To not know how to feel about this revelation?

[Laurat859]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years. I moved in with him a few months ago, and with this came some shocking news from his Mum.
She came round and sat me down to tell me that her husband (my boyfriend's step-dad) is on the sex offenders register. The offence was against children, it was about 20 years ago (before she met him) and he has done time in prison for it. That is all I know about what he did.
She said that the reason she was telling me now was that obviously things have become more serious between myself and her son, and if we are planning on children in the future then I need to know. She said she needed to know my feelings because when she has grandchildren she wants to see lots of them and be able to have them stay over at their house etc etc. If knowing about her husband's past meant that I wouldn't let that happen then she said she would prepare to leave him.
She told me that he suffers with bipolar and when the offence(s) was committed he was in a really bad place and it wasn't under control with medication. Not that that was any excuse, but now his mental health issues are being treated well. Apparently as part of being on the register, he has yearly visits and he is deemed very low risk. She trusts him completely that nothing will happen again.
I was completely shocked. I have always got on well with him and he has done so much to help myself and my boyfriend. They have welcomed me into their family.
There is no way that I would stop my boyfriend's Mum from seeing our children when we have them. She will be a fantastic grandmother one day. But there was also no way that I could put her in the position that she is willing to leave her husband. They are a very close couple and I know that she would be devastated to be brought to do that. Myself and my boyfriend agreed that, should we have children, then as long as his step-dad is never alone with them, then of course they will see them.
Does this sound reasonable? Or am I being a bad mother before I am even a mother? It is playing on my mind that I have agreed to this, but what if I feel differently once said children arrive? What if, god forbid, something were to happen to them? It would be my fault for risking the situation.
I just don't know how to feel

run OP run

Poor OP - and poor boyfriend also. His life has been tainted by what his stepfather did and his mother excused. His only way to keep the relationship (possibly) is to go NC. I do feel a lot of pity for him.

BUT, there has been some fantastic, horrifying and very chilling advice on this thread OP and it's all true. I have a strong feeling that I was abused by my dad at a young age and it's a taint that just doesn't leave you.

You're in the position now of being able to dictate the future security of your children because you don't have them yet. I too would be making plans to leave and would not allow myself to become pregnant, not into this family because it's dysfunctional on a grand and terrifying scale. You don't want that for your children when you have them. Get out now whilst you can do so quickly and easily.

So she’s going to stay awake all night in the child’s room? Either not go toilet or take child with her? Take child into the bathroom when she washes, brushes her teeth etc? Every time she nips into a different room take the child?

Bollocks she is. Like fuck would my child be staying in that house.
It hurts her feelings? And she made her decision years ago to marry him and now has to live with this. If she breaks up with him that’s her decision. But even then it would be a no.

Your bf should know the truth about fil's conviction. He needs to tell you the full story now or I would never be able to trust him again. He needs to prove where his loyalty lies.
You have to trust him to never leave your future children alone with fil.

Personally I would never let fil into the same room as my children. I wouldn't even want him to see a photo. He is not a blood relative. He's a pervert. You owe him nothing. He will be dangerous until the day he dies.

You know what, the more i think the more it seems to me that you, OP have been groomed by them into this.
Keeping this secret for 4 years, just how and why your partner never mentioned it before? They have brought a paedo into your life, normalised your interactions with him. And thats without an objection from your supposed ‘D’P. Now MIL sits you down and reveals the ‘truth’- where is your partner in all of this, where is his voice?

Im sorry to say but this whole thing seems well thought out and calculated. Who is a ring leader here, step dad? Mil?

It’s grim, i’d dump this ‘D’P just for keeping such a secret and knowingly introducing a paedo in your life. I could never trust him again.

Id run for the hills

I wouldn't have a problem with your mil seeing the gc in your home. That would be the limit.

Even if the MIL LTB she won't really have left. She will maintain contact with him and God alone knows who will be in her house at night when you think she is alone.

I disagree with completely writing dp off, it depends what he has to say. He may have been told he was not allowed to tell a partner until that relationship was very serious. What age did he find out his sf was a paedophile. The chances are he has only been told what his parents want him to know and if he was never abused by him the repercussions seem less to him. I'd be intrigued if he has ever spoken to anyone professional about this, if he hasn't he should, it may show his relationship with his mum in a different light. I'm surprised he didn't tell you and allowed his mum to.... screams to me that she is controlling of him which is say she is generally given her conversation with you. If when you speak to him he agrees fully that his mum and sf could never have contact with any children I'd visit a solicitor and see what steps you could both put in place to ensure neither would ever be allowed contact... if and only if he agreed to that and to see a professional to discuss what his mum did to him I'd stay with him. His mum has wrecked his life with her decisions, it's only fair he gets to live the test of his life based solely on his.

This won’t be a popular thing to say but if I were you, I’d stay away from the whole family. Life and relationships are hard enough without that level of deceit and danger involved in them too. This doesn’t need to be your problem one day. Also I trust believe you will feel 100% different when you do have kids and want to protect them from even ‘low risk’ situation.

I'd run for the hills.

It goes without saying that I wouldn't leave my child with a convicted sex offender. Nor would I leave my child with a woman who married someone on the sex offenders register while she had a young child herself.

But I wouldn't waste any more of my life with somebody who kept this information from me during a four year relationship.

I know it's daunting to back track now and start again without him. But life is short. Life is precious. You must take control of your future.

To all those wanting to know the crime before making a decision...seriously!!
So he abused a 3 year old...or a 10 year old...or a 15 year old..you honestly think one is more foregivable than the other?? Do me a favour.
Monsters do not have horns, they look like you and me, they go to church and help little old ladies across the road.
Make no mistake the man is dangerous and always will be.
I feel very sorry for the OP however there is only one truly safe decision to make here.

