.
She told me that he suffers with bipolar and when the offence(s) was committed he was in a really bad place and it wasn't under control with medication. Not that that was any excuse, but now his mental health issues are being treated well. Apparently as part of being on the register, he has yearly visits and he is deemed very low risk. She trusts him completely that nothing will happen again.
I was completely shocked. I have always got on well with him and he has done so much to help myself and my boyfriend. They have welcomed me into their family.
There is no way that I would stop my boyfriend's Mum from seeing our children when we have them. She will be a fantastic grandmother one day. But there was also no way that I could put her in the position that she is willing to leave her husband. They are a very close couple and I know that she would be devastated to be brought to do that. Myself and my boyfriend agreed that, should we have children, then as long as his step-dad is never alone with them, then of course they will see them.
Does this sound reasonable? Or am I being a bad mother before I am even a mother? It is playing on my mind that I have agreed to this, but what if I feel differently once said children arrive? What if, god forbid, something were to happen to them? It would be my fault for risking the situation.
I just don't know how to feel Sad

OP posts:
Dozer · 22/10/2017 08:00

I would want no further contact at all with DP’s stepdad, for me or any future DC.

I would not want MiL to have any unsupervised contact with any future DC as, at best, she has shown herself to have very poor judgment on safeguarding.

If DP didn’t respect this, now, and / or I couldn’t trust him to maintain the supervision with MiL / no contact with his stepfather for any future DC, I would end the relationship.

Bluntness100 · 22/10/2017 08:04

I agree, she either wants to leave him and this is the excuse, never dreaming you’d agree to leave your kids with a convicted paedophile, of she is trying to absolve her self of future responsibility by saying “well I told you, it was your decision, you knew “

Fuck knows what the partner is thinking that of course he would leave his kids with him. As said, if this man is still getting checked up on I doubt the authorities would permit what the op is planning.

Bluntness100 · 22/10/2017 08:05

Bluntness that is what I was wondering, because if it was children as oppose to adolescents, then surely the OP’s hypothetical DC would be more at risk

Yes, I think this is the case.

billabye · 22/10/2017 08:05

In your shoes I’d be leaving your DP. Like others have said he lied by omission about something incredibly serious.

Someone mentioned upthread what would happen if you split post children. There’s no way on earth you could protect them from your PIL when he had contact. And I don’t think you could
trust him to do it.

Run for the hills.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 22/10/2017 08:06

Oh op. Hope you're ok. What a thing to find out Flowers

I don't have any experience but I see a parole person and other people have posted good advice

For me it's a million times no. I would never leave my children with a known paedophile. It raises all sorts of questions of everyone too. His mums judgment - marrying a paedophile with children in the house? I didn't even think that was allowed. Your oh - four years and he didn't think to tell you? You must have met the man how many times? What is oh opinion now - minimising? It'll all be ok. And he knew - when was he going to tell you? After you moved in together? After you married? After you had kids?

Also I have friends with bipolar. It's an insult to them to suggest that has anything to do with paedophiles. Again this just feels an excuse. Its just something that happened to him. He's taken no responsibility.

I don't know much but yearly visits years on? Twenty years on the register so it's a life one then? Imprisonment? (I did some work on a paedophile tv documentary once and the detectives said there were shockingly low and unsuitable punishments. This is serious)

I'm so sorry you're going through this. But I just couldn't trust anyone who'd allowed me to build a friendship with him for so long.

YouCantArgueWithStupid · 22/10/2017 08:06

I worked with CSO’s and SO’s for years. It’s not the risk of being alone you need to be concerned about. It’s grooming. Which is a skill CSO/SO’s often have in abundance and are very discreet with. I wouldn’t knowingly allow a CSO the chance to have a relationship with my child. No way in hell.

Also she sounds like his mum wants a way out and is looking for someone/something else to blame.

cakebaby · 22/10/2017 08:09

when there is a child to protect, approach the police covering your area and ask how to go about requesting a child sex offenders disclosure (Sarah’s law). They will send you the forms and asses your right to ask and right to know. You will be given a disclosure within the facts.

