To not know how to feel about this revelation?

[Laurat859]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years. I moved in with him a few months ago, and with this came some shocking news from his Mum.
She came round and sat me down to tell me that her husband (my boyfriend's step-dad) is on the sex offenders register. The offence was against children, it was about 20 years ago (before she met him) and he has done time in prison for it. That is all I know about what he did.
She said that the reason she was telling me now was that obviously things have become more serious between myself and her son, and if we are planning on children in the future then I need to know. She said she needed to know my feelings because when she has grandchildren she wants to see lots of them and be able to have them stay over at their house etc etc. If knowing about her husband's past meant that I wouldn't let that happen then she said she would prepare to leave him.
She told me that he suffers with bipolar and when the offence(s) was committed he was in a really bad place and it wasn't under control with medication. Not that that was any excuse, but now his mental health issues are being treated well. Apparently as part of being on the register, he has yearly visits and he is deemed very low risk. She trusts him completely that nothing will happen again.
I was completely shocked. I have always got on well with him and he has done so much to help myself and my boyfriend. They have welcomed me into their family.
There is no way that I would stop my boyfriend's Mum from seeing our children when we have them. She will be a fantastic grandmother one day. But there was also no way that I could put her in the position that she is willing to leave her husband. They are a very close couple and I know that she would be devastated to be brought to do that. Myself and my boyfriend agreed that, should we have children, then as long as his step-dad is never alone with them, then of course they will see them.
Does this sound reasonable? Or am I being a bad mother before I am even a mother? It is playing on my mind that I have agreed to this, but what if I feel differently once said children arrive? What if, god forbid, something were to happen to them? It would be my fault for risking the situation.
I just don't know how to feel

Op, are you ok? You must feel like a bombshell has hit you. Will you come back to thr thread?

On a purely personal level, you see these women on tv documentaries who are with these men and you wonder how they can do it. Do you not look at her and think the same thing? She’s gone a step further, she’s trying to confirm kids will be allowed into thr house with just him and her. Lots. They must be planning to lie to the police at his annual assessment. It makes your skin crawl.

I’ve just had a baby and no, I wouldn’t let him be looked after by them. I would be worried and on edge that she would leave him alone with him. Even if she didn’t leave them alone, the thought of what that man could be thinking/imagining would make my skin crawl.

Even if you are serious with your OH at the moment, there’s no knowing what could happen in the future. Your MIL needs to make the decision to leave her husband on her own accord, not just on the fact you MIGHT have a baby sometime.

Something else you need to consider is that your DP apparently has no issues with this man and accepts him as family. What if you had DCs and then later the marriage ended? You can decide that this man would never be allowed to see your DCs, but you might not be able to decide that for your DP.

You really need to have ALL the difficult conversations now, and don't make any concessions that you are even slightly uneasy about.

Everyone saying make sure you're always present...

I don't see how it's any better that you will be present while there's a very strong chance that he's getting turned on by your child. Ffs!

I feel very uneasy about the posters who are saying just leave your partner. It seems a little too close to victim blaming. Even if the guy hasn’t been groomed or abused by the step dad (and it’s a possibility he has) then he may have had enormous pressure from his mother to stay quiet. Christ, he was only 15 when they married, younger when they got together, what an awful position to put a child in, to make them collude with this secret.

Imagine if a woman was raped, or assaulted, or coerced into keeping something quiet and didn’t feel confident to speak out about it until she felt secure in a relationship for several years before sharing that information... would these posters be telling her partner to run for the hills?

Imagine if a woman was raped, or assaulted, or coerced into keeping something quiet and didn’t feel confident to speak out about it until she felt secure in a relationship for several years before sharing that information... would these posters be telling her partner to run for the hills? hmm

If she was suggesting they allow their child to form a relationship with her abuser then I would be, yes.

If he seriously thinks it's ok for his stepfather to have a relationship with their child then what happened to him in the past isn't what the op needs to focus on - he past doesn't give him the right to endanger their child.

He is now a grown man and still has a relationship with someone who he knows is a sexual offender against children. That in my mind is a huge issue. Nobody I know would have a relationship with a sex offender.

Personally I'd seriously question having children with this man. If you ever broke up they would be at your MILs house without you having much say in the matter. Even if there was a court order that he not be around it still wouldn't 100% protect them from him.

The offence was against children

Just picked this up from the op...

The offence was against children not against a child.

That's not a momentarily lapse in sanity or whatever.

Even if you accept (which i don't) that you can fuck up once in a horrific way no one accidentally abuses multiple children.

He is a victim in this- of his stepfather and mother who brought this man into their home when he was a kid.

Run for the hills together would be my advice. Not that she should leave him because he was a victim. Anyone who knows the first thing about grooming is that it leaves the child feeling utterly confused and with conflicting loyalties. No wonder the guy has been bottling this up. Op needs to prioritise the relationship with the man she loves.