What an awful situation for you to be in OP.
In your situation I would have to either make it clear to me DP that my children would never see stepGP without me there. Or, and most likely, I would probably have to end the relationship completely as I fear that this is the sort of situation which is likely to put a lot of stress into a relationship once there is a child.
How terribly sad for the DP that his life will be tainted by the actions of his stepfather.

Another thing to add: from my experience partners of sex offenders are often in denial about the situation, and the SO can usually manipulate them round to their way of thinking. Even if you trust your future MIL 100% (which I wouldnt on account of her bringing a SO into the home where her children lived) you can't trust that he isn't able to manipulate her to do what he wants.
There was a step dad in my extended family who was a sex offender - not on the list and hadn't been to prison or anything though. Several of his wife's young children went to her and told her he was touching them. This must have taken great courage from them. She chose not to believe them. Several other relatives said they had seen things that worried them - again she didn't believe them. In the end I understand social services stepped in, but this was years after the children themselves had told their mother that the step dad was interfering with them. Years of abuse.
My mum always kept us away from him and I only heard he existed after his death. Really sad. But what I am saying is you can't trust her - she will favour him and if he says he didn't do anything, she will probably believe him. Just like her believing that he is low risk when he quite obviously is not

The more I think about this the more angry I get

I think Approaching has it right. Why wait four years and just after youd moved in? She's sort of groomed you into accepting this. This is normal. He's a nice guy.

If they were so concerned about you this is the sort of thing you'd mention BEFORE a big event like moving in together. But now the deeds done she knows it will be so much harder for you to extricate yourself than if you were in your own place still.

And this I also blame your oh for. He could and should have told you. He should have told you before you met him. now you're doubting things as he seems so nice. So normal. Everyone's telling you he's safe.

It feels so much like a trap. I can't put my finger on why. But it makes me so uneasy.

And yes, as many people have mentioned, the whole, oh I want my grandchildren to come and stay lots, before you're even pregnant. Man that alone would have me running for the hills. That sends you a big sign on her sense of entitlement and control. And. It doesn't sound like your oh would stand up to her. So what she says goes.

I wish you would come back to the thread. I hope we haven't scared you. I am genuinely really worried that we haven't heard back from you.

No, nope, not a fucking chance. He would be getting nowhere near my children, not ever.

I would also be not allowing that woman near them. She has made it clear the ball is in your court, which means she is happy for her grandchildren to be around a known pedophile. Let me repeat that in another way. She has shown she does not feel the need to keep her grandchildren safe from a known and very, very serious risk. That is not someone who is safe to be around children either.

In all fairness, we don't know what he did. It could have been something like having sex in public near a park and children witnessed it. That would have him end up on a register and get him arrested. Doesn't mean he actually harmed a child. He could also have had sex wth a 15 year old who told him she was older and he had very bad judgement and didn't bother to find out if that was true.

I would want to know all the facts before making any decision. If his actions were knowingly abusing a child then there is no way in hell I'd let him near my child. The MiL can make her own decision what that means but I wouldn't ever want my child at their house. What if she went to the loo? The child would be left in his care. You cannot guarantee that they will never be alone together.
Please, please find out what happened

I do not believe that paedophiles are capable of reform. If they have not reoffended then it's only because they have not had the opportunity.

There is so much wrong with this situation and all has been covered in previous posts.

Personally I would not continue in the relationship - I don't say that lightly but this is so serious. You'll be glad in the long run.

It is very, very unlikely that she will actually leave him. My aunt's husband was caught as part of a huge peadophile ring - her daughters had children and when he was released on bail she allowed him back into her house despite knowing what he had done (it was truly awful). Her daughters (my cousins) walked away and have not seen or spoken to her since. My aunt believed he had 'changed and seen the error of his ways' it was and is bullshit - he is an evil man as is your DP's stepfather. My aunt's husband was a charming manipulative man as your Dp's step father quite possibly is.

RUN A FUCKING MILE and then a few miles more. Your DP has continued a relationship with a man who he knows is a registered child sex offender - that in itself is a huge red flag. Anyone with any sense of decency would have nothing to do with him. It does perhaps suggest he has, as suggested by a previous poster, been groomed in some way by his step father and possibly his mother.

You need to know the details, using Sarah's Law.

He may have been so ill with bipolar that he was unable to manage his impulses- but the impulses were there and still are.

Never leave the children with them unattended, and be extremely concerned that your DP has grown up thinking that it is acceptable to have children around 'reformed' paedophiles.

In all fairness, we don't know what he did. It could have been something like having sex in public near a park and children witnessed it

sayyouwill Have you not rtft? He went to prison for a minimum of 30 months and has been on the register for 20 years and has annual checks by probation, so has he fuck had sex in public and kids seen.

He has committed a serious sexual offence on a child. Make no mistake about that!!!!

I'm so sorry OP. You must be reeling. One day you can be a great mum, but not with these people in your life.

OP are you even considering whether you should stay with you oh or not? (Sorry if been asked I’ve only skimmed)

Any future children, friends of yours with children , you know now, are you going to tell your friends so they know when their kid sees their friends grandad in the park etc it’s not safe to go with him?

It’s too much I am so sorry you are in this position, if it was me I would have to leave.

@ILoveMillhousesDad I was trying to offer a different POV but fair point.

After a shock revelation like that I think I'd be ditching my boyfriend and leaving the lot of them. That's lying by omission on a huge scale, he should have told you about his step father. I wouldn't want to be near any of them. It's a shame your dp, he isn't a criminal and he's got all this to deal with but I'd be NC with my mum if she went out with a sex offender.