Dsmummy · 22/10/2017 08:11

That person would never be near my child or myself again

SouthPole · 22/10/2017 08:11

It kind of isn't your decision, you know? Leave your 'kids' in their house alone and see what SS make of it.

If you carry on with this chap and have kids with him, you must never let your guard down with the paedophile. They are by nature extremely predatory.

Always, always think that he will have marked your kids out for attack.

Always be two steps ahead and don't trust the MIL as it's clear she's not on your team.

It will be like living with an extremely dangerous dog.

Exercise caution every single time contact with this couple is suggested.

It's a manageable risk yes - but not one I'd take. Over a child's childhood there will be one occasion where you just take your foot off the caution pedal for minute. And he'll be waiting.

They do not change.

They do not change.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 22/10/2017 08:11

Oh and yes. Your mil emotionally blackmailing you over your decision might mean she ends her relationship?!

She can sod off. Seriously. That's low.

Don't let that sway your judgement. She made her bed when she married a paedophile. To say that to you is just awful.

Sensimilla · 22/10/2017 08:14

I also would leave the relationship. Leave all of them.

FizzyGreenWater · 22/10/2017 08:15

Ok I think you need to have a very hard think about what kind of life you are actually looking forward to here.

Firstly, as others have said, he will not have received a sentence, and presuambly be on a lifelong register, for anything that could be excused as minor. He will have raped or seriously assaulted a child. Think about that.

Then think about this. The person you describe as 'good grandmother' material will know the details of this crime - what he did to a child. As a mother herself, she knew this, and was still attracted to, would climb into bed with, would marry this man and let him take a parental role with her own child. There is so much wrong about that I'm not sure where to begin. To say her judgement is skewed would be the kindest way of putting it. More realistic would be to say that I wouldn't let a woman like that near to or in any position to influence my child as they simply wouldn't be safe. Someone who can excuse violent sexual crime and paedophilia to that extent is disturbing in themselves. Someone who can be sexually attracted to someone like that disturbs me. Things were presumably different then re checks otherwise she would have had your BF removed by social services for her actions in having a relationship/marrying this man. Think about that too.

And then there is your partner. You should be most worried of all that the man you see as the future father of your children has been brought up with such a skewed notion of what is ok that he hasn't told you about his stepdad - worse, that he sees this man as so much not a problem that he still IS his stepdad, a trusted relation. This isn't something you can negotiate on and it should panic you. When you have children, you might quite happily decide there's no contact with MIL and her H but there seems every chance your H will disagree. Or worse, as he has shown he's capable of, just not tell you that he's taking your child to see them. There's not a lot you can do to stop that. You can't constantly protect your child when the father will very likely undermine that because he doesn't see anything wrong in his stepdad being a convicted child sex offender. At least, not without divorce and a lengthy court case over access. There's every chance your partner may have been abused too.

Don't take your MIL's telling you as proof of any finer feelings. She may be looking for a way to leave her H. More likely, it may be that someone has worked out the situation now that you've moved in together and has threatened to tell you themselves.

The first thing I would do is approach the police and explain the situation and ask if you can apply for a disclosure. I would hope that what you read would be enough for you to rethink having children with this man at all or being part of this fucked up situation. My feelings are that your views on this would change very suddenly and dramatically when you do have a baby. By which time it would be too late.

AnxiousAngela · 22/10/2017 08:18

So your mother in law ( almost ) has exposed you to a paedophile for 4 years as has your boyfriend before telling you this? That's massively unfair.
What did he actually do? As 20 years is a heck of a long time, it must have been a very very serious crime.
If she wanted to leave him, she would have and she hasn't.
What a sick woman staying with a child abuser.

AnxiousAngela · 22/10/2017 08:21

Very good post written by above.

ApplesTheHare · 22/10/2017 08:23

I'm so sorry this is happening to you OP. It's such a sad and impossible situation.