Fuckin' hell - can't believe she married him when she already knew that about him.
she must have been truly desperate for a man.
misses the point of thread

Your MIL or future MIL sounds like a vulnerable adult. She married someone with child sex offences, believed his story that it happened during a bad time in his life and she welcomed him into her home with her child. Now that's her husband's perfect scenario to link up with a vulnerable adult with a vulnerable child. And now she wants to be a part of your and your future children's life. Yet she really has no clue about all this and really cannot see the danger in it - if she did she wouldn't have marrried him and brought him into her home. Of course she wants to see her grandkids but she's vulnerable and your children will become vulnerable grandchildren. Oh my! As for your boyfriend obviously he believes his mums story and the step dad is considered safe to him but think about it he was still a child when this man entered your mums life. His "normal" with this man/step dad is actually vulnerable and abnormal. He is vulnerable too without realizing it. Hence why they haven't told you till now. The mil thinks it's ok in my opinion. SoI'd be very careful. I think it's manipulative too to suggest she could leave him etc etc. That's nothing to do with you and not your problem. Note how they say this after you have had four years to form a relationship with him (step dad). Now it would feel awkward to confront what was a "good" relationship with him. I imagine mil thinks you'll just keep going as it was. I'm really sorry. I couldn't stay in this situation. There's too much mess.

op

Have just seen from a previous thread you were on that you work in a school??
Just get out!

You should have been told six months in at absolute latest. I really would be furious with them all. As pp have suggested he must have done something pretty horrific to still be on the offenders list which would make me question your partners mum for ever having let this man in her life at all.

I’d have to rethink everything this really is a nightmare situation. See how ever much you can imagine how protective you will feel over your children that’s not even a patch on how it will really feel. I’m sure your partner will have to question the relationship with his mum and step father in the case of children too.

Just on the issue of the DP not telling her, a school friend's dad was arrested and jailed for sex offences against a minor (not my school friend) when we were about 10ish. She never told boyfriends or even friends, just said her dad hadn't been good dad and she was no longer in contact.
When he DH propsed before she answered she sat him down and told him and let him decide how he felt. He's never told his family, his decision.
it's hard because he dad was a good dad to her, they were completely blindsided by it, she has seen his in passing but she's never spoken to him since he was arrested.
It's not exactly easy to say "oh by the way my stepdad is on the sex offended register" Yes he should have told her when they started talking about moving in together but i think it's such a horrible converstation to try and have, you keep telling yourself I'll tell her tomorrow.

I would not automatically condemn your DP. He may have been a victim of this bastard. Or he may never have been told the full details. Or he may have been conditioned and brainwashed from childhood. Or he may have been deliberately deceiving you...but you cannot know which without talking to him.

There are many child sexual abusers out there that we don't know about. We cannot protect kids against everything. But it would, in my opinion, be fucking insanity to give a known CSA offender an opportunity to traumatise another child. Zero contact of any sort.

Let's start with a pre-kids scenario, shall we? You decide to get married. DP wants to invite his DM. She wants her DP to attend. Do you ban him? Do you ban all kids from the wedding? Do you tell everyone that a CSA offender is attending? Would you care to imagine that conversation? Or would you just leave all those innocent kids at risk? Because at that point you would be guilty, too.

I honestly don't see how you can have children with your DP unless either his DM dumps this criminal, or your DP goes n/c with the pair of them.

The offence was against children not against a child

Good catch, and reveals a little why he is clearly a high risk offender.

If you work in a school do you have to tell them he’s a convicted paedophile due to your links with him?

I would end the relationship. He lied to you for 4 years.

I think you have to reveal if you live with a sex offender. That could change in future though to ask if you are associated with one.

mickeysminnie Sun 22-Oct-17 15:52:06

Have just seen from a previous thread you were on that you work in a school??

OP, if this is correct, then I think your relationship is doomed. You could now be risking your job if it comes out about your association with this paedophile. At the very least, your judgement will be questioned.

Have just seen from a previous thread you were on that you work in a school?? - if this is true, you will need to disclose that you are in contact with an offender (ex or not) IF you work with kids under 5. You may lose your job over it (The 'disclosure' is liable to be rescinded fairly soon tho )

OP - it's all very well MIL2B stating that she would kick the fucker out, but would she? She has shown that she has little regard for the safety of her own child - she wouldn't be above seeming to do the 'right thing', all the while he lays low, she gets the child overnight, or takes him/her out for a walk.... meets up with fucker, unknown to you.

I am also uneasy about the 'don't have a child with this man' statements. It's not his fault his mother brought a sex offender into the house. It's how he views it, and deals with it, that is key. Does he brush it off as insignificant? Or has he buried it to deal with SF by ignoring? How close is he with his mother and sf? And how would he feel about cutting his sf out of his 'family'?

Personally, if I wanted a child with dp, I'd move far far away, so far that she and only she could come to visit. She would still not be allowed unsupervised access, in any way. She would be watched like a hawk. After all , she is a sexual-deviant sympathiser!

I think you were really put on the spot by your partners Mum. If I were you I would speak again to your partner and his Mum. Say you appreciate them opening up to you and sharing the information and that although you initially responded in a certain way you need time to process it and you can’t guarantee how you will feel in the future when you potentially have children. It is unfair of them to ask that of you. They have to understand that this is a major issue and the gravity of which you need to let sink it. You may also need to speak to your own parents etc to help you process this further down the line should you start thinking about having kids. Really sorry you were told in this way as it does feel like you’ve tried to be a nice person and not rock the boat but this is serious and not the sort of thing you can take lightly or just go with the flow to please others.

OP, you need to think very carefully about your future with this man. This could affect the rest of your life. This will put you in an impossible situation once you have children. It would be far easier to walk away and find someone new, no matter how painful.

Far easier said, than done, I know.

Wow.

So much sound advice on this thread OP, I hope you're ok after such a bombshell but you're kidding yourself if you think she'll have a good grandmother based on her actions and attitude.

In your shoes at the very least I would be having a serious discussion with my partner (how could he not tell you, how could he expect you to want to introduce children into a family that is minimising CSO...?). and in all honesty I'd be walking away from the whole thing. And fast.