Obviously nobody can tell you what to do but the heartbreak of leaving your DP and escaping the situation now will be nothing compared with how bad this would be if you had actual children involved. Please don't set yourself up for a lifetime of worrying that you're risking your children's safety. As a parent you worry about your children every day - will they eat well, will they make sensible choices, will they suffer a tragic accident - enough as it is without the constant worry that this family set-up would bring.

Neoflex · 22/10/2017 08:24

Would you leave your child alone in a room with a dog. A dog that had previously attacked and seriously maimed a child for life?
No, no matter how waggy its tail or how well it played sit in return for a treat.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 22/10/2017 08:25

FizzyGreenWater has it. Perfect post

AvonCallingBarksdale · 22/10/2017 08:25

Your DP has probably been normalised to the situation - his own DM brought a convicted SO into their lives when DP was a child himself. This will never go away, OP and you will have a lifetime of anguish and fear for your hypothetical child’s safety. You do not yet have DC and you are not yet married. Now is the time to get out. Painful at first but in time you will be able to see from an objective viewpoint what a completely fucked up situation you would have sleep-walked into. Honestly, go now.

KimmySchmidt1 · 22/10/2017 08:26

The truth is, you won't know how you feel about it until you have them. She will just have to do whatever she thinks is best based on what you decide. You shouldn't be putting her first (which you seem to be doing right now).

Also pls get married before you have kids.

catsatonthemat · 22/10/2017 08:28

It sounds like MIL has been groomed by him. You also need to find out if your partner was abused by him/groomed by him. As that can make him a potential risk in the future too.
Don't let your emotional attachment to your MIL cloud your judgement. That's how these paedophiles work. Does your partner know the offences? It sounds like he doesn't have the full picture of he thinks it's ok to let his step dad have contact. It's not just your future DC but all their little friends he may come in contact with in the future. Terrible situation.

TidyDancer · 22/10/2017 08:31

If it was me I would be running a mile from this entire relationship. There are serious red flags regarding safeguarding all over the shop. If there was a child in this situation now, there would definitely be zero contact full stop with your boyfriend’s DM - the stepfather would not even be in the equation. As for your boyfriend, it’s the lying thus far that gets me. What if you’d been babysitting and decided to pop round to him DM’s house? It really is awful thinking about the potential consequences.

Your boyfriend has seriously questionable judgement to keep this from you for this long. His mother married a sex offender while he was still a child - ‘seriously questionable judgement’ doesn’t even scratch the service of how horrific what she did was.

OP, the fact that you and your boyfriend jointly decided that it was acceptable for a paedophile to have contact with your potential children is also terribly disturbing to me.

KadabrasSpoon · 22/10/2017 08:32

Don't forget when your DC are older you might want to have birthday parties or play dates with other children. What if your parents in law pop round? All of those parents will need to know. Or are you going to join in the family secret keeping tradition?

TidyDancer · 22/10/2017 08:32

@KimmySchmidt1 how is getting married important in this scenario?! What an odd thing to say.

DenPerry · 22/10/2017 08:33

God what an awful situation, it sounds really hard OP. I don't know how she can be with someone like that.. it doesn't matter how historical it is, he has it in him to do it. No way would I leave my kids alone with him. Just one abusive action against a child can fuck them up for life.
At the same time I couldn't force them to break up... too much has been put in your hands. If you really see a future with him then I would make sure I was present at all times when the kids are around him.

Lovemusic33 · 22/10/2017 08:33

Psychosis that can be caused by bi polar (and other mental health conditions) can make people do things they wouldn't do when they are not mentally ill. A lot of people that do commit crimes do have mental health conditions. This does not mean that it's ok (before people jump on me) and there's no saying if/when he could have another episode where he may do something like this again. I would not want my child staying over a sex offenders house, I wouldn't want the risk of him being left alone with my child but this doesn't mean your MIL can't have contact with her grandchildren. I think you need to find out exactly what he did but chances are if he has been to prison for it then it must be quite bad.